Chapter 3
The day after Kon’s body had been found in an alley, a key arrived by messenger. Josh had gone straight to the P.O. box, needing to follow every clue. Inside had been a single letter, addressed to him from Kon. His hands had shaken as he’d stared down at the familiar handwriting scrawled across the outside of the envelope. It was Dmitry’s. In that moment, the full impact of the truth had slammed down on him. The only man he’d ever loved had murdered the only brother Josh would ever have. His grief had curdled into something indescribable, something he kept contained a little less every day.
The longer he’d stared down at the letter in his hand, the more the realization sank in. He couldn’t read it. It was too hard. In his heart, he’d known whatever hid inside the inconspicuous creamy white envelope would change him forever. Josh had gotten in his truck, driven to the nearest bank, and locked it inside a safety deposit box without ever breaking the Danshov family seal. That letter had lived in the back of his mind ever since. The what ifs had picked away at his brain, threatening his already questionable sanity. What if Kon had known he would die? What if whatever had gotten him killed was inside? What if? What if? What if?
Now Dmitry was here and Jozsua didn’t understand why or what he was after, but he knew it was time to open that letter. Knowing it was unavoidable wasn’t helping. He stared down at the expensive creamy envelope, and his hands shook every bit as hard as they did the first time he’d seen it. An image of Dmitry floated through his mind. Josh cracked the seal. The letter slipped silently into his hand as if it had been patiently waiting. Josh’s head spun, making him realize he’d been holding his breath as he unfolded the paper. Seeing his brother’s handwriting again, after all this time, caused every muscle in Josh’s body to seize.
Tornado,
Josh’s eyes welled with tears as he read the nickname Kon had given him as a child. It was true. Josh had always possessed a hot temper and destructive nature, but Kon had always said it lovingly. Josh could almost hear it now. Damn. He missed his brother.
Tornado,
You’ll never know how sorry I am for always asking too much, taking more than my fair share. You had this beautiful life with Dmitry, and I asked you to care for what was mine, leaving everything you loved behind. You should’ve hated me for that. Why didn’t you hate me for that? Why didn’t you tell me no? Was it out of brotherly love? Do you ever resent me for it?
Josh’s gaze moved from the letter in his hand to the windshield. He didn’t see a thing. Kon spoke as if Dmitry had nothing to do with Josh’s decision—like Dmitry hadn’t demanded he run. Like Dmitry hadn’t been a snake in their midst. He couldn’t think about those days or he’d lose his mind. Dropping his chin, he went back to reading Kon’s letter.
My apology comes too late, I know. I also know it’ll seem like useless words in light of what I must ask of you now. Once again, I must be the selfish one, always stealing life from you. First, don’t let my Kipley fade away and stop living. With me gone, she’ll have to be the mother and the father to our Jade. She’ll need your strength.
Pain welled in Josh’s chest, making it impossible for him to breathe. The first tear rolled down his cheek. Josh was powerless against it. He’d known. Kon had known he would die. The question had always plagued the back of his mind. The proof was in his hands.
The second part of my favor will be the hardest for you to accept. You are loyal. Sometimes, too much so. But, at the end of the day, you love Dmitry. He matches your strength. Your ferocity. In my heart, I believe he loves you too. So, for me, you must forgive him this. Even if he comes to you with my blood still warm on his hands…
Josh balled the paper in his fist, incapable of reading another sentence. Fucking Kon. Not only had he known he would die, he knew Dmitry would be the one who pulled the trigger. Yet, he still asked this of Josh. Kon was right. It was too much. He demanded more than his fair share. How dare he attempt to steal Josh’s rage toward the man who’d betrayed him—who’d betrayed them all? The burst of anger passed as quickly as it came, replaced with a deep sadness nothing could fill. He flattened out the paper, doing his best to smooth away the wrinkles. These were the last words he had from his brother. Josh owed Kon enough to read them.
Even if he comes to you with my blood still warm on his hands, please know he begged me not to do this to you. He showed me pictures of Kip and her gorgeous belly swollen with our child and splotchy images of our daughter’s ultrasound. Those images haunt me every second of every day. Dmitry has yelled, pled, and threatened me with permanent disability, but—in the end—this is my choice.
Drops of water dampened the page between his hands. His tears soaked through the paper, smudging the ink. Years of pain, anger, and helplessness overtook Josh. He’d moved from place to place. Hidden his accent. Given up willingly or had stolen everything important to him and Kon had chosen this. No matter how the words blurred, Josh couldn’t stop staring at them, reading every single one. He had to know exactly how small and useless he truly was in the face of all the facts.
We knew this day would come. I know Kipley believes I’ve been setting up a new life for us. I have been, but it’s a life for the people I love the most. One I won’t be a part in. Someone has to take the fall for my many failures. I’ve held off the inevitable for as long as I can. One thing I will not do is cling to life and force the Danshovs to punish everyone I love for my ineptitude. So I’m taking the deal—my life in exchange for yours, Kipley’s, and Jade’s. Dmitry can attest none of you knew any details of my dealings while in the US. I don’t know if they believe Dmitry or if they fear him. Either way, I know he’ll never allow them to go back on this deal. My life is over. I will not have you go down with me.
For a moment, Josh hated Kon for leaving him with all this. Red coated his vision. He’d chosen to leave them behind. It didn’t matter he’d made the only choice he could. The fact that he’d escaped questioning by the authorities before being deported from the US meant nothing. The Danshovs wouldn’t risk the possibility of it happening twice. Kon had gotten caught. His name was tarnished. No trails back to the family—not ever. The rage coating Josh’s vision ebbed as Dmitry’s name continued to stare up at him from the page he held. Josh needed to know it all.
As much as Dmitry has fought me on this, I’m certain he now wants me dead. He swears you’ll never forgive him. Finding out he’d been hired to get the dirt on us was bad enough, but this, maybe he’s right. Maybe I expect too much. The thing is, we’re not normal, Jozsua. One day, I stepped out of a tattoo shop and into the path of the love of my life. It was as if she had been standing in the street just waiting for me. I latched on to the dream of Kipley with both hands and ended up destroying her life. She is beautiful and clean. She is a dream of normalcy and sinlessness—things I’ll never be. We were born in the dark, and only darkness can hold us. I was just a fool with a dream. So don’t walk into the street, Jozsua, expecting you’ll find a normal life. You can’t run from the one you have.
I’m sorry, Jozsua. It isn’t enough, I know. Please make sure my daughter knows I loved her even though we never met. Don’t be afraid to stand in a chair and scream it at the top of your lungs if she ever doesn’t believe it. Love hard, baby brother, as I have loved all of you.
—Kon
Josh stared into space for so long he lost track of time and where he was. It seemed he should have questions. He should want to track Dmitry down and ask him a million things. Instead, Josh was just tired. His whole life, every time he turned around, everything was a lie all over again. It was exhausting. He wasn’t sure he even had any fury left in him. Mostly, he just wanted to be still. Listen to music. Read a book. Have peace. There was a very real possibility that was exactly how Kon had felt. The only way he would ever know peace was in death. How sad for them all.
Blinking, Josh brought his surroundings back into focus. His gaze landed on G. Richards Bookstore. They had a coffee shop inside. Kip used to work there,
and Josh had been there many times. It was a peaceful place. People bought coffee, sat, and read. It seemed serendipitous that it should be right there. His feet carried him to the door as if on autopilot. As he moved to push the door open, he realized Kon’s letter was still gripped in his fist. After carefully folding it, Josh tucked into his front pocket before heading inside.
With a hot coffee in hand, he found a table in the corner and sat. The smell of books permeated his senses. He stared at his surroundings, still not seeing a thing. Maybe he’d finally broken or something had shut down? All he knew was—he didn’t want to talk to anyone or be anywhere. No place felt like home any longer. Nothing felt real. Back when Konstantin had lived stateside, they’d had a huge house in Texas. The place felt more like home than anywhere he’d lived before his father died, but never truly became his haven until Dmitry moved in. From that moment on, wherever they went was home because he was there. Since then, he’d been constantly sick to his stomach and drifting. Even the house Kon set up for them now didn’t seem permanent. If anything, he felt like he was under Kip and Cameron’s feet, and intruding on their life together. It was as if he no longer belonged anywhere or to anyone. He was alone in the world.
“What color is your hair naturally?”
Josh looked up from his coffee and blinked at McKenna standing over him. It was funny. For the longest time, everyone had pretended as if Josh was part of the background. Now, for no discernable reason, everyone was speaking to him. In this case, McKenna, the owner of the bookstore slash coffee shop where he currently sat, had spoken to him before on occasion. She wasn’t one to align herself with rumors and general opinion. He waited until she claimed the seat across from him before answering her question.
“I am blond.”
She nodded as if she suspected as much. “No wonder it holds the color so well. May I touch it?”
Josh hesitated, unsure of how to react.
“You may as well give in gracefully,” a man in a twenty-thousand-dollar suit said as he slid into the seat next to McKenna. McKenna lit up by a thousand notches at the man’s arrival. The way she snuggled against the man’s side had Josh fighting back a smile. Josh had seen him before but couldn’t recall his name. One thing he knew, it wasn’t her husband, but even Josh had to admit the man’s Italian accent was hard to resist.
“I’m not much on being touched.”
McKenna snorted.
The Italian shook his head. His perfectly styled dark hair didn’t move. It fascinated Josh. “She’ll only wait until you’re distracted and do as she pleases. I’m Asher, by the way.”
Josh dipped his chin. “Jozsua.” Josh winced as he heard his real name and thick accent slipping out. It was too late. McKenna’s gaze sharpened. Before she had time to ask any questions he couldn’t answer, he added, “Please call me Josh.” Leaning closer, he gave in to McKenna’s demands, hoping to distract her. “If it pleases you, then you may touch it.”
While giggling like a schoolgirl, McKenna accepted his offer. “I’m a writer,” she said as she ran her fingers through his hair. He hadn’t known that, but then again, Josh hadn’t bothered to care about much of anything. “I like the feel, smell, and taste of things,” she added. “It helps me to describe them.”
He hoped she never had a reason to depict him. “My hair would not taste good, I’m sure, but you are welcome to smell it.” He flashed a devilish grin her way before he could stop it from happening. “I promise to avert my gaze from your gorgeous cleavage when you move closer.”
A surprised-sounding burst of laughter escaped McKenna. “Another naughty male hanging out in my bookstore. It’s like Christmas come early.”
Asher chuckled. Even the man’s laugh was ridiculously exquisite. “Where are your spouses this morning?” Josh asked, bringing the flirtations to an end. McKenna’s husband was a fellow fighter. Josh respected him, and he didn’t feel that way about many people. That still didn’t mean he wanted to be friends, but he had some morals. Asher’s eyebrows rose in question. Josh nodded toward the man’s wedding band before he could ask.
“Ah,” Asher said. “I thought perhaps we’d met before. Whenever I see McKenna talking to a man your size, he’s usually from No Rival. The fighter community can be small at times. I’m usually better with faces, but I make mistakes.”
Josh shook his head. “For a while, I did fight the circuit, but when Kip settled here, so did I. Now I fight underground—like McKenna’s husband. The money is better.”
“If you don’t die,” Asher said, proving he’d seen an underground match.
“There’s that,” Josh agreed.
Asher had a kind smile. He kept using it against Josh. “You said you settled here when Kip did. Are you a relation?”
“He’s Jade’s—”
“I’m Kip’s brother,” Josh said, interrupting McKenna before she made things awkward. McKenna’s mouth fell open. Something about her surprise loosened his lips. “Soon after she learned she was pregnant with my niece, her husband unexpectedly passed away. Understandably, she needed a steadier life than traveling the circuit. She stayed with Brian and Terry until I got settled here.”
McKenna shook her head, looking sad. “She never said a word. Like everyone else, I just assumed…”
Josh waved off her words before she could say anything to keep the rumors of him being Jade’s father alive. After all, it wasn’t as if anyone would believe the truth if they said it, but they needed new gossip to take root if Kip planned to keep both Cameron and Josh around. Plus, for Jade’s sake, she needed to be able to openly claim Josh as her uncle. “You know Kip. She keeps things to herself. They were married for a long time and were very much in love. Actually, it could be quite sickening to watch at times. Anyhow, the grief was too much for her to share. Terry and Brian knew, of course, but she swore them to secrecy. She didn’t want everyone’s pity making her loss harder to bear.”
Josh shook his head, feeling more honest than he had in a long time as he added, “Death does funny things to those left behind. Kip was willing to let people believe whatever as long as she didn’t have to say the words. Sometimes simply shaping the syllables of someone’s passing is the hardest thing in the world.” Smiling, Josh tried to ease the heaviness of their topic. “Loving Cameron has eased her willingness to speak of it.”
“Awwww,” McKenna said. Her eyes welled with tears. “I still wish she’d said something. My first husband passed too young also.”
A smile tugged at the corners of Josh’s mouth. “She’s a stubborn ass. No matter how I cajoled, she wouldn’t open up to her friends. I’m just as bad. I don’t like anyone enough to disabuse their beliefs that I’m a no-good bastard who dumped Kip when she needed me most.” He paused as a hint of sadness crept into his heart. “Then again, maybe I am that person.” But not for the reasons people believed. He tried shaking it off. “Anyhow, things are different for her now that she has Cameron. He’s changed her.”
McKenna’s face lit. “I’m glad to hear it. I never see either of them anymore. Do you know how they’re doing?”
Josh couldn’t stop switching his attention between the pair sitting across from him. Even though Asher continued to hold his silence, it was obvious McKenna hadn’t forgotten his presence at her side. Every few seconds, she would brush her cheek against his shoulder as if she couldn’t resist. Asher drank his coffee, completely unconcerned.
“I do,” Josh said, answering her question. “Kip, Jade, and Cameron have all come to live with me at our family’s ranch. It’s about an hour’s drive outside the city. Jade has a pony now and is learning to ride. She’s very happy and spoiled.” As always when he spoke of Jade, Josh’s pride shone through.
“You know, I’ve always thought Jade looks more like you than Kip. I always thought it was because…well, you know.”
An unexpected smile exploded across his face. “She looks exactly like my brother.” Horror crashed over Josh as he realized what he’d said.
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br /> “There’s a brother too?”
Josh cast a desperate look around, searching for a way out. His gaze landed on a familiar figure sitting two tables over. Piercing blue eyes were fixed upon Josh, making him wonder how he hadn’t felt Dmitry’s stare. “He’s passed as well,” Josh explained, sounding distracted even to his ears. “Please excuse me. I have to speak with someone.” Josh pushed to his feet and headed for Dmitry. The man held Josh’s stare as Josh moved in his direction. Josh’s mouth went dry. His heart beat faster with every step he took in Dmitry’s direction.
“I’m finding you everywhere these days,” Josh said the instant he reached Dmitry’s side.
“You’ve chosen to notice me again. I’ve always been here… waiting.”
Kon’s letter burned a hole in Josh’s pocket. Dmitry’s gorgeous stare was too much. His brother was right. Even from the grave, Kon always knew best—they weren’t normal. There would never be a day when Josh would meet someone on the street and fall in love—live happily-ever-after. He’d seen the underbelly of reality—been tainted from birth. Normal had never been in the cards. Not to mention, even if he met someone, there’d always be this man right here, as he’d said, waiting.
“Is this seat taken?” Josh asked, motioning toward the chair across from Dmitry.
“No.” Dmitry sounded sad. Was this what had become of them? Would it always be this way? They were incapable of staying away yet unable to find a middle ground.
Josh sat. His gaze dropped to Dmitry’s forearm. A rosary tattoo stared up at him. He hadn’t noticed it before now. Until today, Dmitry had kept his arms covered with the expensive suits he knew Josh loved. Today’s polo matched Dmitry’s eyes and exposed some of the man’s glorious ink. Without thought, Josh traced the tattoo’s lines with the tip of his finger. Dmitry dutifully turned his arm over, allowing Josh access to the entire piece. He froze when he reached his name tattooed inside Dmitry’s wrist. The font matched the tattoo Dmitry had on his side of Jozsua’s name.
Uncaged (No Rival Book 7) Page 4
