Racing Through the Dark: The Fall and Rise of David Millar

by David Millar

  I blended in as quietly as I could, and hung out a bit with the boys on the Scottish team, but I’m always a bit edgy when I find myself surrounded by other sports people. I’m always afraid that all they see me as is ‘different’, an unwelcome outsider. This probably isn’t helped by the fact that I’ve only ever spent time with other non-cycling sportspeople at the Sydney Olympics, so the precedent didn’t bode well.

  Of the other riders out there, Mark and I had the most in common but we were also enjoying being in a completely alien environment. Being with athletes who had full-time jobs outside of sport, and for whom the Commonwealth Games was possibly the highlight of their sporting careers, was a refreshing and inspiring atmosphere. Mark and I loved being part of it all. In fact, Mark seemed more at ease and happier than I’d ever seen him.

  We competed in the Commonwealth road race before the time trial. I’d never raced with any of my Scottish teammates before and yet we rode as if we’d spent the whole year racing together on the same professional team. We were all so proud to be wearing our white and blue, thistle-adorned jerseys, and we made sure everybody in the race knew it. But Scotland had never won a medal in any of the road events before and I wasn’t expecting to be the person to change that record in the road race.

  It was a pan-flat sprinter’s course, raced around the central, deserted streets of Delhi. I had nothing to lose and raced like it, but the team was brilliant, doing everything I’d asked of them and setting me up perfectly to blow apart the second half of the race. I did as much as I could to rip the field to pieces, planning to tire out the sprinters in what I imagined would be a fairly impossible attempt to claim the elusive and unprecedented Scottish road cycling medal.

  Yet the tactic worked and I finished in an exhausted but elated third place. It was a great feeling to be on the podium and watch the saltire being raised, even if it was for bronze and not for gold. The team was ecstatic and we all shared the joy of success, although I didn’t join the festivities that evening as my main event, the individual time trial, was yet to come.

  As an experienced time triallist, it was taken for granted that I’d win the gold medal in Delhi. I’ve been pre-race favourite many times in the past and it’s never something I enjoy. It was made even more daunting by the time trial course, which, like the road race course, was completely flat. It was also dead straight; we raced 20 kilometres up the road, made a U-turn and then raced 20 kilometres back.

  The weather was dry and dusty, with the temperature sitting in the low 40s. There was a howling tailwind on the outwards section, which ensured a horrendous headwind on the way back. None of this suggested a nice day out. I knew it was going to hurt like hell, as the flat and straight route meant that once I’d got up to speed, I’d only be shifting from my aerodynamic time-trialling position for the few seconds of braking, turning and accelerating at the 20 kilometre turnaround. This would put my body under a lot of stress, painful stress. That didn’t bother me too much – it was more the psychological stress that worried me.

  There would be no time checks, no supporters on the road – just me, the heat, the wind, the breathing and the pedalling. In other words, not much for me to concentrate on – just a painful, rasping meditation through time, racing against the clock.

  Yet the amount of infrastructure the Games organisation had put into it compared to a Tour de France stage. Much of this was because they’d catered for a visit from a head of state, Scotland’s First Minister Alex Salmond. He’d been told that he could count on a Scottish gold medal in the individual time trial. No pressure then.

  I didn’t feel good for most of the time trial, which wouldn’t have been so bad if the course had been technical and fun. At least then I could have distracted myself with the technical intricacies of the race.

  All I could think about was keeping my hands in the most aerodynamic position I could manage, focusing on my fingers being perfectly aligned and keeping my head down and out of the wind. I used my peripheral vision to guide me while balancing my maximal sustainable aerobic workload, against the delicate near overload of lactate.

  I had no idea what the time gaps were to the riders I had to beat. The longer it went on for, the more insecure I became about my performance. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I began to seriously overheat, which made the final kilometres excruciating, although it still looked effortless on TV.

  Finally, with about 2 kilometres to go, I saw the Australian Luke Durbridge, who’d started a minute ahead of me. For the first time since I’d rolled down the start ramp, I knew I was going to win.

  I crossed the finish line and wheeled to a halt, throat rasping. I craved water and downed bottle after bottle, finally cooling my badly over-heated body. Then I was able to enjoy it.

  Everybody connected to the Scottish contingent was overjoyed. Although they’d expected me to win, that didn’t detract from the joy that we were all sharing. This definitely wasn’t business as usual – all the Scottish team had brought their kilts and put them on while I’d been out on the course. Alex Salmond was clearly ecstatic and appeared in the throng, giving me a big hug, live on BBC. I was a very, very proud Scot.

  Mark was there to congratulate me too. He was in no rush to return to Europe and had spent the day helping out the Manx riders, working for the team, checking the kit, putting bikes on the roof rack and driving one of the following cars – the highest paid, most famous directeur sportif in the world.

  By that evening, Mark had become an adopted Scot. There was a reception at ‘Scotland House’, a hotel that had been taken over by the Scottish federation for the duration of the Games.

  Later, Mark and I commandeered the bar upstairs and invited everybody to join us. By the end of the night, we were in my room drinking Dom Perignon – Mark, not a big drinker, feels that when he does drink he must quaff only the finest champagne – celebrating the end of another season.

  When I woke up a few hours later, there were two unfinished bottles by my bed. I got up and wandered over to the window, carefully avoiding the debris scattered across the floor, bleary-eyed but looking forward to the new day.

  My planned cinematic sweeping opening of the curtains, to reveal a widescreen view of Delhi, stalled when I realised there was a technical glitch, preventing such a grandiose moment.

  Finally, after some fiddling, I found the right cord and the curtains swept aside. I’d forgotten that I was on the top floor of the hotel and was taken aback by my eagle’s view of this amazing city. Everything below looked so calm and peaceful, a long way from the reality.

  I stood there for a while, my forehead pressed against the window and just stared. Below me, India was in its usual bustling frenzy, but up in my room, high above Delhi, it was so quiet. I don’t know how long I stood there, but it was long enough for me to understand where I was, what I’d done and where I’d come from.

  I had always been scared to push the fast-forward button France and I had wished we’d had six years earlier, sitting at the top of the steps down to the beach in Biarritz. Now finally, I did.

  Everything that had come before ran through my mind: playing with my Star Wars toys, running through the RAF aircraft hangar with Dad watching over me, discovering cycling, my parents’ separating in the dead of night, leaving Mum and France for Hong Kong and all its wonders, my dreams of turning pro, the success at Cofidis, Biarritz and loneliness, racing – always racing – the Tour de France, its beauty and pain, doping and lies, losing it all when I had it all, working with WADA, meeting Nicole, and then back to France and I, and the steps at my feet, leading down to the warm sand of the beach in Biarritz.

  I stood, hungover, barefoot, a gold medal on the bedside table, forehead pressed against the window in a Delhi hotel room, quietly crying, a last wave washing over me, feeling something I thought I’d never know.

  Redemption.

  LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

  PLATE SECTION PHOTOS:

  Section 1

 
Graham Watson, Dauphine Libere 1999

  Graham Watson, Etoile de Besseges 1997

  Graham Watson, Tour de France 2000

  Bruno Bade, Tour de France 2000

  Graham Watson, Vuelta Espana 2001

  Rodolphe Escher, Tour de France 2002

  Tim De Waele, Tour de France 2003

  Tim De Waele, Worlds 2003

  Tim De Waele, Worlds 2003

  Section 2

  Bryn Lennon (Getty Images), Tour de France 2007

  Pete Goding, Tour de France 2007

  Damien Meyer (Getty Images), Giro d’Italia 2008

  Tim De Waele, Tour de France 2008

  Tim De Waele, Dauphine Libere 2009

  Tim De Waele, Tour of Flanders 2010

  Bruno Bade, Chrono des Nations 2010

  Section 3

  Timm Koelln, Girona, March 2011

  Section 1

  Graham Watson, Dauphine Libere 1999

  Graham Watson, Etoile de Besseges 1997

  Graham Watson, Tour de France 2000

  Bruno Bade, Tour de France 2000

  Graham Watson, Vuelta Espana 2001

  Rodolphe Escher, Tour de France 2002

  Tim De Waele, Tour de France 2003

  Tim De Waele, Worlds 2003

  Tim De Waele, Worlds 2003

  Section 2

  Bryn Lennon (Getty Images), Tour de France 2007

  Pete Goding, Tour de France 2007

  Damien Meyer (Getty Images), Giro d’Italia 2008

  Tim De Waele, Tour de France 2008

  Tim De Waele, Dauphine Libere 2009

  Tim De Waele, Tour of Flanders 2010

  Bruno Bade, Chrono des Nations 2010

  Section 3

  Timm Koelln, Girona, March 2011

  INDEX

  Addy, Bob, ref1

  Alpe d’Huez, ref1, ref2

  altitude training, ref1, ref2

  Amaury Sports Organisation (ASO), ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4

  Andreu, Frankie, ref1, ref2, ref3

  Angliru, ref1

  Armstrong, Lance, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9

  and Cofidis team, ref1

  and DM’s drinking, ref1

  and doping, ref1

  and Tour de France (2000), ref1, ref2, ref3

  and Tour de France (2001), ref1

  and Tour de France (2003), ref1

  and Tour de France (2009), ref1, ref2

  Astana team, ref1, ref2

  Augé, Stéphane, ref1, ref2

  Australia, ref1, ref2

  Axford, Danny, ref1

  Ballard, J.G., ref1

  Banesto team, ref1

  Barras, Sid, ref1

  Barry, Michael, ref1

  Barry, Mike, ref1

  Bartoli, Michele, ref1, ref2

  Basso, Ivan, ref1, ref2

  Belgium, and cycling, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4

  Béziers, ref1

  Biarritz

  DM’s arrest, ref1, ref2

  DM’s departure from, ref1

  DM’s house, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7

  DM’s move to, ref1

  Frutoso’s home, ref1, ref2

  house-hunting, ref1

  partying, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4

  Bicicleta Vasca, ref1

  Biver, Marc, ref1, ref2

  blood passports, ref1

  blood transfusions, ref1

  Blue Cargo restaurant, ref1

  BMX racing, ref1, ref2

  Boardman, Chris, ref1, ref2

  Bodrogi, Laszlo, ref1

  Bondue, Alain, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11

  Boogerd, Michael, ref1, ref2

  Boonen, Tom, ref1

  Borysewicz, Eddie, ref1

  Botero, Santiago, ref1

  Brailsford, David, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6

  and DM’s problems, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7

  and Team Sky, ref1, ref2

  British Cycling Federation, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6

  British Olympic Association, ref1, ref2

  Brittany, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4

  Brochard, Laurent, ref1, ref2, ref3

  Bruyneel, Johan, ref1

  Butler, Paul, ref1

  Cancellara, Fabian, ref1, ref2, ref3

  Carter, Bridget, ref1, ref2

  Casagrande, Francesco, ref1, ref2

  Cavendish, Mark, ref1, ref2, ref3

  Cecchini, Luigi, ref1, ref2

  Champs–Elysées, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref 5

  Chanel, Coco, ref1, ref2

  Chavanel, Sylvain, ref1

  Chinese Triads, ref1

  Cholet–Pays de Loire, ref1

  Circuit de La Sarthe, ref1, ref2, ref3

  Clásica de Alcobendas, ref1

  Classique des Alpes, ref1

  climbing stages, ref1

  Cofidis team

  bonus system, ref1, ref2

  chain ring fiasco, ref1

  and cortisone use, ref1

  DM contract, ref1, ref2, ref3

  DM joins, ref1, ref2

  DM and leadership, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4

  and doping, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10

  Italian riders, ref1

  sponsorship model, ref1

  support staff, ref1

  and tax authorities, ref1

  Cofidis affair, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5

  Col de la Colombière, ref1

  Col de la Madeleine, ref1, ref2

  Col du Tourmalet, ref1

  Commonwealth Games, ref1

  Conconi, Professor Francesco, ref1

  Contador, Alberto, ref1, ref2, ref3

  Cooke, Nicole, ref1

  Cordier, Pascal, ref1, ref2

  Coulthard, David, ref1

  Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS), ref1, ref2, ref3

  Craig, Nick, ref1, ref2

  Criterium International, ref1, ref2, ref3

  CSC team, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4

  cycling

  ad hoc deals, ref1

  amateur culture, ref1, ref2

  annual break, ref1

  and anti-doping measures, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref 5

  British cycling, ref1

  doping in, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10

  and French culture, ref1, ref2

  national styles, ref1

  new-world cycling, ref1

  and recovery techniques, ref1, ref2

  road cycling, ref1

  and sports medicine, ref1

  and team logistics, ref1

  and WADA code, ref1

  Cycling Weekly, ref1, ref2

  Dauphiné Libéré, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref 4, ref5

  Dean, Julian, ref1

  Delgado, Pedro, ref1

  Desbiens, Laurent, ref1

  Devolder, Stijn, ref1

  directeurs sportifs, ref1, ref2

  Discovery Channel team, ref1, ref2

  Dolan, Terry, ref1

  domestiques, ref1

  Doyle, Tony, ref1

  drugs

  amphetamines, ref1, ref2

  antibiotics, ref1

  cocaine, ref1, ref2, ref3

  cortisone, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7

  ‘Pot-Belge’, ref1

  sleeping pills, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4

  testosterone, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4

  see also EPO; recovery injections

  Dublin, ref1

  Dubois, Jacky, ref1

  Dunkirk crash, ref1, ref2, ref3

  Durbridge, Luke, ref1

  Edinburgh, ref1, ref2

  Eiffel Tower, ref1

  Ellingworth, Rod, ref1, ref2

  Ellis, Brett Easton, ref1

  Ellis, Doug, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4

  Ellroy, James, ref1, ref2

  English Institute of Sport (EIS), ref1, ref2

  EPO, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, re
f12, ref13

  DM’s use of, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6

  Étape du Tour, ref1

  Étoile de Besseges, ref1, ref2, ref3

  Euskaltel team, ref1

  Exteberria, David, ref1

  Falklands War, ref1

  Farrand, Stephen, ref1

  Farrar, Tyler, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6

  Fernández, Bingen, ref1

  Fernández, David, ref1

  Ferrari, Michele, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4

  Festina affair, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10

  Fignon, Laurent, ref1, ref2

  Flèche Wallonne, ref1

  Fondriest, Maurizio, ref1, ref2

  Forres, ref1

  Four Days of Dunkirk, ref1, ref2

  Françaises des Jeux team, ref1

  France, and cycling, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6

  Freycinet, Katherine de, ref1, ref2

  Friebe, Daniel, ref1

  Frutoso, Eric, ref1, ref2

  Fuentes, Eufemiano, ref1

  Gan team, ref1, ref2

  Gaumont, Philippe, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5

  and Cofidis affair, ref1, ref2

  Gayant, Martial, ref1, ref2, ref3

  Ghent–Wevelgem, ref1

  Gianetti, Mauro, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4

  Gibbings, Harry, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11

  Gilbert, Philippe, ref1

  Giro d’Italia, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6

  Girona, ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref 6, ref7, ref8

  Gonzalez, Txema, ref1

  Goodhew, Ian, ref1

  GP Chiasso, ref1

  GP Lugano, ref1