“I suppose you’d better come in,” she said begrudgingly.
“Thank you,” he said, hoping he’d infused his words with the genuine thanks he was feeling.
She led him into her sitting room where Riley’s play gym was on the floor.
“You can set him down there,” she said, pointing to the mat and toys.
Reluctantly, Sam did as she suggested and was pleasantly surprised when he saw Riley roll over from his back to his tummy.
“He can roll over!”
“Yeah, he’s been doing it for a few days now. Thinks he’s pretty clever.”
Sam heard the bittersweet tone in her voice and it drove a stake into his heart. This was one milestone she could still be a part of, but what came next? The enormity of her giving Riley up just hitched another notch. A sudden desperate urge to protect her from any more harm mushroomed inside him. He was the instigator of all of her unhappiness. He had to make it up to her.
“Why are you back?” she asked. “I thought I made my position clear last night.”
“You did. But I wanted to apologize to you. For some stupid reason I really did think that throwing money at you would absolve me of some guilt, but I was very wrong. I didn’t mean to hurt you more, Erin. When I left here weeks ago, I was so angry I could only see one thing and that was getting Riley. I never stopped to think about what it would do to you, only about what I’d missed out on, what I’d lost. I’m so very sorry. It was selfish of me, and narrow-minded.”
Erin looked at him in shock. When she didn’t speak he pressed on.
“I had some information on you, you know, and your husband—but it wasn’t nearly enough. I wanted to know exactly who had given birth to my son. I didn’t hear about your family life or what happened after that until the night we took Riley to the emergency doctor.” He lifted a hand to his face and rubbed his eyes. “It was a helluva night, wasn’t it?”
“That’s one way of describing it,” she said tightly.
“Damn, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to minimize what happened, what I did and said to you. I’d received confirmation that Riley was mine and I wanted to tell you. That day, out on the boat, it was the perfect opportunity, but then we got the call that Riley was sick. When you asked me to get the car keys, the last thing I expected to see on your desk was the letter from the laboratory confirming James wasn’t Riley’s dad—the date on the letter told me you had known for weeks.
“I have to admit, I saw red, but I couldn’t challenge you with it there and then. We had to get Riley to the doctor.”
“And then I made you drive,” she commented.
“Yeah.”
For an instant, that old shiver of apprehension rippled up his spine but he ignored it. He’d conquered that demon because she’d made him do it. If she hadn’t, he might never have driven again. After the accident, his license had been suspended for six months and his lawyer had negotiated a period of probation for him so he hadn’t served any time for his negligence. He’d never wanted to get behind the wheel again, ever. He’d wanted to continue to punish himself forever, if that was what it took to relieve the pain of what he’d done. And then he’d found Riley. Another human being who needed him and, in that moment, relied on him to do the right thing. It had changed everything.
Sam dragged in a deep breath before continuing. “While you were in with Riley I got another call from my investigator. One that told me about your life before you came to the lake.”
She paled visibly. “I guessed as much,” she said, wrapping her arms about her middle as if she could protect herself from what was to come. “I didn’t exactly lead an exemplary life.”
“You didn’t exactly have the care and protection a child should have in their home prior to that either. You had nowhere else to go, did you?”
“Lots of people leave home and still make a go of things without getting into the trouble I did.”
Sam felt the love in his heart swell even more when she didn’t allow herself any excuses, but wasn’t that part of the problem? That she was so hard on herself that she was prepared to give Riley up altogether?
“Can you tell me a bit about it?”
“What? My happy home life or what it was like living on the streets? To be honest with you, oblivion was better than either of them. You know it all anyway, why do you need to hear it from me?”
“Because I need to know it from your side.”
He waited, silently urging her to carry on. Her gaze was focused intently on Riley as he rolled again on his mat, his attention suddenly riveted on a toy just out of his reach. Erin bent down and shifted the toy closer, letting Riley reach for and grab it himself. Finally, she sat back in her chair and began to speak.
“My mother never wanted me. She blamed me, incessantly, for my father leaving before I was born. We didn’t have much while I was growing up and she liked to make sure that I knew that was my fault, too. At some point I realized that wasn’t normal. That her bitterness toward me wasn’t like what other kids’ mommies were like with their families. I learned to hide when she was on a bender, to duck when her fists were a little too free.”
Sam heard the understatement in her words. Fury against her mother fired to life inside him. If the woman couldn’t provide the very basics of human comfort to her child, why then didn’t she allow her to stay with someone who could? Every child deserved at least that, surely?
“As soon as I was old enough,” Erin continued, “I left. I ended up with a brief stay in a foster home with a great family, but my mother fought to get me back—even now I can’t understand why she did that unless it was to make sure my life was as utterly miserable as hers. I’d run away again, and got taken back a few times, but eventually I got smart enough not to be caught, and then my mother died and I somehow slipped off the radar.
“It was easier then, but I got into a few bad habits, made some bad choices.”
“Tell me about the baby that died,” he pressed.
She swallowed hard before speaking, her voice jerky as she recounted the story. “I didn’t know the couple well. We were staying in an abandoned building, a bunch of us. People came and went, you didn’t make friends. When a new couple showed up we were surprised they had a baby girl with them. She can’t have been much more than a few months old. Seemed to me that she was like the meat in the sandwich with her parents. If one was angry at the other they’d take it out on her. Nothing too obvious, like hitting her or anything like that—initially at least. It was more things like leaving her in a dirty diaper and blaming the other for not changing her or for not buying diapers. Pinching her to make her cry when the other was holding her. We all saw what was going on.” Erin’s voice began to quake. “I tried to help the mother when I could but he made me stop.”
“He?” Sam prompted.
“The father. He was small and wiry and liked to use his fists to prove he was just as good as anyone who was bigger than him. One night, he threatened me. Pushed me face-first up against a wall, with my arm twisted behind my back. He warned me not to interfere with his family again or he’d kill me. No one would care, he said. No one would know.
“I stayed well out of the way after that. One night, I went out and met up with some other acquaintances. Had a few too many to drink and I passed out. By the time I woke up and went home the police were there. The baby had been hurt really badly. We were all taken in for questioning and the media had a field day with us all. I know we weren’t innocent. T
hat little girl died and I knew that any one of us should have stood up to her parents, or called the authorities—something, anything, to protect that innocent child.
“I always thought my mother was a bad person, but I was worse. I did nothing when I could have done something. I could have been that little girl’s one chance to have a better life—what am I saying? Even just a life—if I’d only done something, spoken to someone. It was a heck of a wake-up call. I promised myself I’d clean up my act. The police never did get enough evidence on anyone to press charges. I vowed that if I ever had a baby, I would be the best mother it could ever have. I’d love it, I’d protect it—it would want for nothing. When I came here and met James it was like a dream come true. I wanted to create a perfect life for us. Too perfect for him, though. Eventually I drove him into another woman’s arms.”
Sam sat up straighter in his chair. “He was unfaithful to you?”
Erin wiped an errant tear from her cheek and nodded. “When I found out, we’d already entered the IVF lottery. I confronted him about it, asking him what he wanted. Us and the chance to have a family, or her. He chose us. But then he got sick and, well, you know the rest.”
Sam felt as if he’d been through a wringer listening to her story—but she’d had it worse, she’d lived it. He knew there was more, so very much more. Layers and layers of hard times and hard choices. His respect for Erin grew in leaps and bounds, his love for her deepened. She’d gone through so very much and still come out determined to be the best person possible at the very end. It was no great wonder that after all she’d endured, she’d been prepared to conceal the truth about Riley’s paternity in order to continue to keep the home that meant so much to her.
It wasn’t just that she loved the lodge—although he knew she did. It was also because she knew exactly how hard it was for a young mother out there with nothing and no one to help her support her infant.
“You’re an incredible woman, Erin Connell.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Look, I allowed my emotions to cloud my perspective where you were concerned. They made my reaction to hearing about your past just that, a reaction. With no thought, no consideration. I stand by my statement, Erin. You are incredible.”
“Your emotions?” she looked up and stared at him.
“I was falling in love with you, Erin.” To his horror she paled even further.
“And I screwed that up, too, didn’t I?” she said brokenly.
“I’d thought—hoped—that maybe you were falling in love with me, too. Weren’t you?”
Seventeen
Riley started to fuss on the mat and rubbed at his eyes with his pudgy little fists.
“It’s time for his morning nap. I’ll get his bottle.”
Erin leaped to her feet and disappeared in the direction of the kitchen. She’d latched onto the chance not to answer his question and had all but run from the room. Had he read her all wrong after all? Had she not been falling in love with him? He scooped Riley up off the floor and cradled him in his arms.
“Sorry, my boy, I don’t have the goods you’re looking for right now.”
She was back within a couple of minutes, a warmed bottle in her hand. She thrust it at him.
“Here, you may as well do it. You’ll be doing a lot more of it soon, anyway.”
Somehow, in the short time she’d been in the kitchen, she’d shored up her defenses again. The vulnerability that had been starkly visible on her face only moments ago was gone. He took the bottle from her and offered it to Riley, who dutifully opened his mouth and eagerly began to drink, his little hands slapping against the sides of the bottle and Sam’s hand. It was a precious moment, but one that highlighted the gulf that was opening up between Erin and Riley.
“You’re bottle feeding him now?” Sam asked without thinking.
“It’s in the terms of the contract that he be weaned before you have full custody.”
She said it bluntly, in a no-nonsense voice that almost managed to hide the longing in her voice. Guilt gave him a hard mental slap. Lost for words, he poured his attention into watching the boy in his arms. Riley was almost asleep by the time he finished the bottle.
“Do I still need to burp him?” Sam asked, confused as to what to do next. “Or will I wake him too much?”
Erin had always done everything so competently, and the size of the task ahead of him now began to assume enormous proportions. Sure, he’d have nannies around the clock, but even so, there was a lot he still needed to learn because he wanted to be a hands-on dad.
She rose and collected a cloth from a small stack on a nearby table and put it on his shoulder. “Don’t worry, he won’t wake.”
After Riley had burped, Sam handed him over to Erin, who took him to his room to put him down in his crib.
“This is really hard for you,” he said as she came back into the room.
“Talk about the understatement of the year.”
“Why did you stop fighting?”
She gave him an incredulous look. “I beg your pardon?”
“Why did you stop fighting me, for custody of Riley?”
“I think that’s self-explanatory, don’t you?”
“On the face of things, yes. You’re strapped for cash, you soon won’t have the lodge to live in. But none of those things are insurmountable.” He chose his next words very carefully, delivered them with great reluctance. But he wanted the most honest response she was capable of. “Why did you give up?”
Shock turned to fiery anger in her eyes, twin spots of color highlighted her cheeks and her hands fisted on the arms of the easy chair she had settled into.
“How dare you!”
“I dare because I need to know, Erin. Why did you give up?” he repeated the question, enunciating the words very slowly. Prodding her to respond.
“I had to do what was best for Riley.”
“Are you saying you weren’t already? Don’t lie to me. I’ve seen the kind of mother you are—devoted to your last breath.”
Pain scored her features. “That may be so, but it’s not enough, is it? It doesn’t put food on a table, clothes on a child’s back, provide an education and opportunities in the world. Devoted doesn’t always mean safe.”
She got up from her chair and walked over to the montage of baby photos on the wall, lifting her finger to trace Riley’s newborn features. “Don’t you see? I may have given birth to him, but Riley’s yours. You want him. You’ve fought for him. You will do whatever it takes to protect him and to provide for him. If you were any less of a father in your heart and your mind I would have fought you. You can be certain of that.”
And suddenly Sam understood why she’d been prepared to sign the agreement uncontested. He was offering Riley what she’d been denied all her life. A loving parent, safety, security, a home. A future.
His heart swelled. He did offer all that to Riley, would give it unconditionally. But he wanted to give that to Erin, too. He got up to stand behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders, carefully turning her to face him. He could feel her bones through her shirt. He’d thought she looked drawn but it hadn’t occurred to him that she’d lost so much weight. He would make it right. He would make everything right.
If only she’d let him.
“Erin, I asked you before, if you were falling in love with me. I’d like to think that you were.”
“Why? So you can hold something else over my head? Destroy another
piece of me? Don’t bother. I’m not worth it.”
Her voice was tight, as if it hurt to talk. She refused to meet his gaze and he could see the sheen of moisture in her eyes. Sure, he understood her hurt over his paternity claim, but her pain went so much further. Past giving up Riley. Past the baby who died in the squat house. Past the trouble she’d gotten into as a rebellious teen. All the way back to the little girl who’d grown up knowing her father hadn’t cared enough to stick around and that her mother didn’t love her.
“I misjudged you, Erin. It was a mistake, one I intend to rectify. You are everything I thought you were when I first met you. A loving and protective mother, and a capable and beautiful woman.”
She started to shake her head but he caught her chin and gently tilted her face up to his.
“I began to fall in love with you the first moment I saw you. I fought it—my God, I fought it. I’d been living in my own version of hell for so long I had convinced myself I didn’t deserve to feel anything for anyone, ever again. When it came to the crunch, I’d only let them down again. But my heart wouldn’t listen when I tried to tell myself you were off-limits.
“That night when you kissed me, it was everything I had dreamed of in a kiss. I knew I wanted more. I pushed you, even though I could see you were fighting your own battle with your attraction to me. I’d like to think that the first time we made love, it really was making love, and not just sex between us. I know it was for me. I love you, Erin Connell.”
“No, you can’t. I’ve been a bad person, I’ve done bad things. I tried to keep you from your own child. How can you possibly love me?”
He could hear what she wasn’t saying. How can you love me when I’m so unlovable? Her father left her, her mother abandoned her emotionally. Even her husband couldn’t stand by his marital vows to her. She’d had some hard knocks in her life, but no more. Provided she was willing—and if she wasn’t he planned to somehow thoroughly convince her—he’d do everything in his power to make sure she endured no more hardships, no more loss.
A Father's Secret Page 16
