But I really couldn’t remember that I’d dreamed. “Wait—” I began, then broke into a paroxysm of coughing, which succeeded in drawing even more smoke into my lungs. The world coalesced into a tiny pinpoint of existence, then burst into a vast array of fragmented awareness. I felt parts of my body, my mind breaking apart, spinning away. “Wait—”
Oziri laughed. “The gods are not gentle to unbelievers, especially those who repudiate their gifts.”
I could barely see, could barely hang onto my senses. “You told me to trust you.”
His eyes were like a dagger. His words opened my vitals. “I said I would see you safely through. I did not say it would be a painless journey.”
I reached toward the sword. Then memory stirred. Stopped me.
Oziri was right: I had dreamed last night.
“I remember,” I blurted, startled. “I—”
—remember.
And then forgot everything, including my name.
Del’s face, when she dances—or even when she spars—wears one of two expressions: fierce determination or an oddly relaxed focus. The former comes from a true challenge, to prove herself and win; the latter from the knowledge that she will win, so the point is to refine her skill. Opponents and enemies have witnessed both. So have I.
But this time, for the first time, I saw fear.
We were yet again in the common area of the Vashni encampment, pretending a portion of it was a circle. After two more hard engagements Del stumbled back, regained her footing and balance, blocked my blow. Steel clashed. She was breathing hard. “Let’s stop.”
I repeated the series of maneuvers, pushing her harder. Waiting for her body to fail.
She blocked me again and again, frowning. “Stop.”
I tried a new angle. Blades met, scraped, screeched.
Her teeth were bared in a brief rictus of sheer effort. The exhaustion was obvious, and oddly exhilarating. “—stop—”
Over the locked blades I looked into her widening eyes. I shook my head, on the verge of laughing joyously. “You can’t win by quitting.”
This time there was no determination. No relaxation. Not even fear. Just astonishment.
“Come on,” I jeered. “We haven’t even begun.”
Something flickered in her eyes. Then her mouth went flat and hard.
Laughing, I expected her to renew the match. Instead, Del pushed forward briefly, released her sword entirely, threw both splayed hands into the air and took three strides backward as the blade fell. The expression now was anger.
It wasn’t surrender. She didn’t yield. It was—cessation. And it left me standing in the middle of a circle I’d drawn in the Vashni common, clutching my sword while hers lay at my feet.
I arched my brows. “Afraid, bascha?”
She was sucking air audibly. The single braid had loosened itself, strands straggling around her face. She was ice and sunlight, and much too tough to melt. “What,” she panted, “is wrong with you?”
“You asked me to spar with you.”
She managed one word. “Spar.”
I shrugged. “You’ve always preferred a challenge to mere practice. Let’s not waste our time.”
Hands went to her hips and rested there as her breathing slowed. “That wasn’t sparring. That was anger, Tiger.”
I shook my head. “I’m not angry.”
“Angry,” she declared. “And bitter.”
“You’re imagining things.” I bent, picked up her sword. “Let’s go again.”
Del shook her head with slow deliberation.
“Afraid, bascha?” I smiled, tossed the blade. “Catch.”
She made no attempt to do so. She merely stepped back and let it fall into the sand. Sunlight flashed.
“That,” I said severely, “is no way to treat a good blade.”
Winter descended. “Nor is your behavior any way to treat me.”
“Oh, come on, Del! This is how it is. You work your body, work your mind, challenge everything about yourself, until the weakness is gone. It isn’t easy, no, but it’s the best way. I’ve spent months doing it—can’t you at least invest a few days?”
Del bent, retrieved her sword, turned on her heel and walked away.
“Hey. Hey!” In several long strides I reached her. Reached for her. “Don’t turn your back on me—”
Del spun. I saw the blade flash even as my own came up. They met at neck level. My blade was against steel. Hers was against my throat.
She tilted her head slightly in an odd, slow, sideways movement almost like a cat preparing to leap. But there was no leap. She stood her ground. “Angry,” she said very softly. “Bitter. And vicious.”
I blurted a laugh of incredulity. “Vicious!”
“And afraid.”
Laughter stopped. “I’m not—”
“What did he do to you?”
“No one has—”
Her low voice nonetheless overrode my own. “What did he do to you?”
I smiled. “You really don’t like to lose, do you?”
She made no reply. Just stared. Examined. Evaluated. I saw a series of expressions in her eyes and face, but none I could name. They came and went too quickly: the faintest of ripples in her flesh, a shifting in her eyes. Nearly nonexistent.
Delilah asked, “What did he say to you to make you so afraid?”
I denied her an answer. I took a step backward, breaking contact with her blade, and lowered my own. “Go,” I told her. “We’re done for the day. If you aren’t willing to do what it takes, I don’t want to bother.”
A multitude of replies crowded her eyes. She made none of them.
I watched her walk away. The anger, the bitterness drained away. I felt oddly empty.
Empty. And afraid.
“Stop it,” she said. “Stop it, Tiger!”
I said nothing. Did nothing. The voice was very distant. I could ignore it. Did.
“Tig—oh, hoolies,” she muttered, and then a hand cracked me hard across the face.
She is a strong woman, and the blow was heartfelt. I came back to awareness abruptly, catching her wrist. Realized I sat in the hyort we shared. I blinked at her, shocked. “What was that for?”
“To bring you back.”
“Bring me back from where?”
“From the dream.”
“I was dreaming?”
“Not now,” she said. “You were awake. But—away. As if you returned to something you’d already experienced.” She indicated her head. “Inside.”
I felt disoriented. Detached. “I don’t understand.”
She knelt next to me. Desperation edged her tone. “You have to stop this. This dream-walking.”
I frowned, baffled. “Why?”
Del pulled her wrist out of my hand. “Because it’s changing you.”
“Changing me! How?” I noticed then that it was nearing sundown. I couldn’t remember where the day had gone. “I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
“Five days ago you went to Oziri’s tent after we sparred, and since then you’ve been—different.”
I frowned. “I know you think I’m angry, but I’m not.”
“I didn’t say you were angry. I said you were different.”
“And bitter, you said. Vicious, even. Just because you can’t match me in the circle.”
Lines creased her brow. “What are you talking about?”
“The match earlier today. You were losing. You got angry. You quit on me, Del. You threw down your sword and walked away.”
Astonishment was manifest. “I have never walked away from a match in my life!”
“Earlier today,” I insisted. How could she have forgotten?
Del recoiled. Pale brows knit together. I saw surprise and worry. “But we didn’t…” She changed direction. “Was that your dream?”
“It wasn’t a dream, bascha.”
She shook her head slowly, as if trying to work out a multitude of thoughts. “There was
no match earlier.” Almost absently, she added, “Something’s wrong. Something inside you.”
I found it preposterous. “Del—”
She overrode me. “We haven’t sparred since that first time, Tiger. Five days ago. That’s the only time we’ve sparred. Five days ago. Two days after you got here.”
I gritted my teeth, verging on frustration. “Earlier today,” I repeated. “We had an argument in the circle, as we sparred. You quit on me.”
Del sat back, putting distance between us. Astonishment had faded. Now she stared. Examined me. Evaluated. Comprehension crept into her eyes. “Tiger… we need to leave this place. We need to go.”
“Oziri says—”
“I don’t care what Oziri says!” She lowered her voice with a glance at the open doorflap. “We have to leave. Tomorrow, first thing.”
“You’re not ready to leave, bascha. You need to rest.”
“You need to get away from here,” she countered. “And I’ve rested enough. Trust me.”
Oziri had said that. Trust me. “There are still things I have to do,” I explained. “Things I need to learn. Oziri says—”
Del pronounced an expletive concerning Oziri that nearly made my ears roll up. With crisp efficiency she began to gather up her belongings. “We’re going. Tomorrow.”
“I’m not done learning what I need to know. I realize it’s difficult for you to understand, but there are things about me that are—different. Things—”
“Yes! Different! Wrong. That’s my whole point.” Del stopped packing. She moved close, sat on her heels, reached up to trap my head in her hands. The heels cradled my temples. “Listen to me, Tiger. To me, not to the things Oziri has put in your head. Or to what you believe happened.” Her eyes caught my own and held them. “You’re right: I don’t understand this dream-walking. But what I do know is that it’s changing you. You spend most of each day inside your own head. You don’t hear anything I say. You answer no questions. You don’t even acknowledge I’m present. It’s as though your body’s here, but your mind is somewhere else. And what you’ve just told me, this conviction we sparred earlier today—you’re confusing reality with what’s in your mind. With the dreams. You have to stop.”
“I have to learn how to control it, bascha.”
Del leaned forward. Our foreheads met. Her skin was smooth, cool. “Let it go,” she murmured. “Let it go, Tiger. It’s Vashni magic.”
“It’s just another tool—”
“Magic,” she repeated, “and you know how you hate magic.”
“If I don’t learn to control it, it will control me.”
She released my head, ran one supple, callused hand through my hair, almost as if I were a muddled child in need of soothing. “It’s controlling you now, Tiger. Every time you go inside yourself.”
“It’s just stillness,” I told her. “It’s like ioSkandic discipline. What happened to me atop the spire, in the Stone Forest…” I shrugged. “Well, you know.”
Del’s hands fell away. “I don’t know what happened to you atop the spire,” she said. “You’ve never told me.”
My brows lifted. “You were there with me.”
“No.”
“Del, you were. I saw you. I dreamed you, and you came.” And put the jivatma scar back into my abdomen, after Sahdri had lifted it.
The color ran out of her face. “No, Tiger. I was never in Meteiera. I never saw the Stone Forest. I stayed in Skandi until Prima Rhannet’s ship sailed.” Something flinched in her eyes. “We all thought you were dead.”
“You were there, Del. I remember it clearly.” So very clearly. I was naked. Alone. Bereft of everything I’d known of myself, whelped again atop the rock. Until she came. “You were there.”
Del shook her head.
“You’re forgetting things,” I told her, beginning to worry. “What happened in Meteiera a few weeks ago, and the sparring match earlier today. Maybe if you talked with Oziri—”
“No.” Her tone was certainty followed by puzzlement. “Tiger, we left Skandi months ago. Not weeks. And we sparred five days ago. Not since. Certainly not this morning.”
I opened my mouth to refute the claim, but she sealed it closed with cool fingers.
“Listen to me.” Her eyes searched mine. “Trust me.”
I had trusted this woman with my life more times than I could count. I was troubled that she could be so terribly confused, but I nodded. I owed her that much.
“I need to go,” she said. “I need to leave. Will you come with me?”
“Why do you need to leave? You’re safe here. You’re the Oracle’s sister. They’d never harm you.”
“I need to leave,” she repeated. “I promised Neesha we’d meet him.”
It took me a moment to remember the kid. Then I frowned. “You don’t owe him anything.”
Her voice hardened. “I owe him my life, Tiger. And so do you.”
“Maybe so, but—”
“It’s time for me to leave,” she said. “Will you come with me?”
“Del—”
“Please, Tiger. I need you.”
The desire to refuse, to insist she stay with me, was strong. I felt its tug, its power. Leaned into it a moment, tempted. I owed a debt to the Vashni for tending her, and Oziri had much to teach me. But I owed a greater debt to the kid for keeping her alive so she could be tended.
She’d said she needed me. That was very unlike Del. Something serious was wrong with her.
With her. Not with me.
I nodded. “All right, bascha. We’ll go.”
Del averted her head abruptly and returned to packing. But not before I saw profound relief and the sheen of tears in her eyes.
TWENTY-TWO
THE STUD, for some reason, didn’t want me near him. I found it decidedly odd; he can be full of himself and recalcitrant, but not generally difficult to catch and bridle. When I finally did manage both, I noted the rolling eye and pinned ears. He quivered from tension, from something akin to fear, until Del came out to saddle the gelding. Then he quieted.
“He knows, too,” she said.
I tossed blankets up on the stud’s back. “Knows what?”
“That things are not right.”
I had no time for oblique comments and obscure conversations. I had agreed to go, but I regretted it. “Things are what they are.”
“For now,” she murmured, and turned her full attention to the gelding.
Annoyed, I did the same with the stud. We finished preparations in stiff, icy silence.
It wasn’t until Del and I had made our carefully courteous farewells to the chieftain and actually mounted our horses that Oziri appeared. I heard Del’s hissed inhalation and murmured curse as she saw him walking toward us. I reined in the stud and waited. I could feel Del’s tension. It was a tangible thing even across the distance between the two horses.
I had seen and heard him laugh. He was a man like any other, given perhaps to more dignity because of his rank but equally prone to expressing his opinion in dry commentary. But as he approached, I saw he wore no smile. His eyes, lighter than most Vashni’s, were fastened on Del.
Yet when he arrived at my stirrup, the sternness vanished. “So, you have learned all there is to know about dream-walking. I am amazed; it takes most men tens of years to do so.”
I tilted my head in Del’s direction. “This is for her. There’s an errand we must do. A matter of a debt.”
Irony. “Ah. Of course. All debts must be paid.”
The stud shifted restlessly, bobbing his head. He watched Oziri sidelong, pinning his ears, then flicking them at the sound of my voice.
“It’s easier for me now,” I told Oziri. “As you said, the herbs aren’t necessary. It’s just a matter of discipline and stillness.” I shrugged off-handedly. “There’s much left to learn—but it’s a beginning.”
“Beginnings,” Oziri said, “may be dangerous.”
I laughed. “More so than endings?”
/> The Vashni didn’t smile. He reached to his neck, lifted a bone necklet over his head, and offered it. “This will guide you,” he told me. “Wear it in honor.”
On horseback I was too tall, even bending, for him to slip it over my head. So I took the necklet into my hands, noticed the meticulously patterned windings of the wire holding the necklet together, and put it over my head. Human bones rattled against sandtiger claws.
I opened my mouth to thank him but was distracted when Del’s white gelding, painted and tasseled, sidestepped into me. The toe of her sandal collided with my shin bone. When I glanced at her, annoyed, she had the grace to apologize. But her eyes were not so abashed, and they were very watchful. Almost as if she’d done it purposely.
I shot her a quelling glance, then turned back to the warrior. “We’ll be back this way.”
Oziri smiled, looked at Del on the far side of me. “Yes.” Then he dipped his head in eloquent salute. “May the sun shine on your head, Oracle’s sister.”
I glanced at Del, expecting her to reply. But something in her eyes said she would not return the courtesy. I was appalled. She was the one who’d been warning me about rudeness and the possible consequences.
Then something shifted in her posture. Tension departed. She inclined her head briefly, wished him the same.
As she rode away, I muttered an aside to Oziri. “Women.”
But the Vashni didn’t smile. Didn’t laugh. Didn’t agree. After a moment I knew he wouldn’t. Somewhat nonplussed, I turned the stud, saw Del ahead, waiting, and rode up to join her.
A strange thing: her eyes were anxious. But it faded as I reined the stud in and gestured her to go ahead down the narrow thread of a trail Vashni hunters used. She murmured a Northern prayer of thanksgiving I found utterly incongruous, and took the lead.
From the Vashni encampment it was a long day’s ride to Julah, and Del wasn’t up to it. She said nothing, simply straightened her shoulders from time to time and kept riding, but I could tell she was exhausted. When we came across an acceptable place to spend the night, I called a halt. We had water enough in botas for ourselves and the horses, and though there was no grazing, we also packed grain. Thin pickings for the gelding and the stud, but we’d make Julah easily the next day. I figured we’d stay overnight, then head out toward Umir’s.
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