by Randis, K. L
When I looked down the hallway Gina and Lou were looking at each other uneasily. They didn’t know how to respond to Dad’s tone of voice. I approached the foyer area and held my breath.
“Hi Dad.”
Paul looked up surprised to see me. Dad tightened his lips and looked over what I had on. He craned his neck and struggled to maintain his composure. “Brooke, we need to go. Now. Get your stuff.”
“I’m, uh.” My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. “I’m staying here…tonight.”
Dad’s eyebrows clashed together. “You’re what?”
“They said I could stay the night.” My voice wavered as I nodded towards Gina and Lou, who were now looking at each other to see which one had given me the permission. “I have to be at school early tomorrow for a project. Gina said she would drive me in the morning.”
Dad moved his hands into a fist and tilted his head. Before he could speak Gina piped in.
“Yea sure. I did. I said that. She’s got a project. No big deal, I pass there in the morning and she-” Her eyes darted around the room. “She will sleep… on the couch. No problem. We gave her pajamas.”
Dad erupted into a fury of carefully subdued curse words before directing his voice directly at me. “No way are you sleeping at your boyfriend’s house, get your stuff, and get out in the car. Now.” He backed towards the door and I searched my brain for a rebuttal but couldn’t find one. I turned in defeat to head to Paul’s room.
“David, do you want a cup of tea? Or coffee?” Gina’s voice told me she wasn’t used to cursing like my dad had just done. She looked for a way to stall from me getting in the car with him while he was angry.
“No.” He rubbed his five o’clock shadow and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Brooke!” he yelled down the hall, “Hurry it up.”
I shimmied off the pajama bottoms and wrote a note on Paul’s dresser saying sorry and asking him to bring my book bag into school the next day since it was still in his moms van.
Gina and Lou were expressionless as I shuffled past them. I looked at Paul in fleeting glimpses as I reached the bottom of the foyer and watched Dad walk out the front door.
I looked back once, started to apologize, and then stopped. Their eyes told me I didn’t have to. So I squeezed Paul’s hand and readied myself for the long night ahead as I walked out the front door.
Chapter Eleven
“Everything you hear about cheerleaders is true.” I slammed my tray down next to Cristin and looked around the cafeteria to make sure no one else heard me. “They’re so mean. I mean, it’s not like I tried out thinking I was going to take over some girls spot to be a flyer. It’s not my fault I weigh twenty pounds less than the other girl.” I munched the skin of an apple then slid my tray out in front of me. “I can’t even eat I’m so annoyed!”
“Woah, don’t take it out on the apple.” Cristin snatched it from my hand and replaced it with a piece of her chocolate chip cookie. “This’ll help you gain a little weight then you won’t have to worry about those girls lifting you up into the air anymore.”
I wrinkled my nose at her.
“Okay, I know, they’re horrible,” she assured me, “How many games are left before the season’s over?”
“Two.”
“Ah ha, see? You’ll be fine. Just punch them in the face next time they drop you, I don’t like that.”
“You don’t? I’m the one they keep dropping.” At our last practice Coach insisted I try a stunt called a Liberty. Instead of having both feet securely placed in my bases hands, I had to raise one leg and support everything on just the one foot. The flyer position I took over left the ex-flyer as one of my bases.
Obviously still upset over Coach’s choice, she fumbled me as I nailed a Liberty my first try and if it weren’t for Coach standing right there I would have added a dramatic face plant as my finishing stunt.
“I’ll punch them in the face.” Paul took a seat next to me and Judd slipped in next to him.
“I’ll pamper their wounds when you’re finished,” Judd said. He winked at me. “You know, take care of them.”
Judd and I hadn’t talked much since Paul and I officially became a couple. Cristin said he was bitter he missed his chance. I never even knew he wanted one.
“Brooke they’re just jealous you look bangin’ in your little cheering outfit,” Sonia said, pointing to the emblem spread across my chest. “Why you gotta wear that thing all the time anyway?”
“For team spirit,” I said, tilting my head to the side and forcing a wide toothy grin.
“Who said Brooke’s bangin’? I’ll punch them too.” Paul ripped into this chicken patty and darted glances at me.
Sonia rolled her eyes. “No one, Romeo. Take it easy.”
The bell rang and the cafeteria turned into a swarm of chatter as everyone moved towards the double doors. Walking next to Paul I grazed his hand with mine. “Coming to my locker?”
“Nah.” He searched through the sea of people. “Gotta meet Chalky by his. See ya.”
I tried not to let his mood bother me but my heart sank a little as he pushed through the double doors and went in the opposite direction of my next class. We had been dating several months already and he constantly brought up the fact that every one of his buddies was having sex but us. When I told him I wanted to wait, his solution was to tell his buddies we were having sex anyway. “Just to get them off my back,” he said. “I don’t get why we have to wait though, but whatever.”
“I’ll walk you, loner.” Judd appeared and grabbed my book bag. “What do you have in there, bricks?” He pretended the bag was too heavy and fell to the floor. “It’s… too heavy. I can’t go on. Just…go Brooke. Remember me.”
“I’ll remember you.” A cafeteria aide nudged Judd with her foot. “Up, Judd. Or you can stay behind with me to visit the principal.”
Judd bounced up off the floor. “Ah look at that, I suddenly have super human strength. Thanks Bertha!” He winked at the cafeteria aide and lead me to my next class.
I walked with Paul to his house after school in silence. When we got there, he went straight to his room and shut the door behind him. I stood in the hallway, waiting for him to remember that I was out there.
Annoyed, I knocked on the door. “Paul? What’s wrong?”
Silence.
“Can I come in?”
His bed creaked and I heard the TV come on. I opened the door and his back was to me. His hood was up over his head and he wrapped the blankets around his body. If he were any more closed off I would have needed a can opener.
“What’s up?” I sat down next to him as he looked past me and flipped through channels. His face was serious, and he pulled his hood down lower in response.
“You’ve been acting weird all day. What’s wrong?”
He looked at me and spoke in a sarcastic tone. “You’re in my way. Cartoons are on.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Nothing to understand.”
“Do you want me to leave?”
“If you want to leave, then leave.”
“Is this about the sex?”
“What sex? I’m certainly not having any.”
“Paul that’s not fair.”
“No, it’s not.”
I turned away from him. I didn’t understand why it was so important to him that he could tell people we were having sex. The topics of choice in the guy’s locker room was either sex or drugs, so I assumed his stories were getting harder to make up since he didn’t have any real experiences to share with everyone.
“Well I gotta get to work,” I said.
“See ya.”
Secretly I hoped he would move, or tell me to come back. His gaze stayed on the TV and he continued to flick through channels as I closed the door behind me.
“What’s wrong Brooke?” My boss circled my desk and gave me a face. “You’ve been here two hours and haven’t made one appointment? You usually have five by now. You feeling
okay?”
I jumped at the opportunity to possibly go home early. “Oh, no. Not really. I’m feeling kinda sick.” I rubbed my stomach for visual confirmation.
“All right. Give it another half hour, if you don’t make anything, call it a day.”
Making sure I was in safe distance of the office I sprinted towards Paul’s house. He refused to answer any texts I sent him during work and I wanted to talk. Gina answered the door, looking confused. “Hey honey. You know Paul’s not here right?”
My heart sank. “Oh yea. I know,” I lied. “I got out of work early and thought if I stopped by and called him he would want to hang out.”
Gina nodded and opened the door. “All right, but he only left to go to Mack’s house about an hour ago. Give him a call.”
I held my breath as I dialed Paul’s number. After the fourth ring he picked up. I was met with an irritated tone. “What?”
“Hey, it’s me.”
Silence.
“I got out of work early, so I stopped by to see if you wanted to hang out.”
“You’re at my house?”
“Well, yea I figured-”
“Why would you go there? Didn’t you get the hint when I didn’t answer your texts?”
His honesty hurt. “You were purposely ignoring me?”
“Look, I don’t have time for this. Bye.”
I held the phone against my face for another minute until I heard a fast beeping noise. I didn’t want to believe that he had just hung up on me. I re-dialed his number and it went to voicemail after a few rings. When I tried again, it went straight to voicemail. He had turned off his phone.
I sat on his bed trying to decide what to do when Gina came to the door. “He’s not coming back?”
I didn’t want to hear the disappointment in my own voice so I just nodded. Gina saw right through it.
“Okay well we’re going to eat, come eat.”
Lou was already helping himself to seconds of salad when I sat down. As I tried to figure out what to do with Paul, Gina’s voice interrupted my thoughts. “So, how’s things at home?”
The question caught me off guard.
“Oh. Good?”
“Oh.” Gina nodded. “Everything, you know, going okay?”
I moved my fork around. “Yep. Everything’s good.” My face never cooperated with my lies and I hated the heat that started to flow over my cheeks.
“Good. That’s good.” Gina gulped her wine. “You and your dad get along?”
My mouth opened but Lou interrupted. “All right well, looks like we’re done here. Joseph you want to help clean up?” He pushed himself away from the table and Gina nodded following suit.
The front door opened and Paul bounded up the stairs. He didn’t notice I was sitting there at first but when he did threw his hands up. “You! What are you still doing here?”
“Paul!” Gina glared at him.
“What? I didn’t invite her. She just shows up and thinks she can have dinner with my family and not tell me? This isn’t her family.”
He looked at me. “This isn’t your family. Go be with your own. No one wants you here.” He stormed off towards his room and slammed the door, vibrating the house.
Lou slid his chair back and flicked his napkin onto his plate. “I’ll talk to him.”
Gina picked up plates from the table. “I’m sorry honey. I don’t know what his problem is. Lou will talk to him.”
Some yelling floated down the hallway and then it got quiet. After a few minutes, Lou appeared and ran his fingers through his hair. “All right hun, uh, why don’t you go ahead and bring Brooke home.”
He shook his head at me. “Sorry, he just doesn’t want to talk right now.”
Gina backed the minivan out of the driveway and headed towards my house. The tension between Paul and I was crushing me. I had no idea what I did to make him so angry.
“Don’t worry about him,” Gina said. I always felt like she could read my mind. “I’ll talk to him when I get home. He has no business talking to you like that.”
I nodded and said nothing. We passed the main part of town and I focused on anything that was outside the window.
“So how are things at home, really?”
It was the second time she’d ask me that question and still I didn’t know how to answer her. I wanted to trust her. Over the past few months we grew pretty close. Paul said it was because she always wanted a daughter. I thought it was because she picked up on something that she couldn’t quite put her finger on and wanted to know more about me. Either way, I enjoyed the long talks we got to have whenever she would drive me home which was starting to become an every night thing.
“Sometimes, I feel like I don’t belong in my family.”
Gina nodded but said nothing. She was an excellent listener.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “You know my mom is pregnant, and I have a lot of things going on. Sometimes it’s just a lot.”
“You’re a strong person.” Gina turned into my development. “You take on a lot of responsibility for your age from what you and Paulie tell me. Strong people sometimes have to make hard decisions because they can’t rely on anyone else. But God only gives you what you can handle, nothing more, nothing less.”
“Yea.” I sighed as we came to a stop in my driveway.
“I’ll always listen. You know that?”
I nodded and she brushed my cheek. “See you tomorrow sweetheart.”
Adam got his license and started driving us to school in the mornings. I felt distant from him ever since we moved to Pennsylvania. He had a group of friends that dressed in skull clothing and painted their nails black. They listened to screaming rock music. We started to have less and less in common, so since he got his license I figured a way for us to spend time together would be for him to drive me around.
I thought about what Gina said as Adam drove me over to Paul’s house that weekend. I thought that maybe if I wasn’t strong enough to face what was going on at our house, maybe I would feel better knowing I had an ally. Who better to support me than my own brother?
“I don’t understand why dad has to scream so much. Most of the time I just block him out.” Adam fiddled with the radio and paid little attention to the conversation I was trying to start. “Is it me or is he really loud?”
“Yea, he’s loud.”
“I hate when he screams. Don’t you?”
“I guess so.”
“You guess?”I sighed and tried to go in another direction. “I hate when he hits you guys.”
“Yea I bet. He never hits you.” His tone was flat.
“Yea…he treats us different.”
“Just you, Brooke.”
I was sure there was animosity in his tone that time.
“What’s that mean?”
“It means you’re the favorite. You always get what you want, when you want it.”
“I do not.”
Adam whistled. “Someone’s in denial. Tell me, when’s the last time you said ‘Daddy, I really want the kind of sneakers Cristin has’ or ‘Daddy, I want to go on the field trip that costs fifty dollars’ and he told you no?” Adam shook his head. “We all know you’re the favorite. I’m surprised you don’t.”
He was right. Anytime I wanted anything I always got it. I never really realized how often he told Adam, Thomas and Kat no, but now that he pointed it out, it was a lot.
There were special bed times, special Christmas gifts, and other things they never got. Adam made me realize that I had a little more control over Dad than I thought I did. Anything I wanted to keep his secret was mine.
“I guess I didn’t notice that before.”
Adam pulled into Paul’s driveway and unlocked the car doors. “Well, now you know.”
I gripped the door handle and looked into Adam’s sea blue eyes. He looked worn, like me, but he didn’t have that spark. There was a spark that pushed me to start questioning and probing; to start re-evaluating what was goin
g on, and to figure out what to do with the new information.
“Yea. I do know, now. Thanks Adam.”
He looked confused as I hopped out of the car.
Paul was propped up on his bed with the TV on when I walked into his room. He looked at me and his eyes told me he was sorry. I didn’t call or text for two days after he had yelled at me, and I think my silence scared him. He held out his arms without saying anything, and I more than eagerly fell into them.
“I’m sorry.” He kissed my forehead. “The guys have been giving me a lot of pressure lately. I’m the only virgin and they keep asking for details.”
I ran my fingers over his arms. “I know. I just don’t feel comfortable with them knowing details like that about us. It’s private, between us, ya know?”
He nodded and pulled my face closer to his. After a few minutes of kissing his hands caressed my sides and flowed down to linger over my zipper. I held my breath as his fingertips slid under the top of my jeans and I pulled his hand away. “Your mom-”
“Won’t be home for another hour,” he finished.
“Do you have-?”
“Yes.”
With one arm he slid me underneath him and put his other hand through my hair. His lips were searching, needing, all over my face and down my neck. I pulled at his shirt and it dropped to the floor.
He lifted me upward and slid his hand underneath my shirt. His chest pressed firmly against mine. My skin danced with every detailed movement he made. I moaned, softly, and it made him rise against my leg. We both wanted it. When I felt him inside me I eased into his rhythm and sank deeper.
We sprawled across the bed afterwards, smiling, holding each other’s hand. He brushed a piece of hair from my face and took my lips into his. “I love you, Brooke.”
I closed my eyes. I didn’t tell him, but I wanted to hear him say those three words, sincerely, before I gave myself to him. The timing was perfect.
“Hey, let’s get our clothes on. My mom’ll be home soon.” He reached for my shirt and threw it towards me, facing away as he slid his pants on.
