by Liz Schulte
“I never thought I’d see you again.” His words were slow and measured as if that would make me understand them.
I didn't know why, but something about what he said felt wrong, dishonest—which was unexpected coming from Holden. He may have been a lot of things, but a liar wasn't one of them, at least when it came to me. Even through all of his secrets, he never out and out lied. He refused to answer questions he didn’t want to share, but never did he look me in the eye and tell me what I wanted to hear. “Why are you lying?”
His eyes narrowed. “Am I?”
“Yes.”
“What makes you think so?”
“I can feel it. I can hear it your voice.”
He rubbed his hand over his lower jaw. “She’d been throwing herself at me for the last year, but it wasn't until the night Quintus told me you were back that I slept with her. I was angry. I wanted to hurt you.”
That was the truth. But this truth lit a fire beneath my anger and made it boil to the surface. “Well, congratulations, Holden. Mission accomplished.” Holden winced but I wasn’t close to done. “I never expected you to be celibate. I figured there'd be girls. You are after all you, but a girlfriend... my best friend. How am I supposed to live with that?” Perhaps my words weren't fair, but they poured from my mouth anyway.
“She wasn't my girlfriend. I don't even like her. The first time was about anger and resentment. I thought of you the entire time.”
“And that’s supposed to make me feel better?” I threw up my arms.
He ignored me. “The next time was about getting information to stop this war they were starting—to protect you.”
I wanted to scream or cover my ears and sing, “lalalaala,” but I did neither. I looked at the person in front of me. The person who would exploit any means to get to the end he desired. He couldn't be the man for me, and it broke my heart. I could never accept the philosophy Holden lived by. “Do I even want to know about the others? Like a ballpark figure?”
“No,” he said, “but I'll tell you if you ask.”
“It doesn't matter. I can't question you about this because we aren't together.”
“Like hell we aren't.”
“Holden—”
“No. You've had your say and that's fine. You're pissed I slept with Juliet and that’s the outcome I wanted when I did it, so I accept your anger.” His intense hazel eyes drilled into mine, not letting me look away. “But I'm not bowing out. You still love me. I can see and feel it. That's what matters. I'm going to make this up to you. Don't do anything that'll make me kill the guardian in the meantime.” He flashed a wolfish smile that part of me missed. “Otherwise, it’ll take a lot longer for you to forgive me.” He was so confident, so sure he could have me back just like that. Insufferable arrogance.
I shook my head. “Holden, I'll forgive you now, but it won't change anything.”
“We'll see.” He walked toward the door, and I followed him.
****
Holden headed to a motorcycle, handed me a helmet, and shoved his bag into the small compartment. I made no move to put on the helmet. I didn't like motorcycles.
“Get on,” he ordered.
“I can't ride that and hold this,” I said.
“It isn't far.”
Irritated beyond belief that I couldn’t transport, I climbed on behind him, repositioning my camera bag, and did my best to hold on to him with the awkward picture between us. Holden drove gently, and in a few minutes we were at a storage unit.
Inside the cavernous unit several more of my pictures hung on the walls. Large flat rectangular boxes lay stacked along the edges of the room.
“Are all of these...” my voice trailed off, knowing the answer full well. They were all my pictures.
“Only a handful are unaccounted for.”
“Why do you have them?”
Holden looked around the room. “I like them.”
My eyebrows lifted so high I wondered if they were blending into my hairline. He liked them.
“And they were yours.”
“Yeah, but people bought these. I sold them.”
“I bought them back. What if they didn't take care of them, threw them away? You were dead. All of these pictures were irreplaceable.”
He had to have spent a fortune tracking and buying back all of my photographs. “I didn't sell that one.” I pointed to a picture that used to hang in my studio—a single dandelion sprouting through a crack in an abandoned building.
He looked at it and nodded. “It reminds me the most of you.”
“How'd you get it?”
“I got everything from your studio. Five more and I’ll have every piece you ever sold. This warehouse is climate controlled. I can preserve them forever.”
“They were never meant to be locked away for safe keeping. The whole point was for the world to be able to see them.”
“Well, I get to see them.” Holden gazed around, appearing satisfied. He took a deep breath and put a hand on my back. “We have to go.”
“Holden, this is all sort of creepy.”
“You were dead,” he repeated. “But if we live long enough to have the luxury of being worried about pictures, we can discuss it again.” I watched him relock the door, and we climbed back on the bike.
“How many have you slept with?” he asked as I settled in behind him.
I toyed with not answering him, but then I remembered he had probably already heard the answer stream through my head. It would be pointless. “None,” I said quietly.
Holden didn't respond.
“Don't you have a helmet?”
“I don't need one.” His lack of concern for his own safety caused me to sigh.
“You're the driver. It's best if you wear the helmet. You'll keep me safe.” I returned the helmet he’d passed me. The real truth was I didn’t want anything between him and me. Not even a stupid helmet. I was more than vulnerable—a strong wind could’ve broken me. But Holden didn’t bring us up again. The mess we had made of all of this was sad. The part of me that was a glutton for punishment was happy to have him back. I held onto Holden even tighter as we weaved in and out of traffic, his skin warmer than I remembered it being. I don’t know when the tears started, but soon they were streaming down my face and sobs choked the breath from me. Everything I’d held back the past year so I could function, so I could wake up every morning, wanted out. I tried to force it back, but it wasn’t cooperating.
Let go, Liv.
Holden’s voice was so natural in my mind, my body didn’t even question his orders. I released my arms from their clutch around him, but he caught me before I could completely unhook.
Not of me. Don’t hold anything back. Let it all go.
My arms retightened, but I couldn’t stop fighting the melt down. It felt selfish to allow myself this luxury. I needed to hold together. We’d all had a bad night. Everything wasn’t about me. I didn’t realize Holden had stopped until he pulled me off the bike. He held my shoulders and forced me to look at him. There wasn’t an ounce of calm in his being. The sun was beginning to rise and outlined him in soft pink light that shadowed the hard planes of his face and made him all but irresistible.
“Let me have it.”
I swallowed, staring at the one person I wanted more than anything, but couldn’t have. Numbness crept back in. I had to keep myself together.
“No.” He shook me slightly. “I deserve it. Let me have it. I slept with your best friend to hurt you. I killed you when you were giving your life for me. I didn’t even try to be a better person. Hell, I tried to be worse, to kill whatever humanity you awoke in me. I didn’t honor you, Liv. You have every right to be angry, so be it!”
I pulled away from him. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to hear this.
“I went after clergy. Turning them, making them doubt whenever I could. It wasn’t orders either; it was my own amusement. I made the jinn into a more efficient group, helped them become stronger.
Had I not known you were alive before I found out about the guardian killings, I might have been on board with that too.”
“Stop.”
“Do you know how many people I've killed? How many lives I’ve destroyed without a second thought?” His fingers clutched my shoulders. Holding me, making me listen. “I wished I’d never met you.”
The last thread of control broke. My hand connected with his face, the force jarring my entire body. He let his arms fall to the side, accepting my assault. I hit him until I couldn’t lift my arms, then crumpled to the ground, my head pressed to my knees, dry sobs heaving my body. Holden picked me up, crushing me in his embrace. It felt wonderful. My arms wrapped themselves around him and my traitorous mouth found its way to his.
Relief doused me. I was whole again.
Our lips pressed together, all reserve gone, good intentions abandoned. Need cleaved my soul. Wanting him to fill my senses was the only thought in my mind, the moment his lips met mine. His tongue didn’t wait for invitation; it demanded entrance, and I didn’t stop it. He tasted like home, filling me with warmth and security. I couldn’t get enough. I pressed hard against him, willing our heat to meld the two of us together forever so nothing could split us apart.
My chest flattened against the muscled perfection of his. My hands slipped under his shirt needing to feel his skin. Holden picked me up and sat me in front of him on the motorcycle. I leaned back against the handlebars and he pulled my hair, stretching my neck back as his mouth left a hot trail down both sides. My fingers threaded into his hair urging him closer. His hands massaged and caressed my body as his lips sought mine again, early morning traffic whizzing by. I didn’t care about the show we were putting on. I had Holden back. I tightened my legs around him, grinding our bodies together. Holden groaned deep in his throat, his face buried in my neck and hair. I was on fire. I whimpered with pleasure. Every kiss, every dip of his tongue sent my mind howling for more. I wasn’t even capable of rational thought and I didn’t care.
Holden pulled back, his eyes swimming with conflict. I took his handsome face in my hands and pressed my lips to his again, needing that connection like oxygen. His fingers trailed down my spine leaving goosebumps everywhere they touched. This was a much gentler, less urgent embrace that made my heart melt and woke up my mind. My brain screams in warning. Holden pulled back again. “We can’t do this.”
His words rang of rejection to my ears. Hurt filled me. He didn’t want me.
“It’s not like that. You know it isn’t like that.” He shifted beneath me. “We’re on the side of the highway and you're...” Holden shut his eyes as if he hated that he was saying this. “Vulnerable.”
Deep down I knew he was right. This was a bad idea for way more reasons than the ones he listed. It would confuse everything. I tried to climb down, but Holden tightened his arms around me.
“I thought I’d lost you forever. Just give me a moment.” His voice was so human, so broken I couldn’t refuse.
Part of me insisted I was a fool for letting him have this moment. It was too dangerous and I could lose myself in him again. His feelings blanketed me: happiness, relief, and crushing heartbreak. I rested my head on his shoulder and he rested his on mine. His warm, spicy scent surrounded me. Everything else disappeared; it was just the two of us in this moment. However, the moment couldn’t last. I opened my eyes and saw I was glowing. Not figuratively, literally. White light poured from me, turning me into one giant orb with Holden nestled inside. I wondered how long I’d been like this. I pulled it back within myself, though I couldn’t quite manage to make it disappear altogether.
Holden straightened. “Feeling better I see.”
I nodded. He lifted me down from the bike so I could climb on the back. Once I was secured again, he took off without a moment’s hesitation. We flew down the highway, only stopping for gas as we went. The conversation was nonexistent. We didn’t need it. We both knew where the other stood. Being together was more than either of us had dared to hope. It was enough for now.
Two
I couldn’t believe she went with him.
I stared in the direction they went long after they disappeared from sight. She went with the jinni.
Fingers snapped in front of my face. “I don’t think she’s coming back,” a voice purred, startling my attention back to the sekhmet.
“It appears you are correct.”
“So can we go?”
I followed Femi to her car, a sporty little MG that suited her. She drove with reckless abandon that would have been frightening if something so simple as a car accident could kill me. We dodged pedestrians, slid between cars with inches to spare, and not once did she use her breaks. The faster Femi drove, the wider her smile became. Free of the sekhmet societal constraints, she was determined to use each one of her nine lives, but what did she want with Olivia?
“I don’t mean this to be harsh, but you never had a chance, you know?” She glanced over and whipped through a yellow light, her hair flying out behind her.
That was absurd. Of course I had a chance. All guardians were repulsed by jinn. Olivia had to be, too. She didn’t realize it yet. They were locked in the room together, but Holden had been injured. He could have been healing, and she never touched him. The sekhmet didn’t understand guardians. “What makes you say so?”
She slammed the car to a stop outside of an old building. “You saw the way she looked at him, right?” She lifted an elegant brow at me, and her green eyes searched mine for understanding.
Did Olivia look at Holden differently than she looked at me? It was hard to tell. She was in no condition when we left to look at anyone in a particular way.
Femi clapped her hand on my shoulder. “You stay here, keep thinking about it, champ. I’ll be right back.” She sprang from the car and trotted inside the building.
If I didn’t have a chance, why did she agree to go out with me? No, Olivia needed to distance herself from the jinni, and she would return to her senses. This was by no means over. It was the shock of seeing him and having her past thrust back in front of her. She would realize he was wrong for her.
Femi came back and tossed her bag in the trunk. She climbed back in the car and fiddled with her radio until loud music came blaring from the speakers. She smiled at me like there was a joke I was missing. “I thought it would be fitting.”
I looked at her blankly.
“Since we’re going to Memphis.”
I smiled and nodded because she wasn’t giving up or explaining herself.
“Elvis, you oaf. Never mind. You’re no fun.” She took off with the pedal pushed to the floor and laughter singing from her lips.
We drove out of the city and through miles of farm land without saying anything.
“Look, I didn’t mean to upset you. I thought if you didn’t know she still loved him, you needed to find out. Sometimes I’m too blunt.”
I considered what she said for a few moments. “How does she look at him?
She grimaced and her eyes filled with sympathy. “The same way you look at her. Like there’s an excuse for everything he does.”
I sighed. “I’ve been an idiot, haven’t I?”
“No. Olivia’s a good person, and I’m sure she had every intention of trying to make it work with you, but that’s sort of the problem. She doesn’t have to make it work with Holden; it just does. It’s written all over her.”
“She was exhausted.”
Femi laughed and I leaned my head back against the seat. I had proven her point. “She’s so…” I couldn’t find the words to describe Olivia.
“Unavailable?” she offered unhelpfully.
“Full of life. She’s different than anyone I have ever met.”
“Good lord, that’s cliché. She’s not all that different. She’s just a girl with a thing for the bad guy. It’s not that unusual.”
I gave her a helpless shrug. I couldn’t help if my feelings were cliché. I was thousands of years old. New
guardians never took me by surprise and she did.
“I think—”
“I don’t want to discuss this any further.”
“Whatever.” She stared straight ahead. “So tell me about yourself. What do you like to do? What do you do when you aren’t being self-righteous?”
And so the rest of our car ride went. Femi shot a relentless number of questions at me about anything that came to her mind. She had no boundaries. The longer we spoke the better I understood why Olivia liked her. You didn’t have to wonder where you stood with her. She could be brash, sometimes harsh, but she seemed to mean well. When we got to Memphis, we followed Holden’s directions out of the city to what looked like a shed in the middle of nowhere.
Femi took one look and a smile broke out on her face. “Color me intrigued.” She parked her car in a covered, wooded area, and we walked over to the rickety building. Inside the door were stairs that led down to another door. Femi pushed the door open into a small living room and kitchen area. It smelled stale and dusty, but Holden was right, no one would look for us here. There were two doors along the back wall and Holden stood in front of the door on the left with his arms crossed and an impatient twitch in his eye.
Femi said something snarky, and I looked around for Olivia.
“Lock the door. Feel free to fight over the couch,” he said as he turned and went into the room.
I had a sneaking suspicion I knew where Olivia was, and I didn’t like it. I looked at Femi.
“Dibs,” she proclaimed, flinging herself to the old brown couch.
I didn’t care about the bed. I could make a cot. I stared at the door considering whether or not to knock and see she was okay for myself.
“I wouldn’t do it.” Femi yawned. “We’re all tired. We could use rest before picking fights. I don’t think he would hurt her. He risked his life to save her.” When I didn’t move, she said, “Olivia trusts him, and we have to trust her.” She turned so she faced the back of the couch and curled in a ball.
