I throw Laura my hospital gown, and I don’t even look back or concern myself with how my exit gets handled from there. Mrs. Minter, Starla Joy, Ty, and I rush out the door. We have to push past a bunch of kids waiting to get into the next showing, and when we get out into the parking lot I see that Mrs. Minter had to park all the way across the field.
I look back at the church for a moment—should I tell my dad where I’m going? But I don’t have to think about that for too long because suddenly there he is, in full devil regalia. His devil is a powdery white figure, not the red horns-and-tail costume that you see in commercial Halloween stores. He’s covered in cobwebs with those long nails and that hooked nose. He’s wearing ragged clothes that Mom bleached and sewed together for him—they drag on the ground like tattered robes. The only part of him that looks like my dad is his gaze, and it’s right on me.
“Lacey Anne Byer!” he shouts, still using the Satan voice because he’s been doing it all night. “You will not get in that car.”
“Dad, I have to,” I say, running back to where he is, wanting to explain and have him understand, maybe even send me off with a hug. “Tessa’s having her baby. Starla Joy needs me. I want to be there.”
“I forbid it,” he says, still using that awful tone.
“You can’t do that,” I say. “I have to go—let me make my own choice.”
“You’re covered in the blood of your choice,” says my father, pointing at me with his long nail. I look down and remember that my pajamas are smeared in Dean’s red dye. Is my dad still playing a role?
And then I see that there’s a crowd gathering around me and my father in the parking lot. They want to see the devil and Abortion Girl fighting. They probably think it’s part of the show. I can’t believe that my dad is still acting. But I’m not.
“You’re not the devil,” I say. “And I’m not Abortion Girl. Dad, I’m not a bad person. You can’t forbid me to go with the Minters. It’s the right thing to do. Please trust me to know that.”
“Lacey Anne, you will not go,” Dad says, and now his voice is more his own. I even hear it waver a little bit, like maybe I’m scaring him.
Then I see a short, determined figure in a pale pink jacket striding toward us. Mom.
I can’t let them team up on me.
“Mom—I have to go,” I say as she sidles up next to Dad. “It’s Tessa …”
“I know, honey,” Mom says. She doesn’t make any move to stop me, just puts her hand on Dad’s arm and starts to turn him around back toward the church. She’s on my side.
“Ted, come back inside,” she says calmly, softly.
I look at her, surprised, and she nods at me. “You’re a good friend, Lacey Anne,” she says.
Mom being there seems to snap Dad out of his devil persona. His shoulders sink, deflated, and he listens to her.
“Thank you, Mom,” I say.
She looks over her shoulder and gives me a warm smile. “Go,” she says.
I turn and run to Mrs. Minter’s station wagon, and I see that Dean has piled in, too. He, Ty, and I buckle up in the backseat just as Mrs. Minter pulls out of the lot, narrowly avoiding the gawking stragglers who are about to line up for the show.
I don’t know what my dad does when I leave, because I don’t look back.
Chapter Thirty-three
We’re all quiet in the car on the way to the hospital. We only have to drive for about twenty minutes because Saint Angeles works with a birthing center in a town called Anderson, and it’s pretty close.
Mrs. Minter is rambling from the driver’s seat, asking Starla Joy to check Tessa’s “baby bag,” which I guess is the take-to-the-hospital stuff they have ready. Starla Joy is going through each item one by one. Change of clothes: check. New nightgown: check. Newborn snuggies: check. Copies of adoption paperwork: check.
The rest of us stay silent in the back.
When we get to Anderson, there are signs everywhere for the birthing hospital. I guess that’s this town’s main thing. Inside, a nurse leads our motley crew to a waiting area. She doesn’t even blink at my red-stained pajamas. I guess nurses can tell real blood from fake, and it is close to Halloween. She just asks, “Who’s family?”
Mrs. Minter and Starla Joy speak up, and I reach out to give Starla Joy’s hand a squeeze before she and her mom follow a doctor through a door to Tessa’s room. The rest of us have to sit down on hard plastic chairs in the hallway and wait.
Dean is playing with the laces on his hood—pulling one really long and letting the other get really short, then reversing it. I’d say he was being weird, but the truth is that I’m just watching him doing that, so who’s the real weirdo here?
“Do you think she’ll really do it?” Ty asks, breaking our silence after about half an hour.
“I think she’s on the table and committed to having the baby now,” says Dean. “No matter what her pro-choice stance is.”
I roll my eyes at him. “Dean,” I say impatiently.
“I mean the adoption,” Ty says. “Do you think she’ll go through with it?”
“Yeah,” I say. “I think it’s already done, legally.”
“So she can’t, like, see the baby and change her mind?” asks Dean. “That’s harsh.”
“Guys—” Ty starts. He nods toward the hallway and when I crane my neck to see past him, I spot Jeremy Jackson and Geoff Parsons striding our way in full demon makeup. Jeremy’s mask is off, thank goodness, but he’s holding it in one hand like a slain devil.
When I see his face, I feel a flood of sympathy for him. And when he talks, his voice comes out quickly and nervously. “Is Tessa okay? Is she in there? Has it started yet? Is there a—”
The nurse who chased him down the hall catches up and explains that he has to wait outside for a moment. Then she goes into Tessa’s room and Jeremy stands in front of us. He looks like he wants to say something.
“Lacey, your parents are just so—” he starts.
“Mad,” I interrupt. “I know, I know.” I put my head in my hands. I don’t want to think about my father right now.
“No,” Jeremy says, touching my shoulder. “I was gonna say they’re so cool. Your mom came and got me when she saw Mrs. Minter driving off. Then your dad told me to go—that he’d let my parents know, and he’d put in understudies for all of us.”
“Really?” I ask.
“Yeah,” he says.
“Jeremy?” The nurse pokes her head through the door. “You can come in.”
For a second, Jeremy goes pale. But then he finds his leg muscles and moves quickly into Tessa’s room. “See you guys on the other side,” he says.
“Okay, man,” Ty says, running his hand through his curly hair, which looks even more blond under these fluorescent lights.
“This is real stuff,” says Dean, voicing what we’re all thinking.
And I wonder if maybe, just maybe, my dad sent Jeremy here as a peace offering to me. Acknowledging that it’s okay—even right—that I’m here.
I look up and notice Geoff standing awkwardly by the wall. He’s staring at Dean. And that’s when I notice that Geoff has a fat lip. It’s not a makeup thing, it’s really there.
“Geoff, what happened to your lip?” I ask.
He looks up at the fluorescent lights, squinting his eyes.
“My father,” he says. Then he laughs a little. “He’s not really like yours, Lacey.”
I look down, feeling embarrassed for Geoff and ashamed of myself, somehow.
Then, a miracle happens. Well, a small one anyway. Dean stands up and walks over to Geoff Parsons, standing toe to toe with him.
Before Dean even says anything, Geoff looks him right in the eye and says, “I’m sorry, man.”
And then they hug. They actually hug. Not one of those guy hugs where they’re about three feet from each other, but a strong embrace. It’s short but meaningful, and we all exhale a little.
Four hours, two sodas, three stale pretzels, and one cup
of muddy-looking coffee later, Starla Joy emerges from her sister’s room.
“My niece is here,” she says, pulling off the paper mask over her mouth. Her eyes are shining with tears.
“Can we go in?” I ask.
“Ten minutes,” she says. “They have to clean things up.”
“Then I’ll be the messiest person in the room,” I say. I’ve gotten more than a few comments on my bloody pajamas by this point, and I’m starting to realize it might be viewed as poor taste that I’m wearing them, but it can’t be helped.
Just then, a nurse brings a young couple into our area. The woman sits down, holding a bouquet of flowers in her lap; the man paces nervously.
The rest of us fall silent.
Starla Joy looks away from the couple and peeks back into Tessa’s room. “Okay, come in, you guys,” she says, a big grin on her face.
When we enter it’s like there’s a warm glow coming out of the bed where Tessa holds her newborn daughter. I can’t really explain it, except to say that they radiate light and goodness. It’s the purest scene of love I’ve ever witnessed, and I look up for a moment, just to be sure I acknowledge the presence of God here. I can feel it more strongly than ever before in my life. I lean over and give Tessa a kiss on the cheek while I take a peek at the baby girl. For a moment her eyes are open, unseeing but maybe knowing she’s here, in our world at last.
I wonder if she feels loved. She should. Before I can stop my thoughts, they move to the couple outside. I know that they’re here for her. And I know that’s what everyone wants. It’s a choice.
I back away from Tessa and let Dean lean in, then Geoff. Ty hovers by the end of the bed, not quite approaching.
Jeremy is standing on Tessa’s other side, snapping a zillion photos and probably blinding the poor baby with his bright flash. But he’s beaming, just like a father should. He keeps telling Tessa how much he loves her, and I believe him.
I don’t get home until four a.m.—Jeremy drops off Geoff, Dean, Ty, and me so Starla Joy and Mrs. Minter can stay with Tessa. She has to hand over the baby to the couple from the hallway. My heart aches for her, and I can see Jeremy biting his lip and fighting back some strong emotions as we drive home. But they made a choice, and I think it’s the right one. When we get to my house, Ty kisses me gently on the lips, right in front of everyone, and it feels like the most natural thing in the world. Even Dean doesn’t raise an eyebrow.
My parents haven’t called—they knew I was safe, even if I wasn’t where they wanted me to be. No one is waiting up for me in the living room, and I take a hot shower and change into a clean T-shirt quietly, hoping I’ll get a decent amount of rest before Dad starts in on me.
I fall into a blissful sleep. Despite the dramatic events of today, I have a suddenly powerful faith that everything is going to be okay.
In the morning, I hear my parents rustling around downstairs. I can picture Mom in her blue-flowered apron, getting our Saturday breakfast ready while Dad picks up the paper or his Bible and waits patiently at the table. I pull on my bathrobe and head down to meet them with a smile.
“The baby is healthy,” I say, as I lean over to kiss my father on the cheek. He rustles his paper a little and I sit in my seat.
“It was good that you were there,” Mom says, and again I feel a rush of gratitude that she calmed Dad down last night, that she gave me her blessing to go with the Minters. Then she drops her eyes from mine and says, “Praise be to God that everyone is okay and Tessa’s through this nightmare.”
“She’s beautiful,” I say, not letting my mom’s comment affect the feeling of peace that I have.
Dad puts down his paper and looks at me quizzically. “Do you have anything else to say to me this morning?” he asks.
“I’m sorry that I had to make the choice to disobey you, Dad,” I say. “But I know that being at the hospital was the right thing.”
Dad sighs, like he’s not quite ready to agree with me. But it’s more of a protective sigh than an angry one, I think.
“Thank you for sending Jeremy,” I say. “Both times.”
“He made those decisions to see Tessa,” Dad says. “I just helped him a little bit.”
“Thank you,” I say again, reaching out and touching my father’s arm, making sure he looks at me and sees how grateful I truly am.
“Do you remember that button you used to have?” I ask him. “The one you handed out at the church one year when a few people lost their jobs and things were kind of grim around here?”
Dad doesn’t say anything, so I keep talking.
“It said, ‘Love is the answer—’ ” I start. And then I pause.
“ ‘Now what was the question?’ ” finishes Dad.
I smile. That button made a huge impression on me, but I didn’t understand it fully then. I think I do now.
“Right,” I say.
“We’ve always lived that way, Lacey,” Dad says. “Through the church and your mom’s charity work and your kindness and honesty … at least until recently.”
Ouch.
“Dad, I’m sorry that I haven’t been completely truthful with you guys lately,” I say. “I’m just trying to figure out what truth really is for me.”
“What do you mean?” asks Mom, coming to sit at the table with us even though she’s not done making breakfast. “Lacey, that’s silly. Of course you know what truth is.”
“I’m not sure I do. It’s not like there’s an ultimate truth,” I say. “Like when Geoff Parsons went after Dean but he stayed in the show.” I look at my father. “What was the truth there?”
“I told you, Lacey,” Dad says. “Both boys were at fault.”
“I think it was more that Geoff was good for Hell House, and you felt bad for him because you know his father, and you didn’t want to remove him,” I say.
Dad sighs. “It’s complicated,” he acknowledges.
“I know,” I say, glad he didn’t deny it or shut me down. They’re opening up a little, I think.
I don’t want to press them this morning. I’m not even sure what I need from them right now, but I’m going to keep that button slogan in my head when I start to feel myself filling up with questions. Cheesy as it is, “Love is the answer. Now what was the question?”
Nine Months Later
“Take the wheel,” says Starla Joy, sticking a cherry lollipop into her mouth as she wiggles out of her rain jacket. I steer smoothly around the turn as the truck barrels ahead through the downpour.
“Damn!” Dean shouts as Starla Joy grabs the wheel back and jerks the truck to the left. “You just made me spill my Coke.”
“Here,” Ty says, handing him a roll of dusty paper towels that Starla Joy keeps in the tiny backseat.
School let out last week and we’re squeezed into Starla Joy’s truck, driving to the coast. It’s a real road trip—we’re staying with my cousins and then Starla Joy’s grandmother, so Mom and Dad let me go. Dean and I told our parents we’re going to look at colleges, and we are. But really? We all want to see the ocean.
I didn’t end up fulfilling my role in Hell House for the remaining two shows. I let Laura Bergen take my spot as Abortion Girl. I know my dad had a hard time with that, and Pastor Tannen was “deeply disappointed,” but I couldn’t keep playing the part after seeing Tessa in the hospital. Besides, I wanted to be where I was needed more—with Starla Joy and Tessa.
Still, the outreach was our most successful one ever—three thousand people went through Hell House, and over one thousand of them signed decision cards to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. I know we reached way more than that too. Some people just aren’t ready to sign their names to something.
“When does Tessa leave?” asks Dean.
“Not till August,” Starla Joy says. “But it’s not like we’ll see her much. She’s spending every second with Jeremy.”
Tessa’s going to State; Jeremy’s staying behind to “take a year off.” I think that means working for his dad.
>
After Tessa came back for her second semester, she finished all her credits and graduated on time. It was like nothing had happened at all. She and Jeremy went to prom together, though they lost prom king and queen by a few votes. Tessa doesn’t talk about the baby much, but she has a locket with a photo from the hospital inside, and she never takes it off as far as I can tell. She’s supposed to get letters from the adoptive family once a year on her daughter’s birthday.
“She’ll hang out with us some before she goes, though, right?” asks Dean, his voice hopeful.
“Yes, Dean,” Starla Joy says. “You should have sufficient time to worship my sister this summer, don’t worry.”
She reaches back and pats his knee. He rolls his eyes.
“I just like talking to her is all,” he says.
Tessa and Dean got into a few heated arguments about her pro-choice stance, but they always ended goodnaturedly, and we’ll all miss her next year in the woods. She’s been meeting us out there more lately. She opens things up among us all, maybe because she committed sins that a year ago would have been unimaginable to any of us—but she’s still here. She’s still our Tessa. And though things have changed, they’re not awful. There is some heartache, I know, but darkness didn’t befall us. We still all feel heavenbound, one way or another.
Dean even talks a little more about what he’s been going through. Truthfully, I don’t know if he’s gay, but it has stopped mattering to me. We’ll cross that bridge when he comes to it, if he comes to it. And we’ll cross it all together.
When we see the exit for public beach access, Ty tells us to roll down our windows.
“It’s raining!” I say.
“Aunt Vivian told me you have to smell the beach,” he says.
He didn’t have to sell this road trip to Vivian as anything but what it was. When he told her we wanted to see the ocean, she smiled and said, “Go.”
Starla Joy and I crank the handles to roll down our windows a little bit.
Small Town Sinners Page 22
