by David Millar
I blended in as quietly as I could, and hung out a bit with the boys on the Scottish team, but I’m always a bit edgy when I find myself surrounded by other sports people. I’m always afraid that all they see me as is ‘different’, an unwelcome outsider. This probably isn’t helped by the fact that I’ve only ever spent time with other non-cycling sportspeople at the Sydney Olympics, so the precedent didn’t bode well.
Of the other riders out there, Mark and I had the most in common but we were also enjoying being in a completely alien environment. Being with athletes who had full-time jobs outside of sport, and for whom the Commonwealth Games was possibly the highlight of their sporting careers, was a refreshing and inspiring atmosphere. Mark and I loved being part of it all. In fact, Mark seemed more at ease and happier than I’d ever seen him.
We competed in the Commonwealth road race before the time trial. I’d never raced with any of my Scottish teammates before and yet we rode as if we’d spent the whole year racing together on the same professional team. We were all so proud to be wearing our white and blue, thistle-adorned jerseys, and we made sure everybody in the race knew it. But Scotland had never won a medal in any of the road events before and I wasn’t expecting to be the person to change that record in the road race.
It was a pan-flat sprinter’s course, raced around the central, deserted streets of Delhi. I had nothing to lose and raced like it, but the team was brilliant, doing everything I’d asked of them and setting me up perfectly to blow apart the second half of the race. I did as much as I could to rip the field to pieces, planning to tire out the sprinters in what I imagined would be a fairly impossible attempt to claim the elusive and unprecedented Scottish road cycling medal.
Yet the tactic worked and I finished in an exhausted but elated third place. It was a great feeling to be on the podium and watch the saltire being raised, even if it was for bronze and not for gold. The team was ecstatic and we all shared the joy of success, although I didn’t join the festivities that evening as my main event, the individual time trial, was yet to come.
As an experienced time triallist, it was taken for granted that I’d win the gold medal in Delhi. I’ve been pre-race favourite many times in the past and it’s never something I enjoy. It was made even more daunting by the time trial course, which, like the road race course, was completely flat. It was also dead straight; we raced 20 kilometres up the road, made a U-turn and then raced 20 kilometres back.
The weather was dry and dusty, with the temperature sitting in the low 40s. There was a howling tailwind on the outwards section, which ensured a horrendous headwind on the way back. None of this suggested a nice day out. I knew it was going to hurt like hell, as the flat and straight route meant that once I’d got up to speed, I’d only be shifting from my aerodynamic time-trialling position for the few seconds of braking, turning and accelerating at the 20 kilometre turnaround. This would put my body under a lot of stress, painful stress. That didn’t bother me too much – it was more the psychological stress that worried me.
There would be no time checks, no supporters on the road – just me, the heat, the wind, the breathing and the pedalling. In other words, not much for me to concentrate on – just a painful, rasping meditation through time, racing against the clock.
Yet the amount of infrastructure the Games organisation had put into it compared to a Tour de France stage. Much of this was because they’d catered for a visit from a head of state, Scotland’s First Minister Alex Salmond. He’d been told that he could count on a Scottish gold medal in the individual time trial. No pressure then.
I didn’t feel good for most of the time trial, which wouldn’t have been so bad if the course had been technical and fun. At least then I could have distracted myself with the technical intricacies of the race.
All I could think about was keeping my hands in the most aerodynamic position I could manage, focusing on my fingers being perfectly aligned and keeping my head down and out of the wind. I used my peripheral vision to guide me while balancing my maximal sustainable aerobic workload, against the delicate near overload of lactate.
I had no idea what the time gaps were to the riders I had to beat. The longer it went on for, the more insecure I became about my performance. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I began to seriously overheat, which made the final kilometres excruciating, although it still looked effortless on TV.
Finally, with about 2 kilometres to go, I saw the Australian Luke Durbridge, who’d started a minute ahead of me. For the first time since I’d rolled down the start ramp, I knew I was going to win.
I crossed the finish line and wheeled to a halt, throat rasping. I craved water and downed bottle after bottle, finally cooling my badly over-heated body. Then I was able to enjoy it.
Everybody connected to the Scottish contingent was overjoyed. Although they’d expected me to win, that didn’t detract from the joy that we were all sharing. This definitely wasn’t business as usual – all the Scottish team had brought their kilts and put them on while I’d been out on the course. Alex Salmond was clearly ecstatic and appeared in the throng, giving me a big hug, live on BBC. I was a very, very proud Scot.
Mark was there to congratulate me too. He was in no rush to return to Europe and had spent the day helping out the Manx riders, working for the team, checking the kit, putting bikes on the roof rack and driving one of the following cars – the highest paid, most famous directeur sportif in the world.
By that evening, Mark had become an adopted Scot. There was a reception at ‘Scotland House’, a hotel that had been taken over by the Scottish federation for the duration of the Games.
Later, Mark and I commandeered the bar upstairs and invited everybody to join us. By the end of the night, we were in my room drinking Dom Perignon – Mark, not a big drinker, feels that when he does drink he must quaff only the finest champagne – celebrating the end of another season.
When I woke up a few hours later, there were two unfinished bottles by my bed. I got up and wandered over to the window, carefully avoiding the debris scattered across the floor, bleary-eyed but looking forward to the new day.
My planned cinematic sweeping opening of the curtains, to reveal a widescreen view of Delhi, stalled when I realised there was a technical glitch, preventing such a grandiose moment.
Finally, after some fiddling, I found the right cord and the curtains swept aside. I’d forgotten that I was on the top floor of the hotel and was taken aback by my eagle’s view of this amazing city. Everything below looked so calm and peaceful, a long way from the reality.
I stood there for a while, my forehead pressed against the window and just stared. Below me, India was in its usual bustling frenzy, but up in my room, high above Delhi, it was so quiet. I don’t know how long I stood there, but it was long enough for me to understand where I was, what I’d done and where I’d come from.
I had always been scared to push the fast-forward button France and I had wished we’d had six years earlier, sitting at the top of the steps down to the beach in Biarritz. Now finally, I did.
Everything that had come before ran through my mind: playing with my Star Wars toys, running through the RAF aircraft hangar with Dad watching over me, discovering cycling, my parents’ separating in the dead of night, leaving Mum and France for Hong Kong and all its wonders, my dreams of turning pro, the success at Cofidis, Biarritz and loneliness, racing – always racing – the Tour de France, its beauty and pain, doping and lies, losing it all when I had it all, working with WADA, meeting Nicole, and then back to France and I, and the steps at my feet, leading down to the warm sand of the beach in Biarritz.
I stood, hungover, barefoot, a gold medal on the bedside table, forehead pressed against the window in a Delhi hotel room, quietly crying, a last wave washing over me, feeling something I thought I’d never know.
Redemption.
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
PLATE SECTION PHOTOS:
Section 1
Graham Watson, Dauphine Libere 1999
Graham Watson, Etoile de Besseges 1997
Graham Watson, Tour de France 2000
Bruno Bade, Tour de France 2000
Graham Watson, Vuelta Espana 2001
Rodolphe Escher, Tour de France 2002
Tim De Waele, Tour de France 2003
Tim De Waele, Worlds 2003
Tim De Waele, Worlds 2003
Section 2
Bryn Lennon (Getty Images), Tour de France 2007
Pete Goding, Tour de France 2007
Damien Meyer (Getty Images), Giro d’Italia 2008
Tim De Waele, Tour de France 2008
Tim De Waele, Dauphine Libere 2009
Tim De Waele, Tour of Flanders 2010
Bruno Bade, Chrono des Nations 2010
Section 3
Timm Koelln, Girona, March 2011
Section 1
Graham Watson, Dauphine Libere 1999
Graham Watson, Etoile de Besseges 1997
Graham Watson, Tour de France 2000
Bruno Bade, Tour de France 2000
Graham Watson, Vuelta Espana 2001
Rodolphe Escher, Tour de France 2002
Tim De Waele, Tour de France 2003
Tim De Waele, Worlds 2003
Tim De Waele, Worlds 2003
Section 2
Bryn Lennon (Getty Images), Tour de France 2007
Pete Goding, Tour de France 2007
Damien Meyer (Getty Images), Giro d’Italia 2008
Tim De Waele, Tour de France 2008
Tim De Waele, Dauphine Libere 2009
Tim De Waele, Tour of Flanders 2010
Bruno Bade, Chrono des Nations 2010
Section 3
Timm Koelln, Girona, March 2011
INDEX
Addy, Bob, ref1
Alpe d’Huez, ref1, ref2
altitude training, ref1, ref2
Amaury Sports Organisation (ASO), ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Andreu, Frankie, ref1, ref2, ref3
Angliru, ref1
Armstrong, Lance, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9
and Cofidis team, ref1
and DM’s drinking, ref1
and doping, ref1
and Tour de France (2000), ref1, ref2, ref3
and Tour de France (2001), ref1
and Tour de France (2003), ref1
and Tour de France (2009), ref1, ref2
Astana team, ref1, ref2
Augé, Stéphane, ref1, ref2
Australia, ref1, ref2
Axford, Danny, ref1
Ballard, J.G., ref1
Banesto team, ref1
Barras, Sid, ref1
Barry, Michael, ref1
Barry, Mike, ref1
Bartoli, Michele, ref1, ref2
Basso, Ivan, ref1, ref2
Belgium, and cycling, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Béziers, ref1
Biarritz
DM’s arrest, ref1, ref2
DM’s departure from, ref1
DM’s house, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7
DM’s move to, ref1
Frutoso’s home, ref1, ref2
house-hunting, ref1
partying, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Bicicleta Vasca, ref1
Biver, Marc, ref1, ref2
blood passports, ref1
blood transfusions, ref1
Blue Cargo restaurant, ref1
BMX racing, ref1, ref2
Boardman, Chris, ref1, ref2
Bodrogi, Laszlo, ref1
Bondue, Alain, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11
Boogerd, Michael, ref1, ref2
Boonen, Tom, ref1
Borysewicz, Eddie, ref1
Botero, Santiago, ref1
Brailsford, David, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
and DM’s problems, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7
and Team Sky, ref1, ref2
British Cycling Federation, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
British Olympic Association, ref1, ref2
Brittany, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Brochard, Laurent, ref1, ref2, ref3
Bruyneel, Johan, ref1
Butler, Paul, ref1
Cancellara, Fabian, ref1, ref2, ref3
Carter, Bridget, ref1, ref2
Casagrande, Francesco, ref1, ref2
Cavendish, Mark, ref1, ref2, ref3
Cecchini, Luigi, ref1, ref2
Champs–Elysées, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref 5
Chanel, Coco, ref1, ref2
Chavanel, Sylvain, ref1
Chinese Triads, ref1
Cholet–Pays de Loire, ref1
Circuit de La Sarthe, ref1, ref2, ref3
Clásica de Alcobendas, ref1
Classique des Alpes, ref1
climbing stages, ref1
Cofidis team
bonus system, ref1, ref2
chain ring fiasco, ref1
and cortisone use, ref1
DM contract, ref1, ref2, ref3
DM joins, ref1, ref2
DM and leadership, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
and doping, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10
Italian riders, ref1
sponsorship model, ref1
support staff, ref1
and tax authorities, ref1
Cofidis affair, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
Col de la Colombière, ref1
Col de la Madeleine, ref1, ref2
Col du Tourmalet, ref1
Commonwealth Games, ref1
Conconi, Professor Francesco, ref1
Contador, Alberto, ref1, ref2, ref3
Cooke, Nicole, ref1
Cordier, Pascal, ref1, ref2
Coulthard, David, ref1
Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS), ref1, ref2, ref3
Craig, Nick, ref1, ref2
Criterium International, ref1, ref2, ref3
CSC team, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
cycling
ad hoc deals, ref1
amateur culture, ref1, ref2
annual break, ref1
and anti-doping measures, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref 5
British cycling, ref1
doping in, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10
and French culture, ref1, ref2
national styles, ref1
new-world cycling, ref1
and recovery techniques, ref1, ref2
road cycling, ref1
and sports medicine, ref1
and team logistics, ref1
and WADA code, ref1
Cycling Weekly, ref1, ref2
Dauphiné Libéré, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref 4, ref5
Dean, Julian, ref1
Delgado, Pedro, ref1
Desbiens, Laurent, ref1
Devolder, Stijn, ref1
directeurs sportifs, ref1, ref2
Discovery Channel team, ref1, ref2
Dolan, Terry, ref1
domestiques, ref1
Doyle, Tony, ref1
drugs
amphetamines, ref1, ref2
antibiotics, ref1
cocaine, ref1, ref2, ref3
cortisone, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7
‘Pot-Belge’, ref1
sleeping pills, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
testosterone, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
see also EPO; recovery injections
Dublin, ref1
Dubois, Jacky, ref1
Dunkirk crash, ref1, ref2, ref3
Durbridge, Luke, ref1
Edinburgh, ref1, ref2
Eiffel Tower, ref1
Ellingworth, Rod, ref1, ref2
Ellis, Brett Easton, ref1
Ellis, Doug, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Ellroy, James, ref1, ref2
English Institute of Sport (EIS), ref1, ref2
EPO, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, re
f12, ref13
DM’s use of, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
Étape du Tour, ref1
Étoile de Besseges, ref1, ref2, ref3
Euskaltel team, ref1
Exteberria, David, ref1
Falklands War, ref1
Farrand, Stephen, ref1
Farrar, Tyler, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
Fernández, Bingen, ref1
Fernández, David, ref1
Ferrari, Michele, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Festina affair, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10
Fignon, Laurent, ref1, ref2
Flèche Wallonne, ref1
Fondriest, Maurizio, ref1, ref2
Forres, ref1
Four Days of Dunkirk, ref1, ref2
Françaises des Jeux team, ref1
France, and cycling, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
Freycinet, Katherine de, ref1, ref2
Friebe, Daniel, ref1
Frutoso, Eric, ref1, ref2
Fuentes, Eufemiano, ref1
Gan team, ref1, ref2
Gaumont, Philippe, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
and Cofidis affair, ref1, ref2
Gayant, Martial, ref1, ref2, ref3
Ghent–Wevelgem, ref1
Gianetti, Mauro, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Gibbings, Harry, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11
Gilbert, Philippe, ref1
Giro d’Italia, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
Girona, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref 6, ref7, ref8
Gonzalez, Txema, ref1
Goodhew, Ian, ref1
GP Chiasso, ref1
GP Lugano, ref1
