by Adele Geras
‘We can still see each other, can’t we? Have a drink every so often?’
‘I guess. It won’t be the same, but it’s better than nothing.’ He got up and started dressing. ‘Actually, there’s rather a lot I’ve got to do today, what with the Nativity Play, so perhaps …’
I could take a hint. ‘Okay, no problem. I’ve got stuff to do too. I ought to run an errand for Eva. She needs supplies for her sewing and I might have to take her up to town or something. She’s busy doing the costumes for The Boy Friend. See you soon, okay?’
It was a lie. I knew Eva had gone to London to meet her friend Lissa but I needed to be on my own. I just wanted to be out of there. Part of me hurt a little. I’d come to rely on Tom, devoted, in the background. Even though I’d arrived at his house this morning meaning to pull back a bit from getting too involved. He held the door for me as I left and said, ‘Bye, Megan. Sorry it hasn’t worked out. See you soon.’ And he kissed me on both cheeks.
Even though I’d been thinking about dumping him, Tom had beaten me to it. He didn’t seem exactly heartbroken either, I told myself. It’s never pleasant to be given the push, but I was relieved in a way. We could still be friends, and I decided that I’d do everything I could to be nice to him, within strict limits. He’s a nice man, I told myself. He deserves to find someone who loves him, and I can’t. I looked at my watch. It was half past eleven and the weekend. I could drive home and go for a walk. The girls were out with Conor and Rowena visiting some friends and they weren’t due back till after five o’clock. The weather was perfect: sunshine and frosty air and pale blue skies. I’d go and have lunch in the Fox and Hounds. I would go the long way round, through the fields at the back of Salix House. I reckoned it was less than two miles. Walking would give me time to think.
I’d been striding along for about twenty minutes when I heard someone calling my name. I turned, thinking that perhaps Tom had come after me. I peered at a figure waving at me. The sun was in my eyes so I couldn’t see clearly but it looked like Luke Fielden. As he approached, he said, ‘Hello, Megan. How nice to run into you like this!’
‘How could you see who I was from so far away?’
‘I recognized your walk,’ he said. ‘I’m on my way to the Fox and Hounds for lunch.’
‘Oh,’ I said, wondering if I should admit that was where I was going too. ‘Do join me,’ he said. ‘I’d love some company. They do very nice Ploughman’s.’
‘Thanks,’ I said and added, ‘I was going there too. There’s no one at the house and it’s such a lovely day that I wanted to get out.’
‘Right,’ he said and we walked along in silence for a minute or two. Then he said: ‘Have you heard that my latest offer on the house has been accepted?’
‘Well …’ I didn’t know how to continue. I was thinking of Eva and how unhappy she would be at this news. Luke said, ‘You don’t have to be polite. I know how you feel about Mrs Conway leaving the house. I can see it’ll be hard for her, but there’s no way they can keep the house. That’s what Rowena’s said. And I’m sure Eva’ll find a place she likes in the end. I certainly hope so. I’d hate to be seen as the one driving her out of the home she loves. But like I said: if I don’t buy it, someone else will. ‘
‘I know,’ I said. ‘You’re right of course.’ I smiled at him. He was dressed in jeans and a Barbour jacket and had a scarf round his neck that looked like cashmere. Not wearing a suit made him more approachable. More normal. He didn’t seem a bit arrogant.
‘If you buy the house and the family moves to London,’ I said, ‘I can start looking for work as a journalist again.’
‘Yes, Eva told me that you worked at lipstick. You came to interview her, she said.’
‘That’s right. I’m not a nanny, even though Dee and Bridie are lovely and it’s not as bad a job as I feared it might be. Also I love Salix House and yes, I do feel sorry for Eva but of course you’re right.’ I wanted to add that if anyone was going to buy it I was glad it would be him, but before I could, we reached the pub and he said, ‘Let me buy you a drink and a Ploughman’s.’ I thanked him and went to sit at a small table to wait. I realized as I watched him crossing the pub with our drinks that I knew very little about him. I said so, as soon as he sat down.
‘Well, there’s nothing to know really. I’m thirty-seven years old. I work too hard. I’m going to buy Salix House. I’ve a sister called Marion who lives in Belstone. It’s one of the reasons I’ve been so keen to buy something in this area—’
I don’t know why I said what I said next. Maybe it was because he mentioned Salix House.
‘D’you believe in ghosts?’ I asked him suddenly and then paused because he didn’t answer at once. I added, ‘I’m sorry. Don’t answer if you don’t want to. It’s a bit of a mad question.’
Luke looked straight at me, unsmiling. ‘It depends what you mean by ghosts,’ he said at last, and he was speaking very quietly so that I had to lean forward a little to hear him. ‘I do still see them, or at least I think I’m seeing them. That’s my wife and son. Who are –,’ he looked down, taking a long time to get a sip of his beer – ‘dead. I’m a widower.’
‘Oh my God,’ I said, feeling sick with mortification. ‘I’m so sorry. I had no idea. That must be … how awful.’
‘I don’t mind talking about it. It’s been four years. My wife and baby son were killed. Really, Megan, there’s no need to apologize.’
There was nothing to say. I made a sound in my throat like a kind of groan and flailed about for words. I blinked back tears and couldn’t find anything to say that didn’t sound flat and inappropriate.
Luke went on: ‘They died in a car crash on the way back from the supermarket. Ridiculous sort of crash, out of nowhere. No adverse weather conditions, no bad roads, nothing strange or exotic. Just a common-or-garden fatal accident. She was going too fast … a bit too fast and someone else was going much too fast. There you go. Bad luck. Alison, Mattie and the other driver dead at the scene. Mattie should have been with me. He was often with me when Alison went shopping. He loved going in the trolleys and that day, he’d made such a fuss when we tried to suggest that he stayed at home. Alison was in a rush and she was shopping for a dinner party and didn’t want him distracting her. But in the end … well, I should’ve put my foot down and insisted he stayed with me. I didn’t insist. Part of me was happy, can you believe that? Relieved that I could do some work from home for a bit and didn’t have to be saddled with Saturday morning childcare. Jesus.’
Luke put one hand over his mouth and closed his eyes briefly. ‘And sometimes I think I’ve seen them. I’ll see a toddler, wearing the same kind of clothes, or a woman who walks just like Alison. On the street, in the shops. It’s not them, and I know it’s not but there’s a second when whoever it is looks enough like them to trick me. Just for a heartbeat. It’s happening less and less as time goes on. At the beginning … well. They were everywhere in the house. So I got rid of the house and bought a flat that was the exact opposite of what our home had been like.’ He smiled. ‘My flat is very modern and functional and minimalist. It’s hard to be minimalist when a kid’s around.’ He sounded like his normal self again and he began to talk about his upstairs neighbours who were from Switzerland and gave fondue parties every month. Then food came, and even though the talk had left the subject of his dead wife and child, I hardly noticed what I was swallowing.
‘It’s good, isn’t it?’ he asked.
‘Yes, it is,’ I said but the truth was I wouldn’t have cared one jot if it had been a burger and chips at McDonald’s. I was too busy readjusting my view of him. I’d thought of him as a bit stand-offish, but maybe he was simply unhappy. How long did it take to get over a bereavement like that? I wanted to ask him other questions but didn’t feel I knew him well enough. He said, speaking gently, ‘We can go on talking, you know. I didn’t mean to put a cloud over the day.’
‘No, it’s fine, really. It’s just …’ I wanted to say: It’
s so sad, but stopped myself in time. That would have been both stupid and obvious. I drank some of my cider.
He said, ‘Let’s talk about you. Are you actively looking for a job?’
‘No, I’m not. But I ought to start if the Fitzpatricks are going to move. I left London … well.’ I don’t know why I said what I said next but maybe it was because I was starting to like him. I said, ‘I sort of had to come here. I couldn’t stay in London. Couldn’t stay at lipstick. I had an affair with my boss. Simon was his name. Simon Gradwell. What happened was my fault. I knew from the start he was married. I didn’t … It was mad. And wrong of both of us, and I should have put a stop to it, I suppose. But I did love him. I thought, for a while, that he’d leave his wife but he didn’t. His wife became pregnant and he chose her. I can understand it.’
I must have sounded less cheerful than I was trying to be because Luke put out a hand and covered my hand and squeezed it. Then he took his hand away and said: ‘Don’t blame yourself, Megan. It’s a horrible thing to happen. Particularly bad that you felt you had to leave your job, but you’ll get over it and I’m sure it won’t be long before you find another job.’
‘Things are pretty dire in newspapers and magazines,’ I said. ‘I’m not sure many jobs are coming up.’
‘Look,’ Luke said, ‘Eva told me I shouldn’t say anything about this. She’s very protective of you and didn’t want you to be hurt, but you’ve brought up Simon Gradwell’s name and I feel it would be dishonest if I didn’t tell you at once that I know him a bit. Not at all well, but I run into him sometimes. I saw him just the other day. I was in the hospitality tent at a rugby match. He was with his wife, who was very obviously pregnant. Oh God, Eva will be angry with me now. I hope you aren’t—’
‘What? What did you say?’
‘Megan? What’s wrong? You’ve gone quite white, Megan. What’s the matter?’
‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I must have misheard you.’ I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I counted to ten and then opened them again to see Luke staring at me anxiously. He must have made a mistake. I said, ‘Did you say Gail Gradwell was with Simon? And pregnant?’
‘Yes. I spoke to both of them for a bit. There were crowds of people about but I remember thinking the whole occasion must have been tiring for her.’
‘Luke, I’m sorry. This has been so nice and thanks for telling me that you know Simon. That was good of you. But I’ve got to go now. Everyone will be back at Salix House soon and I’ve got so much to do before they get home. Thanks for the lunch. I’ve had such a good time.’ I could hear myself babbling.
‘Let me come with you. You look—’
‘No, no really.’
‘Then another time. Will you let me take you to dinner? If give you my card will you phone me? Just to say you’re okay?’
My head was filled with fog. I heard the word dinner and couldn’t think why it was being said and why to me. I wanted, I needed, only to leave the pub. To get out of there. To be on my own. I felt as if I was holding back a flood and I knew that if I started to speak, I’d lose control entirely. So I nodded and he gave me a card which I put into the pocket of my coat. And then I left the pub and went back into the fields I’d come through with Luke and started running as fast as I could, as though there was some hope of outrunning my thoughts.
*
Lissa went off with Jason in one direction and Eva was free to look at the flat on her own. She stood in the small hallway and gazed around her. I feel comfortable, she thought. She liked the colour of the walls: a pale, oyster grey on which any picture would look good. She liked the height of the ceiling. She liked the space. Every room was airy and well proportioned and while Eva realized that of course it was bound to look a bit more cluttered when her furniture was in, the whole flat gave an impression of both space and light. The sitting-room/dining-room window opened on to the communal garden and beyond that she could see a child’s swing in the garden of an adjoining house. A small girl in a blue jacket was playing on the swing and because every leaf had fallen from the trees, Eva could see her quite clearly. The double-glazed windows shut out the traffic sounds from the main road, which was just round the corner.
She heard Lissa and Jason laughing as she moved from one room to another. The kitchen was small but perfect. The bedroom had fitted cupboards and more room in them than she’d expected, but still, she told herself, I’ll have to get rid of so much. For a moment this thought depressed her, but then she caught sight of the en-suite bathroom, through an archway, and this distracted her. She wandered into it, admiring the simplicity of the fittings and the intelligent layout. A mirror was fixed into the wall above the sink and seeing it (though what else did she expect in a bathroom?) made her turn away, rather too quickly and she sat down on the edge of the bath feeling a little dizzy. That’ll have to be covered, she thought. Perhaps I could hang an embroidered cloth of some kind over it. I’ll have to put hooks into the wall but it could be very striking, if I get the right fabric. She managed to leave the bathroom without so much as glancing in the mirror again.
Once Jason had shown them everything in the flat and walked them round the garden, he left Eva and Lissa together at the gate.
‘I’ll be in touch very soon,’ Eva said. ‘I’d like to come and see it again with my daughter.’
‘Don’t leave it too long,’ Jason smiled. ‘They’re going very quickly, you know. In spite of the recession.’
‘Are you going to take it?’ Lissa asked when he’d driven away. ‘I do hope so. It is a most gorgeous place and think of it, there are five other flats full of probably the most wonderful people for you to be friends with.’
‘You don’t change, Lissa. You always were ridiculously optimistic. What if the other flat owners are crashing bores or even worse?’
‘They won’t be! I promise you they won’t.’
Eva smiled. She was already imagining herself in those rooms. She was seeing the flat as a possibility. With the sale of her dresses, and the proceeds of the auction, she had enough in her personal savings to be able to afford it. I don’t have to keep my money, she thought. I can spend it. When she died, the flat could be sold and that money passed on, but meanwhile, there was no reason for it to sit in a bank somewhere. For the first time since Rowena had told her that Salix House was to be sold, she felt something like anticipation. The dread – it had been like a physical weight on her for a long time – had suddenly gone. She could hardly wait to tell Rowena. And Megan, too, was sure to be happy for her.
After Lissa had said goodbye and waved her off in her taxi, Eva took out her phone. Why not, she thought? What am I waiting for? I know this is right. She punched in Jason’s number and when he answered, she said, ‘This is Eva Conway. I’d like to make an offer for 22 Frobisher Court.’
When the phone call ended, she put her phone back in her handbag and felt happier than she had for a very long time.
*
By the time I reached Salix House, I was out of breath. I’d stopped running after about ten minutes and had walked the rest of the way in a daze, feeling as if I’d been punched in the face. I was too shocked to cry. Round and round in my head went a carousel of horrible thoughts. I’d tried over the last few weeks to put Simon’s phone call out of my head but it was there now and I went over it again and again, asking myself why he’d done it. What possible reason did he have for lying to me like that? For making me believe I’d been responsible for the death of his child? The answer was obvious. He’d wanted to hurt me and he’d succeeded. He’d made sure that whatever else happened to me for as long as I lived, one thing would be there in my heart for ever. My head felt as though a buzzing insect had taken up residence behind my eyes. Be rational, I told myself. Be sensible. How can this possibly be bad? Look what’s happened. Look what you’ve discovered. You haven’t killed anyone after all. What was I supposed to be feeling? Happiness? Relief at being let off the hook? I was blameless, so why wasn’t I rejoicing? What
was the matter with me? Because far from rejoicing, I could feel myself filling up with a kind of black self-loathing and fury and above all, anguish at the way the entire history of our time together now had to be rewritten. It was false from beginning to end, everything about it. Simon never had any intention of leaving his wife, and far from loving me, there must have been a sort of hatred there which allowed him to condemn me to a whole lifetime of thinking I was wicked.
I wanted to ring him up, to send him a screaming email, to threaten him, to expose him. I didn’t. Instead, when I got to Salix House, I went into my bedroom and lay on the bed and started to cry. I wept till I didn’t have a single tear left inside me. The girls and Rowena wouldn’t be back for a while but I didn’t want Eva to find me. I had no idea when she’d be home. I decided to go for a drive. I didn’t care where. I needed to think.
‘Does anyone know where Megan is?’ Eva asked Dee.
‘She was sitting in her car when we got home,’ Dee answered. ‘Bridie went over and asked her if she was coming inside but Megan looked funny. And she hasn’t come inside yet. She’s probably still in the car, I expect. Shall I go and find her?’
‘No, I’m sure everything’s fine,’ Eva asked. ‘It’s nearly your suppertime so I’ll go and talk to her. Maybe she just wanted a bit of time on her own to think. You can turn on the television if you like.’
She picked up the jacket she’d put on the back of a chair and put it on again. On her way to the door, Eva wondered what could possibly have upset Megan so badly that she didn’t even want to come inside. Could she have had some kind of a fight with Tom? Hadn’t she been seeing him today?
Eva stood on the porch till her eyes grew accustomed to the darkness. The air smelled of bonfires and dead leaves. She turned up her collar against the cold. There was Megan’s car, parked alongside Conor’s, a little bit crookedly. She couldn’t really see into the vehicle but thought that perhaps that might be Megan’s head she could make out, leaning on the steering wheel. Eva approached the car boldly. There was no point in trying to disguise her footsteps on the gravel. She knocked on the window and peered in. Megan’s face loomed suddenly white, almost under her hand as she rapped on the glass.
