by Hal Johnson
But one particularly wily and potentially deaf bear remained behind, and with all his competition gone he was really able to run wild. Ursodental experts were able to confirm that all the damage was done by only one bear—the same one, incidentally, as the one from the Wasselbaum incident—but all the experts, even Bruce, were out of ideas on how to stop him.
I may have weighed in with a couple of suggestions. “Eugene,” I may have said, “if this bear of yours is not scared of loud noises, perhaps you can scare him with loud clothing.” I suggested checkered polyester Sansabelt slacks and a Hawaiian shirt with pictures of car crashes. Or I may have suggested—my lawyer is very clear on this point.
Somehow, with or without my input, Bruce struck upon the idea of employing the great quick-change artist Walter Fitzwalter. Fitzwalter had gained some notoriety in recent years dressing as jazz musicians and hippies and infiltrating terrorist groups for the FBI, but his real skill lay in his ability to change his appearance rapidly—from a businessman to a cheerleader to a Mongolian horseman in traditional garb. He had invented a device, which I had not assisted him with, that would automatically change his clothes, with tiny robotic arms, at the press of a button, and almost faster than the human eye can see. He could be anyone. And Bruce hired him to amble through the Hyampom woods, switching back and forth between an orange and pink striped muumuu and a silk Cuban shirt plus six-inch-wide tie with a hand-painted Hawaiian dancer. A neon stretch top with polka-dot leggings and teddy-boy ruffled shirt slash purple Edwardian velvet coat ensemble. A mustard plaid leisure suit and a leopard-print floor-length gown. Walter Fitzwalter, quick-change artist extraordinaire and not a bad guy, really, was the loudest thing in Hyampom that fall.
Science has marched on since the late ’60s, and although we’ve forgotten some things, such as how to get to the moon, we have learned many others. We now know that the hog bear is capable of producing a musk that paralyzes the muscular system in both warm-blooded animals and Frenchmen. The occasional hunter had reported similar symptoms, which had been passed off as the side effects of snacking on poisonous berries. A concentrated dose can fully paralyze the diaphragm, causing the lungs to stop working and the victim to asphyxiate, but even in smaller doses the musk will induce sufficient weakness to prevent flight, which explains how one creature could bite so many successive hogs. Also, the hog bear can move backward and forward in time and can appear in multiple places at once.
This discovery has helped us untangle the tragedy of what happened that autumn day. The hog bear never attacks hunters, of course, or humans at all—it eats pigs, and sometimes acorns. But Walter Fitzwalter was dressed so outlandishly that the hog bear may have been reminded of Marcus Wasselbaum’s disguised pigs that it had feasted on so long ago. It released its musk, paralyzing poor Fitzwalter as he ambled through the forest in surfer trunks and a rhinestone cape. And it took a bite. Only one bite, for the hog bear always takes only one bite. One bite is not so bad.
But then Fitzwalter’s automatic clothes-changing machine activated its little robot arms. The sequined vest disappeared to be replaced with a saffron smoking jacket. Intrigued by what appeared to be a whole new creature lying helpless before it, the bear returned for just one more bite. It must have been very painful, but it was hardly fatal.
And then his clothes changed again.
Seventeen outfits, all of dubious taste, Fitzwalter went through until there was not enough left of him to drape clothes on. When they found his jigsaw puzzle of a body, surrounded by the wispy remains of feather boas and artificial leather, some people claim Fitzwalter managed to gasp out my name and a call for revenge before dying. But my lawyer says this never happened.
There are still a few pig farms in Hyampom. There are still a few hog bears, too.
Appendix
Fearsome Facts
Slide-Rock Bolter
Habitat: Mountains
Range: Colorado
Height: 20'
Weight: >25,000 lbs.
Diet: Whatever’s in its path
Number of limbs: 3?
Life span: 80+ years
Ground speed: 65 mph
Fearsomeness: 9
Absurdity: 8
Hodag
Habitat: Lumberwoods
Range: Michigan
Height: 8' at shoulder
Weight: 3,000 lbs.
Diet: Carnivorous
Number of limbs: 4
Temperament: Fearsome
Life span: Death fears the hodag
Ground speed: 35 mph
Fearsomeness: 12
Absurdity: 4
Snoligoster
Habitat: Swamps and wetlands
Range: Florida, Georgia, and Louisiana
Weight: 3,000 lbs.
Diet: Umbrivorous
Number of limbs: 0
Activity cycle: Diurnal
Life span: 30–50 years
Fearsomeness: 8
Absurdity: 6
Hugag
Habitat: Lumberwoods
Range: Wisconsin, Minnesota, Ontario, and Manitoba
Height: 13' at shoulder
Weight: 5,000–6,000 lbs.
Diet: Bark, pine needles
Lip: Pendulous
Number of limbs: 4
Life span: 20–30 years
Ground speed: 25 mph
Fearsomeness: 3
Absurdity: 6
Whirling Whimpus
Habitat: Lumberwoods
Range: Cumberlands
Armspan: 95"
Height: 8' at shoulder
Weight: 250–300 lbs.
Diet: Gooövorous
Number of limbs: 3
Life span: 11–17 prime years
Ground speed: 30–50 mph
Fearsomeness: 10
Absurdity: 11
Toteroad Shagamaw
Habitat: Lumberwoods
Range: Maine, eastern Canada
Height: 7'
Weight: 900 lbs.
Diet: Garbage; me
Number of limbs: 4
Life span: 20–30 years
Ground speed: 35 mph
Fearsomeness: 10
Absurdity: 7
Gumberoo
Habitat: Rain forest
Range: Washington, Oregon
Height: 8'
Weight: 350 lbs. starving
Diet: Literally omnivorous
Number of limbs: 13
Life span: 4–7 years
Ground speed: 150+ mph
Hibernation period: 47–50 weeks a year
Fearsomeness: 9
Absurdity: 12
Terrashot
Habitat: Desert
Range: California/Nevada border
Height: 6–8'
Weight: 80–120 lbs.
Diet: Herbivorous
Number of limbs: 3–7
Life span: Mysterious, ending in loud bang
Ground speed: 1 mph
Fearsomeness: 5
Absurdity: 10
Tripodero
Habitat: Scrubland
Range: California
Height: 2–10'+
Weight: 10 lbs.
Subphylum: Triplozoa
Diet: Detritivorous
Number of limbs: 2
Temperament: Inscrutable
Life span: 200 years+
Ground speed: 20 mph
Absurdity: 10
Roperite
Habitat: Desert
Range: Mojave
Height: 5' at shoulder
Weight: 120 lbs.
Diet: Tears, maybe?
Temperament: Hostile
Number of limbs: 4
Life span: Immortal?
Ground speed: 90 mph
Fearsomeness: 9
Absurdity: 8
Hyampom Hog Bear
Habitat: Mountainous forest
Range: Klamaths
Length: 50–80"
Weight: 150–300 lbs.
Diet: Hogs, pigs, oinkers, and swine
Temperament: Fair
Number of limbs: 4
Life span: 18–25 years
Ground speed: 30 mph
Fearsomeness: 4
Absurdity: 5
Acropelter
Habitat: Lumberwoods
Range: Northern United States
Height: 4'
Weight: 50–80 lbs.
Diet: Woodpeckers and owls
Number of limbs: 4–20+
Temperament: Mean
Life span: 100–120 years
Tree speed: 35 mph
Fearsomeness: 8
Absurdity: 9
Whintosser
Habitat: Mountains
Range: Mexico, California
Length: 4'
Weight: 70 lbs.
Diet: Carnivorous
Number of limbs: 12
Temperament: Disagreeable
Life span: 4–10 years
Ground speed: 15 mph
Fearsomeness: 8
Absurdity: 8
Cactus Cat
Habitat: Desert
Range: Sonora, Arizona; New Mexico
Length: 3'
Weight: 25 lbs.
Diet: Cactus sap; cactus mice
Activity cycle: Nocturnal
Temperament: Intemperate
Ground speed: 15 mph
Life span: 15–25 years
Fearsomeness: 6
Absurdity: 4
Billdad
Habitat: Lakes
Range: Franklin County, Maine
Height: 30"
Weight: 35 lbs.
Diet: Fish
Activity cycle: Diurnal
Life span: 25 years
Flavor: Sweet; delicious
Ground speed: 30 mph
Fearsomeness: 2
Absurdity: 7
Leprocaun
Habitat: Mouseholes; outskirts
Range: Not Ireland
Height: 3' plus hat
Weight: 30 lbs. dry, 55 lbs. drunk
Diet: Facial features; whiskey
Activity cycle: Nocturnal
Temperament: Bitter
Life span: 10–15 years
Fearsomeness: 8
Absurdity: 7
Squonk
Habitat: Mountains
Range: Poconos
Height: 2' at shoulder
Weight: 30–40 lbs.
Diet: Pus
Number of limbs: 3½
Temperament: Morose
Ground speed: 15 mph
Life span: Interminable
Fearsomeness: 11
Absurdity: 10
Snow Wasset
Habitat: Taiga
Range: Northern Territories
Length: 4–5'
Weight: 40–60 lbs.
Diet: Carnivorous
Number of limbs: 0 or 4
Temperament: Hungry
Activity cycle: Diurnal
Life span: 5–13 years
Ground speed: 35 mph
Fearsomeness: 8
Absurdity: 6
Wapaloosie
Habitat: Lumberwoods
Range: Washington, British Columbia
Length: 40"
Weight: 2–4 lbs.
Diet: Innocent canopy fungus that has never hurt anyone
Number of limbs: 4
Life span: 7–10 years
Fearsomeness: 1
Absurdity: 5
Hoop Snake
Habitat: Lumberwoods
Range: Grand Canyon to Maine
Length: 60–70"
Girth: 7"
Weight: 4 lbs.
Diet: Carnivorous
Number of limbs: 0
Life span: 15–30 years
Ground speed: 60 mph
Hibernation period: October–March
Fearsomeness: 9
Absurdity: 7
Lumberjack
Habitat: Lumberwoods
Range: United States
Height: 5'10"
Weight: 190 lbs.
Diet: Flapjacks
Number of limbs: 4
Life span: 55 years
Fearsomeness: 2
Absurdity: 1
Survivor Bunny
Habitat: Lumberwoods
Range: Lumberwoods
Length: 14"
Weight: 4–6 lbs.
Diet: Herbivore
Number of limbs: 4
Lifespan: 9–12 years (optimal conditions)
Ground speed: 35 mph
Fearsomeness: 10
Absurdity: 7
The print edition of this book includes a Fearsome Facts chart.
Please download a PDF of the chart here: workman.com/ebookdownloads
For Those Wanting More . . .
If you want to learn more about cryptozoology, the best but most dangerous method is to take to the field and seek out some fearsome creatures in the wild. Bring a flamethrower and a lucky rabbit’s foot. Write a will.
For those who wish to stay alive and sane, another option is to read books about cryptozoology. The best book on the subject is this one, so you’re halfway there. Also of great merit is the pioneering 1910 work by William T. Cox; it is also called Fearsome Creatures of the Lumberwoods (Press of Judd and Detweiller, Inc.), and this book is more or less an updating of the lore discovered by Cox. (Readers should be aware that the book contains racism above and beyond what one might expect from that era and approach it accordingly.) All North American cryptozoologists are walking in Cox’s footsteps; sometimes literally, because he dug so many pits there is only one safe passage through. Cox’s Fearsome Creatures of the Lumberwoods is out of print and hard to find, but you can read it for free online.
In 1939 Henry H. Tryon wrote his own update of Cox, called Fearsome Critters (The Idlewild Press), with illustrations by his wife. This book is also out of print and hard to find, but fortunately it is also freely available online.
The inimitable Richard M. Dorson studied the secret lore of North America in many fields; his work on cryptozoology, however, is best summed up in Man and Beast in American Comic Legend (Indiana University Press, 1982). Many of Dr. Dorson’s books are still in print and easily locatable: Man and Beast in American Comic Legend is an exception.
There are many collections of “tall tales,” which is what the superstitious and ignorant call scientific data; however, few of these collections focus on fearsome creatures
. One that has more than its fair share of fearsomeness in it is Vance Randolph’s We Always Lie to Strangers (Greenwood Press, 1974). This book is almost impossible to acquire.
Some of the most fearsome creatures live far outside of the lumberwoods. Europe, for example, has creatures so tough they can survive the metric system. Finding books about Old World monsters is about ten thousand times easier than finding any of the books listed above. You literally would need to be an illiterate savage not to find a dozen good books about unicorns and sphinges by groping at random, blindfolded, in your average bookstore. There are so many of these books, and they multiply at such a rate, that creeks and cisterns become choked and dammed with their waterlogged carcasses.
But there is still much that can be learned from them, and no cryptozoologist can be considered truly cultured without the knowledge they contain. The oldest books are the best: Pliny’s Natural History, Aelian’s De Natura Animalium, various medieval bestiaries (T. H. White translated one admirably as The Book of Beasts), and Thomas Browne’s Pseudodoxia Epidemica are all easy to find, and reward careful study. Just skim the boring parts.
Jorge Luis Borges, the greatest writer of the twentieth century not to die in a madhouse, co-wrote with Magarita Guerrero a book that happily bridges the two worlds, old and new. A Book of Imaginary Beings includes fearsome creatures from several continents, and the hodag gets to rub shoulders with the harpy at last.
—Hal Johnson
