Chapter Seven
Raven wasn’t much of a morning person. She could manage to make herself get out of bed during the week for school because she had to, but even that was a lengthy struggle of snooze buttons and bargaining with her schedule for every possible extra moment of sleep. When the weekends finally rolled around, she relished the chance to lie in bed for a couple of extra hours. Which is why she felt a little disconcerted to find herself not only awake but ready to get out of bed at seven fifteen on a Sunday morning. She had set her alarm for nine the night before, figuring that would give her plenty of time to hit the snooze once or twice and still be able to get ready and make it to the university. Instead, she found herself lying awake in bed feeling restless and having no interest in trying to fall back asleep so she rolled out of bed and got ready for another day of studying with Morgan.
*
Raven found Morgan at the same table in the library, textbooks spread out around her, though her attention was focused on the novel in her hand. She didn’t appear to notice Raven’s approach. She didn’t even look up when Raven reached the table and was standing directly in front of her. Holding back a smile, she gripped the chair in front of her and pulled it out slowly and then dropped into it. The sudden movement caught Morgan’s attention, and she jumped. Her book fell out of her hand as she let out a yelp of surprise. Luckily, the library was nearly empty, with only a few other students on the far side of the room, because Raven burst out laughing.
“You are such a brat,” Morgan muttered as she leaned to retrieve her book.
“Sorry.”
“Yeah, you sure sound it.”
“No. I really am.”
“And I might believe you if you’d wipe that smirk off your face.”
Raven tried to school her expression but couldn’t keep her grin at bay. “Peace offering?” She held up the bag of brownies she’d picked up from the same coffee shop as yesterday.
Morgan appeared to consider for a moment before letting out a sigh and reaching for the bag. “Ready to get started?”
They spent the next couple of hours going through the various textbooks Morgan had brought, analyzing different pieces of artwork. Raven listened as Morgan described each piece, trying to see what she saw. But for all Morgan’s talk of brushstrokes and symmetry and negative space, Raven mostly just saw shapes and colors. She saw trees and flowers and a boy in blue and not much more, but the passion in Morgan’s voice as she explained each piece, the obvious regard she had for the work, made Raven want to do better, so she struggled through, trying to find the same beauty, and eventually, she started to see it. She started to see the elements of each piece, as opposed to just the final product. She started to recognize shadow and light, and space, and the use of color. She doubted she would ever have the same appreciation for art that Morgan did, but she was beginning to see her perspective.
*
“You know what? I think you’ve got it,” Morgan said after Raven had finished her fourth analysis without any prompting.
“You think?” she asked, feeling both proud and disappointed.
“Oh, yeah. I think you’re in good shape for your exam.”
“That’s good.” And it was. Yet she couldn’t seem to muster up any enthusiasm at the thought. She knew she should be excited that she wasn’t going to fail, but all she could think about was that her time with Morgan was coming to an end.
“It is,” Morgan agreed as she stood and began to gather up the books. Reluctantly, Raven stood as well and helped Morgan return them to their places on the shelves.
“You hungry?” Morgan asked as they returned to the table for their things. “Want to get lunch?”
Raven immediately agreed. She wasn’t particularly hungry, but she’d take any excuse to spend a little more time with Morgan.
*
It was snowing when they left the library, fat, fluffy flakes that coated their hair and shoulders within minutes. The ground was already covered in a thin layer of white. It was a short walk across campus to a coffee shop that Morgan promised made the world’s best wraps, but they were still covered in snow when they got there.
“I feel like the abominable snowman,” Raven commented as she brushed snow from her bangs and stomped her boots against the welcome mat just inside the door.
“And you look like it, too,” Morgan said as she shook out her curls.
“Like you’re any better.”
“But at least my coat isn’t wool,” Morgan reminded Raven as she reached over and began brushing snow off her shoulders and arms. It wasn’t even a solid touch, just a light sweep of fingers against fabric, but still, she flinched. Luckily, Morgan didn’t seem to notice as she continued her ministrations.
Raven held herself stiffly, muscles tense as her heart stuttered then picked up a rapid pace. A warm flush heated her cheeks, and she hoped her already cold-reddened face hid the blush.
“You’re lucky it didn’t soak through,” Morgan said, oblivious to her discomfort. After one final last brush, she stepped back, and Raven was able to breathe again. On shaky legs, she followed Morgan across the coffee shop to the counter and took her place in line beside her.
As Morgan perused the menu board, Raven tried to puzzle out what had just happened.
“Raven. Hey.” An elbow in her side made her realize she was being spoken to. She shook her head, trying to clear it.
“Sorry, what?” She glanced over at Morgan then at the guy behind the counter, both of whom were giving her amused glances.
“Are you ordering?”
She blushed, realizing that while she was spaced out, they’d made it to the head of the line. She glanced up at the menu, which she hadn’t even looked at yet and tried to read it quickly.
“Just give her what I’m having,” Morgan told the guy as she took Raven by the elbow and steered her toward an empty booth along the wall. “What’s with you?” she asked as they slid onto opposite benches.
Raven shook her head. “Nothing.”
“Nothing? You completely zoned out on me.”
Raven blushed. “It’s nothing. I don’t know.”
Morgan gave her a long, measuring look so Raven decided to distract her before she could pursue it. “So, just what did you order for me, anyway?”
The rest of their lunch passed pleasantly and was over much too soon for Raven’s liking. It felt like minutes but was actually over two hours that they lingered over turkey wraps and coffee refills. The midday rush came and went while they talked about school and movies and music and friends, and still Raven wished they could stay longer. But three cups of coffee was her limit in one sitting, and the snow was starting to pick up. She didn’t want to get stuck in a blizzard on her way home. So reluctantly, she said she needed to be going.
Morgan insisted on walking her back to her car, even though it was in the opposite direction of her dorm. Raven knew she should decline and let her get out of the cold, but she accepted anyway, eager for another few minutes of company.
They walked quickly and without conversation, the snow crunching lightly beneath their boots. The campus was quiet, not a single soul in sight.
“I can’t thank you enough for all this,” Raven said as they reached her car. “And it’s been great getting to hang out.”
“Yeah. Definitely. Your test is tomorrow, right?”
“Nine a.m.”
“You’ll call me; let me know how it goes?”
“Sure. Yeah.” Raven pulled her cell phone out of her pocket and flipped it on. As soon as it had powered up, she opened a new contact for Morgan’s number, feeling disproportionately pleased by the thought of talking with Morgan again. She keyed in the information and tucked her phone back into her pocket.
“So, I’ll talk to you later,” Raven said, feeling a little awkward but trying to ignore it.
“I look forward to it. Drive safe.”
Before she could reply, Morgan had stepped in for a hug.
When Morgan p
ulled back, Raven felt a surge of disappointment. The next thing she knew, she had tipped her head forward and was pressing their lips together. Then she was reeling backward, heart racing and feeling light-headed, trying to figure out what she’d just done.
“Raven—”
“I’ve got to go.” Unable to look Morgan in the eye, she climbed into her car and jammed the key into the ignition.
“Raven.” Morgan’s voice was muffled through the glass of the window, and Raven ignored it as she started the wipers to clear the windshield of snow. “Don’t go. We should talk about this.”
Raven didn’t want to talk. She revved the engine and Morgan stepped back. Raven drove away without a backward glance.
Chapter Eight
The house was in darkness when Raven pulled into the driveway. A blessing and a curse. On one hand, she wasn’t in any shape to deal with people, least of all her parents. On the other, she didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts right now either. The hour-long trip home had been bearable because she’d had to focus on her driving so she wouldn’t end up in a ditch or something. Now, though, there was nothing to concentrate on and her thoughts would be free to wander.
With a sigh, she climbed out of her car and headed up the walk. Once inside, a detour into the kitchen revealed a note on the fridge informing her that her parents had gone to dinner with her aunt and uncle and wouldn’t be home until late, but there was spaghetti in the fridge if she was hungry.
“Great. Just great.” She crumpled the note and tossed it into the trash. For lack of anything better to do, she opened the fridge and examined its contents. There was the promised spaghetti, as well as the makings of a sandwich, and a crisper full of fruits and vegetables. The thought of food made the knot in her stomach clench tightly. She let the door swing shut and wandered into the living room, where she flopped onto the couch and reached for the remote. Sunday night had to be good for some cheesy made-for-TV movie she could lose herself in for a while, so she wouldn’t have to think about Morgan. Or the fact that she’d kissed her.
She flipped through the channels, hoping with each click that she’d land on something that would occupy her brain for a while, so she wouldn’t have to think about the fact that her lips still tingled from the brief contact, and that it didn’t take any effort at all to remember the way it had felt. The warmth of Morgan’s breath against her skin, the softness of her lips, and the way they’d tasted faintly of coffee. Or the way that even as she had pulled back, horrified by what she had done, all she’d really wanted to do was lean back in.
She wasn’t ready to face what it meant. Not yet.
The ringing telephone saved her from having to.
“Hello?”
“Hey. Where have you been? I’ve been calling your cell all day.”
She dug into her pocket for her cell phone and flipped it open. It had been off while she was in the library studying, and all her calls had gone straight to voice mail. Sure enough, when she checked her messages, there were six missed calls, four from Chloe, and two from Morgan. She deleted the messages without bothering to listen to them.
“Sorry, I was out.”
“Yeah, I got that. Out where?”
“Studying.”
Chloe let out a laugh. “Seriously, where were you?”
“Seriously, I was studying. A friend of Julia’s offered to help me get ready for my art exam.”
“God, you suck,” Chloe groaned. “You blow me off all weekend and I can’t even get mad at you for it because you were studying.”
Raven couldn’t help but laugh. “I’ll make it up to you next weekend.
“How?”
“However you want. Dinner? On me. A movie night? I’ll even watch one of those sappy romantic comedies you love so much.”
“And have you ruin my enjoyment of it? I’ll pass, thanks.”
“Well, whatever you want, let me know. The whole weekend, I’m yours.”
“Right, like I’d want to spend two whole days with you,” Chloe scoffed. Raven chuckled and settled more comfortably on the couch, letting herself get pulled into inane banter with Chloe until Chloe’s mom started yelling at her to get off the phone because it was a school night.
“I guess I’ve got to go. See you tomorrow?”
“Yeah. We’ll get lunch after exams.”
Raven heard Chloe’s mom in the background, asking her if she had any idea what time it was.
“Yeah. Text Summer. I’ve really got to go.”
“Night,” Raven said through her laughter.
“Love you.”
“You too,” Raven said, the words spoken to a dial tone. Chloe had already hung up. The words carried a bitter taste with them. Would Chloe still love her if she knew what Raven had done?
Not that she had any intention of telling her friends about any of it. A wave of nausea rolled over her just at the thought of it. Who knew what their reactions would be? They might hate her, might never want to see her again.
And what about the other kids at school if they found out? She’d seen the way people treated Mitch Abernee, just because he dressed well and was more interested in photography and the drama club than sports and cars. She’d heard the names he was called behind his back, seen the way some of the jerkier guys on the football team hassled him in the hallway. And what about Lyndsey Ford? People were always calling her a dyke and making snarky comments about her staring at them in the change room after gym class just because she played on a bunch of sports teams.
If that was how they were treated, even though neither one of them had ever given any kind of indication that they were…she shook her head, refusing to contemplate it any further. Nobody would ever find out about this. They couldn’t. Raven wouldn’t be able to survive it if they did.
Chapter Nine
Nerves over her exam pushed aside any lingering unease from the night before, and by the time she made it to school, the kiss with Morgan had been pushed from the forefront of her mind.
When the exam papers were laid in front of her, it took all her effort and concentration to calm her racing heart and focus her thoughts to recall everything she and Morgan had reviewed over the weekend. She worked slowly through the first few questions, gaining confidence as she went, until by the end she was answering with ease.
It was the first time she’d walked out of the art room feeling confident about the work she’d turned in. She rode that sense of accomplishment for the rest of the morning, right up until she reached her house and spotted a familiar figure sitting on the porch steps.
Then last night came crashing down around her, and she paused at the end of the front walkway before slowly starting up it toward the waiting Morgan.
“Morgan,” she greeted her when she reached the foot of the steps. Raven was unable to meet Morgan’s eyes, or even look directly at her for more than a moment. When she looked at her, she remembered, and when she remembered, she felt that familiar warmth heating her cheeks and sending her stomach fluttering.
“I called you a couple of times last night.”
“I had my phone off.”
She didn’t know if Morgan believed her or not, but she didn’t press.
“We need to talk.”
Raven shifted from one foot to the other and shoved her hands into her coat pockets. She didn’t want to talk. She didn’t see what talking would accomplish. Not when she’d already decided the kiss was nothing. But Morgan had been camped out on her porch steps for who knows how long, and she didn’t show any indication of leaving any time soon.
“Fine. But come inside,” she added, belatedly realizing Morgan must be freezing. It was minus two, or something like that.
Morgan rose, and Raven eased past her, careful not to brush shoulders or bump into her as she mounted the steps and unlocked the door. Morgan followed her silently into the house, shedding her boots and hanging her coat on the indicated rack, then trailing her into the kitchen. She leaned against the counter as Raven pulle
d mugs down from the cupboard and set about making coffee. It would warm Morgan, and it gave Raven something to do with her hands.
“Here,” she said.
Morgan accepted a steaming mug and cradled it in her hands. Raven stared into her own, waiting for Morgan to say whatever it was she’d come here to say.
“You can’t do that.”
Startled, Raven glanced up.
Morgan’s voice was soft but edged with an anger that shocked Raven. “I’m not an experiment, a guinea pig to test out what it feels like to kiss a girl.”
“I didn’t…I wasn’t…”
“You didn’t what? Didn’t kiss me?” Morgan set her coffee down on the table and took a step closer to Raven. “No. Don’t do that. You can’t blame this on me.”
“I’m not. I just—”
“Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I was hitting on you.”
“I know that.” In all her discomfort and unease around Morgan, it hadn’t been because of something Morgan had done. She had never once thought Morgan was coming on to her.
“I hugged you, yes. But you kissed me.”
“Morgan, I know.”
“You can’t just do that.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“If you know, then why did you?”
Raven cut her gaze away from Morgan and let her eyes travel the room as she struggled to come up with an explanation, a reason for her behavior. She could tell Morgan was getting impatient, could hear the scuffle of her socked feet as she shifted.
“Raven?”
“Because…I think I might be gay.”
Chapter Ten
From the expression on her face it was obvious that wasn’t what she’d expected Raven to say. The words hung heavy in the air between them. This was the first time Raven had said it aloud, had even allowed herself to fully form the thought. But in saying the words, it was like all of the pieces of the puzzle had slid into place. Some of the little things that had confused her before suddenly made sense. Like why the few dates she’d been on had been fun, but anything even remotely physical had made her vaguely uncomfortable. She’d always found a reason to pull her hand away or move out from beneath his arm. And waiting for that good-night kiss had been more stressful than pleasant. She had tried very hard not to examine what it meant and played it off as the spark just not being there. She couldn’t deny it any longer.
Everything Changes Page 3
