Heat rushed to her face as she fiddled with a can of paintbrushes. "Thank you for giving me this chance. I'm excited to be working with art and people again. I wasn't sure what I'd do this year when I found out I lost my job, especially when I couldn't talk at the time."
"Their loss. Although I'm sorry about it, I'm glad it brought you here to us. I know you hear this a lot, but you're very well known around the center. Hunter's inspiration of you helped create something that I'm still amazed to be part of years later. I wish every success story could be as strong as yours. You give us all hope. And I'm totally not trying to embarrass you." She touched Becca's shoulder.
With a nervous laugh, Becca shook it off. "I'm not used to this kind of attention, other than from Hunter. I was always kind of invisible before." Now why in the world did she have to say that?
Not even a look of pity from the doctor. Instead, she smiled. "The world just doesn't understand sometimes. I'm sorry the job is only part time right now."
"Oh, don't worry about it! I would have volunteered my time!" Becca couldn't believe it when they'd called her to ask about filling in a spot for a new position.
"You can't even begin to know how happy I am you're on board here. Hunter has spoken so highly of you throughout the years. It's wonderful to finally meet you. Speaking of Hunter, please let me know if there's anything we can do for you two. I know he's pretty hush hush about his private life, but with the news lately and the way he's been..."
"Thank you. It's been one crazy summer," Becca said softly. She closed the remaining paint jars that were still open.
Hunter had left the car with her, saying he needed a good walk. No, more than likely he was afraid to get behind the wheel again after this morning's episode. Becca let it slide without commenting in order to not upset him again. He'd promised to let her know when he made it home and he had.
"It's a shame art and music are often cut out of schools. I find creativity helps spark a light in people, especially young kids and those who have limited ways of expressing themselves."
Becca traced her fingers on the table that held some of the artwork done today so far. "It really is. Art was my way of letting my feelings out. My aunt handed me a paint set and a big piece of paper one day to give me something to do and I just took to it. At the time I wasn't walking or talking, so she was so excited when I painted something." Thinking back to those days wasn't something she liked to do, but lately they kept popping up in her mind.
"We have a new patient who is the same. She can't walk and she doesn't speak. She's very withdrawn and so young. I think she's about ten. It's hard sometimes. We get so attached and feel so much for them and they don't always have the best outcome," Dr. Velez said softly. "Her family- they've pretty much given up that she'll ever recover."
Becca stopped and straightened. That one hit close to home. "Let me guess. Before coming here, doctors were skeptical and pretty much sealed her fate." She realized how much anger went into her tone and had to remember to keep calm. If she had to play devil's advocate, doctors went by statistics. Sometimes way too much.
"Yes. They entered her here in the program as a last hope, but I can see it in their faces. They're giving up."
"That breaks my heart." Putting a hand to her heart, Becca blinked back tears.
"Hunter said you had the same thing. Doctors and your living relatives didn't believe you'd come out of it."
"It's true. Hunter was the only one who believed. I don't remember a lot of it, but he used to sneak in my room in the hospital to lay next to me. I guess somehow I always responded when he was there. A social worker who'd bonded with him suggested the hospital keep him longer to stay with me until I woke up, because eventually they all saw the reactions. I know it sounds crazy..."
Dr. Velez covered one of Becca's hands with her own. "It doesn't. Not to me. Somehow, even when you weren't fully there, you knew Hunter was there with you. After what you two went through, it's what you needed. Not everyone has someone who goes the extra mile. The event that brought you together is heartbreaking, but the two of you have something rare and precious. Ever since you came back with Hunter, he's been a different man. Despite what's going on, he's been better than the last few years. I want to ask you something and you don't have to tell me. What's going on with him? I have my guesses, especially after seeing you two the other day, but I don't want to invade."
"PTSD," Becca whispered, even though there was no one else in the room at the moment. "When he saw the girl in the wheelchair who must have just had surgery, it triggered a flashback. He's not handling this well. He keeps thinking it should be better and he doesn't understand why him after so long."
"Thought so. I had a family member who suffered from it. It's never easy."
"It's a struggle for sure," Becca replied. "At least we know now, but the diagnosis itself is hard on him. Plus he has to keep answering questions about the same things over and over again that he wishes he could forget."
Their conversation was cut short by another doctor walking into the room who needed Dr. Velez's assistance.
The rest of the day flew by and before she knew it, her first day of work came to an end.
Waving good-bye, Becca walked out of the center feeling good about things. She pulled her phone out to call Hunter, but he didn't pick up. Oh well. She'd just see him at home soon. She couldn't wait to tell him about her day.
When she walked through the front door, Becca called out his name. To her left, a mess of blankets caught her attention. What in the world? Did he built a fort?
"Hunter? Are you under there?" Crouching down, she pulled back one of the blankets and sure enough, Hunter was there on his back. Her initial thought was that he'd hurt himself or fallen asleep, but he opened his eyes and turned her way. "What are you doing?" she asked softly.
He reached out a hand. "Come under here," he pleaded.
The least she could do was humor him. Becca slid under his strange little fort and laid beside him. "What's this all about?"
"I wish I was more like you, so put together over everything. Looking at you now compared to a few weeks ago. You bounce back easily."
"That's totally not true. The only reason I seem so together is because I've always had to force myself to keep it in. Living with people who never understood or wanted me to let out how I felt builds up. I'm not as put together about it as you think, Hunter."
"I guess I never realized until this summer how much you actually kept in. Before all those years apart you never held back with me."
She'd held back a lot more than anyone realized. Sometimes, that included herself. It took all the events this summer to put into perspective how much Becca kept it in.
He reached across for her hand, clasping his fingers over hers. A tingle slithered up her arm.
"I couldn't stop thinking about this morning. After I got home I did some looking on-line about PTSD which now I wish I hadn't because I don't feel any better. Anyway, I needed a little bit of peace. I remember when I was a kid I used to build forts and lay under them. My dad would find me under them and then put me to bed. It's one of the memories I have of my childhood."
Her heart went out to him. Hunter had longed for a sense of peace for quite some time and he hadn't been able to find it yet.
"Tell me what else you remember." The conversation of their childhood prior to the crash didn't really come up much. They'd always tried to focus on the present and getting through life's craziness as it happened.
"I loved basketball. Dad used to take me to games. I wanted to play on a team and had planned on it the next school year. Then the accident happened. I never played after that, not the way I wanted to. Every time I did, I was reminded of what I lost. I had basketball on the brain that entire trip." He squeezed her hand. "We were at a game when a call came in and then a few days later, we went on the plane. I just don't remember the events between the two. I wonder if the call was from your family, but why would they call us and then we go
on the plane?"
So this tormented him too. She didn't even know what to say. The questions had been burning in her mind too.
*****
Hunter hadn't meant to blurt all that out. He'd been the one to tell Becca not to put so much into what they didn't know, and here he was doing the very same thing. Today was just one of those days he felt more out of control than ever.
"The answers will come if we look hard enough," Becca finally said after a long stretch of silence.
If he wasn't the one convincing her, then she spent her time doing the same in return.
"Yeah," he replied, shifting to his side to look at her. "How was your day at work?" Hunter had enough of the past for the time being.
"I loved it! I'm so glad to be working on art with others again. The doctors and staff there are amazing. I'm still in awe that you helped create the center because you were inspired by me. Every time I turn around, someone is singing my praises. It's a little uncomfortable and intimidating at times, but I guess I'll get used to it." Becca's voice was filled with excitement. The perfect job for her, and it wasn't even suggested by him. "They talk about you just as much. I'm not the only legend."
Hunter laughed. "I'm a legend for being crazy, maybe."
"No, you're a legend for being one of the most supportive and generous people they know, and they're all worried about you," Becca said seriously.
Hell, he was worried about him too. "I don't like not knowing what's in store for me. I had it all mapped out at one time. Flying, family ... I was sure about things, you know? I knew what I wanted, even though I didn't always get it. Then one thing changes and it completely rips me off the path I was on. Now I am lost. You're so right. I walk around aimlessly because I don't know where to go from here. I'm torn right down the middle of what I want to do with myself for a job because flying was so much more to me than a job. Is that how you felt when your artistic muse failed you?"
"It sure is. You saw what happened. It wasn't the first time, and I bet it won't be the last. But look at me now, I'm back to what I love to do. You can do the same thing."
He could, but... "Look what I did this morning. Can you imagine me on a plane? I don't know if it'll work for me anymore. I'm not safe to even notice a stupid red light. I can't go into the sky like this!' Agitation settled in his veins like an iron weight.
"You might feel this way now, but it could change." Becca scooted closer to him, wrapping an arm over his chest and resting her head on his arm. He was close enough to easily kiss her forehead.
"What do I do until then?"
It took him a while to realize he'd asked that out loud.
Chapter Twenty Three
Hunter's second appointment with Dr. Ryan rolled around again. The past few days were a mix of ups and downs as he struggled to figure out what he wanted to do. He needed something. As long as it didn't require him to drive or fly or be in charge of someone else's life, he'd be fine. Every time he went somewhere with Becca, he found a way to get her to drive without blatantly admitting he was afraid to. Becca knew though, so why couldn't he just admit that's what it was? She didn't press him to talk about it or anything. She just took it all in stride and did the driving.
So what, he was going to avoid that all the time too? No. Somehow he had to get past this. Much as he didn't like talking, Hunter would have to bring up the incident today. A long, deep sigh escaped his lips. Becca immediately glanced over at him, her eyes full of curiosity.
She never had a chance to say anything. The door to the office opened and they were called back. "You must be Becca." Dr. Ryan's smile was friendly. "Thank you for coming today."
"Thanks for letting me. I want to be here every step of the way." Becca shook his hand, then reached for Hunter's again as they made their way to the office.
Dr. Ryan didn't reply until they were all seated and the door closed. "Good. This is a long road and Hunter needs all the support he can get. Last week, I recorded the session, which Hunter was fine with, but what about you? Any objections? This is just for my personal use for keeping track and notes. No one else will hear this at all."
"It's fine by me. Whatever helps." Becca didn't even seem fazed by it. Not the way Hunter felt last week, but he got used to it. He wasn't even sure why the recorder bothered him. Maybe it was just the fact that what he said would be on tape.
"Great. So, how was this week?" He focused his attention on Hunter.
He felt like the specimen under a microscope. "It was up and down," Hunter admitted. He wouldn't be able to get away with not mentioning the red light incident the other day. If he didn't say it, Becca would. "A few days ago I ... well it's hard to explain. I drove Becca to her new job and we were talking. Then she cried out because the light was red and I swore it was just green. I had to hit the brakes pretty hard and almost hit the car in front of us. I don't remember spacing out. Honestly, I haven't driven since then. I don't know what that was all about, and I don't want to take any chances."
There went Dr Ryan again, writing something down. Hunter wished he could peer over and see what he put down in his folder. He didn't like not knowing.
"Hmm. What were you talking about at the time?"
Did it matter? "Becca asked me what I was going to do while she was at work. I overreacted."
"No flashbacks?"
"Nope, not with that one. It was like a piece of time was erased and even though it was short, it scared me. I could have hurt or killed someone." Hunter wrapped his hand around the side of the chair and squeezed.
"Becca, what did he do during that time?"
"He just stopped talking to me. I didn't really know anything was off, other than a faraway look in his eyes that reminded me of the night he pinned me against the wall. His eyes had this glaze to them. I noticed the red light and Hunter wasn't stopping, so I yelled. That must have snapped him out of it." She shook her head.
"What's wrong with me?" Hunter asked, eager to know.
"It sounds like you disassociated." Dr. Ryan tapped his pen on the desk.
Hunter focused on the movement. "What the hell is that?" Another thing to worry about? He calmed down slightly when Becca put her hand on his back. He slumped in the chair a little.
"It's like a daydream. Sometimes it's one's way of not having to deal with something. It happens often with those who've suffered a trauma."
"Yeah, but I've never been like this!"
"Is it me? Did I do this? He was upset at me," Becca said quietly. "He mentioned triggers last week and that maybe I'm one. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to be bad for him."
Hunter stared at her. "Bec, you're not bad for me." No way! She was the best thing to happen to him in a long time! He slid his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close.
"Even if you are a trigger, it doesn't mean you're bad for Hunter. You can help him the most. You know what he's feeling, or at least in most cases can relate. Seeing you might trigger something here or there, but it's nothing you're doing on purpose. Sometimes the mind just goes places and something or someone will trigger it without warning," Dr. Ryan informed her. "Hunter might have disassociated because his mind couldn't handle something."
"I've been asking him what he wanted to do since he doesn't want to fly right now," Becca said. "I know he's feeling the pressure, but I don't mean to. All I wanted to do was help." She blew away stray wisps of hair from her face.
"You're not the one pressuring me, Bec. I promise, it's not you." Hunter kissed her cheek. "I hate this. It's bad enough trying to understand PTSD, but disassociation too? Not remembering parts of my day, or spacing out and possibly doing something to myself or someone else not realizing it? I don't like this at all." Defeat sagged in his shoulders and he blew out a breath. Shit. This kept getting worse.
"Is there a way to stop them?" Becca asked.
"Well, there's a few options. Know the triggers and avoid them, but that's not always possible. I can see right now in your case it's not going to be e
asy, not just because you remind him of the events, but because you're looking into the history. Flashbacks and disassociation seem like they come out of the blue. However, there are warning signs. Sometimes it seems like your surroundings are fuzzy and it's like you're partly there."
Yep. He'd felt that way the day a flashback hit seeing that girl, and many other times. Okay, now he knew what it was when he felt that way, but how did he stop them from happening?
"Just try to bring yourself back. Use all of your senses. Touch. Sound. Grip something, listen to music. Smell something comforting. I can already tell you have a great support system. Becca, you can talk to him calmly to help him come out of it."
Becca nodded. "I always try to."
"I've hurt her more than once in the process." Hunter closed his eyes. He didn't open them until Becca's gentle touch against his cheek brought him back to reality.
"Don't do that. I know I was afraid of you for a while, but we know what's going on now. All we can do is work through it together." There went her thumb, waiting for him to seal a promise. Ever since he'd reminded her of it weeks ago, the childhood promise seal came back into play.
"Thank you for everything," he whispered before facing the doctor again.
Dr. Ryan actually smiled. "You've got this. I have no doubt." His gaze bounced between the two of them. "We'll talk about coping and other things you can do today."
*****
Hunter stopped Becca before she climbed in the car. His expression was grim as he hugged her. "I don't know I managed to be able to keep the most amazing woman ever, but thank you. I know I'm not easy to deal with and I've said the same thing over and over lately. When I think it's going to get better, I learn something new, or I screw something else up. I open my eyes to think you're not going to be here and there you are."
A Masterpiece Unraveled (The Masterpiece Trilogy Book 2) Page 22
