by Hamel, B. B.
She nods and steps out of the tub. “Why’d he do it?”
“Said his dick didn’t work.” I shrug.
She looks confused. “That’s not true. He was really hard.”
I frown at her. “Really? What set him off, then?”
“I don’t know.” She shakes her head. “We were talking, I had my hand on him, ready to give him a blowjob, you know? And then I asked where he was from, and what his parents were like, and he just sort of… lost it. Scared the hell out of me.”
My frown deepens, but I don’t press her about it. I hustle her out of the room, only to find Grace, Nathan, Chase, and Karl standing in the hallway.
I hand the girl off to Karl and he escorts her down the hall, already offering her concert tickets to not talk to the press about this. I sigh and join the little group.
“What happened?” Nathan asks me.
“He’s calm now. I think he might’ve passed out.”
Nathan nods, but he doesn’t look happy. Grace shoots me an apologetic look.
“You should’ve been here, man.”
I narrow my eyes at Nathan. “Excuse me?”
“You should’ve been here. You know how Landon can get and he only listens to you.”
“Oh, so it’s my fault that our drummer flips the fuck out sometimes?”
“No, it’s your fault you weren’t here.” He crosses his arms, glaring at me.
“That’s fucking bullshit. It’s not my job to babysit him.”
“No, maybe not,” he says, staring at me. “But it’s your job to hold this fucking thing together.”
“What are you talking about?”
He shakes his head. “Typical. You never fucking get it.” Instead of explaining himself, he just walks away.
“Don’t mind him,” Chase says. “He’s always in a shit mood, ever since—”
“He’s always an asshole,” I cut him off. “He’s just being himself.”
Chase shrugs a little, but doesn’t finish his thought.
“Is Landon going to be okay?” Grace asks. “He was really flipping out.”
“He’ll be fine,” I say.
“What set him off this time?” Chase asks.
I hesitate. I hear the girl’s story, drifting through my mind…
“His dick didn’t work.”
Chase’s eyebrows shoot up and Grace stifles a giggle. “Seriously?” he asks.
“That’s what he said. Who knows if it’s true, he’s blitzed to hell.”
“Probably got whisky dick. Happens to the best of us.”
“Not me,” I say, glancing at Grace. “My dick’s always ready to go.”
“Of course it is,” Chase says, rolling his eyes. “You got the best dick in the world.”
“Glad you’re finally admitting it.”
He sighs. “All right, this has been fun, but I have a very attractive young lady waiting patiently back in my hotel room, and I have a feeling my dick isn’t going to give me any trouble.”
“Good luck,” I say to him.
“Night, guys.”
“Night,” Grace says.
He strolls off as I turn to Grace. “Sorry about that,” I say to her.
“It’s okay,” she says. “Not your fault.”
“I don’t know why Nathan was so pissed. I’m not the band’s babysitter, despite what he says.”
She shrugs a little, head cocked. “Guess not.”
“Yeah.” I want to take her, pull her against me. I want that moment back at the park to continue.
“Anyway, I’m heading to bed.”
“Right.”
“Night, Joss. Get some sleep.”
“I’ll see what I can do.”
She hesitates, like she’s waiting for something, but walks off after not getting it. I watch her disappear into her room, and I’m left alone in the hall.
“Fucking hell,” I mutter to myself. “This tour is already fucked to all hell.”
I wander away, trying to figure out how to keep all this from unraveling around me.
11
Grace
After the Philly shows, it’s on to a tour bus and the travel starts in earnest.
“This is how we normally travel,” Joss says as we load everything up. “Not as nice as flying private jets.”
He grins at me, almost apologetically, but I’m too busy staring at the bus.
In the rock world, tour buses have an almost legendary cult status. They’re exactly what they sound like, giant buses that the band rides around in from show to show, but they’re elevated to something else, something more.
The bus is where the guys live, eat, sleep, breathe while playing every show. It’s every single fan’s dream to end up on a tour bus with their favorite band.
And now… that’s happening to me. Granted, I’m married to the lead singer, so that sort of puts a damper on things. Although that kiss keeps playing in my mind, I know I have to try and keep focused. I have a job to do, and that’s to keep them on schedule and happy until I can get my divorce from Joss.
I forget all about that stuff, at least for a second, when I step on the bus. It’s almost a magical thing, seeing the inside of this behemoth.
It’s huge. Couches face each other down the center, and up front there’s a little kitchen area. Everything’s clean, leather, and modern looking, with a surprising amount of space. I run my fingers along the furniture as I head toward the back.
And Landon pushes past me. “Bottom bunk!” he yells out. He pushes past a red curtain and disappears.
I follow him past the curtain. There are bunks along the walls, stretching toward the back, where I assume the bathroom is. There are six beds in all, three stacked on top of each other on either side, four for the guys, and I guess one will be for me.
Landon already claims one of the bottom bunks. He grins up at me.
“Welcome to tour,” he says.
“Oh, shit, you dick,” Chase says, coming up behind me. “Excuse me,” he mutters as he slips past and jumps on one of the bottom bunks.
I slip past just as Nathan comes in. He throws his bag on a middle bunk, the one above Chase. He doesn’t bother looking at me as he slips back out again.
“He’s cranky,” Chase says, poking his head out. “He hates the bus.”
“Really?” I ask. “It’s pretty amazing. Bigger than I thought.”
“Seems big at first, but it’ll get small,” Landon says, his head poking out now. The two guys grin up at me.
“I guess I should take one.”
“Probably a good idea.”
Joss appears near the curtain. “Take the bed above Landon,” he says. “I’ll take top.”
“No, that’s okay. I can take the top.”
He shakes his head. “It’s a bitch to get in and out of, trust me. Take the middle.”
I hesitate before putting my bag on the bed. He throws his up top.
“Thanks,” I say.
“Don’t sweat it. Just remember, you’ll be underneath me the whole time.” He winks.
“Oh, gross,” Chase says. “Is that the line you used to convince her to marry you?”
“Seriously, man, that was bad,” Landon adds.
I grin at the guys and Joss is laughing He kicks at Chase but the bassist pulls back into his bunk.
“Bathroom’s in the back,” Joss says to me. “We all share it so there are some pretty strict bathroom rules. The number one rule is basically, clean up after yourself. If you leave a mess, there will from issues.”
“From Daddy Joss himself,” Landon says.
“They think I’m a neat freak because I like to have a clean bathroom.” He shrugs a little. “Call me crazy, I guess.”
“That’s okay. I’m pretty neat, too.”
“Easy to say now,” Chase says from his bunk. “But after weeks on the road you’re going to stop caring what you leave lying around.”
Joss glares at him. “Don’t start already.”
&nb
sp; “Just saying.”
“Well, don’t.” Joss sighs. “Come on, Grace.” He takes my hand absently and leads me back into the front of the bus.
The main space is dedicated to the living area. There’s a TV, single seats, and two long couches. Joss walks me through everything, shows me how to use it, before plopping down on a couch. “Welcome to tour,” he says.
I sit next to him. “Glamorous,” I say.
“You’ll get used to it.”
Nathan comes up onto the bus and sits in one of the solo seats. Not long after, their manager comes up the steps and looks around, followed by a thin man with smiling blue eyes.
“Okay, folks,” Karl says. “Listen up.”
Landon and Chase drift in from the back and take their seats.
“Your driver’s name is Alan. If you’re nice, he’ll be good to you guys. Don’t give him shit, okay?”
“Okay,” Joss says.
Karl glares at Landon. “I’m looking at you, kid.”
Landon rolls his eyes. “One time. I fucking shoot a spitball at the driver one time.”
“And he nearly swerves into an oncoming car.”
Landon grins and shrugs.
“Look, just behave, okay?” Karl says. “We need you guys to get through this tour and make a ton of fucking money.”
Karl rolls his eyes at the lackluster response and Joss grins at me.
“That’s his big speech,” he whispers. “Really pumps the troops up.”
“I heard that, jackass,” Karl calls out.
After that, Karl leaves and we hit the road. Alan’s quiet, keeps to himself, and soon I find myself falling into the monotony of travel.
I expect it to be uncomfortable. There’s always a little tension between the guys, especially between Nathan and Joss. I still don’t understand it, but clearly something happened.
But for some reason, that all melts away. It’s like they forget about their differences as soon as the bus starts moving and Nathan takes out his acoustic guitar.
“Pretend like you can’t hear what I’m about to play,” he says to me.
I stare at the guys as they start the opening song. I don’t recognize the chords or the musical progression as Landon starts to drum with his hands on the back of a seat. Joss smirks and starts singing.
I’ve never heard this before. I don’t think anyone has.
They play it for maybe a minute or two before Nathan falters and stops. “Fuck, I’m still not happy with that bridge,” he says.
“Missing something,” Joss agrees.
“Hold on, wait a second. Is this new music?” I stare at them, wide-eyed.
Chase laughs. “When do you think we write most of this stuff?”
“I don’t… I have no clue.”
Joss nudges me. “Yeah, it’s new.”
“But it’s not finished, and it might never make it on an album,” Nathan cuts in. He arches an eyebrow at me. “You’d be surprised at how much crap we write that never goes public.”
I’m having a full-on fangirl geek moment. It’s not every day you get to hear one of your favorite bands workshopping new music. I mean, this could be their next hit, the song that takes them to that next level. This could be the song people are humming fifty or sixty years from now.
Holy crap.
Joss nudges me again. “Hey, get it together. Do I have to throw you out of here?”
“No, no, that’s okay. Please, keep going.” I feel like I’m hyperventilating.
“Jeez, I knew she was a fan, but look at her. She’s shitting herself,” Landon calls out.
I blush big time. “I am not.”
“You totally are,” Chase says.
“Am not.”
“You are.” Joss’s voice is close to my ear. “Bring it down a notch, would you?”
I nod vigorously. “Just pretend like I’m not here.”
Nathan sighs. “Guys, please. Can we keep going?”
I sit back and try to melt into the leather sofa as they get back to work. Joss fishes a piece of paper from his bag with lyrics written on it, and he goes over them with Chase while Landon and Nathan talk about the rhythm section. I sit there and watch as time slowly ticks past and they get to work.
It’s impressive. So far, this group of guys has barely been a band. They’ve fought, complained, wrecked at least one hotel room, and the only time they looked cohesive at all was up on stage. I’ve honestly been questioning whether or not they’ll survive this.
Watching them work now though… I can see it. I can see the truth.
They love music. Every one of them loves music, and they love the music they’re making. Maybe they don’t love each other, but they’re not here for each other.
They’re here for this. For the music.
Even Nathan and Joss seem to forget that they hate each other and don’t bicker. They play through the song a few more times, making tweaks to each part. By the time Joss rejoins me on the couch, I think they have a hit on their hands.
“Well?” he asks me.
I shrug a little. “It’s okay.”
He grins. “Liar. You think we can’t see you staring?”
“I haven’t been staring.”
“Yes, you have. I get it, your husband is attractive, but try and keep it together, okay?”
I roll my eyes, but I’m smiling. “It’s good, okay? It’s a good song.”
“I’m glad you like it. I’m thinking about dedicating it to you.” He smirks, leaning closer to me.
“Oh, yeah? I bet that’s what you tell every girl. Does it work?”
“Sometimes,” he admits.
“God, you’re such a jerk.”
“I mean it this time, though. You’re the first girl I married.”
“A mistake. In Vegas.”
“Still counts.” He arches an eyebrow. He’s so handsome, so close…
“Hey, asshole.” Nathan’s voice cuts through the moment. “What are you doing?”
Joss looks over at him. “I’m talking to Grace. Got a problem?”
“Yeah, we’re not done. I need you to go over the second verse with me again right now.”
I can see Joss’s jaw flex. Chase sighs and leans away from the pair as Joss turns slightly toward Nathan.
“How about you fuck off?” Joss says softly.
There it is. That’s the dynamic I’ve been expecting.
Nathan just sighs. “Typical. You can never finish anything.”
“We’ve been working for a couple hours.”
“Guys,” Chase says.
“Doesn’t matter. We aren’t done, so we keep going.” Nathan glares at Joss.
“Oh, right, sorry. I forgot you were the perfectionist musician among us.”
“I’m the only real musician among us,” Nathan snaps back.
“Hey,” Landon says, looking hurt.
“Don’t be such a cocksucker,” Joss says. “Seriously Nathan. Ever since Mary, you’ve been such a fucking cunt.”
The whole bus goes silent. I look around, and everyone looks shocked, including Joss. I don’t really get it, but slowly Nathan stands up.
“Fuck you, man. Fuck you.”
He turns and leaves, heading back toward the bunks. Chase groans.
“What the fuck, Joss?”
Joss sighs and leans back in his seat. “Shit. I don’t know.”
“Why’d you bring her up?”
“I don’t know, okay? I was pissed.”
“Jesus.” Chase shakes his head. “You really are an asshole sometimes.”
Joss glares at him. “Fuck you too then, Chase.”
Chase shakes his head, stands, and follows Nathan into the back.
There’s a short, tense silence. I sit there, not knowing what just happened. Landon catches my eye and grins.
“That, my darling, is pretty much how these little jam sessions typically end. You’ll get used to it.”
He winks at me and kicks his feet up, burying his nose i
n his phone.
I sit there and watch Joss for a minute. He looks miserable, although I can’t tell why exactly. He’s staring out across the bus, eyes unfocused, seeing something completely different.
“What just happened?” I ask him softly.
He looks at me. He looks like he wants to say something, but he thinks better of it and just shakes his head.
“Nothing,” he says. “Just being a dick again.”
He stands up and goes to the front of the bus. He plops down in the seat next to Alan and kicks his feet up on the dash, not saying anything.
I sit there, staring around me. Two minutes ago, the guys were writing a beautiful song together, and everyone was getting along.
And then Joss mentioned that girl, and it all went to shit.
What the hell happened, and who is Mary?
I shake my head and lean back in my chair. I pull out my phone, and I start to Google.
12
Joss
We reach New York about forty minutes after the fight, and I still feel like an asshole.
No, I don’t feel like one, I fucking am one. To bring up Mary like that was a low blow, and I think I did it just to impress Grace. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking, but that was the absolute worst thing I could’ve said to Nathan in that moment.
And Grace doesn’t even know who Mary is, so it’s not like she even understands what just happened.
I’m such a dick. It just slipped out, no thought behind anything at all.
That’s my fucking problem. Not thinking.
The bus pulls up outside the venue and parks out back. We’re playing the Beacon Theater tonight, this old vaudeville place with outlandish, nearly gaudy decorating. It’s Art Deco to the max, and I absolutely love it.
We file off, not talking to each other. Karl’s there, having opted to drive himself the relatively short distance from Philly to NYC. Nathan says something to him as we walk past, and I can feel Karl’s eyes snap to me as I follow the other guys inside.
Grace catches up to me as we head into the green room. “Are you okay?” she asks.
I nod. “I’m fine. We’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”
She frowns a little. “I just don’t want the show to get all messed up, you know?”
