by Mercy Amare
“I don’t understand how anybody could have sex if there was a chance somebody else would walk in and catch them,” I say.
“Or wake up,” she says. “Which I do wake up. Every single time.”
I laugh.
Andrea throws a pillow at my head. “You can laugh. Your roommates don’t actually share a room with you. You won’t hear Gabe or Ty going at it with some girl at three in the morning.”
“That would be awkward,” I say.
“Yeah, it would,” Gabe agrees. “I would rather not hear that. It’s bad enough that I know you hooked up with Ty.”
I roll my eyes. “Right, because I didn’t pick you up from some random girl’s dorm room two days after we broke up.”
“At least you don’t have to see her every day.”
Ty sits forward. “Gabe, you slept with Kihanna the night we broke up. So you don’t have any room to talk. At least I waited a few weeks.”
Andrea clears her throat. “So, you guys realize it’s Friday night, right? I say we go out. I haven’t got drunk in way too long.”
I stand up. “Yes, let’s get wasted.”
I need alcohol.
Okay, so I don’t always make the best decisions when I’m drunk. But I’m older now. I can control myself now. Or, I think I can.
“She’s a lightweight,” Ty tells Andrea.
“I like being a lightweight. Because I hate the taste of alcohol. And all I want tonight is to forget...” Brian Asher... “everything.”
“There is a party at the alpha... something sorority,” Ty says. “A girl in my English class told me about it.”
Of course she did.
Am I really going to be jealous of some random girl who flirted with Ty?
I turn away from Ty. “Let’s go,” I tell Andrea.
She gets up off the couch, and I hear movement behind me.
Ugh...
“We’re going, too,” Ty says.
“I don’t need you two to babysit me,” I say coldly, not even bothering to look at them.
“You’re not getting rid of us that easily,” he says.
“Come on, guys,” Andrea says. “What if she wants to hook up with some hot guy at the party tonight?”
“I won’t stop her,” Ty says. “Depending on her level of intoxication.”
“Meaning you will stop her,” Andrea says. “Even though you don’t have a right.”
“I’m not going to hook up with anybody tonight,” I say, hoping that Andrea and Ty aren’t going to fight over this. Andrea has some pretty strong opinions. Her personality will clash with Ty’s pretty quickly. She already hates Gabe. I don’t want her hating Ty, too. That would be a nightmare. My best friend hating both of my roommates. Especially since she is going to be spending so much time here.
“This is about the principle,” Andrea says to me.
“No, it’s not,” I say. “I’m glad that I have Ty to keep me from making a huge mistake. I don’t want to get drunk and sleep with some random guy I won’t even remember the next day. It’s gross. If I wanted to do stuff like that, Ty wouldn’t try to stop me. But I want him to.”
“Fine,” she says. “But what about Micah?”
“What about Micah?” I ask.
“You’re going out with him tomorrow night. What are you going to do if you decide you want to sleep with him after the date?” she asks.
“I’m not going to sleep with Micah.”
“You’ve known him long enough. And we all know how much chemistry there is between the two of you,” she says. “Standing next to the two of you is like standing outside during a lightning storm. The electricity in the air—”
“We get the point,” Ty says, cutting her off.
“Point is, what if you want to have sex with him after the date?” she asks, ignoring Ty.
“I’m not going to have sex with Micah tomorrow.”
“What if you change your mind tomorrow?” she asks.
“Well, I certainly wouldn’t bring Micah here to have sex with him,” I answer.
“Why not? It is your apartment. You should be allowed to have sex with whomever you want to here.”
“Look, Andrea, I get the point that you’re trying to make,” I say. “But the thing is, I want to live here with Ty and Gabe. I am not going to disrespect either one of them by bringing home some random guy. I think that they both will offer the same respect. Micah and I haven’t even kissed. I’m not going to have sex with him on our first date. I’m not that kind of girl. If or when I have sex with him, we will be in a relationship. Right now, I don’t want a relationship.”
Ty smiles way too big at that.
“I meant that for you too,” I say, looking at him. “We are not going to have sex.”
“Okay,” he says.
“Let’s go to this party,” Gabe says.
I look at Gabe. “Don’t bring a random sorority girl back here tonight.”
“I won’t,” he says. “Maybe I haven’t made the best decisions lately, but I respect you enough not to do that to you.”
“Thanks,” I say.
But I’m not sure if I believe him completely. He’s so completely different than the guy I started dating a year ago.
I miss the old Gabe.
11 p.m.
How do you know I’ll regret it?
I lost count of the shots that I’ve taken. And now I’m about to take another one. A body shot. Off Andrea. There are a ton of boys standing around us cheering. Even in my drunken state of mind, I think they’re pigs. But so easily entertained by one girl licking another girl. I’m too drunk to care though. And the cheering kind of makes me excited. Normally I would hate this kind of attention. But alcohol makes me brave.
I haven’t seen Gabe or Ty in a few hours, and I wonder where they are. I didn’t figure that Ty would leave my side all night, but I’m glad he is leaving me alone. I’m kind of glad to have some time away from him.
Nothing will help you forget boy troubles more than some best friend time.
And alcohol.
Definitely alcohol helps.
I bend down and lick the salt off Andrea’s stomach, grab the tequila shot glass, down it, and then use my teeth to get the lime wedge from her mouth. Normally, I would be really grossed out by putting my mouth so close to hers, but for some reason, I don’t care right now.
Everybody cheers as I spit the lime wedge on the floor.
The room started spinning a while ago, and somewhere in the back of my mind I know I should probably stop drinking. But I’m having fun. I never let loose like this and for once in my life, it’s nice not to care about anything.
Around me, I hear the crowd start cheering, “Kiss, kiss, kiss!”
I look around to see who they’re cheering at. Then I realize, it’s Andrea and me.
She grins at me. “Why not?”
There are a lot of reasons why not, but I can’t seem to think of one of them right now.
Andrea leans over to kiss me and just before her lips touch mine, I feel somebody yank me back. The crowd boos.
“That’s enough.” I hear Ty’s voice. “You are going home.”
“I don’t want to,” I say. I sound like I’m whining. Ugh, I hate when people whine. But I really don’t want to go home yet. I am sick of Ty telling me what I can and can’t do.
“I am not going to let you do anything you will regret tomorrow,” he says.
“How do you know I’ll regret it?” I ask, challenging him.
“I’ll ask you tomorrow, when you’re sober, if you want to kiss Andrea. If the answer is yes, I will let you do it,” he says.
“Where have you been anyway? I haven’t seen you.”
“I’ve been watching you. The fact that you haven’t seen me just proves the fact that you’re way too drunk,” Ty says. “If you don’t notice me watching, who else is watching without you noticing?”
A wave of fear rushes over me at his words. Because I know he’s talking about Br
ian right now. Ty is absolutely right. I shouldn’t be drunk right now. I shouldn’t be kissing Andrea. I should be trying to figure out a way to end Brian.
I wish Brian Asher was here right now. I would so give him a piece of my mind.
He is ruining my college experience. Right now is the time I should be making mistakes—getting drunk, kissing girls, dating guys who are completely wrong for me. Instead, I am looking over my shoulder hoping that somebody isn’t standing there, ready to stab me in the back.
“I am going to kill Brian Asher,” I tell Ty, as he takes my hand. I follow him through the thick crowds of people, towards the door.
“I don’t think you will,” Ty says.
“No, I will.”
“You don’t have it in you. You can’t kill somebody,” he says. “You’re too... nice.”
“You’re forgetting, I have killed somebody,” I say, thinking back to the night that Toby was shot and Nicholas was killed. I shot a man. It was self-defense. I shot him to save Toby’s life. But it doesn’t take away the guilt. I try not to focus on that night, because I know that if I could go back I wouldn’t do anything differently. I don’t regret saving my brother’s life.
“I know,” he says. “But it’s different with Brian. You dated him. At one point, you thought you were in love. Or maybe you really were, I don’t know. But you’re not going to kill him. You can’t do it.”
He’s right.
I am not sure if I could kill Brian.
“I hate the word love,” I tell Ty. “It implies so much. Why can’t I love somebody now and not know if I love them enough to spend my life with them?”
“You can,” he replies, helping me get into the passenger’s side of his car. “You’re the one who chooses to complicate it. And for the record, I’ve never asked you to spend forever with me. Just right now.”
He shuts the door, but his words hang in the air as he walks around and gets in the driver’s side.
Once again, Ty is right. I am the one who complicates things.
“Why do you think I’m like this?” I ask Ty, once he’s in the car.
He starts his car and looks over at me. “I don’t know. I didn’t know you before a year ago, but your life with your mom seemed awesome. Not having your dad around had to be hard, but you have told me that you were happy.”
“I was,” I say. “Very happy. And I did miss out by not having my dad around, but I wouldn’t change that.”
“Did you mom ever date anybody?”
“No. My mom always told me that I was her priority,” I tell him, then frown, thinking about it. “When I got older, I told her she should date somebody. I wanted her to be happy, because I knew I wouldn’t always be around. I always planned on going to college somewhere besides St. Louis, preferably out of state. I didn’t want her to be alone.”
“It sounds to me like maybe your mom had commitment issues of her own,” Ty says.
“Maybe.”
But it’s not something I will ever know.
It doesn’t matter that my mom never found love with a guy. Or maybe my dad was her one true love. My mom seemed happy with her life. It was too short, and I hate that cancer stole her away from me, but my mom taught me to make the most out of my life.
“Do you think you’ll ever want to be with me?” Ty asks, once we are on the road.
“It’s a definite possibility,” I answer. “But before I can be happy with you, I need to be happy with me.”
“You’re not happy with you?”
“Not yet.”
“What are you unhappy with?” he asks.
“It’s not that I’m unhappy. I just want to experience more,” I tell him. “There are so many places I haven’t been, and so many friends I haven’t made. I don’t want to be held back from anything. And I never want to say no to anything because I have a boyfriend.”
“And you think I would hold you back?”
“No,” I say, then pause. “Maybe. I mean, you say you won’t hold me back, but then we start dating and things change. You might get jealous if I’m friends with Micah or Gabe or some other guy. And you’d have a right to be jealous, because I’d be jealous if you hung out with some other girl. Instead of going to some party, we’d stay home. I don’t want that. I want to experience college life. I want to get crazy drunk, and kiss whomever I want.”
“You want to kiss Andrea?” Ty asks.
I laugh. “Well, now that we’re away from the party, I can see maybe that would be a bad idea. It was also a bad idea to take that many shots, because my head is pounding. But then again, now is the time to make those mistakes.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t let you kiss her then,” he says.
“I’m not,” I say. “I’m glad you pulled me back. It feels good to know that you care enough about me to have my back. Not even Toby would’ve done that.”
“That’s because Toby would’ve been cheering you on, videoing the whole thing,” Ty says.
“True.”
“I really am sorry,” he says. “You probably won’t even remember this conversation tomorrow.”
“I think I will.”
“Can I be honest with you right now?” he asks.
“Always,” I answer.
“The first time we dated, I really was in love with you,” he says. “I swear I fell in love with you the minute I saw you. You were standing by Toby, and he said something to you that made you smile. And that was it. That was the moment that I knew I had to know you.”
“Because I smiled?” I ask.
“I was really unhappy with my life. I thought to myself if anybody can make me happy, it’s her,” he says. “So I asked you out. It was way too soon, and I was a complete asshole the entire time. I hate how I disrespected you.”
“You’re not that person anymore.”
“But I hurt you,” he says.
“Well, I hurt you back,” I say. “It’s not like I treated you any better.”
“I didn’t think you’d ever give me another chance.”
“Technically, I haven’t given you another chance,” I say. “I think I will though.”
“Really?” he asks.
I nod. “After I figure everything out. By then, it will probably be too late.”
“It’ll never be too late,” Ty says.
“It might be,” I say.
My eyes start to feel heavy, so I lean my head against the window.
“I’ve waited this long for you, I think I can wait a while longer,” he says.
“Good,” I say, and then close my eyes.
Saturday, November 6
10 a.m.
Never drinking again.
My first thought when waking up Saturday morning is, Oh my God, I am never drinking again. My second thought is, How did I get here? The last thing I remember is being in Ty’s car, and now I am in my bed.
I start to roll from my side onto my back when I hit something solid. I am about to freak out, because honestly, I never know when Brian Asher is going to show up. What if he is in my bed? I am relieved when I look over and see Ty.
My relief quickly turns to anger.
Why is Ty in my bed?
I look at myself and see that I am still dressed in my party clothes, and feel slight relief, but still. Why is Ty Newman in my bed right now? And more importantly, what happened after we came to bed last night?
Before I can wake Ty up and ask him exactly what happened, I feel a sharp pain in my stomach and take off towards the bathroom. I puke up every bit of alcohol in my stomach.
And I am seriously never drinking again.
Why did I do this to myself? I don’t even like the taste of alcohol. It was so not worth it. This is miserable.
As soon as I finish vomiting my guts up, I brush my teeth twice. When I walk out of the bathroom, Ty is sitting up in the bed.
He doesn’t look hungover.
“Why did you let me drink that much?” I ask.
“How could I stop you
after Andrea gave that speech about me not interfering?” Ty asks.
Oh, right.
Andrea basically said that Ty couldn’t leave me alone to make my own mistakes. It’s not true. Sure, Ty looks after me, but he won’t stop me if I am insistent. So he left me alone last night and I know that I shouldn’t have drunk so much.
“Thanks for stopping me from kissing Andrea,” I tell him.
Because, seriously.
I am so embarrassed about how I acted last night. I drank enough to say stupid things, but not enough to forget the stupid things I said. I almost wish that I didn’t remember.
“You’re welcome,” Ty says.
“I have a question,” I say. “Why, exactly, are you in my bed?”
“I carried you in here last night, but you were sick so I stayed just in case you needed me,” he answers. “I held the bucket for you while you puked in your sleep and made sure you didn’t get any on the carpet in your new room.”
I hold my hands up to my face, wishing that I could disappear. “Oh, my God, I am so embarrassed.”
“Don’t be,” he says. “I know you’d do the same thing for me.”
“The difference between you and me is that you would never need somebody to hold a puke bucket for you, because you would never get that drunk,” I say.
“No, but I have several times before.”
“I haven’t seen you drink in a long time,” I say. “At least not the point of you being sick from it.”
He shrugs. “I don’t really see the appeal anymore. Alcohol can lead to a lot of stupid decisions, and I want to be in control of my actions. I like to get drunk enough to forget all my problems, but stay sober enough that I don’t do or say anything I will regret. It’s a fine line.”
“You’re right. I am never doing that again,” I say.
Though, I’m pretty sure I said the exact same thing last time.
“If I try to drink again, remind me of this conversation and how I feel right now,” I say, walking towards the bed. I lie down, and hope that the room stops spinning. “Thank you for taking care of me.”
