by Harry Morris
At which point the officers immediately arrested him again with the same offence as before and said, ‘You might think it, son … but what you don’t do is say it!’
A Confession or What?
• • •
I received this from an ex-colleague regarding a young probationer on his shift who submitted his monthly progress report to his sergeant (line manager).
After checking it over, the sergeant was confused as to what action he should take and faced a dilemma.
Should he take him aside and counsel him, or should he pass his report on to the divisional CID?
The young probationer’s report read as follows: ‘I have been personally involved in a variety of incidents during the past month, i.e. assaults, thefts, indecent exposure and violently resisting arrest.’
Gee whiz, son, you’ve joined the wrong side!
David Who?
• • •
Police officers recovered a stolen car and, on checking it out, they found a stash of Davidoff aftershave and perfume worth several hundred pounds in the boot.
They contacted the registered keeper of the car and relayed the good news to him, whereby he said, ‘Ah ken that’s ma car, but Ah dinnae ken this “David Duff” fella that you’re talking aboot!’
I Don’t Believe It!
• • •
A retired cop called the Police Federation to say that he had read in the newspaper that certain officers in England had received substantial compensation payments due to having suffered from stress whilst on duty, attending traumatic and tragic events. He was angry that the Federation had failed to contact him to advance his claim that he had to retire on medical grounds.
The Federation rep was unaware of his claim and asked him what his medical condition was, at which he stated, ‘I’ve got PMT!’
This complaint from a man just happens to be another first for officers who’ve served with Strathclyde Police.
Chief Medical Officer
• • •
I walked into the police doctor’s office one day and noticed that he had a suppository sticking out of his ear.
‘Excuse me, Doctor, but do you know that you have a suppository sticking out of your ear?’ I asked him.
He put his hand up to his ear, pulled it out and said, ‘Shit! The officer who was in before you has my pencil sticking out of his arse!’
Not Now, Thanks
• • •
Three Glesca punters entered their local pub and ordered up some drinks.
While doing so, they spotted a man who looked like Jesus Christ sitting at a table all by himself, and decided to each send him over a drink.
After the man had consumed his complimentary three drinks, he made his way over to the table where they were sitting to thank them all.
He shook hands with the first punter, who turned to his mates and said, ‘Crikey! I’ve had arthritis in my hands for years and he’s just cured it with one handshake!’
The man then shook hands and rubbed the back of the second punter, who announced to the others, ‘Holy, holy! I’ve suffered from severe back pain all my life and he’s just taken all the pain away with one handshake and rub. He’s cured me!’
The man then turned to the third punter and as he held out his hand to shake, the punter jumped backwards and said, ‘Bugger off, you! I’m on disability benefits!’
Think About It First
• • •
In January every year one Scot is remembered all over the world. I’m talking about none other than the great poet, song lyricist and writer of the most romantic words ever spoken: Robert Burns.
I had the honour of being asked at the last minute to step in and speak at a Burns evening in Larkhall.
Apprehensive as I was, I reluctantly agreed to do it.
Armed with my speech and my various bits of knowledge about the great man, I arrived at the venue to take my seat at the top table beside the other guests.
After several speakers had performed, it was now my turn, as the MC for the night stood up to introduce me to the seated audience.
‘Right, gents. Our next speaker is from Glasgow and he has kindly stepped in at the last minute. The other guy who we wanted – and who we know is very, very funny – got offered more money somewhere else, so he cancelled us. I didnae book this next guy, so if he’s not funny, then don’t blame me.’ He then put his arm out and introduced me as, ‘Harry Morrison!’
The confidence of that intro was running down my legs as I took to my feet.
Mind you, in hindsight, I should have taken to my heels!
Racism or What?
• • •
All the exaggerated fuss in the media over remarks made on the TV reality show Celebrity Big Brother reminded me of a story I heard in a church.
A black man moved into a new area and, being religious, the following Sunday he got into his best suit and made his way to the local church.
As he arrived there and was about to enter, he was stopped by the church deacons and politely advised against entering, before being ushered away.
The following Sunday, he again donned his best suit and headed along the road to the local church, where once again he was politely thwarted from entering by the church deacons at the entrance and prevented from coming in to worship.
The black man, disappointed by this treatment, made the long journey back home, where he knelt down on his knees and prayed to God: ‘Lord, how come when I attend your house to worship, I am continually prevented from entering.’
To which the Lord replied, ‘Don’t worry about it, my son. I have been trying to get in there for years as well.’
Everything Is on Me
• • •
In the late 1960s I had enlisted with the Royal Engineers Territorial Army as a sapper.
During one of my stays at a training camp, I was stationed in Stirling, along with some of my old mates, Tommy Peebles, Jimmy Tucker and Ian Cameron.
After about a week at camp, Peebles came running into our billet, all excited, and proudly announced that his wife had just given birth to a new baby boy.
He was so ecstatic by the news that he invited the three of us out for a celebratory meal and a drink.
‘Everything is on me,’ he announced.
None of us needed to be asked twice.
We made our way into the city centre and Peebles decided on a very plush Chinese restaurant.
Whilst looking through the menu at the prices, I remarked that it was quite expensive.
‘Don’t worry about it! It’s all on me,’ he said. ‘Money is no object tonight. Order whatever you want, my treat!’
He then promptly ordered up two bottles of their best wine and four large whiskies, to toast his newly born son.
‘Right, Harry boy! What are you having?’ he asked me.
‘I think I’ll have the sirloin steak, if that’s all right,’ I said.
‘Give him a double helping of sirloin steak and mushrooms. D’you want mushrooms? You’ve got to. Give him a double portion of mushrooms as well,’ he ordered.
‘Whoa, Peebles, that’ll cost you a fortune!’ I remarked.
‘Don’t you worry about it, Harry boy, my treat, Money is no object tonight, so have what you like,’ he repeated.
He then proceeded to order up double portions of chicken chow mein, fillet steak and king prawns.
The drink was flowing and the owner of the Chinese restaurant was rubbing his hands with glee at the prospect of receiving payment of our final bill.
Halfway through my double steak dinner, I couldn’t resist reiterating to Peebles that this celebration meal and bevy was going to cost him a fortune.
‘It’s no’ gonnae cost me a fuckin’ penny, ‘cause I’ve no’ got any money!’ he nonchalantly replied, while shovelling spoonfuls of chicken chow mein into his gob.
Suddenly, my enormous appetite deserted me and a feeling of nausea overcame me, as I sobered up.
I then stood u
p from the table, excused myself and made my way towards the front door, where a monster of a man resembling Oddjob from the Bond film Goldfinger approached me.
I quickly reacted by putting my hand into my pocket and took out the only money I possessed, a two-shilling piece, and promptly forced it into his hand.
On taking it, he thanked me and, opening the front door, he wished me good night.
Once outside I ran like an odds-on favourite winning greyhound at the Shawfield race track. Linford Christie would have been hard pushed to keep up with me, never mind catch me, as I ran all the way back to the barracks.
Early next morning, I was to learn at the parade that Peebles, Tucker and Cameron had been arrested by the local police for failing to pay their restaurant bill and subsequently causing a disturbance.
Although it was also stated that there had been four diners and there would be a full parade later, whereby, accompanied by the police, the restaurateur would attempt to try and identify ‘the one that got away’.
Fortunately for me, all he could remember from the night before was the loss of pounds, shillings and pence!
This celebration night turned out to be an expensive affair indeed, as each of them were fined £30 in compensation and £10 for causing a disturbance.
As for me, I was later called to see the duty sergeant, who asked me, ‘So how was your meal, Sapper Morris?’
‘What meal would that be, Sergeant?’ I asked him.
‘The one that you failed to finish in the restaurant. Don’t fuck with me, Morris, I saw you leaving the barracks with them … And I know you bunged the doorman. Fortunately, I also saw you arriving back early before the reported time of the trouble. So I will put it down to you having shown some good initiative and common sense. Now before I tell you to bugger off out of my sight for the rest of the day, just consider this. The two shillings you spent last night was probably the best two shillings you’re ever likely to spend. You were very lucky.’
To which I replied, ‘Yes, sir!’
But he was right – two bob for a sirloin steak with mushrooms, washed down with red wine and several large whiskies, mmmm!
Who Knows, Maybe?
• • •
An off-duty cop was on a night out and met a gorgeous girl in a bar.
Several drinks later, she agreed to go home with him to his apartment.
After making love all night, the following morning he asked her, ‘Am I the first polis you’ve ever made love to?’
She looked at him intently for several moments, then said, ‘You could be, darling, your face is definitely familiar.’
A Perfect Relationship
• • •
It is important that a woman has a good job with a nice car, secondly, that she is great in bed and enjoys making love to you any time, anywhere, and thirdly, that she owns a lovely house.
However, it’s extremely important that these three women don’t get to know about each other!
Shut That Door
• • •
A young woman who’d split up from her boyfriend decided to advertise for a new flatmate to share the costs of her privately owned apartment and was pleasantly surprised when a young woman of the same age answered her advertisement almost immediately.
Having completed the formalities of an interview, the two girls appeared to get along fine and it was decided that she would be the one to flat-share.
Things went well for several weeks, with both girls taking turns at cooking and keeping the apartment tidy, until one day the owner returned home to find her flatmate in bed with a man, having sex.
The following day, the owner took her flatmate aside and pointed out the ‘no men allowed in the flat’ rule.
However, a few days later she returned to her flat to discover the same scenario, with her flatmate’s underwear strewn on the floor outside her room.
The young owner immediately made her feelings known and ordered the man out of the house.
This provoked a heated argument with her flatmate, who wanted her boyfriend to stay the night, as they were about to engage in some bare-bum tig.
One word bothered another, until the boyfriend intervened and told the owner to politely ‘fuck off’: he wasn’t leaving.
The owner had no alternative but to contact the police, and PCs Brian Davey and John McCall attended the call.
Having been made aware of the situation by the owner, both cops entered the flatmate’s room, where the male friend was lying in bed, pretending to be asleep.
‘Right, mate. Wakey-wakey! It’s time to go home,’ Brian said, as he leaned over and gently shook him.
However, the male was not for wakening and continued to pretend to be asleep.
As a result, Brian was more ‘frisky’ in his wakey-wakey! method.
The young man then came to life and after exchanging a few words with the cops, he blatantly refused to get up out of bed and leave.
Such were his actions that his behaviour was tantamount to a breach of the peace and he was informed that he was now being arrested.
As the accused struggled with the cops, the half-naked girlfriend stated there was no way that they were taking her boyfriend out of the house.
She then ran from the room, slamming the door behind her, and locked it with her key and held it tightly closed to prevent the cops from getting out.
In the meantime, the boyfriend was struggling violently, resisting arrest, and so had to be restrained and handcuffed then physically held down on the bed.
Brian then ordered the girl holding the bedroom door shut to open it, but she point-blank refused, directing a few verbal expletives towards the cops.
At that, Brian grabbed hold of the door handle to pull the door open, but all he managed to do was wrench off the door handle, as the girl continued to use her full body weight to prevent them leaving.
Drastic times call for drastic measures, so Brian, not exactly a shrinking violet, took the physical route and punched a hole in the door panel and, with his next few punches, managed to burst a good part of it out.
He then looked to the side of the door, where he could see the girl outside, still holding on to the door handle.
While this was taking place, John was still wrestling on the bed with the boyfriend, who had become more aggressive, due to the fact that he was getting the jail and not his ‘Nat King’!
At this point, Brian put his arm through the hole in the door and grabbed hold of the girlfriend by her arm and pulled her over towards the hole.
As he did so, he managed to get a better hold of her, whereby he physically dragged her by the head and shoulders up through the opening in the door that he had made and held her there until more police assistance arrived.
However, I’m reliably informed that it took several minutes for the attending cops to stop laughing and lend assistance, as all they could see when they entered the flat, was the girl’s big bare arse and flailing legs, fully exposed, sticking out from the hole in the bedroom door!
I’m also informed by Brian, ‘There’s hope for us all.’
It’s definitely the first time that a young female has ever tried to prevent him from leaving her bedroom!
Teething Troubles
• • •
A stolen car was recovered by the police, and while searching it for fingerprints to assist them in trying to detect the culprits responsible, they discovered a set of false teeth under the driver’s seat.
The owner was contacted, who immediately stated that they were not his teeth.
After some considerable inquiries by the officers dealing with the crime, they managed to trace the owner of the false teeth, whom they interviewed with regards the theft of the car.
The suspect vehemently denied ever being in the stolen car, or being involved in the theft of the vehicle, and gave the feeble excuse that he had lost his teeth a few days earlier and therefore it was purely an unexpected coincidence that they should be found in the stolen car.
However, the police officers carrying out the investigation didn’t believe him and, as a result, they took great delight in charging him with deliberately lying through his teeth.
Passing Out Parade
• • •
During a passing out parade at Tulliallan Police College, the commandant was carrying out his inspection, going along each line of police recruits, when he stopped and asked, ‘What’s your name, lad?’
‘Brown, sir,’ the young officer replied.
‘And where do you work, Officer Brown?’
‘I work in the Baillieston area of Glasgow, sir.’
‘And have you been involved in any interesting cases during your two years’ probation?’ he asked.
‘Yes, sir, I have been involved in an attempted murder and was responsible for arresting two men on a charge of theft of a motor vehicle.’
‘Good for you. That’s what I like to hear.’
He then walked along the line a little further, before stopping again.
‘Hello! What’s your name?’ he asked.
‘Edward Gray, sir,’ he replied.
‘And where do you work, Gray?’
‘I work in East Kilbride, sir.’
‘And can you tell me about anything you have been involved in during your probation?’ the commandant asked.
‘Well, I chased after and caught a man for house-breaking and he admitted to the CID to a further seventeen theft offences,’ he announced proudly.
‘Good for you, son. That’s what I like to hear!’
Further along the line, he stopped at another officer and asked his name.
‘Wilson, sir, Thomas Wilson from Hamilton!’ he said loudly and proudly.
‘And what things have you been up to of interest during your past two years?’
