“So you didn’t want to sleep with me tonight, huh?” I asked.
“I did, but you took too long to get home. I called your phone several times, but you didn’t answer. Where were you?”
“I left my phone in the car while I talked to Mona. After I left her place, I stopped to get a bite to eat. This shit with Stephon was heavy on my mind, so I didn’t feel like talking to anyone.”
“So what did you find out? Is he really messing around with that stuff or what?”
“I’m afraid so. Mona confirmed everything for me.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. I know you were hoping to hear something different.”
“Yeah, I was. Tomorrow I’m gonna make plans to talk to him again. Just straight talk between me and him, nobody else.”
“I hope it works out. In the meantime, if you want me to come home, I will. Mackenzie and I wanted to spend some time with Leslie and her kids because they’ve been kind of going through some things too.”
“Naw, I’ll be all right. I need to get some rest anyway.”
“Are you saying you can’t rest with me there?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. With your body lying next to mine, woman, I can’t stay focused on getting any sleep.”
“Same here. I’m gonna miss you tonight, though. If you get too lonely, grab my body pillow and hold it as if you’re holding me.”
“Trust me, it’s not the same. Just hurry back.”
“Can’t wait. I love you.”
“Ditto.”
Nanny B touched my shoulder and startled me. I had dreamt about telling my sperm donor what a wonderful man I’d become without him in my life. When I quickly jumped up, she stepped back.
“Are you all right?” she asked.
I stretched. “Yeah, I’m fine. Stanley was just starting to take credit for what he didn’t do, that’s all.”
“Now, that sounds just like him. And I guess I don’t have to ask if you’ve made plans to speak to him.”
“No, you don’t have to worry about that, because I don’t think that’s going to happen any time soon.”
“I did all I could do, so I’m out of it.”
“Thank you for agreeing not to interfere anymore. I’ll deal with Stanley in my own way.”
Nanny B nodded and sat on my bed. “Listen, on Friday I need to go take care of something, if you don’t mind.”
“That’s fine. Scorpio and I can handle things around here for one day.”
“I know, but I’ll be gone for two weeks.”
“Two weeks? What are you going to be doing for two weeks?”
“My sister and I are going on a vacation.”
“That’s nice. I’m glad you’re doing something for yourself. Take as long as you need, and we’ll do our best to manage.”
“You need to take a vacation too.”
“Yeah, but I got so much shit going on here that I can’t find the time to leave.”
“That’s because you’re starting to make too many other people’s problems yours. You’re only one man, Jaylin. You can’t take care of everybody and you can’t make everybody happy.”
“I agree. And I’m not trying to.”
“I hope not. Whatever it is that’s going on with Stephon, you need to let it go. Out of everything that’s happened with you, I got a feeling about this one. History repeats itself, and I don’t want to see you get hurt in the process.”
“My guards are up this time. Stephon’s problems will not consume me or affect my life in any way.”
“I hope not. Just be careful, okay?”
“You have my word.”
I didn’t care what nobody said; Nanny B was the love of my life. I’ve never had anybody care for me and love me as much as she did. Bottom line, she was the bomb!
I didn’t waste any time calling Stephon. It was eight o’clock in the morning and I told him I’d be right over.
“Man, I’m trying to get some rest before I go to the shop. Why don’t you stop by the shop and holla at me later?” he said.
“Because I need to see you now. I’m on my way.”
Within the hour, I was at Stephon’s door. He frowned about me coming over so early, but I didn’t give a damn. He walked down the hallway to his room and plopped his naked ass down on the bed. He covered his face with a pillow and placed his hand on his thang. I scanned his room for drugs as I sat down on a beanbag chair. I did notice two blunts in an ashtray lying on the floor.
“Wake up, nigga!” I said.
“Jay, I’m tired. You be getting up too damn early for me.”
“Only when I got something heavy on my mind.”
Stephon took the pillow off his face and laid it next to him. He realized that I wasn’t going anywhere, so he finally sat up and scooted back against the headboard. “Speak,” he said.
“I’m not gonna beat around the bush, so I’m here to tell you that I know you’ve been snorting ’caine. If you need help, go get it. I don’t want you to wind up like your mother, and I’m prepared to do everything to make sure that doesn’t happen.”
Stephon had a blank expression on his face as he moved his head from side to side. “I can’t believe you still trippin’ with me—”
“Stop the motherfucking lying, nigga. I’ve had too many people tell me what’s up, and they have no damn reason to lie on you.”
“Punk, don’t yell at me! You ain’t my daddy. I told your ass, I ain’t doing that shit. If you don’t believe me, then fuck you.”
“Nigga, fuck you. And I got your punk,” I said, standing up. Stephon hopped up, and we stood face to face.
“What you want, nigga?” he yelled.
“I need for you to get your pussy ass together. If you don’t want to, then fuck you. Don’t call me when you fall flat on your face, and I mean that shit.”
Trying to avoid a fight, I left his room, heading for the front door. Stephon yelled at me from down the hall.
“You don’t understand me, fool! You don’t understand nothing about me! If you did, then you’d know why I do what I do. You act like you’re so much better than everybody, and you don’t know shit about a struggle.”
I slammed the door and turned to look at him. “DON’T HATE ON ME, NIGGA!” I yelled, swinging my fist. “That’s your problem now! I have had it harder than any damn body in our family. You sorry sons of bitches had your mama, your daddy, and each other. I had nobody! Now, a long time ago I had a choice: either I was going to sit back and feel sorry for myself like you and your conniving-ass brothers, or I was going to make a way for my damn self. Don’t blame me if your ass got left behind.”
“You damn right you didn’t get left behind. Nanny B made sure of that, didn’t she? She, like everybody else, always got to protect Jaylin. Jaylin this, and Jaylin that. Let’s all make sure Jaylin don’t get his fucking feelings hurt. Fuck that shit, man. You have had support from people all around you. I have had nothing. And if I want to get high to relax my damn mind, then who in the fuck are you to come in here and look down on me?”
“I’m nobody,” I said, casually walking down the hallway. “If you haven’t felt my love for you, I’m sorry. There ain’t nothing I can do about it. You have always had me, Stephon, and you know it. Don’t stand there and point the finger at me because you’re not man enough to work out your own damn problems. If you are bitter about what Nanny B did, go talk to her about it, not me.”
“All I’m saying is she didn’t have to leave me out like that. And you had many opportunities to tell me who she really was, but you didn’t. Can’t you understand how excluded I felt?”
“She and I made a promise not to tell anyone that Grandpa left the money to her and she gave most of it to me. But please don’t make this about money. If Nanny B’s decision to give me the money is the reason you’re doing drugs, then I’ll go to the bank right now and split my account down the middle with you. It ain’t about that, Stephon, and you know it. ’Fess up and take responsibili
ty for your own actions. Again, I’m here, but if you continue with your bullshit, you will soon stand alone.”
I walked off and Stephon followed behind me, calming his tone. “My drug usage ain’t as bad as you think it is. I’ve only snorted that shit a few times, so don’t go thinking it’s more than what it is. It’s not that severe where I need to go get help.”
“I hear differently. And ain’t it a coincidence that your mother used to tell us the same damn thing?”
Stephon walked past me and sat on the arm of the couch. Feeling as if we were finally getting something accomplished, I leaned against the wall next to the window.
“What you want me to do, Jay?”
“I would like for you to get some help, but it’s all about what you want to do. I would also like for you to chill out with these threesomes you keep having. Every time I come over here you’re with different women, and I got a feeling that having sex ain’t all y’all been doing. You need to be careful about the company you keep.”
He laughed. “Man, I be using condoms. You know how it is; I like to have fun. And we don’t always do drugs.”
“I don’t believe you. When I spoke to Mona yesterday, she said you were obsessed with sex and that the reason she left you was more about you doing drugs than you cheating.”
“Obsessed? Please. I don’t get no more pussy than you get. If I’m obsessed, you’re overly obsessed.”
“But I get my pussy from the same person. Yes, I’m obsessed with her pussy, but that’s a good thing.”
“Nigga, please. You’ve had sex with more than just Scorpio this year. I can’t believe you’re standing there pretending—”
Stephon had a point. Sometimes it was hard for me to see things for what they truly were. Even though he didn’t recognize my change, I had done so—a little. Still, I defended my situation and changed the subject. After all, this wasn’t about me. “You’re right; I have had sex with someone other than just Scorpio, but drugs aren’t on the menu. Now, getting back to your obsession, how many women have you slept with this year?”
Stephon placed his finger on his temple. “Let’s see . . . it’s mid-year now, so—” He counted his fingers and looked up as if he were thinking. “Between forty and forty-five. Now, how many have you slept with?”
“Damn! It for damn sure ain’t been nowhere near that many. Actually, it’s only been four, three of which wouldn’t have happened if Scorpio hadn’t been tripping.”
“Well, I’m just trying to keep up with the old Jaylin. This new one kind of flaky and shit.”
“Whatever, nigga. Sometimes change is good.”
Stephon and me talked for a while. He said he would lay low with the drugs, and assured me he didn’t need any help. I couldn’t do nothing but go with the flow. I hoped everything would be cool, but only time would tell.
When I asked how he found out about Nanny B, he claimed that he figured it out shortly after she had broken the news to me. He also showed me a picture of Nanny B in her wedding dress, standing next to Grandpa, Aunt Betty, and Mama. When I asked where he got it from, he said he found it in his mother’s belongings she’d left behind. He also showed me a letter from Aunt Betty that confirmed Nanny B as being our stepgrandmother. I understood his frustrations about her not giving him any money, but to me, that was a good thing. Stephon didn’t seem to really take ownership of his problem, and that only meant trouble.
16
NOKEA
Stanley drove me crazy about seeing LJ. I asked if he’d talked to Jaylin about it, and he insisted talking to Jaylin was a lost cause. I hadn’t spoken to Jaylin in a little over a week. He seemed so preoccupied every time I called, so I wasn’t trying to interfere with whatever was going on between him and Scorpio. I was also trying to keep my own relationship on the right track. Collins was very uncomfortable with Jaylin and me being friends, so maybe it was time for me to leave well enough alone. The last thing I needed was for Collins to feel as if he couldn’t trust me, because without trust, I knew it would be hard for this relationship to work.
For whatever reason, I conceded and agreed to let Stanley come by my place to see LJ. I wanted LJ to know who his grandfather was, and since Stanley was ill, I at least wanted some pictures to show LJ, just in case something happened. The first time Stanley came, everything was cool. He played with LJ all day long, I took pictures of them together, and I let Stanley take LJ around the corner to get some ice cream. I was a little worried, but when they came back and I saw the smiles on their faces, I felt at ease.
My problem didn’t occur until the second time he came for LJ. It was a Friday morning and he asked if he could take LJ to the circus. I saw no harm in letting LJ go to the circus with his grandfather, but when I hadn’t heard from Stanley all day, I started to get worried. He left a cell phone number for me to call him, but when I called, he didn’t answer.
When six o’clock rolled around, I panicked. Jaylin was supposed to pick up LJ for the weekend at eight, and Collins and I had dinner plans at nine. I must have called Stanley’s cell phone a million times within the hour, and he still hadn’t answered.
I called Collins in a serious panic, and he said that he’d be right over. When he arrived at my place, I couldn’t stop crying.
“Baby, calm down. Everything is going to be fine,” he said.
Tears streamed down my face as I looked to Collins for answers. Of course, he didn’t have them. All he could do was hold me in his arms. “Where is my baby, Collins? Do you think he—”
“No, no, just calm down. If he’s not back by the time Jaylin gets here, we’ll call the police.”
“But I can’t tell Jaylin. He’s going to kill me. I had no right to let his father take LJ, Collins.”
“Yes, you did. You thought you were doing what was best. Now, have a seat and let me make some phone calls.”
I sat on the couch. I couldn’t get myself together. Every time I’d hear a car, I’d rush to the window, but there was no Stanley. The hour moved quickly, and I watched Collins pace back and forth on the phone and Internet, trying to come up with an address for Stanley. When he told someone to hold on, he clicked over, and said it was Jaylin.
I shook my head. “I . . . I can’t talk to him, please. Tell him I’ll call him back.”
“Baby, you have to. He’s not going to want to hear it from me.”
I silently prayed for the safe return of my son before I put the phone up to my ear and sniffled.
Jaylin quickly inquired. “Nokea? What’s wrong, baby?”
“Would you come over here, please?”
“I was calling to tell you I’m on my way. But are you okay? Where’s LJ?”
“Just come, okay?”
“I’m coming! What’s up? You haven’t been fighting with your man, have you?”
“No,” I said in a shaky voice.
“I was getting ready to say . . . I didn’t want to come over there and bust nobody’s head open.”
“Jaylin, LJ is gone. He’s not here.”
There was nearly ten seconds of silence. “Gone? What do you mean by gone?”
“Your father took him—”
“Wha—wait a minute. You allowed my father to take him?”
“He wanted to take LJ to the circus. I didn’t think he would be gone—”
“Nokea,” he said, “if my son ain’t at your house by the time I get there, I’m gonna break your fucking neck. Simple as that. Why in the hell—!” He got louder. “Why in the hell would you let LJ go anywhere with him? I have got to be fucking with the most ignorant-ass bitches in St. Louis.” The phone went dead.
I covered my face, and Collins sat down on the couch and comforted me. I knew things were about to get ugly, so I called the police before Jaylin came.
They arrived first, and shortly after, Jaylin came storming through the door. He yelled at everybody, and one of the officers asked him to calm down.
“Fuck that! You calm down. If it were your damn child, you w
ouldn’t be calm either.”
“I understand, sir. But this is your father we’re talking about, right?”
“Hell no! He is a stranger to me, and should have never been allowed to leave this fucking house with my son.”
The officer looked at me as Collins held my trembling body. “Is there any known address for him? Something or anything we can go on other than his cell phone? You must have gotten something.”
“She too damn stupid to think like that. How you gon’ let your child run off with somebody you know very little about?” Jaylin yelled.
“Man, that’s enough,” Collins said. “I know you’re upset, but I’m not going to let you stand there and disrespect my woman. Now, we’re all in this together. Being angry with each other isn’t going to help us find LJ.”
“He’s right,” the officer said, looking at Jaylin. “Maybe you can help us find him. Do you have any idea where your father might live?”
“He’s not my father. My nanny is the only source I have that might know. She’s on her way out of town for two weeks, though. She left this morning, and I’m hoping that she’ll call me soon. There’s no guarantee she’ll know his address, but it’s all I can think of.”
“Do you have a number where you can reach her?” I asked Jaylin in a soft voice.
He pointed his finger at me. “Don’t you say one damn word to me. After I get my son back, I’m gonna do everything in my power to take him away from your ass.”
“Jaylin,” Collins said, “that’s not even necessary. I’m asking you to chill and stop disrespecting my wom—”
“You got one more damn time to interfere before I’m gonna tell you about your so-called-ass woman!” He turned to me with rage in his eyes. “You’d better get him. Quick!”
Collins continued to take up for me, and Jaylin wasted no time in blurting out what was on his mind.
“If she your damn woman, Collins, then why she still fucking me? Huh?” He pounded his chest. “Tell me that, nigga.”
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