by York, Zoe
He turned so slowly that she half expected him to stop long before he did. But he didn’t freeze when his gaze connected with hers, or when his upper body had twisted back in her direction. He didn’t stop until he turned all the way around and they somehow went from her holding his arm to him holding both of hers. His large, strong hands slid up to firmly grasp her upper arms and he pulled her close.
“I know you’re a woman,” he said, his words strained. “That’s the problem.”
“You know…” Suddenly aware of her breathing, Dani tried to play it cool. “You don’t see me as a twelve-year-old?”
He gave her a baleful look that revealed just enough masculine hunger to keep her from feeling silly. “No.”
Dani had read enough romance novels to know what came next. Her heart pounded in her chest as she stared into Jake’s eyes. He was looking at her, really looking at her, and unless she was pathetically mistaken, he wanted to kiss her. Any second now, he’d close the gap between their bodies and she’d feel him hard against her belly. The thought made her weak at the knees and wet between her legs.
But he didn’t pull her closer. He didn’t move away, either, just held her there, staring. She said his name, quietly at first and then repeated it again a little louder, and he cut her off the second time, his voice strained. “I can’t. Your brothers…hell, my brothers would kick my ass.”
“It’s none of their business,” she whispered, pressing up on her tiptoes. Maybe she could arch her back and trick him into kissing her.
He frowned. “It’ll be everyone’s business. And that will be the end of my business before it even starts.”
“Because of one little kiss?”
His brows knitted together. “It wouldn’t be—” He let out a harsh exhale and released her arms only to slide his hands into her hair and pull her face toward his. But his kiss landed on her forehead instead of her lips, and Dani’s heart cracked. “Go back to college. Forget that your brother’s friend is a dirty old man who likes the way your hips look in blue jeans.”
He squeezed the nape of her neck gently before stepping back and lifting his hand in an absent wave as he walked backward down the front walk. She pressed her unkissed lips together and watched in disbelief as the object of her long-held affection drifted away.
— ONE —
Present day
A FUNERAL sucked at the best of times.
These were far from the best of times.
Dani glanced at the empty glass in her hand. She wished she could get drunk like her family and friends, but she’d volunteered to watch Ryan’s three-year-old daughter, Maya. It was the least she could do for her co-worker as he buried the mother of his three young children. Dani couldn’t even think about it without yet another sob rising in her throat. Maya’s older brothers, Gavin and Jack, were curled up on the couch playing video games on hand-held tablets. Their faces were drawn. Blank. Totally done with the day, and the two weeks that had preceded it.
The funeral had taken some time to organize because of the horrific circumstances around Lynn’s death. Circumstances that had landed Dani’s own brother, Rafe, in the hospital. He was here today, somewhere, with his ex-wife Olivia. Ex- and soon-to-be once again wife, if Rafe had anything to say about it. That made Dani happy, and God knew that she needed something like that to hold on to.
The investigation into the shooting—which had happened at the marijuana grow-op—was ongoing, and everyone knew it would be months before all the details would be revealed. The autopsy on Lynn Howard’s body was semi-public information, however. Their entire small town of Pine Harbour now knew that their friend, daughter and neighbour had quietly been living with ALS, Lou Gherig’s Disease, for almost a year. She’d kept it a secret from her husband for reasons she’d taken to the grave. Her recreational drug use and depression hadn’t been a secret, though, and the guilt of that weighed on everyone.
Dani slid a watchful look toward Ryan. They’d worked together ever since she joined Bruce County EMS. He’d been her senior for on-the-job training, and they’d clicked enough to regularly be paired together for shifts—and over the last three years, they’d become close friends as well. He wasn’t talkative, exactly, but she’d never seen him this withdrawn…ever. Not even in the last two weeks. He’d given a short, sad eulogy at the service, but other than the most basic pleasantries, hadn’t spoken to anyone all day. He looked exactly like his sons—done.
Maya crawled out from beneath the dining room table, a cookie crumbling in her chubby little hand. The rest of her was slimming out rapidly as she sprouted into a preschooler, but her hands still had the adorable baby dimples that Lynn had loved to kiss so much. Just thinking that made Dani well up again, and she shoved that grief aside. Tomorrow. She could sob all she wanted tomorrow.
One of the choir members swooped by and took the cookie before Dani could intervene—for fuck’s sake, her mother was dead, let her eat a goddamn cookie if it distracted her for a few minutes—and then Maya was on the floor, whimpering for her Mama. That was why Dani couldn’t cry…it wasn’t her turn.
She sat down next to Maya and held out her hand. “Cuddle?”
The burrowed blonde head wobbled negatively.
Dani wracked her brain for something that might distract her enough. “How about a juice box?”
That earned Dani a long pause before a reluctant, tiny noise squeaked up at her.
“Here you go, kiddo.” A long pair of muscular legs appeared in front of them, then folded in half as Jake Foster gruffly delivered an apple juice and two fresh cookies on a paper plate.
Of course it was Jake. Because what she needed on top of grief and confusion was a healthy layer of mixed-up unrequited lust shoved in her face. He had a newly grown beard, not his usual look, and she liked it despite herself. It really wasn’t cool for him to take his usual handsome looks and make them extra-sexy at a time like this. It was a neatly trimmed, close-cropped scruff of light brown hair tinted with gold highlights and she wanted to run her palm over it and find out if it was rough or silky. She couldn’t decide which sounded better.
“Thank you,” Maya said solemnly. She tilted her head to the side and watched Jake suspiciously as she took a cookie, as if to say, are you going to stop me from eating this cookie right here on this floor, giant man?
He didn’t. Instead, he joined them on the floor, stopping short of sprawling flat on his stomach. Instead, he sat like Dani, but it was close enough to a vote of solidarity for the tiny tot. Maya reluctantly righted herself and leaned against Jake’s thigh. He stroked her back with one of his big hands, his long, strong fingers splaying wide across her little torso.
They just sat there, the three of them. After a few minutes, Jake passed the plate over, offering Dani the other cookie. She broke it in half and he took his piece, not quite looking at her.
When one of Maya’s friends arrived, she sprinted to the front door to give the other girl a hug. For a second, Dani thought Jake might say something. He didn’t. Instead he slowly unwound his long limbs and shoved off the ground. She watched him stop at the coolers by the back door, grab a bottle of beer, and disappear onto the back porch.
Ryan had fought his in-laws over hosting the wake at their house. He lived just up the lane from them, but their home was larger. He wanted the kids to be able to escape to their rooms if they needed to, but when Dani and her brother Tom offered to take the kids home if they wanted, whenever they wanted, Ryan gave in.
The Fenich home was gorgeous. Jake had actually helped build it with Mike Fenich, Lynn’s father. Dani was reminded again how close Jake was to the entire Fenich family, and how awful this loss must be for him. Two weeks earlier, the day of the shooting, they’d driven Olivia the four-hour drive south to London, where Rafe had been airlifted for surgery. They’d stayed one night, taking shifts with Olivia at the hospital, and once they knew Rafe was stable but not too keen on visitors, they’d left Olivia there and driven home.
Th
at was the first time Dani and Jake had been alone together in a car—or anywhere for more than a few minutes—in five years. Under any other circumstances, she might have found that awkward after wanting him for so long. That day they’d been too tired and sad to care. They hadn’t talked much until they arrived in Wiarton, where Jake had left his truck at the hospital. But when she parked, he didn’t get out. Instead, he stared out the window for a minute before quietly telling her a couple of random stories about Lynn in high school.
And that was it. She’d listened, then he left. She hadn’t seen him since, and she’d been looking. Olivia finally told her that he’d gone hunting up north.
Hoping for more of a connection with him was foolish. She needed to let go of her girly crush. And sometimes she succeeded—she’d dated since college, and when she was with someone else, she managed to lock Jake away in a memory box and pretend she didn’t know that he used to have a thing for her. Forget that your brother’s friend is a dirty old man who likes the way your hips look in blue jeans. The problem was that he may have been able to forget her, but Dani had never met anyone who could light her on fire the way Jake had that night.
God, she was pathetic, hanging on to a handful of words that meant nothing. So he’d gotten a hard-on for a pretty coed. That should be a turn-off, if anything. But it hadn’t felt dirty, no matter what he said. The way he’d looked at her had felt special. No, it had been special, because for all the frogs—and just regular Joes—she’d kissed since, none of them had looked at her like that. Like she was precious beyond measure.
Except he hadn’t looked at her like that again, not once in five years. Not when her brother was shot. Not at countless dances and bonfires, community events or holiday parties. He’d had literally hundreds of opportunities to make a move, and he never had. Never would.
More tears threatened to fall, selfish ones this time, and she had no clue where Maya was. She needed to get a grip and shake it off.
She found the toddler asleep on a chair, still holding on to that cookie. She picked her up, made eye contact with Ryan, and pointed to the door. He nodded, and she tapped Tom on the shoulder on her way out.
Her coat was big enough to wrap around them both, and up at Ryan’s house, the lights were already on. Inside she found Derna and Mona from the church tidying the kitchen.
She climbed the stairs to Ryan’s room and lay the little girl down in the middle of his bed. He’d warned Dani not to put her in her own room, because she’d been having nightmares and was crying out for him in the middle of the night anyway. The boys ended up in there as well, he’d said. Dani stood in the doorway and took in the room. The closet full of Lynn’s clothes, her picture on Ryan’s side table. Her jewellery box overflowing on the top of her dresser. Dani finally gave in to the tears she’d been fighting all day and sank to her knees, great big silent sobs wracking her shoulders.
Once she pulled herself together and splashed some water on her face, she made a firm resolution. Life wasn’t fucking fair, and a stupid crush was such a pathetic problem to have. She was officially done feeling sorry for herself. Jake Foster didn’t own a part of her heart any longer. She was a grown woman, looking for a man who wanted to love her. And all of her feelings would be poured in that direction, nowhere else.
Downstairs, she accepted a cup of tea from Mona.
“Still busy down the road, love?” Derna asked, handing over a plate of cookies she didn’t need.
Dani took two and nodded.
“You okay here on your own with the little one? We’re almost done here. Did some vacuuming. Stocked the cupboards. It was a good chance to do it. Ryan hasn’t wanted any help.”
“I’ll be fine, thank you. Tom will be along soon with the boys. And one of us will stay overnight if Ryan lets us.” Although he wouldn’t. And she didn’t blame him. His kids didn’t need all those sympathetic adult eyes on them as they grieved.
Her brother showed up a few minutes later, and had Gavin and Jack upstairs and brushing their teeth with imaginary chocolate sauce in record time. Tom was a park ranger and a born entertainer.
Ryan followed along within the hour. When he came in, he went straight for the bottle of scotch in the kitchen cupboard.
Dani stood in the doorway. On the one hand, the man had just buried his wife. Fuck it. On the other…he was going to kick them out soon and be the sole caregiver to three young children. All of whom would probably sleep next to him. The paramedic in her couldn’t stay silent.
“How many drinks have you had?” She gave him a small smile and sat across the table from him. No judgement, I promise. “I don’t care if you want to get tanked tonight. But if you do, let me stay, okay? I’ll sleep with Maya in her room.”
He just stared at her for a minute, but it was more of a stare through her. “I didn’t have anything earlier,” he finally muttered. “This is my one and only drink for the night.”
“It would be understandable—“
He laughed, and it was a cold, hard cut-off. “We took the same grief workshops, Dani. We’ve seen this how many times? I know. I know everything you’re going to say. And you know what? None of it matters inside my head right now. This is going to be the only drink I have tonight, but it’s sure as fuck not the only one I want.”
She nodded.
Tom’s footsteps sounded on the stairs, then he appeared in the doorway. “Boys are tucked in to their room with a movie on my iPad, but they were asking about crawling in with Maya. I didn’t know…”
Ryan sighed and tipped his glass, swirling the amber liquid around. “Yeah, I’ll go up in a minute. Thanks for keeping an eye on them today.”
“Do you need anything else brought over from the Fenichs’ place?” Tom asked.
“Nah.”
Dani watched her brother head for the door, but she didn’t get up yet. Ryan finished his drink and shoved his glass to the centre of the table.
“Captain says you’ve asked for an extended leave of absence from work.”
He made a noncommittal noise in the back of his throat.
“I don’t know what that means.”
He glared at the bottle of scotch, then shoved away from the table and stuck it back in the cupboard. “It means that I’m not ready to leave my kids with anyone overnight. Or even during the day. I want to be here to send them off to school and pick them up when they get off the bus.”
“I could help.”
“No.” He barked it out, but she didn’t flinch. They’d worked together for almost three years, and been partnered up for most of that. They’d clicked in part because Dani didn’t mind Ryan’s grouchiness. She’d grown up with three older brothers, two of whom could out-grouch Ryan any day of the week. Tom was the nice one. “I’m not—I can’t create a temporary routine for them like that with another woman. No offence.”
She offered a rueful smile. None taken. “I get it. I just want to do something to ease your burden.”
“Tell everyone to back off. That would help.”
“Kay. I’m on shift the next three days, but how about I come over for lunch mid-week? I’ll play dolls with Maya and you can take a nap or something.”
He swore under his breath and she grinned. “Sure, that sounds good.”
“I’m not going to stop worrying about you.”
He gave her a ghost of a smile. “You should head back down to the wake. There’s a ton of food.”
“Conversation’s over?”
“For now.”
They weren’t really huggers, but she gave him an awkward one-armed squeeze anyway.
He walked her to the door and mumbled his thanks. As soon as she stepped onto the deck, he locked the door behind her and turned out the kitchen light.
“He okay?” Jake’s voice drifted toward her from the dark and she closed her eyes.
“He will be. What are you doing out here?”
“Tom came back without you. It’s dark.”
She grumbled something under
her breath that she didn’t even understand herself, but as she got closer to him she realized it didn’t matter. He was drunk. His eyes were bright and his smile was sloppy. That he was smiling at all would have been her first clue. “You shouldn’t be stumbling around while intoxicated. It’s not safe.”
He shrugged and nodded his head down the lane. A car crawled toward them, some of the guests leaving. “Needed some air. You can see me back safely.”
A lazy snowflake fell from the sky, landing on her nose. She narrowed her eyes as she fell into step next to him. “I thought that’s what you were doing.”
“Mutually beneficial something or other.” His words had a slight slur to them, but he wasn’t stumbling at all. He walked with ease in a relatively straight line. But he was definitely too drunk to drive himself home.
“Come on, let’s find your brothers.”
“Matt and Sean just left.” He yawned. “Dean will be back in a bit. He just drove his girlfriend home.”
“The woman from Port Elgin?” That was more than an hour round trip. Dani sighed. “I’ll drive you home.”
“It’s fine. I don’t mind staying late and keeping Mike company.”
But inside they found the gathering winding down pretty quickly, and both Mike and Gloria Fenich looked like they were ready for bed. Dani pulled out her phone and texted Dean to find out his ETA.
Prop him up on the porch with a beer. I’ll be there in forty-five minutes.
She couldn’t do that. He’d come to find her in the dark. It was the least she could do to see him home safely. Snow’s coming. I’ll drive him home.
She said her goodbyes, then looked for Jake. She winced as she caught sight of him slowly pacing on the porch. The tight, pinchy feeling in her gut that she always got around him had returned. Damnit. Get over him, get over him, get over him. She took a deep breath and pushed herself back out into the cold. “Looks like I’m your ride tonight, come on.”
