by Inez Kelley
Their boots crunched across the salted concrete and echoed on the icy steps. Jinx took his key out and fitted it into the lock, and her panic exploded. She grabbed his hand.
“Promise me something.” Her voice shivered from cracked lips. The cold had seeped into her bones but it wasn’t the weather that made her tremble. It was desperation. “Promise me there isn’t a ring box under my tree.”
Lip tilted at one side, he leaned in and brushed a soft kiss to her frosty mouth. Tucking a wayward strand of hair behind her ear, he stroked her cold cheek. “I promise there’s not a ring box under your tree.”
A cloud of white burst from her lips. Only then did she realize she had been holding her breath. A crescendo of happiness flooded her. Once again, she was granted a reprieve. The night suddenly seemed filled with expectation rather than trepidation. Before she could catch it, a hearty laugh poured from her throat.
Heat washed over them as they shed their coats and kicked off wet boots. Hocus came racing down the stairs and launched himself at Jinx. He caught the cat, who purred like a diesel engine.
“Traitor,” she teased, petting the feline. “You sure got over your hatred of men fast.”
“All it took was a little drunken feline-to-beer-owner bonding. I knew he’d come around. I am pretty irresistible, you know.” The sparkle in his smile stole her breath and her heart leapt. Ice crystals clung to his hair, shimmering as they melted into ebony. Gawd, how I love him.
A loud meow drew their attention to the top landing. Pocus hurried down the first seven steps before stopping still. A familiar glazed look came over his eyes and he went rigid.
“Pocus!” she called in alarm but it was too late. The midnight cat tumbled end over end to the foot of the stairs. He lay there, motionless. With a cry of distress, Frannie ran to her pet. Jinx hovered nearby, concern etched on his face as he let the twin cat go free.
“Should I call the vet?”
Frannie collapsed on her bottom and shook with mirth. The cat scooped in her arms, she leaned against the wall and gave into the giggles that racked her frame. “He’s snoring! The damn thing never even woke up.”
The cat came awake with a start, realized it was being held like a baby and squirmed for release. He shot between Jinx’s feet the second he was turned loose and headed for his food bowl.
“Dollface, that cat isn’t right. Can’t you get some medication for him or something?”
“I tried that. It didn’t work. I just have to accept him as he is, flaws and all.”
Head shaking with disbelief, Jinx entered the living room. Frannie followed then stopped short. Mouth open and eyes bugged, she stared. Beside her artificial tree stood a monstrosity of candy cane wrapping paper. Nearly as tall as the tree, it dominated the wall. Her chair had been shoved to one side and the gift wrap spilled over onto the braided rug. It was definitely not a ring box. Thank Gawd!
Jinx wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and warmth surrounded her. “Surprise.”
“That is not a surprise. That is a heart attack. What’s in there?”
Taking her hand in his, Jinx drew her to the middle of the room. “You’re going to have to wait and see. That comes last. I have something else for you first. And I spy a gift or two under the tree with my name on it.”
Dying of curiosity, Frannie lit a few candles. The scent of cinnamon spice and evergreen wafted in the air. She snapped the TV to the all-music station so low carols filled the room and Jinx stoked the fire. On her tiptoes, she tried to peek at the huge gift, but Jinx pulled her away with a laugh. From his pocket, he held a crumpled bit of fake mistletoe over her head. Suddenly, Christmas magic blossomed.
The world stopped and time ceased to exist. It was the happiest time of year. She loved the man standing in front of her and he would not be leaving her tonight. She melted into his arms and kissed him with every ounce of love she felt. Tongues dancing in soft rhythm, she ran her fingers through his hair and down the back of his neck. Solid stone, his chest pressed into her breasts, creating a pleasant sense of contentment. It felt so right to be in his arms. Enchantment shaded the moment and she folded the memory into her heart. This was going to be the most perfect Christmas of her life.
The firelight flickered in his eyes, golden flames on a bed of obsidian. He stepped back and tugged her to sit beside him in front of the tree. Unable to break contact completely, she let her hand rest on his knee.
“Me first.” Nose crinkled in play, she pulled a gaily wrapped box from the small pile and handed it to him.
Like an eager toddler, he ripped into the paper. His laughter was loud and deep. Kellogg’s Froot Loops, a can of Planter’s nuts, a tin of fruitcake, a deck of Crazy Eight cards, a Looney Tunes DVD and a handmade certificate for a one-way ticket on the Bipolar Express were neatly arranged inside white tissue paper.
“It’s a Crazy Box.” He cupped a hand around her neck and pulled her into his kiss. “I love it. You make me crazy. Thank you.”
Cheeks stained with a hot blush, Frannie excitedly grabbed the gift he pulled from beneath the tree. It was the size of a loaf of bread but much heavier. Still not a ring box. Hallelujah! Shiny green paper gave way to stiff cardboard. She opened the box and her breath stopped. An antique doll with lace knickers, shiny curls and a porcelain face pouted up at her. Reverently, she cradled the doll, its rich blue velvet dress soft on her fingers. A tiny repair had been done to the lace edging and white had turned to eggshell, but the beauty was still there. It was a collector’s item, she was sure.
“After Becca died—” Jinx’s voice cracked and he cleared his throat. “Everything seemed too raw, too…loud. I walked away from a great job and a great apartment and didn’t care. Grandma was still alive then so I stayed with her awhile.” A wry smile twisted his lips in memory. “One night I tried to explain one of the latest graphic innovations to her and she snorted and left the room. She came back and handed me that doll. She’d had it for over eighty years and brought it from Ireland as a child.”
Frannie’s fingers traced the tiny stitches, her mind viewing a small girl playing Mommy, lovingly repairing her baby’s dress. The poignant image was powerful and sweet and took away what breath she had left in her body.
“Grandma told me for something to really last, to be loved enough to keep forever, it has to stimulate the heart, not the brain. The idea for Buddies’ Toys was born that minute. I didn’t want to make the newest, latest and bestselling thing that would last until the next thing came along. I wanted something that would last, that meant something. I wanted something real. I guess the doll was kind of a talisman, a symbol for me.”
Infinity shone in his eyes. Blurry eyed, Frannie wanted to drown in the inky pools. The love shining on his face was so bright, she desperately wanted to believe him. Her heart ached with the sweetness of his tale and her fingers trembled against the doll’s soft ringlets. He touched her cheek with a gentle caress.
“Look at her, Frannie. Look at the doll.”
With a sniff, Frannie wiped her eyes and looked down. Her reflection in porcelain stared back. The doll looked like her. A soft gasp spilled out.
“Destiny strikes again, dollface.”
“Jinx…this is too precious. I can’t accept this.”
“I want you to have it. I don’t need it anymore. I found you.”
Her eyes slid closed in love. No real man was this sweet. The entire night was an illusion, a beautiful, touching, going-to-make-some-wonderful-memories-to pull-out-and-touch dream. For the moment, both he and the doll were hers and she hugged the fragile toy to her chest. Both she would have to give back but not tonight. An ache grew, a burning need to touch his soul as he had hers, to show him wordlessly how much he meant to her. Her quivering lips tilted with her smile.
“I think it’s the right time to give you your real gift now.”
Still holding her doll, she handed him a small flat envelope. It didn’t look like much but she hoped he’d understand what it
contained. It was the outpouring of her heart. Curious, he took the envelope and slid his finger under the half-sealed flap. The sound of tearing paper was loud in the quiet room. Shadows danced to “The Christmas Song” and skated across Jinx’s face as he read. Curiosity faded to shock then to amazement and finally to tenderness. He looked at her with wide damp eyes.
“You said Becca had a soft spot for kids. Making children’s dreams come true through the Make-A-Wish program in her name seemed a fitting memorial. I chose three children for her, two girls and a boy, just like she wanted. She made a huge difference to three lives, granted wishes for three kids who had no other hope. It’s kind of like making her their guardian angel. I don’t think she’d have minded, do you?”
Lips bit against emotion, Jinx pulled her into his lap. His strong arms embraced her and he stroked her hair. She squeezed him back, delighted her gift made him happy. She had found a way to use her bonus without taking what didn’t belong to her. Because she knew she had no claim to Jinx, she’d never felt a second’s resentment towards his first love. Becca was his past, she was his now and someone else would have his future. But for this minute, she had touched his heart. It was enough.
“Frannie, you have no idea… It’s perfect. She would’ve loved it. I love it. Thank you.”
Eyes closed tight, she hugged him a little harder before pulling back. The “Little Drummer Boy” barumpbabumbummed in the background as she stroked his cheek. His hands holding her face, he pressed a soft, sweet kiss to her lips. The gentle touch held countless emotions and flavors. She tasted the bittersweetness of remembered love, the tang of gratitude and the savory essence of attraction. The magical fragrance of Christmas hung in the air and stretched the moment until the devilish lift of his lip shifted the night.
“Ready for your big present?” Eyebrows wiggling, the tease in his tone was full of mischief and she laughed in his face before leaping to her feet. She approached the gift slowly.
“Does it bite? I’m almost afraid of it.”
“I don’t think so. Open it and see.”
Excitement shivered down her arms and she rubbed her hands together gleefully. Jinx was so unpredictable she had no idea what could be behind the monstrous paper. He had obviously wrapped it himself because it was hideous. Bits of scotch tape strained to hold together crookedly cut ends, and at least three holes had been patched. He couldn’t make paper ends meet to save his soul. It was another tender tidbit to store in her mind. He had tried, though, and the effort softened her heart.
Joy erupted in her and spilled out with a warm giggle. She snatched the big red bow off and looped the ribbon around her neck. The ends fluttered against her thighs as she stretched to reach the highest point of the paper. It tore with a loud roar and she gasped.
He got me a unicorn.
Filled with sweet elation, she couldn’t take her eyes off the gift of magic. The white merry-go-round horse stood frozen in a full reared-back position, its black hooves captured as it pawed the air. The shiny pole in its back was eclipsed by the tall purple spiraled horn on its head. The red-and-gold saddle glinted in the firelight against the hide of painted alabaster. Glassy sapphire eyes flickered, almost alive in the fire’s glow. It was pure childhood imagination.
Enchanted, she stroked the glossy coat. “Your wish is my command,” he’d whispered and he had delivered in a huge way. She’d set him an impossible task and he’d come through. Like a knight on a quest, he offered her requested longings. She couldn’t stop touching the sleek lines. It was exquisite. He stood and she launched herself into his arms. He held her with solid arms, smiling into her face.
“Jinx, I love it! You found me a unicorn.”
“Look at his horn, Frannie.”
Traveling up the silvered horn, she spied a glimmer of gold at the very tip. Her breath slammed to a stop and her heart knocked in her ribs.
No!
Jinx took the diamond ring from the unicorn’s horn and knelt before her on one knee. Her hand in his, he slid the jewelry on her heart finger and kissed her fingertips. There was no earthquake but Frannie felt herself pitch to and fro. A kaleidoscope swirled in her vision and she couldn’t focus on anything but the shiny bauble on her hand.
He still believed in fairytales.
He couldn’t do this.
He’d done it.
It was over.
I love him.
I lost him.
“I love you, my Frannie. Will you marry me?”
“No.”
The smile slid from his face like ice cream drips down a cone. Deep grooved lines appeared on his forehead as he screwed up his eyebrows in confusion. “What? What do you mean no?”
“I mean no.” Struggling to prevent her voice from cracking, she wrenched the ring from her finger and put it in his palm, curling his fingers around it.
Still on one knee, his chest began to heave. Silently, he shook his head and stood. “You don’t mean that.”
“I do mean it, Jinx. I’m sorry.”
Almost frantic, he gripped her upper arms and shook her slightly. “I don’t understand. Why?”
Her eyes closed in agony, she bit her lip and steeled herself. This is where the lying begins. The truth is too humiliating. This is where I hurt him so he can move on, find someone who deserves him. Cold water on a hot fire. Like taking off a Band-Aid, do it fast. Get it over with.
“No.”
“No what? Frannie, what’s going on?” Puzzlement clouded his gypsy eyes. Her fingers itched to stroke his brow but she held them stiffly at her side.
“No, I won’t marry you.” Please don’t make this harder. Just go.
“Look me in my face, straight into my eyes, and tell me you don’t love me.”
His words surrounded her and shards of her heart began collapsing. Yes, I love you. But I’m not good enough. You’ll leave me. Destroy me. Hate me. I can’t live with that. Cries of mental declarations sounding in her ears, she drew a deep breath and stared directly into his eyes. Her voice never wavered.
“I don’t love you.”
Heartbreak has a physical form. It catches you like a gunshot and rips into your soul.
Jinx jerked as if he felt the emotional bullet slam into his chest. He actually took a step back and stumbled. A gaping wound opened in her heart and pain poured out rather than blood. The ribbon around her neck felt heavy, chain-like, and she welcomed the slight scratch on her skin. Anything to distance herself from his obvious suffering. His incredulity robbed his skin of color and he made a painful sound of despair. The ring slipped from his hand, bounced on the rug and lay there.
His eyes locked on her face, he stared at her. One lone tear glistened in his eyes. It slipped over the ridge of his lashes then his mouth hardened in anger.
That’s it. Get mad. Get so angry you can’t feel the pain. It’s not real anyway, it’s an illusion. It will pass quickly. I promise.
“You’re lying.” The words flew at her like darts from a blow gun.
Of course I am. It’s called self-preservation.
“No, I’m not.”
“Damn it, Frannie, you’re wrong. You are lying. To yourself.”
She simply shook her head, unable to voice the lie once again. With a growl like a wounded animal, he spun around, raked his hand through his hair and paced. Once she had seen a lion pace the limits of his cage and that image sprang to her mind. Caged. He wanted what she couldn’t give. He already had her heart, but she couldn’t give the last bit of self-worth.
Without warning, he whipped around and pointed at her. Like razor wire, his voice bit into her heart, slicing pieces away.
“You’re afraid. You’re afraid to let down your guard and believe in us because of Mark. You’ve got your tidy little world all wrapped up in a safe little package and I make you want to step out of it. I’m not going to hurt you, Frannie. But you’re too damned scared to trust me. I’m not your fucking ex-husband!”
She said nothing, just looked a
t him with dry eyes. The knot in her throat couldn’t be swallowed so she didn’t even try. Woodenly, she allowed him to vent his frustration, to use her as a verbal whipping post. It was the least she could do. She deserved every lash.
The pacing continued, fast and furious. Turning on her once more, she flinched at the icy bitterness in his normally laughing eyes. Bitterness she had put there. But bitterness was better than hatred. And better than resentment.
“You can’t tell me you feel nothing for me. I don’t believe that, not after last night. I held you, heard you scream my name, felt you give in while I was inside you. That’s not a lie. That’s love.”
Deliberately, coldly, she fired the last shot. The kill shot. The one meant to end it all. To put them both out of their misery.
It sounds cruel, but it’s a mercy killing, I promise.
“Don’t flatter yourself. The sex was great, but I don’t have to give my heart to my lovers to have an orgasm. If that were the case, I’d end up married to my vibrator. But the sex was incredible, Jinx. That part doesn’t have to end. You’re good in bed. That’s enough for me.”
The insult sank home. He recoiled as distaste flashed on his face. A hood of revulsion spread over him and he grabbed his jacket. Shoving his feet into his boots, he glared at her. “No, thanks. I don’t give stud service.”
“Your choice.” The nonchalance in her words made him wince. They might have done the same to her had she not been numbed by utter misery. Nothing was left of her heart except a hull, an empty casing.
“Yeah, my choice, but your loss. You want to be alone? Be alone. Buy some rechargeable batteries and knock yourself out. Sit here alone with your two cats, your romance books and your ball-less tree. You call me crazy? Fine, but at least I live life. I don’t hide from it like it might bite me in the ass.”
Her vision narrowed, she saw through a pinhole as he jerked his arms into his jacket. The zipper grated upwards with a shrill whiz. Lips dry, she licked them with a parched tongue.
“Merry Christmas, Jinx. I had fun.”
Hot as hellfire, his angry eyes whipped to hers. The “fun” of last night leapt to her mind and she winced. She hadn’t meant to degrade that special moment, it just came out wrong. It came out like a bullet shot directly into his heart. The impact obliterated his control.
