by Harry Morris
All the children boarded the bus, bound for sunny Troon in Ayrshire for their away day, with the promise of fun, games and prizes.
Within a very short time they had arrived at Troon, where they immediately set about arranging games and racing competitions for all the children to keep them occupied and, most of all, tire the wee buggers out!
First up was the sack race, where the two sons of the fireman won, coming in first and second place.
Next was the egg and spoon race, where the two sons of the fireman again won, coming in first and second.
This was followed by the three-legged race, duly won by – you’ve guessed it – the fireman’s sons.
Then it was the under-tens fifty-metre dash, and in first place was the youngest of the fireman’s sons.
What about the under-twelves sixty-metre dash? In first place was the other son of the fireman.
The races were coming fast and furious, with, surprise, surprise, the fireman’s children winning first and second place every bloody time!
After the games were all finished and the trophy haul handed over to the fireman’s sons, the entire group went off for a slap-up meal, with all their favourites on the menu: burgers, pizza, chips with curry sauce, ice cream, chocolate fudge; you name it, they ate it.
At the end of the trip, they were all starting to board the bus for home and Maggie, the inspector, was doing a head count of all the kids and discovered two of the children were missing.
One of the community cops’ children spotted right away that it was the fireman’s sons.
The inspector instructed Kevin Cuthbert, one of the police officers assisting, to go and look for them.
As he entered the toilets, there they both were, trying to see who could pee the highest up the wall.
Kevin was angry and told them to finish off doing the toilet and get out to the bus, where everyone was waiting.
He then went outside and informed Maggie that he had found them and told her what they were doing.
‘What did you do?’ Maggie asked him.
‘Well, I hit the roof!’ Kevin replied.
To which Maggie heaved a sigh of relief and said, ‘Thank goodness we’ve won some bloody thing today!’
A Fond Memory
• • •
I joined the City of Glasgow police about the same time as an Irish boy called Harry MacAleer.
Harry, was very good at playing the great Highland bagpipes and over the next few years, while working out of the Gorbals police station, he would maintain his high standard of piping by practising regularly in the yard during his refreshment breaks.
This was considered acceptable by the subdivisional officer, who was keen on the music, being from Uist.
However, the sound of pipe music and that of police work were about to clash, when a detective officer working in an office immediately above Harry’s favourite piping spot was interviewing a suspect on tape.
He had gone through the preamble of the operation with the suspect and was about to ask his first question, when the unmistakeable strains of ‘Mull of Kintyre’ punctured his eardrums.
As a result of this, the retyped transcript of the interview read as follows:
It is alleged that you are one of the— The time is now 19:52 hours and this interview is now being terminated, because, as you can hear, Harry MacAleer is playing his bloody musical octopus right under the fuckin’ Taped Interview Room of the station!
The Glesca Kiss
• • •
From The Adventures of Harry the Polis
(Harry and Spook are working in the front of the police office, talking about the boxing match from the previous night.)
SPOOK: Did ya see Mo-Mo McCulloch boxing last night on da telly?
HARRY: That wasn’t boxing. In boxing, you’re supposed to use your fists!
SPOOK: And what did ya think he used then?
HARRY: His head, that’s what he used!
SPOOK: Away, man, da guy couldn’t handle Mo-Mo’s left hook, dat’s what laid him out.
HARRY: Naw, son! What he couldn’t handle was McCulloch’s Glesca kiss!
SPOOK: Well, how comes they took him to da hospital afterwards?
HARRY: They didn’t! They took him to a hairdresser’s to have his mouth washed out with Head and Shoulders shampoo.
SPOOK: Why did they do dat then?
HARRY: Because his mouth was full up with dandruff!
Ode tae Harry the Polis
• • •
Look out! Look about! He’s walking his beat
The funniest cop ye’re ever likely to meet
He’ll move ye alang, he’ll even tell ye aff
And fit ye wi’ handcuffs, jist for a laugh
Enforcing the law with his extra long arm
Arresting you with his likeable charm
And suddenly you’ll realise this is no rumour
The offences regarding his hilarious humour
There’s no way to resist it, not even for you
Harry the Polis, Even the Lies are True!
He’s totally unbiased, whether Billy or a Dan
Treating all equal, whether woman or man
Ye’ll never escape him, for he has his spies
Harry the Polis, and Even More Lies!
Patrolling the area, in his blue panda car
Neds who commit crimes won’t get very far
So when ye’re arrested, jist zip up yer mooth
Harry the Polis, Nuthin’ Like the Truth
He’ll tell you a joke, an anecdote, or a tale
Stories full of laughter to keep you out of jail
A bellyful of fun times, with a uniform to fit
Harry the Polis, Ye’re Never Gonnae Believe it!
So heed this warning and remember to behave
For the polis are loyal, they’re honest and brave
So remain law-abiding and you’ll soon see the light
Harry the Polis, Aye, That Will Be Right!
And if you always behave, ye’ll stay out of trouble
And no amount of verbals, will burst yer bubble
You’ll never appear in court, or utter a porky pie
Harry the Polis, Ah Cannae Tell a Lie!
(The latter is presently under construction.)
Tut, Tut!
• • •
Finally. A police officer was staggering home after a night out with the members of his shift when he saw a chapel door opened and wandered inside and entered a confessional box.
After a few moments there was a sound from the next cubicle like someone clearing their throat.
This was closely followed moments later by the same person making a ‘tut, tut’ sound.
A short time elapsed, when the person in the next cubicle made another noticeable grunting noise, followed by a louder tut, tut.
Whereupon the drunken police officer said, ‘You can ‘tut, tut’ all night pal, but there’s no toilet paper in this cubicle either.’
Harry Says, ‘Share With Me!’
• • •
Former police officer Harry Morris, author of the popular Harry the Polis series of books, is planning to publish book number six of his funny short polis stories:
Harry the Polis, Ah Cannae Tell a Lie!
He would like to extend an invitation to all serving and retired polis, along with all FSO staff, to contribute a story to future publications and allow the popular, hilarious series to continue.
Stories must be of a humorous nature and can even be a short scenario of an incident that you would like the author to expand upon. (All names will be changed to protect the guilty.)
We are all very much aware of the seriousness and important side of the job, when serving the public. That’s why the humour we enjoy in our duties is a very important feature to our work.
So why not share it with your colleagues and the public by giving everyone a laugh, as opposed to reading about horrific day-to-day crimes that we see daily in the p
ress that are forced upon us.
Just send stories, poems, anecdotes, jokes or tales to:
e-mail: [email protected]
web: www.harrythepolis.com
The author will be sure to credit you with your submission. However, if you wish to remain anonymous, this will also be respected by the author. The main objective is not to make fun of the police force, but to write about the humour we all enjoy and contribute to within it.
So why don’t you start writing and let me hear from you? We all have a funny story we have been involved with, why not share it?
Thank you
• • •
I hope you enjoyed reading this book of stories in the Harry the Polis series as much as I enjoyed writing it.
To all my former colleagues, past, present and future police officers, I would say: if you can’t laugh at yourselves, then leave the job to others.
Also available from Harry the Polis:
Even the Lies Are True
Even More Lies
Nuthin’ Like the Truth
Ye’re Never Gonnae Believe It!
Copyright
• • •
First published 2007
by Black & White Publishing Ltd
29 Ocean Drive, Edinburgh EH6 6JL
www.blackandwhitepublishing.com
This electronic edition published in 2012
ISBN: 978 1 84502 592 2 in EPub format
ISBN: 978 1 84502 593 9 in Mobipocket format
ISBN: 978 1 84502 175 7 in paperback format
Copyright © Harry Morris 2007
The right of Harry Morris to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without permission in writing from the publisher.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
Ebook compilation by RefineCatch Ltd, Bungay
