by Cathie Linz
Marissa wanted to crawl under the table or race out the front door. Neither option was possible however. “Behave,” she ordered her family.
“You behave,” Jess said. “You’re the one making out with the town sheriff on the front porch, where anyone could see you. Oh, those are lovely, Connor,” Jess said as he returned to hand her a mixed bouquet of flowers in various shades of pink and purple.
“I’m glad you like them.” He resumed his seat and smiled at Marissa.
While Jess focused on unwrapping her next present, Marissa leaned closer to Connor to whisper, “You should have made a break for it while you had the chance.”
“I couldn’t leave you behind,” he said.
But of course he had left her behind a decade ago. Walked out on her.
Why couldn’t she want to bed a guy without a history with her? Why did it have to be her first love?
Jess exclaimed her pleasure at the large gift card from her favorite online retailer as well as a one-gallon tin of her favorite Kernel Fabulous gourmet popcorn. “White Cheddar. My favorite!”
“I wasn’t sure if it was this or the Caramel Combo you liked best,” their mom said.
“Thanks, Mom.” Jess stood to give her a hug before saying, “I hate to eat and run but I have to go.”
“Let me pack up the cake for you to take with you. I’ll just be a minute,” their mom said.
The minute their mom was gone, Jess turned her attention to Connor. “So you and my sister were making out on the front porch, huh?”
“Do not answer that,” Marissa warned him.
“You know, the rules of courtship and marriage in ancient Egypt are actually quite interesting,” Marissa’s dad said. “Unlike ancient Greece where women had few rights, in ancient Egypt women could marry for love, could own property and retain those property rights after marriage. She could even initiate a divorce. If the divorce was the man’s idea, then he had to return her dowry if there was one and had to pay a fine.”
“Those were the days,” Marissa said.
“Not that all men obeyed those rules about paying the fine,” her dad added before quickly closing his mouth when her mom returned to the room.
“There were deadbeats even back in those days,” Jess said as she gathered up her birthday goodies and put them in a large shopping bag their mom provided.
“Who’s a deadbeat?” Marissa’s mom asked.
“Never mind,” Jess said, kissing her on the cheek. “Thanks again for everything. You too, Marissa.” Jess gave her a quick hug but broke it off before Marissa had time to hug her back. “And you, Connor.” Jess’s hug with Connor was longer.
Marissa could tell by the gleam in her younger sister’s eyes that she was trying to push Marissa’s buttons.
Marissa refused to let her.
Not tonight.
Tonight Marissa was going to take a page out of her sister’s book and enjoy life without worrying about the consequences.
“We should be going as well,” Marissa said.
“I understand. You two probably want to be alone.” Her mom nodded her approval.
“Let me know if you’d like some more information about ancient Egyptian marriage,” her dad said.
“Marriage is a four-letter word for me right now,” Marissa firmly stated. “Been there, done that, not going to make that mistake again.”
“But you’ll get married again someday,” her mom said. “Because marriage can be a good thing, right, Connor?”
“Why are you asking Connor?” Marissa said. “He’s never been married.”
Apparently fearing a discussion about matrimony, Connor took Marissa’s arm and led her toward the front door and away from her prying family.
“I’ll call you,” her mom said.
It was only when Marissa was halfway out the door that she realized she hadn’t hugged her parents good-bye. But they were already engaged in their now-customary bickering so she made her escape.
“Wise move,” Connor said approvingly.
“I’m sorry about that.”
“About what?”
“About my family,” she said. “About the marriage thing.”
“No problem.”
“They don’t usually argue like that. Well, they have since I’ve come back to Hopeful but I don’t remember them doing that when we were growing up. I’m not sure what’s going on with them.”
“Are you still upset I came?”
“No.” She trailed her fingertips along his cheek. “I’m glad you did.”
Was she falling for Connor? If not, she was getting damn close. What did it mean that she was feeling equal parts panic and passion?
“I’ll see you back at our place,” he said, opening her car door for her.
She got in. Her demon car turned over right away and the song “Halfway Gone” by Lifehouse started playing.
She reached her apartment building by the time the song was done. The instant she parked she got a text message. Thinking it might be Connor, she checked only to find that it was from a coworker at her old library.
Ur ex married slut. Thought u’d want to no.
Marissa’s mind went blank and her body went cold. It wasn’t like she still loved her ex. Obviously he thought Marissa was easy to replace.
A knock on her window startled her.
“Everything okay?” Connor asked.
“Absolutely.” She grabbed her purse and followed Connor upstairs.
She welcomed his kiss the instant she unlocked her door. It made her feel wanted and desired. Made her feel like she wasn’t a failure as a woman.
Pulling him inside, she kept her mouth against his, murmuring her pleasure as he kicked the door shut with his foot and kept his attention totally focused on her. She heard the thump of her purse as she dropped it to the floor. He nudged the neckline on her fuchsia top out of his way so he could caress her through the silk of her bra.
Moments later, she helped him tug her top completely off. He quickly undid the buttons on his shirt and placed her hand on his bare chest. He back stepped her down the hallway toward her bedroom. She made no protest.
He shoved her capri pants off before helping her remove his jeans. He had to pause to kick off his shoes. And all the while they kept kissing. His tongue tussled with hers as he removed the phone she still held in her hand and tossed it onto the nightstand. He lowered her onto her bed and followed her, urging her body into the cradle of his hips.
She could feel his arousal through the thin cotton of their underwear. What was she doing? Could she have sex without love? Did she love him? What if he broke her heart? What if he slept with her and then dumped her?
Passion and panic. Panic and passion. Panic and panic.
Marissa couldn’t breathe. She turned her head away, breaking off their kiss to gasp, “I’m sorry! I can’t do this!”
Chapter Fifteen
“What?” Connor’s voice was unsteady as he hovered above her, his lower totally aroused body still pressed against hers.
“I’m sorry.” The nervous words tumbled from Marissa’s mouth. “I’m not ready. I thought I was, but I’m not.”
“You sure seemed ready a second ago.”
“I know.”
“Then what happened?”
“I can’t explain.” She pushed him aside and scrambled off the bed.
“Yes, you can.” Connor moved after her and in doing so, knocked her cell phone off the nightstand. As he picked it up, he saw a text still displayed on the screen. Marissa tried to grab it before he could read it but he held it over her head.
“So this was all about your ex getting married?” he growled. “You get a text with the info and you suddenly want to get between the sheets with me?”
“No, it’s not like that.”
“Looks like that to me.” He angrily tossed her phone onto the bed before grabbing his jeans and yanking them on.
“Let me explain.”
“Don’t bother.” He rea
ched for his shirt and shoes, not bothering to put them on.
“I didn’t plan this.”
“You could have fooled me. In fact, you did fool me. I thought you were into this…” He gestured toward her bed. “But it was all an act. Did you think sex with me would make your ex jealous? Was it your way of getting back at him? If he was going to be with someone else, then you were, too?”
“If that was the case then I would have jumped into bed with someone months ago.”
“Maybe you were waiting for the right moment,” he said.
“I thought this was the right moment…”
“But you were wrong. And so was I to think you were over that asshole you married.”
“I am over him.”
“Right. And that’s why you climbed into bed with me before getting cold feet at the last second.”
“This has nothing to do with him.”
“That’s a lie and you know it.”
She shoved her hand through her hair. “Okay, so it does have something to do with him but not in the way you think.” How could she explain her panic to him when she couldn’t even really explain it to herself?
“I don’t want to hear it.” He headed out of the bedroom.
She trailed after him. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, me, too.”
He slammed her front door on his way out, emphasizing his anger and frustration. She didn’t blame him. What was wrong with her? Was she ever going to regain her confidence or would she always be this mess of confusion? Had she simply tried to move too fast? Was that it? Did she merely need more time? Was Connor right when he accused her of jumping into bed with him because her ex had remarried?
Was she insulted that Brad had replaced her so easily? Was this all about proving that she was worthy of a man’s attention?
Marissa didn’t even realize she was crying until she tasted the saltiness of her tears on her lips…lips still swollen from the intense hunger of Connor’s kiss.
She wished she could just jump into her car and run away from all this. But her rust bucket totally lime VW probably wouldn’t make it very far and her problems were within her. Which meant she couldn’t run from them.
She remembered one of the Peanuts cartoons on her old bedroom wall where Linus says, “No problem is so big or so complicated that it can’t be run away from.”
Too bad that wasn’t really true.
* * *
“Thanks for meeting with me,” Marissa told Deb as they sat together at Cups Café half an hour later. “I know it’s kind of late.”
“It’s only nine thirty.”
Marissa felt like she’d lived through three days’ worth of issues in the past few hours. “I don’t know where to start.”
“Start wherever you want.”
Marissa looked around. The café closed in an hour so there weren’t many customers still hanging out.
“I can’t dance,” she said abruptly. “It’s my sister’s birthday today. And my ex just married the woman who broke up our marriage.”
“Are those three things connected?”
“No. I don’t think so. I mean, I don’t know why I can’t dance. It’s not that I don’t how. I have this weird panic that prevents me from dancing. Even when I’m alone I still can’t do it. And I don’t have a clue why. I don’t have a clue about a lot of things. But I have lots of panic. Tons of it.”
Deb patted her arm. “It will be okay.”
“Will it? I’m not so sure.” Marissa choked back a tiny sob. No way was she going to cry in Cups Café. Maybe meeting Deb in a public place had been a bad move. But Marissa had needed to escape from her apartment and Connor.
“Does the dancing thing have something to do with your sister’s birthday?”
“I have no idea.”
“How long have you felt that way?”
“As long as I can remember,” Marissa said.
“As you know, I’ve read a lot of self-help books. Tons of them. This dancing phobia sounds like people who have the naked dream. They’re at work, or at dinner, and suddenly realize they’re naked. But it’s not really about being naked. It’s about a fear of exposing your worst weakness—the something you’re ashamed of—the something you believe nobody could love you for…if they knew. Your fear of dancing could be the same thing.” At Marissa’s blank look, Deb added, “Or not. Never mind. Like I said, I’m a self-help junkie. Let’s skip the dancing and deal with the ex.”
“I shouldn’t care and I don’t. It’s not like I still love him or anything. But the news just made me feel like such a failure.”
Deb nodded her understanding. “Like you were rejected all over again.”
“Is it supposed to be this difficult?”
“I don’t know if it’s supposed to or not, but it just is. Especially when one spouse cheats on the other. It’s hard to trust again. You get gun-shy.”
“I’ve made a mess of things,” Marissa said.
“Because you got divorced?”
Marissa shook her head. She was once again at a loss for words. She was too ashamed to admit she’d gotten cold feet about having sex with Connor tonight.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Deb said. “Starting over is tough.”
“Yeah, it is. I feel like such a wimp for not being able to cope better,” Marissa admitted. “It feels like I’m constantly screwing up.”
“Why do you say that?”
Marissa shrugged.
“You’re not the one who screwed up. Your ex is.”
“Clearly he’s able to move on. I want that,” Marissa said.
“You want to get married?”
“No way. I want to move on, but I have all these emotions I don’t know what to do with. Panic and fear and anger and confusion.”
“Want to know what I do to cope with those feelings?”
Marissa nodded.
“I get out my secret weapon,” Deb said.
“Cherry Garcia ice cream?”
“No. My Nerf baseball bat. It’s this big green foam bat. I get it out and I hit the couch with it. It’s out in the car if you want to borrow it. I think you need it more than I do tonight.”
“No, I couldn’t take your secret weapon.”
“I’ve got another one at home.”
If Marissa couldn’t dance even when she was alone, would she be able to bash her couch with a kid’s toy? There was only one way to find out.
An hour later, Marissa stood in her apartment. She was still wearing the khaki pants and white shirt that she’d worn to Cups Café. She wasn’t sure what the proper attire was for couch bashing. It wasn’t like her couch had done anything wrong. Maybe she should bash her bed?
She moved from the living room to her bedroom. The covers were still rumpled from her massive make-out session with Connor earlier. She tentatively tapped the bat on the foot of the bed.
Perhaps this was poetic justice after all because her troubles had all started with a bed back when she’d found her husband in bed with another woman. This time, she whacked the bed harder. Once she started, she found she couldn’t stop.
Whack, whack. Wham, wham, wham! Over and over again until her arms trembled from exhaustion.
Deb was right. The anger was dissipated. Now Marissa was too tired to feel anything.
Even so, she ripped the bedding off and put new sheets on the bed. She could still smell Connor’s clean scent so she stuffed the old bedding into a big black garbage bag and put it in a corner of the dining room to wash it tomorrow.
Connor’s scent might be gone and Marissa’s anger at her situation might have diminished, but her memories of Connor’s mouth on hers and his body blanketing hers stayed with her throughout the night, taking hold of her dreams and leaving her aching with unfulfilled need.
* * *
The trouble with a small town was that whenever you didn’t want to see someone, they were there right in front of you. Hopeful was no exception to that rule. There was no escape. C
onnor knew because he tried. But he kept running into Marissa. Not that they’d spoken. Not yet. But they’d have to at the teen meeting at the library tonight.
Weeks ago, Marissa had given him an agenda with each meeting’s scheduled topic. Tonight’s was the July Corn Festival, which Ruby Mae claimed was even bigger than June’s Rhubarb Festival.
She also claimed that Connor was being crabby. She didn’t seem to understand that he was the sheriff and she was supposed to answer to him. That was the chain of command. On paper, maybe. But clearly not in Ruby Mae’s mind.
“Something is going on with you,” she told him Wednesday morning. “You’ve spent the past four days doing double overtime. You’ve practically moved in here at the office.”
“We’re short-staffed.” One of his full-time deputies was on vacation in Mexico and two others had come down with food poisoning so bad it landed them in the hospital.
“Yes, we’re short-staffed and you’re short-tempered,” his assistant said. “Your mom isn’t coming back to town for the Corn Festival, is she?”
“No.”
“Then you’ve got no reason to be such a pain in the butt.”
Connor glared at her.
She glared back but looked away first. “Usually you’ve got this kind of easy-guy-next-door machismo thing going on that makes you so likeable.”
“Likeable?”
“That makes you a sexy chick magnet,” Ruby Mae said tartly. “Does that sound better?”
He shrugged. The one sexy librarian chick he wanted didn’t seem to be feeling his machismo magic.
Not that he was telling that to anyone. Not even his best bud, Sully. But then, Connor was a pro at keeping things to himself. After all, he’d had years of practice.
“This perpetual bad mood of yours wouldn’t be caused by a woman, would it?” Ruby Mae asked.
Connor resumed his glare, adding icy disapproval this time.
“Fine. Be that way. But be that way on your own time, not on ours.” Having stated that, she marched away in a huff.
Connor’s mood hadn’t improved by the time he walked into the library several hours later. Marissa appeared surprised to see him. She also looked damn great in a simple black skirt and light blue top.
