My first stop was at my sister Delores’ house. Again, I called to let her know I was on my way, hoping she’d tell me she had something to do. It was just my luck that she happily told me to come over, stressing how anxious she was to meet me. She said that she worked from home as an interior decorator. She was three years older than I was, so I knew if anybody had answers to my questions about Stanley, she would.
On the drive to her place, it puzzled me as to why I couldn’t let the situation go. I thought after Stanley died I’d be able to put behind my concerns about him leaving me, but I couldn’t. I’d even dreamed about him a few times, but in my dreams, we got along just fine.
When I arrived at Delores’ house, an older lady smelling like gin and juice, whose hair was wrapped in a bun, answered the door. I knew Delores was younger, had gray eyes like mine, and had a darker complexion, so I asked for her.
“Come on in, Jaylin,” the woman said. “Delores is expecting you. Have a seat on the couch and I’ll go get her for you.”
I sat down, and as I waited for Delores, I looked around the muggy and distastefully decorated room. I noticed two pictures of Stanley hanging on the wall and a whole bunch of other pictures crookedly hung as well. For Delores to be an interior decorator, I found the room to be quite old fashioned and tacky. The couch was made out of an itchy-feeling plaid fabric. Two old-timey leather recliners with rips in them were next to the couch, and an old floor model TV was in the far corner. Figurines cluttered the place, and the green fuzzy carpet didn’t match a damn thing.
Delores came in covering her mouth. She got emotional as she held out her arms for a hug. I hugged her, but I guess I was not as excited as she was, so I quickly let go.
“Jaylin Rogers,” she said, staring at me. “Boy, you know you look a lot like our father.”
I took a seat and so did she. “I’ve been told that I look a lot like my mother. What I can remember, I think I look like my mother.”
“Well, we only have one picture of your mother. You do look like her, but Stanley made you.”
Still disagreeing, I kept quiet.
“So, tell me something about yourself,” she said, giddy as ever. “At Daddy’s funeral, I met your girlfriend, your son, your daughter, and your son’s mother. My niece and nephew are some of the cutest children I have ever seen.”
“Thanks, but, uh, there really isn’t much to know about me. I don’t work, I don’t really like to do anything, and I love my kids.”
“Well, I barely work, I’m not married, I don’t have any kids, and I love my family. That was my mother who answered the door. I guess you know that her and Stanley was never married either.”
“Actually, no, I didn’t know. You see, I’m trying to find out how or where did all y’all fit in? I never even knew I had a brother and sister until he died. Did y’all know about me?”
“Yes, we did. But I’m gon’ call Mama in here to talk to you.” She turned around and yelled, “Mama! Come here for a minute.” Her mother came in and stood in the doorway. “First of all, would you tell Jaylin how much he looks like Stanley?”
Her mother walked further into the room and sat in one of the raggedy recliners. She stared at me, taking a sip from her mug. “Yes, honey, you sholl look like the Stanley I remember. He was a fine young man, but I’ll be the first to tell you that y’all’s daddy wasn’t worth a damn!”
“Mama, don’t go telling Jaylin any bad stuff about Stanley. From what I can tell, he didn’t seem to like him that much.”
“It’s not that I didn’t like him,” I said in my defense. “It’s that I really didn’t know him like I thought I did. I never understood why he walked out on my moms and left me.”
“Jaylin, my name is Ursula. Ursula Blackstone. Stanley walked out on you and your mother like he walked out on me and my two babies ’cause he was a punk!”
Delores defended Stanley again and cut her eyes at Ursula. “Mama, don’t be talking about Daddy like that. You know he had issues.”
“We all had issues, chile! I always tell it like it is, and if don’t nobody like it, to hell wit’ ’em. I never understood why you always took up for that fool, especially after how he treated us.” She looked back at me, and I could tell the alcohol was brewing. “Jaylin, I met yo’ daddy first. When I got pregnant with Delores, he ran off and got with yo’ mama. They got married, and then you came along. That fool ran back and forth between the both of us. I got pregnant again, and he did what he knew best—ran out! When yo’ mama got killed, we got back together, and two months later, his butt was gone again, this time for good. Nobody had heard from him in years.”
I was interested in what Ursula had to say. I sat up while clutching my hands together. “Did anybody know where he went? I mean . . . at my mother’s funeral, he told me that everything would be cool. He said we’d still be a family, even with Mama being gone. I believed him, but next thing I knew, I was in an orphanage.”
“Baby, you for damn sure were in a better place than us. If somebody had taken my babies and me in, I would’ve let ’em. At the time, we didn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. This one right here,” she said, pointing to Delores, “almost died on me one day from being so hungry. I didn’t have no money, and Stanley promised me the world. I quit school to be with him, and without an education, who in the hell was gon’ hire me? It was pitiful!
“Your brother, Jeffrey, he suffered the most. He wanted his father in his life so bad, but there wasn’t nothing I could do. Then, I guess about five or six years ago, Stanley decided to show up. Show up for what? That’s what I wanted to know. My kids were grown and didn’t nobody need him. Delores kept in touch with him, but Jeffrey refused to fool with Stanley after what he did to us.”
Delores turned to me and held my hand with hers. “What Mama really trying to say, Jaylin, is stop blaming yourself for what Stanley did. Jeffrey blamed himself for a long time too, but I know deep in my heart that us being born wasn’t the reason Daddy walked away. I spoke to him personally about it, and he said he just didn’t know how to be a man. He was afraid of his responsibilities and he didn’t have enough money to take care of y’all’s household and ours.
“I thank God for giving me the strength to make peace with him, but I understand how you and Jeffrey feel too. If you really think about it, Jaylin, you were better off than all of us were.”
“You damn right he was!” Ursula said, wiping her tears. “I never understood how one man could cause all these people so much hurt. I’m telling you that man was the devil, and I hope he’s gone straight to hell.”
“Mama, don’t go getting all upset about this—and you shouldn’t say mean things like that. It’s in the past now, and it’s just time for all of us to forgive Stanley and move on.”
I couldn’t believe that I had found someone else who obviously hated Stanley more than me. “I agree about moving on,” I said, standing up.
“You’re not getting ready to go already, are you?” Delores asked.
“Yeah. I don’t want to take up any more of your time. I appreciate both of y’all taking the time to talk to me.”
“There will be no such thing as you leaving so soon,” Ursula said, standing up. “Take off your shoes and relax. That’s if your feet don’t stink. Let me cook y’all something to eat. I apologize for letting that fool upset me.”
I laughed and looked down at my shoes. “No, really, I can’t stay.”
“Why? ’Cause your feet stink? With a sharp pair of shoes like those, they betta not be stinking.”
“Mama, cool out,” Delores said. “Come on and stay, Jaylin. We have so much more to talk about, other than Stanley.”
I hesitated for another moment and sat back down. “Okay, but just for a little while.”
Ursula Blackstone was my kind of woman. She cracked me the fuck up. I wound up staying a lot longer than I’d anticipated, and we all talked for hours about our familes, friends, careers, and even more about Stanley.
I didn’t know I had so many other relatives. I laughed at the many pictures they’d shown me of some of the ugliest people I’d ever seen.
By five o’clock, I did kick off my shoes. And instead of us going over to Jeffrey’s place, he came over with his wife and daughter. At first, we didn’t say much to each other, but when Ursula told the same story about how Stanley abandoned everybody, Jeffrey definitely had something to say. He was just as bitter as I was, and the hurt of not having a father around showed on his face.
Thing is, though, they really did have it a lot tougher than me. I couldn’t imagine some of the things they had gone through, and I realized that everything had worked out for the best.
As eight o’clock neared, I decided to call it a night. Ursula got out her camera to take pictures of us. We all resembled each other in many ways, but the one thing that stood out the most was everybody’s gray eyes and thick eyebrows. They called me a white boy since I was the lightest and both of them were a chocolate brown.
I asked Ursula to send me a photo in the mail so I could show it off. I promised to keep in touch and encouraged them to do the same. Before I left, Jeffrey offered to walk me out to my car.
“This is nice, Jaylin,” he said, touching the hood of my Navigator.
“Yeah, I just got it not too long ago.”
He nodded and reached out his hand. “It was good seeing you, my brotha. We’ve been strangers for too long, so be sure to keep in touch.”
“Will do,” I said, reaching for his hand to grab it.
He gave me a hug and pat on my back. “Love you,” he said.
He caught me completely off guard, and after I hesitated for a moment, I responded. “I love you too.”
Jeffrey watched as I got in my truck and drove off.
I must have smiled the entire way home as I thought about the Blackstone family. They were some of the most genuine, funny, and caring people I’d ever met. During the whole time with them, I felt the love. It proved to me that with Stanley being in our lives or not, his three children turned out to be just fine.
22
NOKEA
Collins and I slowly but surely worked our way back to each other. He’d taken me to dinner the other night, and afterward, we went to his house and made love. I was so happy to be back in his arms, and this time, Mr. Jaylin was not going to interfere. I’d been playing him off like crazy. I wasn’t trying to be mean or anything, but we both really needed to move on with our lives.
Jaylin called the other day and told me about his newly found family. I was really happy for him. When he asked if I would meet them, I told him I’d already done so at Stanley’s funeral. Jaylin wanted more, but I felt as if I didn’t want to intrude on Scorpio’s territory. Since she planned on being his wife, she was the one who needed to know his family. Besides, I didn’t want Collins tripping with me. He wasn’t cool with Jaylin coming to the house to get LJ, he wasn’t cool with me going to Jaylin’s house to pick him up, and he sure in the heck wasn’t cool with us spending hours on the telephone.
Jaylin wasn’t too happy about my sudden distance, but I wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to be left behind. I truly felt as if the day was near for him to break the news about Scorpio and him getting married. On occasion, I even talked to her, and she couldn’t stop talking about how they were putting forth every effort to make a baby. Under the circumstances, my feelings were hurt. I knew the times he and I shared together were coming to an end—if they hadn’t already.
Early Sunday morning, I sent Mama to Jaylin’s house to get LJ so he could go to church with her and Daddy. Right after they left, Jaylin rang my phone. I already knew what his gripe was about because we’d argued about Mama picking up LJ the night before.
“So, are you going to avoid me for the rest of your life?” he asked.
“No. I told you I’m trying to work out things with Collins. Can’t you understand?”
“Yeah, I understand. I understand that he’s running shit over there. It doesn’t make sense that you’re refusing to come to my house because he’s insecure.”
“Wouldn’t you be? I’m not saying I’m never coming over there again. All I’m saying is right now it’s not a good idea.”
“What about my family?”
“What about your family, Jaylin?”
“I’d like for you to get to know them. Our family reunion is coming up, and I’d like for you and LJ to go.”
“LJ can go, but I can’t. Besides, isn’t Scorpio going?”
“Yes.”
“Then why do you need me to go?”
“Because you’re the mother of my child and I want you to be there.”
“But I’m not family, Jaylin. If I were going to be your wife, then yes, I would love to go. That position is already taken, so cool out, all right?”
“Nokea, you and I have always been there for each other, no matter what. Don’t let anyone take that away from us, okay? All I’m saying is think about it. Scorpio doesn’t mind. I already told her you were going. Clear the shit up with your man and let me know.
“This is not about you and me, baby. This is about LJ getting to know his relatives. Some day, if I’m not around, I want you and him to be close to my family. Now, is there anything wrong with that?”
“I guess not, but we’ll see. Let me think about it.”
“Think hard,” he said, and then hung up.
Once again, I was in a tough situation. I wanted to do this for LJ and Jaylin’s sake, but there was no way Collins would agree. He’d be uncomfortable with the whole thing, and I didn’t want him to feel that way. If I didn’t tell him about my desire to go, then I stood the chance of him finding out that I’d gone behind his back. Honesty was so important to him, so I decided to mention it to Collins later on at his place.
I arrived at Collins’ place around four o’clock. He whipped up a pot of spaghetti and leaned over to give me a kiss while he stirred. I asked if I could help, and when he insisted he didn’t want my help, I sat at the kitchen table, watching my adorable man in an apron. He poured two glasses of Moët and sat next to me with a glass in his hand.
“Let’s drink to new beginnings,” he said. Our glasses clinked and I took a few sips from mine.
“I’m so happy we worked this out. You have no idea how much I’ve missed this,” I confirmed.
“Oh, yes, I do,” he said, standing up. He walked back over to the stove, continuing to prepare our food. I got up and wrapped my arms around his chest. I laid my head against his back, closing my eyes in deep thought.
After Collins finished dinner, he set the table for two, dimmed the lights, and lit two tall vanilla candles. He held my hands from across the table and we looked at each other through the flames.
“I want you to be with me forever,” he said. “With everything that’s going on in Detroit, my partners decided that one of us should be there on a regular basis. I haven’t made a decision yet, but there’s a possibility it’s going to be me. If so, I want you to move with me.”
There was silence. I didn’t know what to say about his sudden news. “But . . . but you said months ago that you wasn’t going to move. St. Louis is home for me, Collins, and I can’t make you any promises right now.”
“Then don’t. I’m just telling you if I decide to go, it’ll be soon.”
“How soon?”
“Two months, or maybe three. I’d love to stay here, baby, but my partners and I came too far to let our business go down the drain.”
“Well, why can’t one of them go?”
“Curtis, his wife has cancer and she’s getting her treatments here. And Kenny, he’s got three young kids that go to school here, and a wife who loves her job. Me, I wouldn’t have to make as many sacrifices if I decide to move.”
“What about LJ and me? Are you willing to lose us?”
“Not in a million years. That’s why I want you to come with me. You can always come back to St. Louis to visit.”
“Collins,
it’s not that easy. I can’t walk away from my family like that. And my job? Lord knows I’ll never find a job making as much money as I make right now. I recently got another promotion and I’m happy with it.”
“Your parents can visit us, and you can always come back to visit them. As for your job, baby, I have plenty of money to take care of us. It isn’t important for you to make a lot of money. You can get a part-time job, if that makes you happy. Hell, stay at home and tend to LJ for all I care. I just want you with me, that’s all.”
Thinking about it, I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. I didn’t want to move away, but I loved Collins too much to let him go alone. I opened my eyes and rubbed my hair back. “How long are you going to give me to decide?”
“How long do you need?”
“I don’t know,” I said, standing up. I wasn’t hungry anymore, because something else had come to mind. I leaned against the counter and folded my arms. “Baby, all I can think about is that darn agreement I gave to Jaylin months ago. Do you remember what it said?”
“Yes. It said if you left St. Louis within the next five to ten years, he’d get custody of LJ.”
“That’s right. And I’m not going to give up my child to him that easily.”
“You don’t have to. Trust me, my lawyer would make sure that didn’t happen.”
“I don’t want any lawyers getting involved. There has to be a better way.”
Collins walked over to me, as he saw how upset I got. “Calm down, baby. We’ll come up with something, okay?” He gave me a hug and kissed my forehead.
After his news, I wasn’t in the mood to do anything but go home and sort through my feelings. There I was thinking about this darn family reunion, and I was now faced with a decision like this. I didn’t want to let Collins go alone, but what was I going to do about LJ? Collins knew I’d never leave my son behind, and battling this out in court would mean hell for everyone. All Jaylin had was a stupid notarized letter signed by him and me, and witnessed by our attorneys. I wasn’t sure if that would even hold up in court, but I didn’t want to take any chances. Still, I promised Collins I’d give my attorney a call in the morning. Before I did anything else, I wanted to find out if Jaylin even remembered me making such a stupid agreement. I knew it would come back to haunt me, but what could I do about it now?
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