Great, what are they going to do when I come back?
Maybe I shouldn’t come back.
Work
I sat at my desk, thinking about how it was all going to work. I went to the doctors and he said I was officially nine weeks pregnant. In less than three weeks, I would see a scan where I could see the little fellow.
What a mess? How did this happen?
Okay, so I knew the answer to that question, but how did life get so complicated? I knew the answer to that question too. It happened at Carol’s wedding.
One of my best friends from school was getting married and she called me up and asked me to be her bridesmaid. What they all failed to inform me (on purpose) was that Paul was going to be there. Mum told Carol to say there was only space for one, so I couldn’t bring that idiot. Those were the words Mum used to describe Steve.
Carol doesn’t like Steve either, so she was quite happy to make that rule. I went to the wedding alone and saw him there, all dressed up, the man that I had fallen in love with at school, the man who broke my heart. My heart melted as soon as I saw his face.
He hurt me a lot, that’s how I ended up in London, to get as far away from him as possible. I heard that he got married soon after I left. His wife was the typical Yorkshire woman housewife, so I found out. Only, she wasn’t so typical, because as soon as she gave birth she ran off with another man.
He told me that he broke my heart because all I ever wanted from life was to be a big time consultant. All he ever wanted from life was to grow up on the farm that his Grandfather built, which was what he was doing now. I could see his muscles crying out to me, bulging through his shirt when he took of his jacket. That ass, those abs — I just couldn’t resist!
Until Carol got married I used to think that all I ever wanted was the bright lights and the big city. After the wedding and that night with Paul, I returned to London and it just felt too loud. It was overcrowded and it stunk.
“So, I told her that no, her and Steve haven’t split up because his willy is small. I mean, that’s a crap reason to split up with someone…”
It was Chatty Cathy talking about something, she usually doesn’t even need anyone to talk to, I didn’t even realize she was speaking to me.
“Sorry, what did you say?” were my ears deceiving me, had Mrs. Meldrew posted it on the Internet or something?
“Steve, your Steve, and his dick.”
“Yes, but how do you know?”
It hit home. Trust me to live two doors away from Chatty Cathy’s Aunt. Sod’s law.
“My aunt sent me the picture, silly,” she said as she patted me on the arm. I watched her cross her legs, sitting and waving her hands up and down as she discussed the size of my boyfriend’s manhood.
Why, oh why did I come to work today? I’m not in the mood.
I sent out an email. I had no meetings and no need to be in work. Okay, so everyone has a need to work and earn money, but I wasn’t really working, I was just procrastinating and thinking about what to do with my life.
I stood, rubbed my belly and then thought again, no, our lives.
Face-To-Face
Sophie went to France for a weekend with Graham, the guy she had been sleeping with the day that I confessed I was pregnant. They exchanged numbers and had been shagging ever since.
Steve hadn’t called me once. I wasn’t too sad because I hadn’t thought about him much and had been too busy checking out what benefits I would be entitled to and what I would do when I had the baby. There was too much to think about and I was heading towards my second trimester. I wasn’t showing yet though, so it was still my little secret.
There was only one person that really needed to know, and that was mum because she was going to be a grandma. My parents got divorced when I was young, dad left and he never came back. He tried to come back a couple of times, trying to get in my Mum’s knickers, but when she said no he left again. He never really worried about me. It used to bother me when I was young but as I got older it stopped.
I realized that this was the main reason I never wanted to have kids or to settle down. I was scared about my choices in men and when I met Steve, who never really wanted anything, it felt like a safe bet. Although that safe bet later felt like a very stupid one.
My auntie Joan, my mum’s sister, had been happily married for 40 years and had two kids. Then, there was Uncle Pete, mum’s brother, who had also had a lot of success in love. Not quite 40 years but they were happily married and had been for years.
Uncle Pete was my surrogate father and he played that role well. And not to forget about Grand-dad, who was my knight in shining armor. I’d decided that having a good family network was the key.
I was going to be brave. I didn’t feel like being in the flat by myself and I missed my mummy. It had been exactly twelve weeks since I had last seen her and she kept asking me to visit, saying she had something to tell me. I had something to tell her myself.
***
“Look at my little Pumpkin, you’re getting so big. You look like a pumpkin, like you did on Halloween.”
“Mum, that was because I was dressed as a pumpkin.”
“Were you dear?”
“Yes, why else would I look like a pumpkin?”
“Well, I did paint you orange and you were a little round when you were younger.”
Oh my gosh, all those years, I thought I was a pumpkin. I dropped my bag and rushed to get the photo album.
Was I really just in orange? Did I not have a pumpkin costume on? How could I be so blind!
“Darling, are you alright?”
“Of course I am, Mother, I just need to find the photo.”
As I searched through the photo album, Mum said, “I have never seen you so flustered it’s just like you’re…”
“Here it is…” I shouted as I found the picture. To my horror, she was right. I was just painted orange, wearing what looked like a black lycra suit. I was fat and I never knew. Then I remembered the torture and the bullying. Those memories must have been hidden away, locked in my subconscious, but then they all came out — drowning me, tormenting me. I was bullied; I was a victim.
“Darling, why are you crying?”
“I was fat and all this time I thought I was a pumpkin.”
“What, all the time?”
“Sorry?” I asked, trying to wipe the tears from my eyes.
“I mean, it is strange you focused on that one photo. What about all the rest?”
“You took them down.”
“No, you took them down. When you lost the weight in your teens, you said you didn’t need reminding of how ugly you were. I mean, you were never ugly, you just had a few extra pounds on you. They were your photos, so I didn’t argue.”
“I don’t remember those conversations, or anything.”
“You erased them when your dad left,” she said, handing me a cup of tea.
I was wounded. I needed to get myself together, to stop acting like nothing mattered. The first stop was to get rid of Steve.
Honesty
What started as a long weekend with Mum turned into a long week. I called work and told them that she was not well, which was not far from the truth. At times, I wondered if all the screws were there.
Talking of screws, it seemed like I would have a new step-father. After all those years Mum decided to start dating. I had been telling her to for years. She said she woke up one day and decided she didn’t want to be alone anymore. I told her that she had me, then she graphically described all the things that her new beau, Mark, could do, which was too much information for me.
She joined matching.com, which was even more odd. I still had visions of teaching her how to use an ATM . Not sure how she managed to buy a computer, let alone figure out how to turn it on. The neighbors’ daughter probably helped her. There was no way that my mum logged on and figured out how to Google, no way.
What made the situation even funnier was that she ended up with someone that sh
e used to go to school with. I found that romantic, for years they went their own way and then they found each other again. Truth be told, they never liked each other at school, never even spoke. He thought she was stuck up and Mum thought he was lazy. He was a bit laid back, and Mum relaxed as she aged, not like when I was younger. They were spending all of their time together, he practically lived at her house. They’d been inseparable ever since they hooked up, six months previous.
I asked why she never told me about him and she simply said, “I’m in love, can you believe it?” I really couldn’t. It was strange to see a grown woman excited about a man, but she was excited when he called, when she called, and sometimes they were in the same room sending text messages. Technology seemed wasted on old folk just don’t go.
It was confession day. Mum said I needed to tell Steve the truth and he shouldn’t worry because the baby wasn’t his. I asked how she was so sure and she claimed it was woman’s institution. “God wouldn’t punish us all by making another Steve.”
Where have I heard that before?
I was waiting for him to pick up the phone. It was nearly four weeks since I moved out and we had still not been in contact; obviously, there was no love between us. Just the idea of speaking to him made me feel sick.
“Hello.”
“Oh, hello,” I responded in shock. Was it my imagination or was that a woman’s voice?
“Hello.”
Ermm, didn’t we just say that!
I shouted exactly what I was thinking, “Who the hell are you?”
“Sorry? You’re the one who called.”
“Yes, I called my house. Now, who are you?”
“You’re confused, love. This is my boyfriend’s Steve’s house, I just moved in.”
“You moved what?” I asked.
Is this really happening? Is another woman picking up the phone to my house and saying she just moved in?
“Look, I don’t know who you are or why you’re calling. My man is in the shower and I think I’m going to join him, so you can call him later? Much later.”
“What? What?” I repeated after she put the phone down. I was sitting with my mouth wide open, trying to comprehend what was going on.
Mum rushed over to me, I knew she had been secretly hiding behind the door, listening to the conversation. She patted me on the back, “What did he say?”
“He said nothing, Mum. His new girlfriend picked up the phone and now she’s going to join him in the shower.”
“What, this time of day?” she asked. I stare at her, confused.
“I mean, it’s not even lunchtime yet. Me and Mark…” I refused to listen to any more. I stood up, went up to my room to cry.
Am I that insignificant? Do I mean that little to him?
That must have been his plan. You move out, I have nowhere to go. Which really meant: you move out, I move in a woman who’ll join me in the shower while you’re away.
How can I ever go back now?
It wasn’t so much the fact that it was over, I knew that. Maybe it was my hormones playing up on me. I felt confused. I called to tell him that I was expecting a baby and that it might be his, and I was greeted by his new beau, in my house!
As I reached my room and sat on the bed, I decided to call Sophie, she would calm me down and know what to say. As she picked up the phone, I quickly tell her about the story and she was in shock. She asked, “What, this time of day? I mean it’s not even lunchtime!”
Deja-vu. I hung up the phone and laid down on the bed, questioning what lunchtime has to do with going in the shower mid-day.
Seriously, did I miss something?
Countdown
After the phone call I packed my bags and headed home. I was going to get Steve and his girlfriend out of my house. Mum wanted to go with me, but she saw the fire in my eyes and knew that look too well. She changed her mind. I sent her a text when I was on the M4, saying, “Gone, to get the shit out of my house.”
She replied back, “Why did you tell me you needed some chocolate from Sainsburys?”
That’s what I told her when I left the house, if I told her the truth she would have gone with me. I needed to do it alone. I needed to get him and this Poppy woman out.
I called back and apparently he had been seeing her for months. She said he took the plunge and asked her to move in, telling her that his wife had left him.
***
When I arrived at the house I saw Mrs. Meldrew on the driveway. She was running up to me like a cat in heat. For an old woman, she could move.
“You won’t believe what he’s done!”
“Good afternoon Mrs. Meldrew.” She was dying to tell me about it. The five hour drive had not only calmed me down, but it had exhausted me. I didn’t have the strength I did when I left.
“Yes, yes good afternoon. Dear, you need to be told something before you go in there. I need to tell you…”
“I know, he’s got some woman in there.”
“In your house.”
“I know.”
“They’re always having sex, not sure how they manage with that small thing.”
“How do you know?”
“It’s like a bad porno movie. Not that I’ve watched any…” she whispered in my ear, in case anyone was listening. She then told me all that had been going on in my house. I stood there and listened to her, forgetting the reason I went there in the first place.
“Like yesterday lunchtime, of all times.”
What is it with everyone and having sex during lunchtime?
I knew exactly where this conversation was heading.
“I mean, your stairway is right near the window. Those beautiful windows you had installed, took you months to get permission to install them. I remember it like it was yesterday.”
She may as well move in, she knows more about my house than I do!
“Anyway, there she goes, that Poppy. I mean, if she had a figure to die for it may not be so bad, said Mr. Meldrew, but she has too many flaws. So, there I am taking Bobby, my dog Bobby that is, for his lunch time stroll and what do I see?”
“What?”
I knew what she was going to tell me.
“I see Poppy naked running up the stairs. Well, if she was running it wouldn’t be too bad, but she was walking up the stairs. Then, I think SDS—”
“What’s SDS?”
“Small dick Steve, that’s what we all call him. Anyway, he comes out of the shower and starts giving it to her on the wall. We all saw it, just giving it to her from behind with her tits plastered on the window. She has no class, no class I tell you.”
“Yeah.”
“Nasty.”
“Horrible.”
“It’s on Youtube.”
I turn around to see that most of my neighbors have congregated on my driveway and are talking about it.
“You want to see it?” Tommy asked from across the road. “My Dad says it helps him sleep at night.”
Everyone shook their heads in disgust. Was I supposed to say – Sure, I’ll like to see SDS with another woman? I looked at them, bewildered, and looked again to the front door. I didn’t know whether to go in or just get in the car and drive back to Mum’s. As if she could read my thoughts, she said, “You go dear. Are you staying with your mum?”
I nodded and then I saw Mum and Paul pull into the driveway.
“I told him what’s going on. He insisted on coming down here with me.” My mum said, out of breath. The way she was breathing, it was like she ran all the way there.
I was surrounded by my neighbors. They were all huddling around me like the time that Mrs. Meldrew lost her first dog, Kevin. I thought about the times the neighbors have supported me and each other. They had always been there to lend a hand.
It’s time to move on.
I made a move towards Paul’s car. He moved in front of me and kissed me on the forehead. Mum helped me get into the back of the car before holding me. I left my house and car and wave my neighbor
s goodbye with a tear rolling down my cheek. As I wipe it, I said to my house, “We had some good times, didn’t we?”
Paul
As we stopped at the service station, I told Paul, “I’m pregnant.”
“I know.”
“Who told you?”
“Your mum did.”
“Gosh, she’s got a big mouth.”
“She was worried and didn’t want Mark there, she wanted me.”
“Why you?”
“Cause, from the day I let you go I’ve regretted it.”
Mum came back into the car and was blabbering about the queue — the amount of people that were waiting for the toilet and what they all looked like. Her words fell on deaf ears because there was only one thing I was thinking about. Paul had said he regretted letting me go, but what did that mean? Either way, I had just lost my house; my car and possibly my job. I wasn’t sure about starting a relationship.
***
The next day Sophie came and visited me. I told her about my trip and she felt bad about not being there for me. She couldn’t get her eyes off Paul. She kept going on about how he was such a catch. They were all doing it.
“So, what is Paul up to today?” Mum asked whenever I got up in the morning. I used to have a routine, but that stopped. I just feel fat, ugly, homeless, carless, manless and just useless.
“Dunno.”
“Why not give him a call?” asked Sophie as we all sat at the breakfast table, or was it lunch? I couldn’t make it out, but it was a lot of food.
“Dunno.”
“Is that your answer to everything? If you’re miserable when the baby comes then your baby will be miserable too.”
“Possibly,” I replied, but did I really care?
“I’ll call Paul”, said Mark.
What, he’s on the game too; they’re all flipping on the game. Paul, Paul, Paul that is all I hear all day and night long. Maybe mum’s right, I should call him or see him again.
I was in my second trimester and I hadn’t explained the whole situation to him properly. Whenever he came around I stayed in my room; I couldn’t deal with him being nice and wanting to be with me when I looked horrible and felt even worse. No, it was better that way; just me and my baby until I figured out what I was going to do with my life. Though I only had four months to figure it out.
Six Shades of Romance Page 2
