by Randis, K. L
“Which is…”
“Exactly, no one in my family knows because I’m the only one who ever bothered to go to counseling. They all went to a few sessions because the court basically made them, but once the trial ended they wanted nothing to do with it.”
“Does that surprise you?”
“Kinda. I mean, once I knew that our lives weren’t normal I couldn’t wait to change it, get healthy, you know? Jason and I don’t raise our voices to each other, we never argue or get hostile, because it’s not something I’ll ever allow in my life again.”
“And they do?” Midge asked.
“Yea. They scream at each other, at me, at themselves. They all seem miserable but yet no one does anything about it. My mom will call me crying about money, or something Kat did, or something Ethan did and she wants me to talk to them. Last time I checked I wasn’t their mother.”
“Maybe not literally, no. But you protected them, they come to you for advice, they cry to you, ask you for help. They don’t go to her, they go to you and maybe she knows that.”
“They trust me.”
Nothing fell into place like it was supposed to. There was still so much anger, but it was being channeled in the wrong ways. Anytime I brought up counseling I was told it didn’t work, or they didn’t have time. There was always an excuse.
“I don’t know Midge, I feel like I’m going crazy. My mom seems so different, like I don’t even know her anymore.”
“Lemme ask you somethin’. You’s standing in the middle of a field and it’s rainin’ and there’s a tornado, twirling, cyclone of a tornado, and a rain shower. Which one of those things you gonna notice first?”
“The tornado,” I said
“Why?”
“I don’t know, it’s scarier. It can hurt you.”
“Now let’s assume that tornado goes away. Now what’re you gonna notice?”
“The rain.”
“Why?”
“Cause I’d probably be getting wet. Or cold. And it’s all that’s left.”
“You had somethin’ in your life so powerful, so frightening it took your full attention. It was more threatening, could hurt you worse. Now that the tornado’s gone away, your focus shifts, see? The rain was there all along, you just didn’t notice it till now.”
“So you think everyone was probably always this way, I just didn’t see it until he was out of the picture?”
“You were in survival mode, Brooke. You did what you did to survive. You cleaned your mama’s house, you looked after them children like they was your own cause she was too high to be bothered herself. She used you, honey, because she could. Now that you got rid of her means of living, she’s got a whole lot of responsibility that’s new to her. That manipulation, that selfishness, it was there all along child, you just had bigger things to worry about and she never had to use it before.”
What she was saying made sense. When I was younger and my brothers and I would have to give Mom all the money we would get from holidays and birthdays and she would put it in the special savings accounts she had for us. We did this for years and sometimes Adam and I would talk about the things we would buy when we got older.
When I got to the age I wanted to start using it, she told me there was no savings, that she had four kids to raise at the time and that I should be thankful we had a roof over our heads. We had been tricked into giving her our money for safe keeping from the time we were six years old.
“Thanks Midge,” I said.
“You’re welcome, sweetheart. Just remember though,” she said as her voice lowered, “Those rains, they can turn into floods.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Halfway through my sophomore year of college I realized that a degree in medicine was out of reach both in time and money. Jason and I struggled to keep our utilities on and food in our cabinets. A few times we cuddled closer under piles of blankets when the oil tank was drained and we became creative in making up dinners out of the remnants of our fridge.
I had to graduate quickly so I could start working full time and stop playing Russian Roulette with what bills to pay. After the first day of taking a developmental psychology course as a prerequisite, I marched down to the registrar’s office to switch majors. It was a wildly interesting field and exceptionally easy to load up on courses and graduate fast.
“They say that there is an unknown factor that gives some people a resilient personality,” Dr. Russ said in class. “You can have four people go through something exceptionally traumatic, and one of those people will have a higher resiliency to coping. They won’t turn to drugs or rebellion, they’ll seek the positive in any given situation. Now the interesting thing is the argument whether resiliency is nature or nurture. Are we born with it, or is it taught to us?”
I hung on his every word, half expecting Midge to bound through the door and tell me she had told my professor my life story. He rattled on. “These children usually have strong mentors from a young age they can build their strength on, they have some kind of talent or outlet they use to channel their frustrations or stress, and they’re intelligent.” He tapped the side of his brain. “Scientists and psychologists have been studying the phenomena. Just what makes one child so susceptible to crumbling under situations another one simply rises above?”
The nightmares became more bearable as I learned to explain them to Jason. I was also getting better at identifying what triggered me to have flashbacks or memories of Earl. Most of the time, a lot of the time, it was the people I surrounded myself by that reminded me of a life I wanted to forget. Those people trickled out of our lives.
The nightmares came in waves. Jason would shake me from my sleep as I clawed at him drenched in sweat. Other times I would mumble, or scream, or hysterically cry until I woke myself up. When I would have those rare nights of deep uninterrupted slumber, Jason would get anxious and wake me up just to make sure I was still breathing.
“You got permission to take twenty four credits a semester?” Jason raised an eyebrow. “You’re also starting an internship and you work. Are you trying to get away? Is it me?” He lifted up his arm. “I must smell.”
“Nooo. Full time is twelve credits, so I mean, I’m only doubling the recommended course load. Besides, psychology isn’t exactly hard it’s just time consuming. A lot of papers. Very interesting though.”
“You seem happy about it.”
“I am happy about it.”
I interned at a facility called Children’s Hope and Promise, or CHAP. It was an alternative school and boarding facility for children who had severe emotional disturbances and behavioral issues.
They paid me for the length of my internship, which was unheard of, and they even offered me a job for when I graduated. Tackling my piled down course load allowed me to graduate an entire semester early, which was perfect timing, because Jason and I found out I was pregnant.
When I had the miscarriage, it was two days before graduation. The picture of the pregnancy test we had taken nine weeks earlier was still the background picture on my phone. We told most of our family at that point, and our closest friends. “Looks like I’m the one getting a graduation present,” Jason had teased. He kissed my belly and told me that as soon as I graduated, we would start planning a wedding.
I literally peed every two hours in those first few weeks. So when Jason woke me up in the middle of the night thinking I had wet the bed, he was not expecting what he found. When he turned on the light and saw I was soaked in blood, he carried me down the stairs and floored it to the hospital. No ambulance would have traveled faster than he did that night.
I didn’t remember much from graduation, I wasn’t even going to go. After getting the okay from the doctor, Jason insisted. “You’ve worked too hard, and sacrificed too much to not go. You owe it to yourself.”
So I walked with my graduating class. Painfully, slowly. No one there would have skipped a beat looking at my graduation pictures. I smiled and went through the motio
ns, shook hands with my professors and then disappeared into a cloud of mourning for the next two months. With no classes, and since I didn’t technically accept the job offer from CHAP, I had ample time to sit around and think.
So that’s exactly what I did.
After gaining fifteen pounds and wearing out my bathrobe to the stitching, I called around and applied to a job in the town where my mom lived. Jason was ecstatic we were moving back. I just needed a change. I needed to get out of that apartment and start over.
So we did.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
I pulled up to the familiar house with the white sign on the front lawn and put the car in park. Taking my time I gathered my things and headed inside. The same ceiling high posters still littered the walls, it still smelled the same. There was a receptionist I didn’t recognize sitting behind the counter in the lobby. “Hi there, can I help you?”
I smoothed my suit jacket and nodded. “I’m Brooke Nolan, I have an interview with Anne for the Community Advocate position.”
“Oh very good, I’ll let her know you’re here. Have a seat.” She pointed into the waiting room and picked up the phone.
I sat in the same chair I did almost eight years ago. A jumbled up puzzle and some coloring books were scattered on the floor. I wondered how many children have passed through that waiting room. How many children told? How many of them went on to lead prosperous and fulfilling lives despite what happened to them?
A woman with glimmering dental work rounded the corner and stuck out her hand. “Brooke? I’m Anne, so glad you’re here. Come, follow me back to my office.”
I tailed behind her, catching a glimpse of her pin striped suit and stocky pumps. Her silver hair was pinned in a bun at the top of her head and she smoothed a wrinkle across her forehead as she sat down. “Whew, I am swamped. Sorry for the wait. So you’re thee Brooke Nolan huh?”
I laughed. “Well I guess it depends on what you’ve heard.”
“Nothing but great things, don’t you worry.” She stirred a spoon into the sides of a cup on her desk. “Midge certainly had nothing but great things to say about you.”
I blushed. “Good to know.”
“So there are quite a few people applying for this position. You understand what a Community Advocate is?”
“Yea, someone who educates the public about domestic and sexual violence through community events. I would be mainly targeting youth right?”
“Yea, you got it. We really want to push towards a more modern approach for getting youth’s attention. They’re into the technologies and computers and honestly I don’t know much about it.” Anne raised her eyebrows. “Old lady like me needs to know when to take a step back and let the younger generation step up.”
“Yea, we can be complicated.”
“I have over fifty applicants.” She patted a stack of papers next to her. “Why you? Why are you the best for the job?”
When I applied to the job ad Midge sent me for the Women in Crisis center it stated that personal experience was respected. I knew Midge had probably filled Anne in on the majority of what my life was like, and if she didn’t, all Anne had to do was pull my file from when I was a child receiving services there with Midge as my counselor.
“I think it takes a certain personality talk about topics like domestic violence and sexual assault in the limelight. I’ve been there, I’ve seen it firsthand. But I’ve also grown from it, came out above it I guess you could say.”
“Yes, it is important, the way we overcome,” Anne said, scribbling on a pad in front of her.
“I don’t want to educate youth after the fact. I want to exemplify an understanding in our community about these topics from as young an age as possible. I want to teach prevention, so they know the signs and what to do about it before it affects their lives. They need to know their options.”
“I see.” She put her pen down. “So as a victim, you think you have what it takes to get into these kids heads?”
I smiled. “No ma’m, as a survivor I have what it takes.”
***
Gina met me after my interview so we could catch up. “I’m so glad you moved back, we can do tea now, I can see you more.”
“I know. I hope I get this job though.”
“You’ll get it. They’d be crazy not to hire you. That your phone?”
“Yea, one second,” I said. The number didn’t register a name on my cell phone.
“Brooke? This is Anne. Have a second?”
“Oh sure, sure. Go ahead.” Gina squinted her eyes at me.
“Well, it didn’t take much deliberation, and we’d like to have you join our team as Community Advocate, if you’ll take us.”
I gasped. “No kidding. It’s only been a little over an hour.”
“Is that a yes?”
“Oh, yes. Yes I’d love to. Thank you!”
“Great. I know you said you can start as soon as possible so if you want to come on in Monday, we’ll get you set up. See you then.”
“I got the job!” I cried as I hung up the phone.
Gina wrapped me in a hug. “I told you, oh congratulations. You’ll do great there.”
I got Jason and my mom on the phone to tell them before I got back to our conversation. “So anyways, you need me to let the dog out while you guys go on vacation, right?” I asked.
“Yea, you’re okay with it? Paul’s at college and I’d hate to ask the neighbor she’s not really a dog person.”
“Yea it’s not a problem. When are you leaving?”
“Next Thursday.”
“And you told Paul, just in case he shows up?”
“Umm…” She swirled her spoon. “You know, I think I mentioned it. Yea.”
I eyed her. “Maybe I’ll let him know, just to make sure. And hey, I need to tell you something. Promise you won’t get mad?”
“What is it?”
I slipped the ring onto my finger and held it under Gina’s nose. “Jason and I eloped last week. We’re married!”
Gina covered her mouth, half surprised and half upset. “Oh, Brooke. Jason is such a great guy, he really is. We really love him. Congratulations honey.”
Her eyes watered and I knew how much she wanted me to be a part of her family. I thought she had been secretly hoping all these years that Paul and I would rekindle an old flame and give her some grandbabies.
“Thanks,” I said.
“Have you told anyone yet?”
“Our main family, some of our friends. We had it in this beautiful outdoor garden nearby, I had a dress. It was just really intimate and sweet…I wish you could have been there. We just wanted something discreet, you know?”
“I don’t blame you. I think it was the perfect idea, I’m so happy for you guys, I really am. Now make me some grandbabies, you’ll always be a daughter-in-law to me, no matter who you’re with.”
When I signed onto Facebook that night and messaged Paul I didn’t expect him to get back to me as soon as he did. I told him I was going to be letting the dog out while his parents and little brother went on vacation and I just wanted him to know I would be at his house. For a while after we broke up he didn’t want me there, which I understood, but I didn’t need any drama while I was trying to help Gina out.
We hadn’t talked in years and anytime I tried he was always so standoffish. An alert on my phone went off and I double read the message to make sure I had seen it correctly:
Id love to stick around and see u ill take you to dinner we can catch up if youd like unless im crossing some sort of line then ill just see you at the house
My heart skipped beat. He wanted to catch up? Dinner? Those two words were never part of his vocabulary. There were so many years between the last times we spoke, so much left unsaid. I wasted no time replying.
That actually sounds really nice, unless you want me to cook something and we can watch cartoons for old time sake
He wrote back:
Lol you mean ill cook u something
you forget who my mom is not saying u wouldn’t cook something amazing but dinner is a better idea so we can appreciate the moment
Now all of a sudden we had moments? I instinctively looked down at the ring on my finger. My fingers drummed on the screen of my phone for a minute. I nodded as I typed back a more casual response:
True, your mom is the best cook I know. Whether you want to whip something up or go out, I think I’d just like the pleasure of your company.
I hit send. Message clear, just two platonic people having dinner to catch up on heavy emotional baggage. The alert didn’t even finish going off before I grabbed my phone again.
I could care less either way as long as we get to catch up and I get to see your pretty face lol and my company isn’t too pleasurable but youre putting me on the spot I have to come up with a surprise now
I waded into unknown territory, letting the words pretty face obsessively repeat over in my head before another message popped up.
If calling would make your life easier, it would make mine I hate talkin on fb
He left his number and it took most of my will power not to pick up the phone and call that second. I hated that he suddenly sprang up out of nowhere talking about moments and dinners and after all these years suddenly had things he wanted to catch up on.
I waited a full ten minutes before I added him as a contact in my phone. Another five minutes passed while I thought about what to say before I started a text war.
I’ve always enjoyed your company actually
His reply was just as coy.
I always enjoyed your company we went well together lol.
I cringed. What is all this we stuff? I grabbed a wine glass out of the cupboard before I responded. Jason wouldn’t be home for another couple of hours.
Guess I’ll have to try extra hard to make sure we have a good time then, don’t wanna disappoint.
I sounded so fake, but I couldn’t think straight.
You don’t have to try hard I’m sure ill have a great time with you just being you.
