by Hamel, B. B.
She’s still here, and she still wants to be around me. That has to say more than I realized.
I flag a cab outside, the sound of Nathan’s guitar ringing in my ears.
25
Grace
Dennis isn’t bad. I watch him warm up during soundcheck with the other guys, his drums pounding as he keeps the beat. Nathan keeps giving Joss a look and Joss keeps rolling his eyes, and although I can’t hear what they’re hearing, clearly Dennis isn’t perfect.
He’s definitely no Landon.
After the last Chicago show, Landon packed up his stuff and left. There was no fanfare, no crying, nothing. He just hugged Chase and left without a word.
He looked happy. As he was walking away, I swear he straightened up a little bit, his spine lengthening like some burden was lifted from his shoulders. He walked with a little prancing in his step and he was smiling, just a little bit.
He looked free, the total opposite of the guy drinking vodka early in the morning, wasted away and barely alive.
Things went somewhat back to normal after that. We rode the bus north and west, ending up at Madison, Wisconsin. I’ve never been to Madison before, but it’s a cute town. We find parking near the venue, a place called the Orpheum Theater.
I watch Joss go through soundcheck with the guys. During the other soundchecks I’ve been to, Joss has been distant, uninterested, almost bored. But here, he’s suddenly engaged. He’s joking with Chase and even Nathan’s getting involved.
There was a subtle difference on the bus, too. It wasn’t night and day, but I could tell that Nathan wasn’t avoiding Joss as much as he used to, and the guys were all nicer to each other. Closer, even.
Like losing one of their own brought them all together.
It’s not that unusual, really. Something bad happens to the group and they come together in adversity. I’m actually really happy to see it, since I thought my favorite band was about to be disbanded for a second there.
The fight between Nathan and Joss was dropped entirely and nobody mentioned it again. Nathan even says hello to me now and acknowledges my existence.
Something changed, something important. When Joss went after Nathan, he fixed things. I don’t know how or what he said, and he wouldn’t tell me when I asked. All I know is, things are better. Things are almost normal.
Which in itself is strange. None of this should be normal for me. I should be freaking out, still angry, still trying to get away… but I’m not.
I’ve gone through the fire already. I watch Joss sing into his microphone before cracking a joke with Chase, both of the guys laughing, and I feel like I’m almost a part of that joke. I feel like I belong.
I’ve been dragged through the mud and back. I’ve been given more and destroyed more here than I ever have anywhere else in my life. And yet watching Joss sing up on that stage and feeling his hands on my skin makes it all seem okay.
And it’s the intimacy, the simple kisses, the way he looks at me, the way he touches me that makes it feel like it might just last.
They finish soundcheck early and Nathan stays behind to work with Dennis some more. Joss comes walking over, a big smirk on his face. “What’d you think?” he asks.
“He’s good,” I say. “I liked it.”
“Yeah, but he’s not as good as Landon. Keeps missing stuff, little cues we’re all used to.”
“He’ll get there.”
“He will, but I wish he didn’t have to.”
We lapse into silence for a second and I can see the sadness naked in his eyes.
“Come on,” I say. “Let’s get out of here. There’s still some light and we have time before the show.”
He nods. “Lead the way, little wife.”
Instead of getting annoyed, I just smile at him and grab his hand, tugging him along behind me.
We walk down the tree-lined streets of Madison. Little ships line either side of State Street, bars and restaurants and a poster shop and a smoke shop, all the stuff you’d expect to see in a thriving little college town. People are out and about, and Joss pulls the hood of his open black zip-up sweatshirt over his head.
“Gotta keep a low profile,” he says. “Don’t wanna get swarmed.”
“You look like a drug dealer,” I say.
“That makes you my accomplice.”
“Please. People are going to think you kidnapped me.”
“Kidnapped you? Clearly you’re a good girl gone bad.”
“You wish.”
“It’s not far from the truth.” He grins and squeezes my hand. “You were good before we met.”
“You wish.” I wink and he laughs as we continue walking in the fresh air.
It feels good to be away from all that madness with him. For a few minutes, we can pretend like we’re normal people. He’s not a rock star and I’m not the rocker’s wife. We’re just regular people, out for a stroll.
I breathe deep and hold his hand. He smiles at me and pulls back his hood.
“What happened to a low profile?” I ask.
He shrugs. “Feels better without it. Plus, I’m not that famous.”
“True. Nobody’s even paying any attention.”
“You’re right. I’m almost disappointed. Maybe I should start causing a scene.”
“You always do need to be the center of attention.”
He laughs at that and nudges me with his hip. I grin and lean into him, looking up at his beautiful eyes.
“I’m happy you stayed,” he says.
“Me too,” I admit. “I really thought I was going to leave, though.”
“I wouldn’t have blamed you. I mean, after all that shit…” He trails off, shaking his head. “Fanny got fired, by the way.”
“Really?” I frown a little. “Did you ever find out why she did it?”
“Actually, yeah.” He pulls out his phone and waggles it at me. “She left a voicemail.”
“Really? Can I hear it?”
He nods and taps on the screen. We sit on a bench as he plays it on speaker for me.
“Joss, it’s Fanny. Look, I’m sorry about that interview. It was unprofessional, but Joss, the way I feel is unprofessional. I love you, I think you know that. I always have. I think you share my feelings. I just wanted to scare Grace away so that we could finally act on this… oh shit, here I go again. Anyway, call me, Jossy.”
I stare at the phone for a second, shocked. “Jossy?”
He grins. “Never heard that before.”
“I like it.”
“Stop. Isn’t she nuts?”
“She’s nuts,” I confirm. “Jossy.”
He sighs, slipping his phone away. “That’s why she did it. Apparently, she’s a nut.”
“Did you have any clue?”
“None. She’s been nothing but kind to me. I kinda of worry about her now, honestly.”
“Why?”
“I mean, what if she has some real undiagnosed issue?” He shrugs a little. “I’d feel responsible.”
“You’re not. I’m sure she’ll get the help she needs, if she needs any. I mean, some people are just total weirdos at the end of the day, mental disorder or not.”
“Fair point.” He stands up and stretches. “Come on. Let’s keep going.”
I follow him along the streets again. I slip my hand into his and he takes my fingers, his big palm swallowing my own. He doesn’t flinch or look down at me, and I guess holding hands while walking together is a normal thing now.
It’s amazing, what can become normal. This man, for instance. Juts being around him used to be insane.
Now, I do more with him than I ever could have guessed.
Up ahead, the shops drop away on the right and there’s a little park set back in an empty space. We walk into it, between some buildings, and toward some grassy strips. Joss steers us right toward them and sits down with his legs sprawled out.
I sit next to him. “Did you know this was here?” I ask him
“Nope. Be
lieve it or not, I don’t normally explore the cities we go to.”
“Really?”
“Really. Mostly I partied and hung out in the green rooms or on the bus or in the hotels or wherever. Sometimes we went to bars or clubs, but we never just walked around like this.”
“It’s nice, right?”
“It is.” He goes quiet for a second. “You know, Nathan said something to me.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Something mean, I assume?”
He snorts. “Nah, for once. It was about you, actually.”
“What did he say?”
“Basically… basically we went through something a long time ago, with an ex-girlfriend of his. I did something stupid, slept with her to prove that she was cheating on him when all else failed. It ruined our relationship… but he said he was happy I did it now, or at least he could see why I’d do it.”
I chew my lip. I know the story already, since Chase told me, but I like that he’s opening up to me about it finally.
“We never talked about it, not since we had a huge fight back in the day. Ever since then it’s all been tension and weirdness between us… at least until recently. We’re finally starting to get past it, and I think I have you to thank.”
“Really? I didn’t do anything.”
“No, but I think he sees how we are together, and I think he gets it.”
“Gets what?”
“That he and Mary weren’t in love.”
I stare at Joss’s face as he slowly looks back at me. I feel my whole body starting to vibrate, edging closer to him, the words ringing in my ears.
“But we…?” I trail off.
He tips my chin up toward his lips. “But I know I’m in love with you.”
I take a sharp breath. Hearing those words empties me, tears through me like a hurricane. I’ve been thinking it, love, the idea on the tip of my tongue for a while now. I don’t know why else I’d go through all this, if not because I’m falling for this asshole rock star.
I don’t know what that means for me, but here it is. I don’t know what my life can be like, following this man around on tour, but I don’t think I care.
“I’m in love with you, too,” I whisper.
He kisses me and that’s my answer.
That’s the answer to all my questions.
That’s the reason I’m here, the reason I can’t run, the reason I’m not angry. Everything that happened was for a reason.
This is the answer. His kiss, his hunger. The love that’s raging out of control between us.
I want to throw myself at him. Flatten myself against him, kiss him hard, scream it out. I want to make a scene, but I know I can’t.
I’m the rock star’s wife, and I have to start acting like it.
We slowly break the kiss off.
“That felt good to finally say,” he whispers. “I’ve been thinking it for a while… but now it’s real.”
“I think it always was real.”
“Since the first time I saw you. The first time we kissed.”
“At our wedding.”
He smiles at me. “Yeah, about that.” He reaches into his pocket and takes something out. “Since I didn’t have one before.”
He opens his hand. It’s a white gold band with two teardrop-shaped diamonds flanking another diamond. It’s the most beautiful ring I’ve ever seen, and he takes my hand to slip it on.
“Where did you get it?” I ask.
“Vintage,” he says. “From a girl I know. Do you like it?”
“I love it.” I can barely breathe as it slips on, a perfect fit.
“There we go.” His smile is pure delight. “I can’t believe it fits.”
“Of course it does.” I pull his face to him and kiss him, feeling silly when I realize tears are streaming down my cheeks.
He wipes them away when we break off the kiss. “Come on,” he says softly. “This is real now. Okay?”
“Okay. It’s real.”
He stands and helps me up. We walk back to the venue, hand in hand, a new ring on my finger.
I’m the rock star’s wife.
For real this time.
26
Grace
One Year Later
“Holy shit,” Chase says, shaking his head, “did you read the review in Pitchfork?”
Nathan clambers over to him. “Lemme see.”
Chase hands him the phone. Nathan skims the article, clears his throat, and reads.
“The third album from Slide, Love is Real, comes as a surprise to everyone. Not because it features songs written by their singer and front man, Joss Myers, but because it’s possibly their best record to date. I don’t know how these guys keep getting better, but they do. Even without their original drummer, Slide brings the heat, the groove, the passion, and the fun. Slide kills it.”
I can’t help but laugh. Hearing that review makes relief flood through my body. “That’s amazing,” I say. “Holy crap. Wow.”
Joss grins at me, kisses me, and hops to his feet. “We gotta celebrate.”
Chase snatches his phone back from Nathan while Joss grabs some champagne from the refrigerator. We’re on the tour bus, tearing down the highway, heading toward the second stop on Slide’s third tour.
“I knew it was good,” Nathan says. “But I didn’t expect Pitchfork to give us such a good review. An eight point eight and best new music… unreal.”
“The other reviews are good, too,” Chase says, scrolling again. “Paste loved it, NPR loved it, even Consequence of Sound picked it up and loved it.”
Joss pops the cork of the bottle and pours some glasses. He hands them out, except for me. He winks and takes a swig from the bottle as Nathan raises his glass.
“To Joss, for bringing the fresh sound to our band,” he says.
“To Slide,” Joss adds.
“Cheers!” Chase calls out. They all clink glasses and throw them back, laughing as Joss refills them up.
I watch with a hand on my belly. I wish I could partake, but unfortunately, this tour is going to be a sober one for me considering I’m two months pregnant.
After the last tour, Joss and I got away for a while. Joss spent time writing songs and I spent time on the beach, and in between we spent time with each other. I was afraid we’d fall out of love without the stress and pressure of tour, but those amazing, relaxing weeks were some of the best of my life. When we finished, we came back home, ready and excited.
The boys got to work, and I supported them however I could.
The baby was planned. After this tour, we’re going to take at least a year or two off to raise the baby, maybe have a second one. We don’t need money, at least not tour money, and the other guys are all burnt out from three tours in three years. After this, it’s hiatus time.
And it’s time to have a family.
But we’re not there quite yet. I have this tour to live it up with Joss, even though I can’t do too much living. I’m strangely excited and optimistic, even though it’s going to be three months of hard work, hard living, and lots of boring time in a van.
“What’s all this celebrating I hear?”
Joss looks over as Landon comes out from the back of the bus. He grins and offers the drummer a glass, which he politely declines.
“Sober now, my man,” he says. “What’s the occasion?”
“Good reviews,” Chase says. “And we got our drummer back.”
Landon nods sagely. “A perfect storm of joy.”
Landon was a last-minute addition to this tour. Dennis played on the third album, but he just wasn’t cutting it. Nathan was the one to track down Landon and to beg him to come back. Landon was living in Australia, keeping away from the spotlight and music. He got sober, but he never gave up drumming.
Now he’s back. He has to learn all the drum parts, but he says that won’t be a problem. After all, Dennis is a shit drummer compared to him.
I look at my boys, all finally together. Joss grins at Nathan and t
hey hug quickly. The idea of them hugging, even a year ago, would sound insane. But things changed while they were writing and recording this record. They healed their wounds and clearly rekindled their friendship.
They drink more champagne and talk about the tour. I sit back and relax, listening to their chatter, excited and nervous all at once. Joss hasn’t been on stage in a while, none of them have, and I can tell they’re ready for it.
“Come here, you,” Joss says, sitting next to me. He hugs me tight and kisses me. “How do you feel?”
“Good,” I say. “Really good.”
“I’m glad.”
“Are you nervous?”
“A little. Mostly excited to get back out there.”
“Good.” I kiss him once on the lips.
“And I’m even more excited for what comes next.” He puts his hand on my stomach.
I laugh and pull him tighter. Chase throws a pillow at us, but I kiss my husband nice and deep anyway.
I couldn’t have guessed this is where we’d end up. Still married, a baby on the way, and on tour for a third amazing album. I can’t believe I was there for its beginnings and all the recording. I even have some handclaps on one of the tracks. I’m a part of this family now, and they’re a part of me.
Mostly though, Joss is mine and I’m all his. He’s become my world. Even though things started rocky, it’s gotten better. He met my parents, some of my friends. He’s a part of my world now, and all that crap from before doesn’t matter.
Because here I am, finally home.
I kiss my man again as the other boys laugh together. With Landon on the bus, things feel so much lighter, so much freer. We really missed him on the latter half of the last tour and it’s amazing that he’s back.
Still though, all I can think about is Joss, and how we got here. I savor every second with him, every time he touches my body, every time he punishes me. He knows what I need before I have to say it, and he gives me anything I want.
Joss is freedom, my husband, my world. He makes everything bigger, greater, more exciting. I couldn’t give any of this up, and never would, not for anything else in the world.
