6. Next, I shall set forth the advantages and utility resulting from a strict observance of the precept contained in my text;
7. And conclude with an application of the whole. The ‘gentleness of manner’ alone would degenerate into a mean, timid complaisance and passivity,
8. If not supported and dignified by the ‘firmness of mind’, which in its turn would run into impetuosity and brutality, if not tempered and softened by the ‘gentleness of manner’:
9. Yet in the world these two qualities are seldom united.
10. The warm, choleric man, with strong animal appetites, despises the ‘gentleness of manner’,
11. And thinks to carry all before him by the ‘firmness of mind’. He may, possibly, now and then succeed, when he has only weak and timid people to deal with;
12. But his general fate will be to shock, offend, be disliked and fail.
13. On the other hand, the cunning, crafty man thinks to gain all his ends by the ‘gentleness of manner’ only;
14. He becomes all things to all men; he seems to have no opinion of his own, and servilely adopts the present opinion of the present person;
15. He insinuates himself only into the esteem of fools, but is soon detected, and surely despised by everybody else.
16. The wise man, who differs as much from the cunning as from the choleric man, alone joins the ‘gentleness of manner’ to the ‘firmness of mind’.
17. Now to the advantages arising from the strict observance of this precept.
18. If you are in authority, and have a right to command, your commands delivered in a gentle manner will be willingly, cheerfully, and therefore well obeyed;
19. Whereas, if given only with firmness, they will rather be interrupted than executed.
20. For my own part, if I bid the waiter bring me a glass of wine in a rough insulting manner, I should expect that, in obeying me, he would contrive to spill some of it upon me:
21. And I am sure I should deserve it. A cool, steady resolution should show that where you have a right to command you will be obeyed.
22. But at the same time, a gentleness in the manner of enforcing obedience should make that obedience a cheerful one, and soften as much as possible the mortifying consciousness of inferiority.
23. If you are to ask a favour, or even to solicit your due, you must do it with gentleness,
24. Or you will give those who have a mind to refuse you a pretence to do it by resenting the manner.
25. But, on the other hand, you must, by a steady perseverance and decent tenaciousness, show firmness of mind too.
26. The right motives are seldom the true ones of men’s actions, especially of people in positions of authority,
27. Who often give to importunity and fear what they would refuse to justice or to merit. By the gentle manner engage people’s hearts, if you can;
28. At least prevent the pretence of offence; but take care to show enough of the firmness of mind to extort from their love of ease, or their fear, what you might in vain hope from their justice or good nature.
29. People in high life are hardened to the wants and distresses of mankind, as surgeons are to their bodily pains;
30. They see and hear of them all day long, and even of so many simulated ones, that they do not know which are real, and which not.
31. Other sentiments are therefore to be applied to than those of mere justice and humanity; their favour must be captivated by the gentle manner;
32. Their love of ease disturbed by unwearied importunity, or their fears wrought upon by a decent intimation of implacable, cool resentment: this is the true firmness of mind.
33. This precept is the only way I know in the world of being loved without being despised, and feared without being hated.
34. It constitutes the dignity of character which every wise man must endeavour to establish.
Epistle 20
1. My son, if you find that you have a hastiness in your temper, which unguardedly breaks out into indiscreet sallies or rough expressions,
2. To either your superiors, your equals or your inferiors,
3. Watch it narrowly, check it carefully, and call the gentleness of manner to your assistance:
4. At the first impulse of passion, be silent till you can be soft.
5. Labour even to get the command of your countenance so well, that those emotions may not be read in it; this is a most unspeakable advantage in business!
6. On the other hand, let no complaisance, no gentleness of temper, no weak desire of pleasing on your part,
7. And no wheedling, coaxing, nor flattery, on other people’s part,
8. Make you recede one jot from any point that reason and prudence have bid you pursue;
9. But return to the charge, persist, persevere, and you will find most things attainable that are possible.
10. A yielding, timid meekness is always abused and insulted by the unjust and the unfeeling;
11. But when sustained by firmness of mind, is always respected, and commonly successful.
12. In your friendships and connections, as well as in your enmities, this rule is particularly useful;
13. Let your firmness and vigour preserve and invite attachments to you;
14. But, at the same time, let your manner hinder the enemies of your friends and dependants from becoming yours;
15. Let your enemies be disarmed by the gentleness of your manner, but let them feel, at the same time, the steadiness of your just resentment;
16. For there is a great difference between bearing malice, which is always ungenerous, and a resolute self-defence, which is always prudent and justifiable.
17. In negotiations remember the ‘firmness of mind’; give up no point, accept of no expedient, till the utmost necessity reduces you to it,
18. And even then, dispute the ground inch by inch; but then, while you are contending with firmness of mind,
19. Remember to gain your opponent by the gentleness of your manner.
20. If you engage his heart, you have a fair chance of gaining his mind.
21. Tell him, in a frank, gallant manner, that your wrangles do not lessen your personal regard for his merit;
22. But that, on the contrary, his zeal and ability in the service of his cause increase it;
23. And that, of all things, you desire to make a good friend of so good a person.
24. By these means you may, and very often will, be a gainer: you never can be a loser.
25. Some people cannot prevail upon themselves to be easy and civil to those who are either their rivals, competitors or opposers,
26. Though, independently of those accidental circumstances, they would like and esteem them. They betray a shyness and an awkwardness in company with them,
27. And catch at any little thing to expose them; and so, from temporary and only occasional opponents, make them their personal enemies.
28. This is exceedingly weak and detrimental, as indeed is all humour in business;
29. Which can only be carried on successfully by unadulterated good policy and right reasoning.
30. In such situations I would be more particularly civil, easy and frank with the man whose designs I traversed:
31. This is generosity and magnanimity, but is also, in truth, good sense and policy.
32. The manner is often as important as the matter, sometimes more so;
33. A favour may make an enemy, and an injury may make a friend, according to the different manner in which they are severally done.
34. The countenance, the address, the words, the enunciation, the graces,
35. All add great efficacy to the gentle manner and great dignity to the firm mind,
36. And consequently they deserve the utmost attention.
37. From what has been said, I conclude with this observation,
38. That gentleness of manners, with firmness of mind, is a short, but full description of human perfection.
Epistle 21
1. M
y dear son, what a happy period of your life is this!
2. Pleasure is now, and ought to be, your business when you are between school and life.
3. While you were younger, dry rules, facts and examinations were the objects of your labours.
4. When you grow older, the anxiety, vexations and disappointments inseparable from public business will require the greatest share of your time and attention;
5. Your pleasures may, indeed, conduce to your business, and your business will quicken your pleasures; but still your time must, at least, be divided:
6. Whereas now it is wholly your own, and cannot be so well employed as in the pleasures of a gentleman.
7. The world is now your book, a necessary book that can only be read in company, in public places, at dinner, the theatre, at play.
8. You must join in the pleasures of good company, in order to learn the manners of good company.
9. In premeditated or formal business, people conceal, or at least endeavour to conceal, their characters:
10. Whereas pleasures uncover their characters, and the heart breaks out through the guard of the understanding.
11. Those are often propitious moments for forming friendships and connections;
12. And the knowledge of character thus acquired is useful in the windings and labyrinths of the world.
13. Discernment of character, a suppleness, versatility and firmness of mind, with gentleness of manners, are to the mind what neat dress is to the body.
14. Mere plain truth, sense and knowledge are great goods, but in the world of affairs are not yet enough;
15. Art and ornament must come to their assistance, to gain and engage the heart.
16. Mankind, as I have often told you, is more governed by appearances than by realities;
17. And with regard to opinion, people think they had better be really hard, with the appearance of softness, than the reverse.
18. They know that few have penetration enough to discover, attention enough to observe, or even concern enough to examine beyond the exterior;
19. They take their notions from the surface, and go no deeper: they commend, as the gentlest and best-natured man in the world,
20. That man who has the most engaging exterior manner, though possibly they have been but once in his company.
21. An air, a tone of voice, a composure of countenance to mildness and softness, which are all easily acquired, do the business:
22. And without further examination, and possibly with the contrary qualities, that man is reckoned the gentlest, the best-natured man alive.
23. Happy the man who, with a certain fund of parts and knowledge, gets acquainted with the world early enough to make it his property, at an age when most people are the property of the world!
24. For that is the common case of youth. They grow wiser when it is too late;
25. And, ashamed and vexed at having been owned so long, too often turn knaves at last.
26. Do not therefore trust to appearances and the outside of their behaviour to yourself;
27. You may be sure that nine in ten of mankind try this, and ever will trust to them.
Epistle 22
1. My son, your heart, I know, is good, your sense is sound and your knowledge extensive. What then remains for you to do?
2. Nothing, but to adorn those fundamental qualifications with such engaging manners as will endear you to those who are able to judge your real merit,
3. And which always stand in the stead of merit with those who are not thus able to judge.
4. Let misanthropes declaim as much as they please against the vices, the simulation and dissimulation of the world;
5. Those invectives are always the result of ignorance, ill-humour or envy.
6. Let them show me a cottage where there are not the same vices of which they accuse courts;
7. With this difference only, that in a cottage they appear in their native deformity, and that in courts, manners and good breeding make them less shocking.
8. No, be convinced that manners are a solid good; they prevent a great deal of real mischief;
9. They create, adorn and strengthen friendships; they keep hatred within bounds;
10. They promote good humour and goodwill in families, where the want of good breeding and gentleness of manners is commonly the original cause of discord.
11. Get then, before it is too late, a habit of the little virtues as well as the great ones;
12. Practise them, that they may be easy and familiar to you always; and pass through life with success that makes it possible for you to do more good in the world at large.
Epistle 23
1. It is clear that no man can live a happy life, or even a supportable life, without the study of wisdom.
2. You know also that a happy life is reached when our wisdom is brought to completion,
3. But that life is at least endurable even when our search for wisdom is only begun.
4. This idea, however, clear though it is, must be strengthened and implanted more deeply by daily reflection;
5. It is more important for you to keep the resolutions you have already made than to continue making others.
6. You must persevere, must develop new strength by continuous reflection, until that which is at first only an inclination becomes a settled purpose.
7. I have, my son, great hopes for you, and confidence that you will achieve much; but I do not wish you to slacken your efforts always to improve.
8. Examine yourself; scrutinise and observe yourself in divers ways; but mark, before all else, whether it is in philosophy as well as in life that you have made progress.
9. Philosophy is no trick to catch the public; it is not devised for show. It is a matter, not of words, but of reasonings.
10. It is not pursued in order that the day may yield amusement, or that our leisure may be relieved of tedium. It is far more important:
11. It moulds and constructs the mind; it orders our life, guides our conduct, shows us what we should do and what we should not do;
12. It sits at the helm and directs our course as we waver amid uncertainties.
13. Without it, no one can live fearlessly or in peace of mind.
14. Countless things that happen every hour call for advice; and such advice is to be sought in philosophy.
15. Do not allow your heart to weaken and grow indifferent. Hold fast to your resolve and establish it firmly, in order that what is now resolve may become a habit of the mind.
16. If I know you well, my son, you have already been trying to find out, from the very beginning of these letters, the essence of what they bring to you.
17. Sift the letters again, and you will find it. Much of it comes from the wisdom of others, for whatever is well said by anyone is our own to take and keep.
Epistle 24
1. You remember that Epicurus wrote: ‘If you live according to nature, you will never be poor; if you live according to opinion, you will never be rich.’
2. Nature’s wants are slight; the demands of opinion are boundless.
3. Suppose that the property of many millionaires is heaped up in your possession. Suppose that fortune carries you far beyond the limits of a private income,
4. And you accumulate many treasures; you will only learn from such things to crave still more.
5. Natural desires are limited; but those which spring from false opinion typically have no stopping-point.
6. The false has no limits. When you are travelling on a road, there must be an end; but when astray, your wanderings are limitless.
7. Redirect your steps, therefore, from idle things, and when you wish to know whether what you seek is based on a principled or a misleading desire, consider whether it can stop at any definite point.
8. If you find, after you have travelled far, that there is a more distant goal always in view, you may be right to think that you are on the wrong road.
Epistle 25
1. Make it your
business, my son, to know joy. The mind that is happy and confident, able to lift itself above adverse circumstances,
2. Which is as steadfast in itself as it is considerate, just and temperate towards others,
3. Is a cheerful mind; but it is not a superficial cheer, lightly got. Rather, it comes from properly understanding yourself and the world of people.
4. The yield of poor mines is on the surface; the ores of rich mines lie underground, and make more bountiful returns for those who dig deeply.
5. I recommend to you, my son, to do the one thing that will most surely render you happy:
6. Be sceptical about things that glitter outwardly, are cheap and easy to get, and distract you from a clear understanding of what it is right to be and do;
7. Look towards the true good, and rely on what comes from your study and reflection, from your observation of life, and from the best part of yourself.
8. A sense of the good comes from a sound conscience, honourable purposes, right actions, contempt of the gifts of chance, and a rational approach to life’s choices.
9. For people who leap from one purpose to another, or do not even leap but are carried over by chance, how can they hope to achieve a fixed and lasting good?
10. Very few control themselves and their affairs by a guiding purpose they have chosen for themselves;
11. The rest do not proceed, they are merely swept along, like flotsam on a river.
12. Of these, some are held back by sluggish waters and drift slowly along;
13. Others are torn along by a more violent current, unable to stop themselves;
14. Some, which are nearest the bank, are left there motionless as the current slackens;
15. And others are carried out to sea by the onrush of the stream, and lost.
16. None of these lives are as good to live as the life considered, chosen, enriched by understanding and shaped by purpose.
17. You remember, my son, another saying by Epicurus: ‘They live ill who are always beginning to live.’
18. Some men, indeed, only begin to live when it is time for them to leave off living; some men cease living before they have begun.
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