by Helen Phifer
__________________________
Normally she would laugh and tell him to bugger off, but she couldn’t and paused.
‘Everything is fine. Tell him thank you, but I’m okay.’
‘Are you sure, because I can come up and see you; only I’ll have to get someone to drive me because I’ve already drunk a bottle of wine.’
‘Don’t be daft, Jake. I just wanted to speak to you. Will’s not home and it can get a bit lonely up here on your own.’
‘Are you and the golden boy okay? Have you had an argument?’
Annie knew that if she said yes he’d get all protective over her and ring Will to have a go at him. She looked at the mess of broken glass and shook her head. She just wanted Will to come home. He’d never reacted like that before and he’d looked so angry.
‘Honestly, Jake, stop worrying. I’m bored. I love you all and I’m going to bed now. Night.’
‘If you’re sure… We love you too, Annie. Night.’
She felt the hot tears fall from her eyes and ended the call before she let out a sob. What the hell was wrong with her? Once upon a time, Mike would have ripped her to shreds, punched her until she was black and blue, then left her for hours while he went to the pub. And now she was in a state because Will had shouted at her and driven away. Seriously, Annie, you need to get a grip. This isn’t normal.
She sat down on one of the stools and studied the television monitors to make sure there was no one sneaking around the outside of her house. It was blowy outside. The weather had changed and it had been cooler this evening than it had all month. Scrutinising each monitor, she saw there was nothing out of the ordinary. Her eyes started to close and her head began to nod.
Jerking herself awake she stood up and made herself a mug of strong coffee. She was probably overreacting, or she hoped to God she was; but she couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right. She wouldn’t be able to relax until Will had come home and she’d apologised to him. She just hoped it would be soon because she was tired and didn’t know how long she would be able to keep her guard up for.
__________________________
Will took the long way around Windermere to get to his dad’s house on the opposite side of the lake. He would go there for a couple of hours to cool off. He’d almost reached the turn-off for the drive when he realised what a complete idiot he’d been and pulled over onto the grass verge, sticking his hazard lights on.
Why had he got so angry with Annie? She hadn’t been sleeping properly and had black circles under her eyes. Whatever was bothering her must be serious for her to even mention it to him, especially when she knew how he felt. And what had he done? Acted like a complete prick, that’s what. He knew why he had but it didn’t make it any better. He wanted a nice, normal life like most other couples. Boring he’d take any day over what they’d had to endure up to now. He didn’t know any other married couples who had been through anything like they had. The pain, suffering, heartache and worry about Annie was like nothing he’d ever known.
He did a U-turn, heading back in the direction of Hawkshead, his wife and their baby, his perfect family. He’d way overreacted and now she would never tell him anything again. He slammed his hand against the steering wheel. He was furious with himself. Putting his foot down he drove as fast through the winding lanes as he could so he could go home and tell her he was sorry.
When he finally turned into the drive he got out of the car and ran to the front door. Taking his key from his pocket he put it in the lock – it wouldn’t turn. She must have locked it from the inside. He hammered on the door but there was no answer. His heart racing, he ran around to the side of the house where the kitchen light was still on and pressed his face to the glass.
He felt like a complete bastard when he saw her perched on a bar stool, her head resting on crossed arms on the island with the CCTV monitors in front of her. She was fast asleep. Alfie was asleep in the pram next to her. He knocked on the window, making her start from her sleep. She looked confused then turned to stare at the window when he knocked again. He waved at her, but the light from the kitchen made it hard for her to see his face.
Will knew that as long as he lived he would never forget the look of fear etched into his wife’s face. She stood up, reached into the pram for Alfie and held him close to her chest with one hand. She began to back away, picking up the biggest knife they owned in the other. Will was horrified. This was far worse than he’d ever imagined. Taking out his phone he rang her and she jumped when her phone began to vibrate on the side table. Running to pick it up she breathed a sigh of relief to hear Will’s voice.
‘Open the door, Annie. It’s freezing out here. I’m so sorry.’
‘Where are you?’
‘Staring at you through the kitchen window outside.’
‘How do I know that’s you? I can’t see you.’
‘Look at the monitor, Annie. It’s me; please let me in.’
She glanced across at the monitor and saw Will waving at her. Putting the knife down she crossed to the back door and opened it wide enough for him to step through and then pushed it shut, locking it again. He didn’t speak, pulling her close enough to kiss her. They would talk, but it would wait until the morning. He’d never seen her act like this. Not even when Henry Smith had escaped from the secure psychiatric hospital and was on the run. She looked exhausted.
‘I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped like that. All I want is for us to have our happy ever after. We deserve one after the last few years. Let’s get you both to bed and we can talk in the morning.’
She nodded and pulled away from him, handing him Alfie. ‘I need a quick shower.’ She went upstairs, clearly relieved he was home.
Will reset the burglar alarms and then carried his son upstairs where he laid him back down in his cot next to Annie’s side of the bed. He undressed and slid under the duvet, relieved to be able to finally relax. Annie came out of the bathroom, her black hair damp and in ringlets. She had on a pair of pyjamas that he’d bought her for her birthday and smelt of Chanel No 5.
She shut the bedroom door and crossed the room, climbing in next to him. It wasn’t until he reached across to hold her close that he realised she was trembling. She was cold and he wrapped his arms around her, trying to warm her up and make her feel safe again. He loved her more than anything and he hated it when he got angry with her. She didn’t deserve it – not after everything she’d been through.
‘I’m so sorry, Will.’
‘For what?’
‘Being a complete fuck-up, that’s what. I know it can’t be easy being married to me. I’m sick of it as well, you know, but I can’t stop it happening. I feel as if I’m on a roller coaster and the brakes are about to fail.’
‘You don’t need to be sorry. None of it was your fault. I was just being a complete dick. I’m stressed out with work and I love being married to you so don’t ever forget that. We’ll talk about it in the morning and see what we can do. Try and get some sleep.’
He kissed her damp, coconut-smelling hair and she snuggled into his chest.
__________________________
Annie closed her eyes, hoping the tiredness wouldn’t let the dreams come and that she wouldn’t wake up in her dream life, watching the world through the eyes of a killer. She also hoped Alfie wouldn’t wake up for a couple of hours, because she’d taken a good, hard look in the mirror and realised that she needed some beauty sleep now more than ever.
Summer 1950
It took three weeks before Colin was allowed to go in the centre ring for a performance. Gordy had worked him hard and he’d done everything that had been asked of him plus more. The other clowns had pitched in and the rest of the performers had watched as the cumbersome teenage boy had been transformed into quite the performer. He was a natural and had a knack of making the smallest trick look easy. Gordy was impressed and a little bit worried that Colin would steal the limelight from the rest of them.
&nb
sp; The circus had paraded through the town they were in today and the kids had flocked to Colin – much to his amazement and Gordy’s annoyance. He questioned whether his protégé was going to be too good at this performing lark. After the parade Colin had been so happy that Gordy felt guilty. He’d taken away the lad’s mother, although he wasn’t aware of that yet and – so far so good – the police hadn’t turned up looking for him.
There was a problem, though. He had the itch again and it was like a burning sensation inside his skin. He wanted to scratch it until it bled, but he knew it wouldn’t make one bit of difference. The only way to satisfy this itch was to kill someone. He didn’t care if it was a man, woman or child. If the opportunity came along he would take it. Just the thought of it sent him into a frenzy. He had to go for a walk to calm himself down.
Leaving Colin practising in the ring, Gordy walked along the perimeter of the circus then slipped through a gap in the fence to get into the park. He could see a playground in the distance and began to head that way. As he got nearer he saw a solitary girl playing on a swing. Looking around he couldn’t see her parents, or anyone else in fact. She was pushing herself backwards and forwards using her body to make the wooden seat move.
He crossed the playground in her direction. When the girl noticed him he did a hop, skip and then bowed to her. As he bent down he pulled a bunch of flowers out of his sleeve and handed them to her. Her surly face broke into a smile and she began to laugh. He grinned at her then sat on the swing next to her. He began to copy her and pushed himself back and forth until he was swinging at the same level. She looked around then turned to him.
‘What you doing?’
‘Swinging. What are you doing?’
‘Swinging.’
He laughed. ‘That’s makes two of us. Why are you here on your own?’
‘Why are you here on your own?’
Gordy tilted his head while he considered his answer. ‘I’m here because I needed some peace and quiet. It gets very noisy over there.’ He pointed in the direction of the circus.
‘Me too. I ran out of Sunday School. I’m tired of listening to them talk about Jesus.’
‘Do you think that was wise? Aren’t they going to be worried about you?’
She shook her head. ‘Who, the nuns? They don’t care about anything except God. They’ll want to hit me with a ruler or a slipper, though, when I go back. It hurts as well. You would think God wouldn’t want them to hurt kids, but they do.’
Gordy absorbed the information the girl had just shared with him. She was either an orphan or at a boarding school. Technically she had no one to miss her. This was a very good sign.
‘How would you like to come and have a look around the circus?’
She jumped off the swing. ‘Really, like right now?’
‘Yes, now; well, in a minute. You see that field over there? I have to go and collect some more flowers first. You could come and help me pick some then we can go and I’ll show you the lions and elephants. It’s almost feeding time. You can watch. If you’re good I might even get you some popcorn. How does that sound?’
She hesitated for a moment, wondering if she should be going with the clown. She didn’t know him. He smiled at her and held out his hand. She looked over her shoulder at the circus not too far away, then she looked at him and reached out her fingers to grasp hold of his. He smiled to himself as he led her across the playground to the empty field in the distance.
__________________________
As the sun was setting and a cool breeze began to flutter the trees and flowers, so did the material of the girl’s once-white, now blood-red dress. There were several policemen along with a handful of volunteers out searching the park and surrounding fields for little Ester White, who had run out of Bible class this morning and not been seen since. They were taking the task in hand very seriously and there was no sound as they beat the long grass and shrubs with wooden sticks. Sister Sarah at the orphanage had been left wringing her hands while the men were out searching.
‘Bleeding hell, I’ve found her. Dear God, at least I think I’ve found her. Officers, over here.’
Sergeant Young blew his whistle to alert his colleagues and began to run towards the park groundsman who was now bent double and heaving all over the grass. As Young covered the ground he saw the two white legs protruding from under a bush at the side of the scrubland. One shoe on; the other nowhere to be seen.
Crossing himself, he didn’t want to go any further because, if he did, it meant it would be true. He couldn’t think of anything worse than having to look at the dead body of a child. Knowing he had no choice he forced himself to carry on. The sound that escaped his lips was one of complete horror. The girl who he’d had cause to speak to on several occasions because of her insolent behaviour no longer sported a face that was recognisable and he felt his own legs give way as he fell to the ground.
Who would do such a thing? There was a monster out here somewhere; this town was not huge. The worst cases of violence that happened here were behind closed doors after husbands returned from the pub after one too many beers. He had never seen anything like this and prayed to God he’d never have to see anything like it ever again. Peters came running behind him, out of breath. Not looking in front of him, he was concerned as to why his sergeant was on the ground. Young pointed in front of him and he heard Peters’ sharp intake of breath at the pitiful sight of the girl.
‘What’s happened? Is she… you know?’
Sergeant Young forced himself to stand up. ‘Yes, Peters, she’s dead. She has no bloody face.’
‘How? Maybe an animal from the circus escaped and killed her.’
Young wished with all his heart it could be so straightforward. It would be far easier to accept and believe that a lion or bear had done this terrible thing. Only she didn’t look as if she’d been mauled. There were distinct knife wounds all over her body and face. He doubted very much a wild animal would have tried to conceal her body under a bush either.
‘Really – and you don’t think the circus would have notified us if a lion escaped? You think maybe it killed her and strolled back in time for the evening matinee so it didn’t get in too much trouble?’
‘Well, now you put it like that, no.’
‘No, you’re right. An animal has done this to her, but it wasn’t the four-legged kind; it was a two-legged monster and I’ll bet my month’s wages that whoever it is lives in that circus. Now go back to the station. I need a doctor and more officers. I want this field closing off from the public until we’ve moved her to the hospital.’
Peters nodded then turned and began to walk back to the car. Young forced himself to turn around to face the girl and whispered, I’m so sorry, Ester White. I’m sorry that you had to die like this. I promise you I’ll find him and when I do he’ll hang for his crimes. I give you my word, sweetheart. Brushing away the tears that were falling with his sleeve, he coughed as he imagined his own daughter lying there instead of Ester.
__________________________
While Colin and Gordy performed their final act in the circus ring, they were totally unaware of the mayhem that was about to ensue. The crowds were loving it. They were clapping and singing along, laughing at their antics. Colin was such a natural even Gordy was impressed at the ease with which he’d filled his role.
As Gordy turned to run away from Colin he couldn’t help but spot the two burly policemen who were at the sidelines, whispering in the ringmaster’s ear. His heart skipped a beat and he knew that they’d found the girl. He should have hidden her better. He’d known it was risky leaving her only partially hidden, but he’d heard the sound of a dog barking and kids laughing in the distance. He’d panicked and now it was all over.
He could run, turn around now and get out of here. Slip out through one of the fire exits; but then what? His life was this place. Without it he would die anyway and, besides, they might not be here for him. He turned and waved at the crowd then began t
o walk over to where they were standing.
__________________________
Colin wondered what he was doing. This wasn’t in the routine. Tufty didn’t just walk out of the ring and leave him on his own. He began to panic, wondering what was happening. The lights dimmed, signalling the trapeze artist was about to start her show, and Colin followed Gordy, who was now deep in conversation with the ringmaster and coppers.
Colin panicked as they looked over. What if they’d come to take him home? His ma was probably fed up of having to go to the shop for her own beer and fags and had sent them after him. Well, he wasn’t going back. He didn’t care any more. He didn’t like her and she didn’t like him, not how she was supposed to like her own kid anyway.
He turned and ran in the opposite direction. Gordy began to chase him along with the two policemen, but there was no way Colin was going back to that house. He ran through the curtains. Gordy was almost up to him when there was a loud shout as the men who were lifting one of the heavy poles up on a rope and ginny wheel to replace a broken one outside the tent heard the chaos of the police, ringmaster, Colin and Gordy. Their attention was taken away for a moment and the pole, which was far too heavy for the rope, pulled taut as the rope snapped. It fell to the ground, landing on the two clowns and pinning them both to the ground.
He woke up in hospital, not sure how long he’d been there. Turning his head slightly he looked to the side to see his friend in the bed next to him being examined by a doctor. There was a bandage around his friend’s head and neck. His eyes were open, but he wasn’t moving. He cried out and the doctor and nurse came running over to him.
‘It’s okay; you’re fine. Just had a nasty knock to the head, unlike your friend, who took the brunt of the fall and has had his larynx crushed. He can’t speak. So this is very important: can you tell me your name, son?’
