“Hey, Raven.” Morgan’s voice was warm and cheerful and it only made the knot in her stomach clench tighter.
“Hi.”
“You’re home early. How was the party?”
“It was good. I had fun. How was your movie night?” Raven was stalling and she knew it.
“It was a lot of fun. They played eighties classics, which you know are my favorite.”
Raven nodded. “Yeah. Sounds great. I’m sorry I missed it.”
“Next time. They’re doing another one in a few weeks.”
“I’m there. What are you up to now?” She imagined Morgan lying on her bed in her dorm room, holding the phone up to her ear. Maybe a book in her lap, maybe the remote in hand.
“We’re just at the coffee shop.”
“You’re still with everybody?” Raven asked, feeling a tightening in her chest.
“Yeah.”
“Are they like, right there?”
“No. I got up when I saw it was you. I’m standing by the door. Attracting a lot of weird looks right now, just so you know,” Morgan said, an edge creeping into her voice. “And when I get back to the table, there are going to be questions.”
“What are you going to tell them?”
“I don’t know,” Morgan said with a sigh. “Is there a reason you called?”
This was not the way this conversation was supposed to start. Raven didn’t want to get into this now, but she couldn’t exactly back out.
“Something happened at the party tonight.”
“Oh?” The question was cautious, but not alarmed.
“There was this guy, Jeremy…” She trailed off for a moment, gathering her courage before finishing off in a rush, “He kissed me.”
Silence on the other end of the line.
Raven held her breath waiting for a response, a reaction. “It meant nothing,” she said to fill the silence when nothing was forthcoming. “And I didn’t kiss him back,” she hastened to add. “Please say something.”
“What would you like me to say?”
“I don’t know, something.”
“Give me a minute, okay? I’m still processing.” There was a heavy sigh and then more silence. “So, you kissed a guy?”
“He kissed me. I didn’t even see it coming. And I pulled away and told him he’d gotten the wrong idea.” Raven paused. “Are you mad?”
“I don’t know what I am,” Morgan said after a long silence. “You say he came on to you, so I can’t really fault you for that. But I hate the thought that I’ve got to worry about guys hitting on you.”
“It was just one guy. At one party.”
“But what about the next guy, at the next party? Or the one who sits next to you in class? Or the guy who is a friend of a friend and wants to get to know you better? Guys are going to come on to you. They’re going to hit on you and ask you out because you’re not giving them any reason not to.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“What do you think it means, Raven? Yeah, he kissed you. But did you even stop and think about why? About what possible signals you might have been giving him?”
“There were no signals.”
“No? So he just, what, walked up to you and kissed you? Out of the blue?”
“No. We were talking and—”
“And you probably spent most of the night with him too, right? Talking, laughing, giving him absolutely no indication that you were with somebody.”
“It’s not like I could tell him the truth.”
“Of course not.”
“You are mad, but not about the kiss. You’re mad because I’m not ready to come out yet.”
“So I’m mad. Can you blame me? I’m on the phone in the corner of a coffee shop talking to my girlfriend—not for privacy, but because I can’t even tell my friends I’m in a relationship. And my girlfriend’s telling me she kissed someone else. The fact that it was a guy is irrelevant, Raven. When you’re with someone, you don’t just go around kissing other people.”
“I know that.”
“How can you possibly say that, considering what happened tonight? Do you even get how much this conversation hurts right now?”
“Morgan, I—”
“You wanted this. You pushed for us to be together.”
“You make it sound like you didn’t want any part of it.”
“Don’t. You know I have feelings for you. But I can’t do this if you’re only half-in.”
“I’m in this. I swear.”
“Then maybe you need to take some time and think about why you’re happy to let the rest of the world think you’re single. And you’re straight.”
“Morgan—”
“I can’t do this right now, Raven. My friends are waiting for me.”
Chapter Twenty-three
Raven sat on a bench just off the walkway that linked the path from the dorms to the academic buildings, hunched against the cold, hat pulled down, hands tucked into her pockets, the soup she’d picked up from the deli section of the grocery store on her lap, warming her thighs. She was nervously waiting for Morgan to appear. They hadn’t spoken since their fight the night before, and Raven couldn’t take it anymore. She’d begged off plans with her friends and had driven up to campus.
She spotted Morgan before Morgan noticed her. She was walking alone, her head bent toward the cell phone in her hands, her thumbs rapidly texting. Raven couldn’t tear her eyes away, she was so mesmerized by the sight. Her nerves over a possible continuation of their fight were overridden by the familiar wave and affection she felt every time she laid eyes on Morgan.
A smile tugged at the corners of her lips as she realized Morgan, intent on her texting, was about to walk right past her. Raven jumped, landing almost right in front of her. Morgan let out a yelp of surprise as she pulled to a stop.
“Raven. What are you doing here?” She hesitated a moment and then pulled Raven in for a hug.
Raven melted into Morgan’s arms.
“We need to talk about last night. I thought maybe we could have dinner and talk.” She raised her arm, drawing Morgan’s attention to the grocery bag hanging off her wrist.
“Let’s go to my room then,” she said and started down the path again. Raven fell into step beside her and the two of them crossed campus in silence.
Morgan unlocked her door and ushered Raven inside ahead of her. The size of the room wasn’t so shocking this time, but she still couldn’t help but wonder how Morgan could stand to live in such a small space.
“I’m sorry for hanging up on you last night,” Morgan said as she sat on the bed, settling cross-legged against the headboard. “And for ignoring all your texts. I was upset, but it was unfair of me to leave you hanging.”
Raven nodded, accepting the apology. Being hung up on definitely stung, and it hurt, being ignored all day, but she didn’t fault Morgan for her reaction.
“I’m sorry for last night,” she said as she slid onto the bed opposite Morgan and placed the bag of soup and sandwiches between them. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know. But do you get why what you did hurt so much?” Morgan asked. “I know things are rough right now,” she continued before Raven could respond. “I remember what it was like, coming to terms with being gay, coming out. It’s hard and it’s scary. But you can’t go around kissing guys whenever you feel confused or insecure or—”
“I know. It was a one-time thing, okay? A momentary lapse in judgment.”
Morgan took a deep breath, her eyes closing for a brief moment, then she brought her gaze back up to meet Raven’s. “Sorry. My last girlfriend cheated on me. It’s sort of a sore subject.”
Hearing that made Raven feel even worse about what she’d done.
“But it doesn’t change the fact that we can’t keep going on like this.”
Raven was pretty sure she stopped breathing at the words. “What…what do you mean?”
“It means, I can’t take much more of this secret rela
tionship. I know things are hard and confusing for you right now. And I’ll always care about and support you. But I’m out, Raven. And I won’t go back in the closet for you.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“Yes, you are. Every time I have to lie to my friends about where I’m going. Every time I have to hug you in public, instead of kissing you like I want to. Every time we walk across campus and I don’t take your hand. All the time we spend holed up in here instead of going out, like a normal couple, that’s me taking a step backward.”
Raven hadn’t thought of it like that. “I’m sorry.”
“I know. But sometimes sorry isn’t enough, Rae.”
Raven nodded. It hurt to know her actions were causing Morgan pain.
“I’ll work on it, okay? I’ll come out to my family, soon. I promise. And in the meantime, let me take you out,” she said. “A real date. Somewhere fancy to celebrate your art show. We can get all dressed up and…and it’ll be great.” She wasn’t ready to come out to her family and friends yet, but she could do this for Morgan, could take her out on a proper date. “What do you say?”
“I say it sounds amazing,” Morgan said, a grin turning up the corners of her lips as she shifted onto her knees and reached out, her hand snagging Raven’s shirt. “Now, come here.” She pulled Raven forward. “Know the best part about fighting?” she whispered. “Making up,” she finished, before capturing Raven’s lips in a kiss.
Chapter Twenty-four
Raven had never planned a date before, and she was nervous. She wanted it to be special, to be perfect, but there were so many things that could go wrong. What if Morgan didn’t like the food at the restaurant? Or the waiter was rude? Or the atmosphere was wrong? And she had no idea if she was supposed to bring flowers or hold open doors or pull out chairs.
She was anxious and eager and grateful her parents had left late that morning for lunch and a show with some friends because she knew they would pick up on her distraction. She tried watching movies and reading and doing homework but couldn’t stay focused on any one thing for very long. It was a relief when five o’clock rolled around and she had to start getting ready.
She showered, washing and conditioning her hair and then blew it dry before carefully curling it into loose, soft waves that settled around her shoulders. She meticulously applied her makeup, dark browns and smoky grays to draw out her eyes, concealer, blush on her cheeks, a faint sheen on her lips. Her hand remained steady despite the butterflies in her stomach.
She’d picked her dress out days ago, a simple purple baby doll, which she would pair with some ankle boots and a cream cardigan sweater. It would be a little cold, but she had her long, black wool coat, and they would be inside most of the evening.
By just after six, she was ready. She gathered her cell phone, her purse, and the bouquet of lilies she’d picked up after school on Friday and hidden in the cold storage room in the basement, and headed out the door.
As the miles flew past, bringing her closer to her destination, her nervousness began to dissipate until eventually she was feeling only excitement. This was her first real date! The first one she’d truly wanted to go on. She couldn’t wait to see how Morgan looked all dressed up. Couldn’t wait to hold her hand and stare across the table at her in some dimly lit restaurant, knowing that when she caught Morgan’s eye and smiled it was because she was having a wonderful time. And they would have a wonderful time, she was sure of that. From studying in the library to hanging out in Morgan’s dorm room, they’d always had a good time together, and tonight wouldn’t be any different.
It seemed ridiculous now that she’d ever been worried. So what if the restaurant sucked or the food was horrible or she spilled her drink all over the table? They would laugh about it and move on. Yes, she wanted tonight to be perfect. But if it wasn’t, it wouldn’t be the end of the world because they’d be together. She already knew Morgan liked her. It wasn’t like she had to impress her.
*
She reached the university just after seven, confident and steady as she climbed out of her car and started toward Morgan’s dorm building. As she approached, she shot off a quick text to let Morgan know she was there. She really wished she could have gone up to Morgan’s room. Knocking on her door and presenting her with her flowers was much more romantic than waiting in the lobby, but she wasn’t a student so security wouldn’t let her past unless she was with a resident of the dorms.
A few minutes later, the elevator doors slid open and Morgan stepped out.
“Hey,” she said with a smile. Morgan’s answering smile was soft and swift.
“Hey,” she said as she came to a stop in front of Raven, her arms sliding easily around her waist. Raven returned the embrace, holding Morgan tightly against her for a moment before releasing her and stepping back. Then she glanced around and shifted nervously, noticing several pairs of curious eyes on them.
“These are for you,” she said. She cleared her throat and tried not to feel awkward as she presented Morgan with the bouquet of flowers she’d brought.
Morgan’s smile grew wider as she took the flowers and lifted them to her nose. “Thank you, Raven. They’re beautiful.” She took a quick sniff and then lowered the bouquet so she could tilt her head up and give Raven a light kiss.
Raven’s cheeks heated and she struggled to keep her gaze on Morgan and not let it drift over to the small crowd of spectators. She really would rather have done this without an audience.
“Shall we go?” she asked, crooking her elbow for Morgan.
“Shall?” Morgan teased her as she took the proffered elbow.
Raven shrugged. It had sounded formal and gallant. She was sure she’d heard it on TV.
They walked in an easy, comfortable silence across the campus back to Raven’s car.
“Where are we going?” Morgan asked, once they were buckled in.
“Little Italy. I’ve heard it’s amazing.” And pricey, but she wasn’t going to point that out. She’d gone online looking for good date restaurants, and that one had gotten the best reviews. She’d never been there herself; it was a little out of the way for any of the other dates she’d been on, so she was trusting the word of random strangers on the Internet. They couldn’t all be wrong.
Morgan nodded. “I think Jules has mentioned it. That guy she was seeing last semester, Ryan? I think he took her there.”
Raven froze. She hadn’t been thinking that other students from the university might take their dates there. What if they ran into Jules? Or someone else they knew? After a moment, she relaxed. Julia wasn’t seeing anybody right now, and Raven didn’t know anyone else who lived around here. “You do like Italian food, right?” she asked. It had seemed like a safe enough choice. Everyone liked pasta.
“I’m not a picky eater,” Morgan said. “But, yes, I do like Italian. And Greek, and Chinese, and Thai. I’m not too fond of Indian food though.”
Raven nodded, making a mental note. “I don’t like sushi,” she said. “Something about the idea of eating slimy, uncooked things…” She let out a shudder, which made Morgan laugh.
“Can’t say I blame you, when you put it that way. However, I happen to like sushi.”
“Say it isn’t so.” Raven mock gasped.
“Is that a deal breaker?”
“It might be,” Raven said, shaking her head in disapproval and sadness. “It just might be.”
“Well, what can I do to make you change your mind?”
Raven glanced over. “If you ever do eat sushi…”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t tell me. And make sure you brush your teeth really, really well.”
Morgan laughed lightly. “It’s a deal.”
Raven pulled up in front of the restaurant, and before she had a chance to do it herself, the valet was opening Morgan’s door for her, guiding her out and over the curb by the hand before crossing around to Raven’s side.
“This place is pretty swanky,” Morgan said quie
tly as Raven joined her on the sidewalk. “Are you sure—”
“I’m sure.” Raven took her arm and led her toward the front door. Despite such trappings as the valet and the coat check, or the linen tablecloths, heavy silverware, and the crystal glasses, the restaurant wasn’t as expensive as it looked. The prices were reasonable, considering. More than her budget could handle on a regular basis, but one night wouldn’t bankrupt her.
They checked their coats, then checked out each other for the first time.
“Wow, you look amazing,” Raven breathed, stunned by the full picture of Morgan all dressed up.
Morgan’s face lit up in a soft smile. “So do you.”
Raven’s cheeks heated from Morgan’s open, obviously approving appraisal.
The hostess led them to a table along the far wall, fairly secluded by ivy-covered lattices that served as decoration as well as sectioning the dining room off into several smaller areas. There were three other tables in their section and only one was occupied, by an elderly couple lost in their own little world. They hadn’t even looked up at Raven and Morgan as the hostess led them through.
“Your menus,” said the hostess, laying them on the table. “Your server will be over momentarily.”
“Thank you,” Raven murmured as she slid into her seat across from Morgan.
The lack of other diners, low lighting, and flickering candle glow created a sense of intimacy that had Raven relaxing into her chair and reaching across the table to take Morgan’s hand in her own.
“This place is nice,” Morgan said softly as she glanced around. “I like the frescoes on the wall.”
“You would notice those,” Raven teased her gently. “You’re such an art nerd.”
The paintings on the wall were quite beautiful though. She could see why they’d caught Morgan’s eye, art student or not. The one beside them was an incredibly realistic rendering of the coliseum at night. It felt like they were sitting under the stars in the shadow of the ruins.
Everything Changes Page 9
