22 Things a Woman With Asperger's Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know

by Rudy Simone

“I have a hard time when he tells me he’s going out at the last minute because it changes my plans and expectations. I spend most of my time with him so when he goes out without me I usually end up on my own, which is good or bad depending on how I feel.”

  9

  Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true

  An Aspergirl doesn’t understand cruelty for the sake of it. This is why she makes such a great target for bullies. She is emotionally vulnerable, even if intellectually strong. She is guileless, non-competitive, and doesn’t always know when someone does or doesn’t have her best interest at heart. This puts you, the partner, in the tough role of being supportive of her dreams and her attempts at interaction, while also watching her back and not insulting her intelligence.

  It’s a fact—people with Asperger’s are often bullied, girls every bit as much as boys. People might think she’s weird, rude, naïve, the black sheep, a dozen different things that can cause peckers to peck. This makes it harder for her to go out into the world and pursue her dreams, or career, because she is constantly being blindsided by people that just aren’t very nice: “Type A” people who love nothing more than to make others look bad, thinking that will make them look good. They are everywhere, and we, people with Asperger’s, don’t understand them. If we don’t like someone, we will probably just ignore or try to avoid them. We don’t play elaborate games to try to one-up those around us. It isn’t that we’re saints, in fact, in some cases we too become bullies, because we learn by mimicking and because we have pain and frustration and are tired of being the low rung of the ladder, so we may find someone even more vulnerable than us to take that position. But we usually grow out of that as we innately don’t like cruelty and there is nothing crueler than berating someone into extreme emotional despair.

  I asked my neurotypical partner why he thought people do it. He believes that these bad behaviors are born out of insecurity, and after giving it some thought and observation, I agree. Aspies are insecure also, but we usually take it out on ourselves, not other people. Oh sure, we might snap at our family and partners, but we don’t generally muscle our way through the world, trampling on others to get what we want.

  Sometimes Svengali-type people come into our lives acting like they want to help us, especially if we are young and pretty, and like trusting wee lambs we let the wolf into our fold. We won’t understand they are hoping to get something from us, such as sex or money. We think they love us for our mind or talents, and next thing we know, we are being backed against a wall by some leering character with a long tongue, and it completely catches us by surprise. If we were terribly unsupported and unprotected growing up, we may have been sexually abused or taken advantage of. This can lead to a fear of love or romantic overtures in general, if we never grow a reliable compass for telling good character from bad.

  Work too, will suffer if she hasn’t found the right job or group to work with. All it takes is one rotten egg to make her shell-shocked. She may not be a good judge of character, but if she tells you that someone is being unkind or if she feels she is being bullied, please don’t counter with “Oh, you must have imagined it. They’re always nice to me.” She’s not stupid—she may not know when it started or why, but eventually she will know if she’s being bullied. In her mind, that will be like taking the side of the bully and will put a wedge between you. Anyway, why wouldn’t they be nice to you? You’re not the eccentric behind the glass wall, upsetting people’s notions of normal and acceptable.

  People are followers, and when someone comes along that is a little unusual, things can go two ways—they will be embraced or rejected. Ambivalence is a balancing act that usually eventually falls to one side or another. You may have friends, lifelong friends, that do not like your partner’s quirky ways. They may see the tics, hear the monologuing, witness the control issues, and not know any of the reasons behind her behavior. They may not see the good qualities. Since they probably aren’t going to read or research Asperger’s, the best prevention here is to praise your girl, talk about her good qualities to others, so that they can see them for themselves. Spotlight her good qualities and utilize the power of positive suggestion.

  If her boss, the neighbors, the landlord, or anyone else is picking on her, you may have to step in a bit. For if you don’t say anything, and continue to be very friendly, maintaining the status quo with those who are alienating your girl, whether it’s at church, school, clubs, neighborhood, then you are being complicit in the type of bullying that is ostracizing and isolating. Even good people can behave badly at times. Someone has to lead the way to inclusion, and in this case what better person than you?

  Self-advocacy, especially face to face, is very difficult for us. We might write like Shakespeare, but we’re just plain shaky when speaking up for ourselves. She probably gets tongue-tied, angry, or cries. Thank God for typing! Real-time self-defense is not our forte. She has to learn to self-advocate, but it will never be easy or second nature. Even those people on the spectrum who are public speakers and considered “experts” can talk fluently about Asperger’s when on a podium, but out of the blue, in a social situation we may stutter and flounder for the most basic concepts to put across.

  In case you haven’t noticed this yet, your Aspergirl is loyal and hates injustice. You can bet that if ever you were in the position of being bullied, she would advocate for you, and she would stand by your side. She would not take the word of others over yours, or go with the flow. She makes up her own mind about things. This is one of her finest qualities. Loyalty, and a strong dislike for injustice.

  And remember, you go home with her at the end of the day, not with your community. If she feels betrayed by you, in a spiritual sense, that will hang over your relationship, and you will never be as close as you could be. While always a kind person, my own partner has really deepened his compassion for those who are different since living with me. He almost seems to prefer the company of those who have some disability, or some flaw or difference that sets them apart somehow. He knows it makes us deeper and a little more compassionate than someone who has always lived on easy street.

  Partner’s words

  “People will show their true colors on this issue, and, fault them or not, you’ll realize what their limitations are.”

  “I loom. I’ve got her back, making sure others get the message. She appreciates the backup as this is something she’s never had before.”

  10

  Home is where her heart is…and her body much of the time

  Aspies are notorious homebodies. It is the one place where we can control all the elements, and where other people do not enter except with our permission. It is an extension of ourselves. Because of our need for a lot of downtime, our homes tend to be filled with objects related to our special interests, whether books, music, DVDs, instruments, tools, and they are often very unique, homey, special places. Even if they are a bit messy, the chaos will be organized (at least in her mind).

  What I’d like to talk about in this chapter is how hard it is to get her to leave the house sometimes. Perhaps she has a number of engrossing special interests, mainly things she likes to do from home—such as paint, write, play, research, design. Perhaps she doesn’t really like to leave the house to work, seeing it more as a disruption than anything else. This is normal for an Aspie. But just because she doesn’t like to leave the house does not mean she is lazy. Of course in this expensive world we live in, most adults need to earn money. Finding work that is rewarding and inspiring enough for us to stick to is worthy of another whole book, and I did write extensively about it in Asperger’s on the Job (2010a).

  But understand she is not indolent, just because her idea of a dream job is one she can do in her pajamas. I love those days/weeks where I have nothing more than a book to work on, for things that I have to get out of the house for on a schedule fill me with dread. Even though many Aspies are great business people, and have many marketable skills, we have to find the right situ
ation, or create it ourselves. The world of ordinary work is often unkind to us, especially undiagnosed, unsupported Aspies. Every time we start a job, it isn’t long before people, not the actual tasks, make things complicated. If work was just about work, she’d be fine. But it is a social situation, one that she probably has little control over. She may hate her job, simply because bullies are making what could be a wonderful, or at least tolerable, experience into something extremely unpleasant. If there are mean people or poor conditions at work, every molecule of her body will rail against going there.

  Think that she is impractical? That is a concern, but understand that jobs that don’t involve her passion will bore her, and hold her interest only briefly. You may have heard her say “I want to be an artist” or some other thing that is difficult to make money at. Should you scoff? No. Never underestimate her ingenuity and fortitude. You probably have witnessed this—when she wants to do something, she usually finds a way…her own way.

  Her obsessions may border on the obscure, or impractical. Maybe to you they are just plain weird. It might be anime, it might be insects. She may have the largest selection of clothing tags you’ll ever see. She might be able to recite the dialogue of her favorite films by heart. These are things that make her happy. Don’t put down her interests by saying she’s too obsessive or that they are a waste of time. That’s what we do as Aspies. Instead, help her brainstorm ways of turning those avocations into vocations. There are ways of finding out what makes your girl tick and there are ways of putting that to profit. For example, if she is very controlling and keeps lots of lists, imagine what a good office manager she might make. Some of us do love going out to work, and do so happily and successfully, partly because it is some sort of a social life, in a controlled environment where everyone has a role. The trick is to find the right situation. Self-employment, being her own boss, could be another option. In Aspergers on the Job, I created something called a Personal Job Map that can really help, and it is something you could help her fill out. It’s quite a lot of fun, and if you take your time and do it right and honestly it really works.

  Assuming she currently has a partner (you), and especially if you are the primary bread winner, she can use this opportunity to work on turning her special interests into a career. It is often only when the partner leaves, that a woman is forced to find work that is high-paying enough to sustain a family. Presumably you don’t want this to happen, but you should still encourage her not to become complacent. Even if you never plan to leave her, you might find yourself made redundant, or something else that could make it necessary for her to earn a living. She should be prepared for that as well as fulfilling her reason for being here. I believe we on the spectrum are given our special interests and obsessions for a reason. We just need to figure out what that reason is.

  Even once she does have a fulfilling job and life, there will always be days that she will be a couch potato, that she will have to cocoon. Let’s not forget Tony Attwood’s advice of one hour of down time for every hour of socializing. If she works with others, that counts as social time. You have to allow her to be a sloth at times, with unkempt hair, stuffing popcorn into a makeup-free face as she sits at computer or watches a film or whatever engrosses her completely and takes her away from thinking about her life for a while. If she doesn’t get this downtime, this decompression, all sorts of little unpleasantries can happen, such as insomnia, meltdowns, headaches, depression, and turning you into a newt… Just kidding with that last one.

  The world is a very daunting place for an Aspie, and when she’s not coping, it isn’t that she’s being “lazy,” or “childish,” or “stupid,” or she’s “turning on the waterworks.” She’s burnt out; she may not want to be, but she is. That’s when she needs something simple, something nice, something to control, and a break from all the effort it takes to get by in the “normal” world. Just because you can cope with it easily, doesn’t mean she’s the same.

  She may also have insomnia as many of us do. It’s very difficult to get up and go to work at eight when you wake at three a.m. and can’t get back to sleep until seven. In fact, most of this book was written in those wee hours. There are measures one can take to help with that as well, from fresh air and exercise to melatonin, to having more sex and, of course, medication if all else fails.

  When it comes to her special interests, they exist for a reason. What that reason is, might not become clear for a while. Disclaimer: It is natural, even productive, for her to be obsessed with information, but not with a person. If she’s overly fixated on someone as opposed to something, that is heading into dangerous waters.

  She may be idealistic; you will never cure that, but support it wisely with information. If I had known who and what I was, and had support, I’m quite certain that I’d have found more fulfillment and certainly more money than I did, much earlier. I write these books because I came up the hard way and don’t want others to have to tread that path. Help her to find a use for those talents that you know she has in a way that makes you both happy. When she is fulfilled as an individual, she’ll make a better partner. We need to lean on each other, but if one person is leaning too much, the balance is tipped and it does a disservice to both. That works both ways; while you might love having a stay-at-home woman, if she is seeking greater fulfillment and her rightful place in the world, support it.

  Partner’s words

  “I loved that she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and that she made our house a home.”

  11

  Even if you think of her as a woman, she might not

  The image one might have of a girl with Asperger’s may involve a shy waif clutching a book to her chest; multi-colored hair hovering over a Mac playing games; a porcelain-faced painter sweeping brush over canvas; perhaps you think of sensible shoes, placed under a drafting board or spectacles peering into a microscope; an anime lover or animal lover. But, do you think of power tools? Wrenches, lawn mowers, or flat-pack furniture being single-handedly assembled? Probably not, but she might.

  Gender roles and expectations come from societal norms and are imposed upon us. Some sprang from biological differences, but most seem to spring from illogical mindsets. For example, the myth of the superior male driver/bad female driver kept a lot of women in the passenger seat when it is a fact that most accidents are caused by young men. Much of what is expected of both genders is based on outdated social roles—man hunter-gatherer, woman cook and child raiser, etc., and even though that has changed—woman is now every bit as much hunter-gatherer as man is, the moment the plumbing leaks or the car stalls, it is usually the man who leaps to the challenge. Aspergirls buck this trend. If there’s a new computer to set up, or bluetooth device, if there’s a shipment of furniture from IKEA, if there are weeds to be whacked, she will push you out of the way, and proclaim, “This is my territory dear.” And you know this if your relationship is older than a week.

  She doesn’t understand society’s gender roles and may be unwilling or unable to conform to them. She has her own idea of personhood that has nothing to do with mainstream views of females. Even if she attempts to conform to that image, she won’t obey traditional female roles or stereotypes for long. I mentioned in Aspergirls that fathers might overlook this trait in their bookish, shy daughter, but hopefully as she has gotten older, this trait has ripened. Disclaimer: Some of us have certain coordination issues that do make operating heavy machinery (or even scissors in my own case) hazardous, but I think it’s safe to say we are gender-benders, at least in our own mind.

  This plays out in a relationship in a few ways. Early on in the courting stage, she may have been the one to ask you out. She may have pursued you, or even called you a little too much. But it took the pressure off of you to do the work, didn’t it? Sometimes things that we like about someone in the beginning, begin to grate on us after a while. She might take the reins too often in bed, in conversation, in the types of things you do with your day. This is not becau
se she is a pushy, aggressive personality. It is that she is a person, not a woman, in her mind. I mention in the chapter on sex (Chapter 13) that this can be challenging for the male partner, as it may challenge his own idea of masculinity. He must be secure in his own self, and comfortable with a woman who has no problem disagreeing with him, who challenges his arguments, who is as cerebral as she is emotional (if not more so), so that this doesn’t cause problems for them both sexually and in every other way.

  She may not let her own cherished interests and career goals take a back seat to yours. These are the fuel which drives her engine, and without them, she might break down and rust away like an old car. She can become highly depressed and largely inert without being able to act on her obsessions. That is why it is important that information and activities are her obsession, and not other people, who may have agendas of their own that don’t involve her. This is also why, as I mentioned in the last chapter, you need to make sure she isn’t a stay-at-home wife or mother because she’s hiding from the world, but rather because that is where she really belongs at the moment.

  Once again I want to make clear, that I do not mean she should get her way all the time, and you should be reduced to wearing high heels and apron while holding the baby on your hip (although if you want to, she’d probably be okay with that). I mean that your relationship is your relationship, not society’s, not your parents’, or your friends’, or anyone else’s. It’s a clean slate, to make of it what you will. You might think that this doesn’t apply to your girl, but if she is on the spectrum, and she is very feminine in appearance and demeanor, then she has either mimicked to the point of genius, or she has actually taken that on as a special interest. Even the most outwardly feminine of us, will still be gender-benders on the inside. I’ve spoken to many straight Asperger women who had phases of living as a lesbian, or bisexual, or even transgender, for long periods of time, until they figured out it wasn’t quite what was needed for them, and that they just needed to express their more male side, unfettered, for a while. One of the reasons we probably won’t have many NT female friends, is that we believe that NT females are competitive, where we are not, in terms of wanting to be higher in the pecking order, getting male attention, etc. We tend to be (like male Aspies) more comfortable with the opposite sex because of this, as well as with people not of our own age group.