Up on the Roof

by A. L. Brooks

  Lena laughed in delight. “I’m so pleased.”

  “God,” Megan said, “the things Anna’s having to deal with. Suddenly taking on two kids who’ve lost their parents. I couldn’t do it.” She shook her head.

  “Me neither.”

  “Do you ever want children?”

  Lena shrugged. “I’m not sure. I’m really excited for Madhu and Jay having their baby, but the idea of having my own seems…daunting. But maybe that’s more because I’m single. What about you?”

  “I think I’d like to be a parent, but I don’t want to give birth.” She shuddered, and Lena chuckled. “I love looking after Callum’s two whenever I babysit them. Although,” she said, shaking her head, “I’m not such a big fan of theirs right now, as I’m pretty sure it’s one of those little shits that gave me these germs.”

  Lena laughed. “Probably, unfortunately. I suppose I ought to be grateful that for whatever reason, I haven’t got it too.”

  They ate the soup together, discussing the book and key moments in it that Megan had read thus far.

  “I’ve never done this,” Megan said, after they’d finished eating.

  “What?”

  “Discussed a book with someone.”

  “Oh.”

  “I like it.”

  “Me too.”

  They smiled shyly at each other.

  Chapter 19

  “What do you mean, there’s another delay?” Lena’s voice rose to screech level.

  Mr Patel raised his hands, palms outwards. “Miss Shah, the rafters are completely gone. We did hope we could replace the ones that came down in the storm, but it’s impossible. As we suspected from the start, we need to take the whole roof off and replace it.”

  Lena closed her eyes for a moment. It wasn’t Mr Patel’s fault, but she had no one else to take her frustration out on. When she opened her eyes again, Mr Patel was staring at her, his eyes wide and his entire body braced as if for impact. Having been on the receiving end of two blistering attacks by Lena over the past few weeks, he was clearly prepared to face another. He was a tall, thin man, completely unlike the shape of any builder she’d ever seen before, but it had become rapidly clear that it was his brother who did the physical work, while this Mr Patel focused on project management. And making grovelling apologies to clients.

  “How much time does it add to the project?” Lena asked, her voice sounding considerably calmer than she felt inside.

  Mr Patel waggled his hands in that infuriating manner Lena had come to despise. “Two, maybe three weeks. It depends when we can get the timber…” His voice trailed off as Lena’s eyebrows rose, and he took a step backwards.

  It took the utmost effort to rein in her gut response to his words, and instead, through gritted teeth, she said, “Well, thank you for letting me know.” She turned abruptly and walked out of the main front door, almost colliding with Sanjit who was stepping into the house with a large roll of tarpaulin on his shoulder.

  “Morning,” he said, smiling brightly and revealing his extraordinarily crooked teeth.

  Lena tutted and strode off down the path to the front gate, her overnight bag gripped tightly in her left hand. As she stomped up the road, she tried to deepen her breathing, expanding her inhalations and taking her time on her exhalations. Her heart rate had risen to ridiculous levels at Mr Patel’s news, and she knew there were two sides to her anxiety over the delay. Firstly, because it meant more time living in someone else’s flat. And secondly, it meant more time being too close to Megan and all the confusing feelings that her proximity engendered.

  It was now Saturday, December 30, and she was on her way to Madhu’s for the New Year weekend. Lena was part sad, part glad to be putting some distance, even for three days, between herself and Megan. While everything they had shared from Christmas Day onwards had been some of the happiest times Lena could remember in the past year or so, her natural tendency to be pessimistic had nagged at her the past couple of days. Megan was on the mend, and Lena hadn’t needed to look after her anymore. She missed having such a good reason to be so close to Megan, and at the same time, worried that she was letting herself feel things for Megan that weren’t, or couldn’t be, reciprocated.

  She swiped her Oyster card at the barrier and trotted down the escalator to the platform. The indicator board informed her that she only had two minutes to wait for a train north to Euston, so she put her bag down by her feet and rolled her neck and shoulders a few times to ease out some of the tension that her chat with Mr Patel had only escalated further.

  Lena couldn’t wait to see Madhu. It had been weeks since her sister’s visit to London, and although they had eventually talked—briefly—on the phone on Boxing Day, Lena was looking forward to hearing all about the progress of her sister’s pregnancy and, she had to admit, to talking to her about what was or wasn’t happening between Lena and Megan.

  It wasn’t clear at all what, if anything, was going on, and that was part of the trouble. Lena wasn’t an expert in reading signals and knowing if a woman was interested in her or not, but even so, whatever this was that she was sharing with Megan was awfully confusing.

  She sighed. The biggest problem, of course, was how scared she was of opening herself up to someone again. Of taking a risk with her heart. It was much safer to be single, to retreat into her books where everything always worked out and the women there always got their happy ever afters.

  The Tube train whooshed into the platform, and she stepped aboard. She walked gingerly past a few people to one of the centre seats and placed her bag between her feet once she’d sat down. She immediately pulled her book out of her handbag; distraction therapy, she knew, but it was all she could handle right now.

  “Shit, I forgot to get limes.” Megan closed the fridge and stood up.

  “No worries, I’ll nick a few from the bar tonight. Carla won’t notice.” Jen smiled and patted Megan on the back. “Just chill.”

  “Cool. Thanks.”

  “No worries.” Jen moved away and grabbed the kettle from its mooring. “Tea?”

  “Yeah, why not. I could do with a break.”

  When Jen had made their mugs of tea, they slouched on the sofa with a music channel on the TV in the background.

  “So, are you really fit enough for this tomorrow?” Jen asked after a moment.

  Megan shrugged. “I’m good enough, I reckon. Still not one hundred per cent, but I’ve still got one more night of sleep to get more of it out of my system.”

  “Well, you know you don’t have to go crazy—our crowd doesn’t need you standing on ceremony, even if it is New Year’s Eve.”

  “I know. Don’t worry, I’ll be careful. I don’t want to miss my own party because I suddenly have a bloody relapse or something. So, what time did you say you can get away tomorrow?” Megan asked. She blew on her tea before daring to take a sip. It burned, as expected.

  “I’m hoping eleven. I did a deal with Carla that I’d pull the lunchtime shift and do all the restocking through the afternoon if she let me go bang on, or even before, eleven. She managed to get her sister to agree to come in for a couple of hours to see them through the midnight rush.”

  “Cool.”

  “Yeah, but Carla knows she owes me so much for this year, and she knows I wouldn’t ask lightly.”

  “It’s awesome that you’ll be at the party for midnight. I’d like to see the new year in with my bestie.”

  She and Jen shared a fist bump.

  “So, Lena took off for the weekend, huh?” Jen’s eyes twinkled over the top of her mug. “Still not up for one of your parties?”

  Megan shook her head, sadness washing over her at Lena’s absence. She’d left that morning, before Megan got up.

  “Yep. I thought after how well Christmas Day went that this time she might be up for it. But then, I know she hasn’t seen h
er sister in a while, so it makes sense she’d go up there for the long weekend.”

  “Yeah, true. Sooo, has anything more happened on the whole kissing-your-flatmate thing?” Jen smirked, then laughed outright as Megan blushed.

  “You know, I wish I’d never told you that,” Megan mumbled.

  Jen snorted. “Yeah, big mistake.” She flinched when Megan glared at her. “Okay, okay. Sorry. Look, you want to talk about it? Seriously, I mean.”

  Megan shrugged. “What’s there to talk about? So we kissed each other on the cheek. Doesn’t mean anything.” She looked away, knowing that for her, at least, that last statement wasn’t true. Especially after how…cared for Lena had made her feel these past few days.

  “Hey,” Jen said softly, her hand tugging on Megan’s arm to pull her back round to face her. “Do you want it to?”

  Megan stared at Jen. She had a distinct choice here in this moment. Laugh it off and keep it all a secret, or dare the truth and see what advice her friend could give her. While Jen passed herself off as a player, Megan knew underneath it all Jen wanted what she did: to meet that someone special to spend a lot of wonderful time with. When push came to shove, Jen would support her, and help her, and be there for her.

  “I-I do,” Megan replied, finally daring to meet Jen’s eyes. “I really like her, Jen.”

  Jen smiled and nodded. “Yeah, I was starting to get that impression, but I didn’t want to say anything outright in case I spooked you.” She paused. “So what are you going to do about it?”

  “I have no idea.” Megan rubbed her face in frustration. “I mean, the kiss on Christmas Day was sweet, and the way she’s taken care of me this week has been lovely. But it’s not like I get any clear signals from her that she’d want more than being friends and flatmates.”

  Jen raised her eyebrows.

  “Yeah, okay, I’m not giving her clear signals either,” Megan said quietly.

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m scared.” It was easier to admit than she would have thought.

  “Of?”

  “The usual.” She huffed out a breath. “Thinking I’m not attractive enough for her. Thinking that someone as smart as her wouldn’t be interested in someone like me.”

  Jen was shaking her head. “Megs, you’re a gorgeous woman. If we weren’t such lifelong friends, I’d do you.”

  “Ew.” Megan grimaced then snorted with laughter when Jen looked affronted. “All right. Thanks, I think.”

  “Too right,” Jen said, giving Megan her stink eye. “But seriously, you are gorgeous. Plus you’re pretty smart too, and generous, and caring. You have a lot to offer someone. And I don’t think Lena is out of your league, if that’s what you’re thinking. And I think she might be at least a bit interested. I’ve seen her look at you a couple of times that had me wondering if there was more than friendship on her mind.”

  “Really?” Megan’s pulse jumped at the thought.

  “Really. So, in my humble opinion, you need to just get on and ask her out.”

  Megan swallowed. “Ask her out?” she squeaked.

  Jen nodded. “Yup. Ask. Her. Out.” She lightly punched Megan in the arm. “You’re a big, butch girl, you can handle it.”

  Megan buried her head in her hands.

  “More?” Madhu asked, pushing the plate of chicken in Lena’s direction.

  “No, I’m full,” Lena said, groaning as she eased backwards in her chair, sinking down slightly so that she was more horizontal than vertical.

  “I’ll take it,” Jay said, his eyes sparkling as he grabbed the plate.

  Madhu tutted but smiled and blew her husband a kiss.

  Lena watched in contentment, as always loving seeing what a beautiful relationship her sister and Jay had, even though it was tinged with a hint of regret that she hadn’t found that for herself.

  “You okay?” Madhu asked. It was as if she had a sixth sense where Lena was concerned, always able to read her mind.

  Lena smiled. “Mostly,” she said. It was as honest as she could be; she’d done a deal with herself on the train journey up that she would try and be open with her sister. No more saying “fine” when she didn’t mean it.

  Madhu’s eyebrows shot up. “Mostly? Not fine?” She grinned, and Lena laughed.

  “I know I can’t get away with that anymore. Not around you, anyway.”

  “You two want some sister time?” Jay asked. “Me and my friend the leftover chicken can easily get out of your way.”

  Lena patted his hand. “Finish your food in comfort. Then I’ll take your wife away for some sister time.”

  He nodded and crammed another forkful of food in his mouth.

  Ten minutes later, Lena and Madhu were comfy on the sofa while Jay could be heard in the kitchen, doing the dishes.

  “Have you got everything you need for the baby’s room?” Lena asked, matching Madhu’s position with her feet propped up on the edge of the coffee table.

  “Mostly. We need a cot, but Mum thinks one of our cousins may have one we could use.”

  “Well, let me know if that doesn’t work out, and I’ll buy you one as a present for the birth.”

  Madhu’s eyes were wide. “You sure?”

  Lena hugged her quickly. “Of course!”

  “Thanks, because between you and me, the cousin she’s talking about has questionable taste in a lot of things and I’m dreading what this cot might look like.”

  Lena laughed, and it felt good. She’d done quite a bit of laughing this week, mostly with Megan, and that had felt very good too. At that thought, her face fell.

  “What?” Madhu asked, her hand resting on Lena’s arm.

  Lena sighed. It was now or never. Taking a deep breath, she related the full story of Christmas Day, including the cheek kisses that had ended it. She also outlined the whole looking-after-sick-Megan episode, and how much enjoyment she’d taken from sharing that book with Megan.

  “Okay,” Madhu said slowly, drawing out the two syllables. “Cheek kissing is nice. I can see that.”

  Lena nodded.

  “But…?” Madhu prompted.

  Lena blushed but plunged on. “But I think I want more,” she whispered.

  Madhu beamed. “At last! So, when are you going to ask her out?”

  “What?” Lena squeaked. “Ask her—are you mad?”

  Madhu tilted her head and frowned. “What do you mean? Oh, wait, are the rules different when it’s two women? Does she have to ask you out because she’s like the man in this relationship?”

  Lena’s eyes nearly crossed in her confusion. “What are you talking about? She’s not ‘the man’. She’s a woman. Just like me.” Her voice started to rise as anger at her sister’s crass misreading of gender and identity twisted in her gut. Until she looked properly at Madhu and saw the twinkle in her eye and the smile forming at the corners of her mouth.

  “Exactly,” Madhu said quietly. “She’s a woman, just like you. So why are you waiting for her to ask you out?”

  Lena stared at her sister. “You…” She exhaled. “How come you’re better at lesbian dating than I am?” she mumbled.

  Madhu laughed. “Oh, Lena, I’m not. I just know you. Apart from when you came out to us all, you’ve always waited for things to happen. Waited for other people to do things that you really wanted. You told me you liked Chris the minute you met her but wouldn’t ask her out, she had to ask you.”

  “That’s not—” She stopped and thought about it. Actually, Madhu was right. She had always waited. Her first girlfriend in Bolton had asked Lena out, not the other way around. Chris had done it too. “I’m scared,” she whispered. “Scared of being turned down.”

  Madhu’s face softened into understanding. “I know, sister,” Madhu said. “But trust me, from what I saw between you two when I visited, I don’t think
she’d turn you down.”

  “Really?”

  Madhu grinned. “I never saw you with Chris, and I don’t have any lesbian friends, but even so, I can recognise chemistry when I see it. And believe me, there was some smoking chemistry between you two.”

  “But she’s so…gorgeous, and lovely, and outgoing. I mean, nothing like me. What would she see in me?”

  “Oh, dear,” Madhu said, shaking her head. “You really are delusional, aren’t you? Leelawati, you are gorgeous and smart, and when you put your mind to it, very caring and thoughtful. You’ve been through a tough time this past year, and I know it’s made you a bit scared and, well, bitter. But I know you are more than that and I reckon Megan can see that too, especially after you two have been living together these past few weeks.”

  She grinned. “And hey, you can’t tell me that the bunny slippers were the gift of a casual friend. That took real thought and care, and shows she was really thinking about what would make you happy, yes?”

  “That…that’s true. But…”

  Madhu raised one eyebrow, a feat that always astounded Lena even as it filled her with jealousy over the fact that she couldn’t do it.

  Lena crumpled under the intensity of her sister’s gaze. A full confession was needed, clearly. “Well, one of the big issues with Chris and me was my, you know, need for routine and my cleaning habits and so on. I’m not the easiest person to be with, am I?” Even Lena knew her voice sounded pathetic but to Madhu’s credit she didn’t meet it with her usual sarcasm.

  Instead, she took a deep breath and said, “But from a few things you’ve told me, once Megan got used to your little…quirks, she seemed okay with them, yes? Has living with her stopped you from following any of your routines?”

  Lena thought for a moment. “You know, actually, it hasn’t.” She blinked. How had she not noticed that? Megan had accommodated Lena’s needs reasonably quickly and with virtually no fuss. “She lets me be me.”

  Madhu nodded, her grin wide. “So, what’s stopping you?”