"Just watch your step," he warned, "and be very careful what you say when we meet the natives."
She stopped, jerking him to a halt as well. "I know you didn't have time to pull up detailed files on this planet, and you acted like you didn't learn much from Tiernan, so how do you know so much about the natives?"
He pulled his medallion out from under the poncho. "My father is Gelfarion and a Postulational, a separate branch of their religion. I grew up in his church, listening to the Postulational priests condemn the Placidian Energumen for heresy against the faith."
Alix nodded, partially understanding. "Are there still En-u-go—"
"Energumen."
"Energumen on Gelfara?"
He smiled at her and her heart pounded. He had to be the most handsome man she'd ever seen. "A few remain, but they're so persecuted only a moron would announce it publicly."
"Hmm," she said, thinking back to his treatment of her over the last few days. "Gelfarions aren't very tolerant as a race, are they?"
Devyn snorted. "Show me any time in history when the Gelfarions have been tolerant either religiously or politically."
"Or individually."
He glared at her and she could tell by his eyes that he had caught her meaning. "Can we start walking again?"
Alix bit her lip. Heat suffused her cheeks and she hated what she had to say next. "Actually, I could use a tiny stop before we go any further."
"For what?" he asked, his voice heavy with irritation.
She knew her face had to be as red as the sun. "I've got. . . well . . ." She glanced up at the sky and tried to think of a way to tell him. "I need . . ."
Oh, this wasn't working. How was she going to say this to him? Staring off at a nearby bush, she heard his groan.
"I wish I could beat Sway for this."
At the moment so did she. "I really can't wait much longer."
He sighed. "All right. We'll figure something out."
Alix led him to the bush. Maybe if they stood on opposite sides, it wouldn't be so bad.
She quickly changed her mind when she realized where his hand fell as she unbuttoned her pants. Looking up, she caught the hungry look in his eyes a moment before he averted his gaze.
"Would you please hurry?" he said, staring off into the forest.
How could she even start when her left hand had to dangle above her head?
"Could you please stop up your ears or something?" she asked.
Lightly, he jerked the gyve. "I can't plug my right ear unless you stand up."
"Then hum!" she snapped, so embarrassed and frustrated she wanted to die. "Do something so I'll know you're not listening."
"I can't sing. I've never been—"
"Devyn!"
He groaned, then broke into one of the songs he and Sway used to sing while they launched.
Realizing now why they had turned the music up so loudly, Alix finished as fast as she could, her stomach knotting with humiliation.
After she straightened and stepped around the bush, Devyn gave her a small grin. "I just hope we get ungyved before I have to go."
"Me, too," she whispered, despite a wave of excitement tearing through her at the thought. After their recent experience, she knew exactly where her hand would dangle on his body.
The thought must have occurred to Devyn as well. A deep blush spread over his cheeks.
"We need to get going," he said, glancing away.
Alix held up their bound hands. "Wherever you lead, I shall follow."
"Very funny," he said, pulling her forward. They walked in a tense silence that had Alix fidgeting with her right pants pocket. So much had happened since the first time she had reluctantly approached him.
She could still see him standing under his ship, his handsome, confused expression burning a place in her heart, a place where no other had been before.
And the day they'd made love. Even now, she could smell the rich leather scent and her heart pounded. If only Irn had waited a little longer, maybe she would have escaped and Sway would still be alive.
"I'm sorry for everything I've done," she said past the bitter lump that constricted her throat.
Devyn continued to stare into the forest in front of them. "I'm sorry for what I said about Sway. I was angry at myself and I shouldn't have blamed you for it. I'm the idiot who was flying through blockades without weapons. Sooner or later, either me or Sway was bound to die. I'm just sorry he's the one who paid the price."
Alix rubbed the chills from her left arm. "My mother used to say how death always turned the survivors against each other. She said it's easier if you can find someone to blame other than yourself."
"Your mother?" he asked, a strange note in his voice. "I've never heard you speak of her before."
Alix sighed, pain catching in her throat. "I was afraid to. You can't imagine the shame that goes with being a slave."
"Sure I can," he said, his voice soothing her. "You can't help what you are, but I chose my path, my shame." His lips curled. "I'm such a stupid bastard. Sway's life wasn't worth my stupid obsessions."
Alix stopped him. She stared into his eyes, into the torment they reflected, and she knew she had to ease his guilt. "You have a noble cause you believe in. There's nothing wrong with wanting to help defenseless people."
He fingered her cheek, then looked away and started walking again. "What I do has nothing to do with those people, not really."
She frowned in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"I joined the HAWC for glory. I wanted people to whisper my name with reverence like they do Rina's father's. You should see the way people look at him, listen to every word that falls from his lips. It's incredible. Even my own dad practically worships him."
He glanced at her as they continued down the small path they'd found, and she caught a firsthand glimpse of the anguish that resided inside him. "Uncle Alexei was furious when Adron and I joined the HAWC. At the time, I thought he was jealous that we might overshadow some of his glory, but I quickly learned what had him so upset. What he had tried so hard to tell us."
His eyes turned black, empty. "The HAWC eats at your identity, tears out your innards, and feasts on your soul. You have no thoughts except the ones they dictate. I woke up one morning and hated what I saw, what I had become."
"A piece-hacker?" she whispered.
"Yeah. I clinically executed convicted enemies of the HAWC."
Tears gathered in his eyes and she stared in wonderment at them. He blinked them away, his jaw so rigid it looked like steel. "One day, a young woman, no more than eighteen, was sent to my termination center. She was accused of being a rebel leader on the planet where I was stationed to treat the wounded."
He took a deep breath. "My High Commander brought her to me with her death authorization. Without any fear, she looked me straight in the eye, smiled, and said, “I die for a cause in which I believe. No authority rules me save my conscience. Are you so lucky, HAWCer?'"
Alix hugged his arm to her in an effort to cheer him. "Did you kill her?"
He shook his head. "I couldn't."
"So what did they do?"
Anger and agony mixed in his eyes, stealing her breath. "They called Onone in to perform the order. I was demoted and fined. If I'd had any sense, I would have walked out that day, but I couldn't. I had made a commitment and my parents taught me to respect my oath. But from there it only got worse. I started noticing all the death we caused in the name of peace." His lips curled. "It made me sick."
"So you run missions to save lives."
He closed his eyes and sighed. "That's what I used to think, but it's not true."
He clenched his teeth and looked up at the sky above them. "I've been so damned blind. All I do is delay the inevitable. So I bring in a few supplies, who cares? What I carry can only feed a few hundred for a few days. In the end, they die or surrender. All I do is prolong their suffering. And I killed Sway for a stupid ideal that doesn't exist!"
Sh
e stopped walking. "Devyn, don't."
He faced her, and she wanted to know the right words to soothe him, to take away the regret and blame that gnawed at him.
"Don't what, Alix? Blame myself? It's too late for that. For the first time in years, I see clearly again. My life has been useless since the day I was born a pampered babe. I couldn't accept it and now I've killed my best friend because of it."
"That's not true!" she said, cupping his cheek.
"No? Then tell me what happens? Where does the happy ending come in? That girl died even though I didn't perform the execution." His breathing scorched her. "Even if we had made the trip to Paradise City, how long could the people have lasted?"
She just stared at him, not knowing what the answer was, or how to assuage him.
"Answer me!"
She jumped at his shout and dropped her hand. "Oh, God, Devyn, I don't know. All I know is what I feel, and inside I know you're decent, that you do care. Why is it so important to you that you make a difference? The majority of people pass through life making only minor contributions. It's enough for them, why not for you?"
"Because I'm different," he said, clenching his fists. "I come from money and influence and I haven't done anything to deserve it. I snap my fingers and I can have anything I want."
"Is that so bad?" she asked, wanting to know why that of all things would bother him.
"Yes!" he shouted. "My parents clawed their way out of the streets, starving, scraping. I couldn't even survive to do what they did. If I go more than three hours past my time to eat, I shake and sweat and pass out."
She opened her mouth in shock. Who would want to be able to starve? "Starving isn't fun."
"How would I know?"
Alix closed her eyes and searched her heart and mind for something she could say to him, something that would help him. "You have made a difference."
"Oh, yeah?" he asked in disbelief.
"Yes," she said, her voice strong and sure. "If not for you, Sway would have left Claria and never returned."
"At least he'd still be alive."
Her throat tightened. "Maybe, maybe not. But he wouldn't have had all the happy years he followed you."
She held up their hands to show him the gyve. "Remember what he said: 'I owe you for Claria. "He loved you, Devyn, and so do I."
Chapter Thirteen
Devyn stumbled, almost jerking her hand off. Alix bit her lip, unable to believe she'd said such a thing.
He straightened himself and stared at her with an awe-filled expression and she waited for his response, afraid, yet finally hopeful that maybe he might feel the same way about her. But he said nothing. He just continued to stare at her as if he were dreaming.
She couldn't take back her slip, so she moved forward, unloading the rest of her secrets. "You've made such an impact on my life that I can't even begin to thank you. You and Sway are the only friends I've ever known, the only laughter I've ever had."
His gaze hardened and he looked away. "You can't love me. I'm nothing but pribber bait."
"At times," she said, offering him a smile when he whipped his head toward her. "But there are other times when you're more than that, and those times far outnumber the rest."
He scoffed. "This from a woman I chained in her closet?"
Fury burned through her. "I didn't say I wasn't angry at you. I am. I'd like to punch you in the belly until you scream for mercy. But I understand why you did it. I know you feel you can't trust me. I just wish I could fix this."
He looked so sad, she thought she might burst into tears. He took a deep breath and clasped her hand. His gaze probed hers, pleading, searching. "Will you lie to me the next time you're afraid?"
"No," she said emphatically.
Closing his eyes, he shook his head.
She sighed, knowing the very thoughts in his mind. "I know you can't even believe that. For all you know, I'm lying to you now, lying about my love."
Running his hand through his hair, he looked at the ground. "I can't accept empty words anymore. I did it three years ago and a lot of people lost their lives."
She frowned, wanting to understand why he couldn't accept her love. "What people?"
He sighed, looked away, and dropped her hand. Silence hung between them until she was certain he had no intention of telling her anything more.
At last, he rubbed the back of his neck and said, "For the sake of love, I refused to report Onone when I found out she was running weapons, drugs, and information."
He clenched his teeth. "I allowed her to learn codes and sequences I never should have broken to begin with. Then when Jayce found out and told me she had been selling the weapons to HAWC enemies and selling poison-laced drugs to our troops, I called him a liar."
He met her gaze and she saw all the hate that ate at him. "Onone had sworn the weapons were for civilians to protect themselves and that the drugs were being used to treat their children."
His breath came in short, sharp gasps and she wanted to stop him, but she needed to hear the story.
"Of course, I didn't believe Jayce. I thought he was jealous that I'd found someone sophisticated and glamorous like Onone. But after a while I started getting suspicious. Bigger, heavier weapons were disappearing. One day a KP-X 480 vanished, and two weeks later Jayce was wounded with a four-eighty round."
He curled his lip, rage burning in his gaze. "There's no other way the soldiers we were fighting could have gotten their hands on one. There were only four prototypes and only one had been stolen."
"Devyn—"
"Listen to me," he said, and she gave up trying to shield him from his pain. "After I dug the grizzle out of Jayce's side, I confronted her. She laughed in my face and called me a fool." His gaze hardened.
"Probably the only truth she ever spoke in her miserable life," he said bitterly. "When I told her I intended to report her, she pulled her weapon out and shot me."
The last two bitter words branded themselves on her heart. So much pain, so much betrayal. "I'm not Onone," she said, needing him to believe that she could never do such a thing, especially to him.
Indecision filled his eyes. "I know," he whispered, taking her hand into his again. "But I can't help what I feel."
He held her hand in both of his and ran his fingers over her knuckles. Waves of chills spread up her arms and she ached for some way to make him believe in her again.
"I care for you so much," he breathed. "It's just that I can't offer more than I can give, and right now friendship is the best offer I have."
Pain gathered in her throat, choking her. "It's not your friendship I want."
"I know."
She looked up at him, a new fear burgeoning. "Is it because I'm a slave?"
"No," he said, his gaze sincere. "I couldn't care less about your birth stats. Those can be changed."
Alix nodded, her heart a bit lighter. She knew she'd probably have to leave him in the end, but she didn't want to leave him thinking of her like he did Onone.
She wanted to prove to him that not all women were users, that she wasn't a user. But how?
"What would it take to prove myself to you?" she asked.
His eyes widened. Emotions played across his face—agitation, confusion, disbelief, and finally anger, the source of which she couldn't understand. "I don't know what it would take. And I don't want you to walk around like some altruistic Bremen sister looking for a good deed to perform. I just want you to be you. I would never ask you to be anything or anyone else."
Alix gave him a sad smile. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to be herself. The Alix Garran she knew didn't belong with a handsome runner. If only she could be someone else.
"Okay, I guess we'll just wait and see what happens," she said, using the same phrase she'd used countless times to see her through the never-ending cycle of days when she'd lived under her father's fist.
Devyn took a deep breath and started walking again. The trail led them out of the trees and into a small
clearing. As they neared the edge, Alix heard leaves rustling behind them.
"You, there!"
They turned around and saw three big, burly human men moving toward them. One of the men held a rifle cradled next to his chest like a beloved child.
"Is there a problem?" Devyn asked, stepping forward a bit to keep the men from seeing their gyve.
The League 3: Paradise City Page 18
