by Gabriela Paz
She recalled the first time she did it. She had to chug three vodka shots before she even had the courage to accept a guy’s proposal to dance. Nerves navigated her body in a way she had never felt before.
Dancing was not the issue, but what she had set herself to do that night. Just to think about kissing a guy she just met felt like doing something forbidden, like that time when she was five and almost placed the bread in her mouth in thanksgiving dinner before letting her mom give thanks, but much worse.
Perhaps it was the way her mother acted around men, so well behaved and decent, not letting them once recognize her true feelings or desires. She had gone on quite a few dates in the past, but she would always tell her, “He’s not ‘it’ honey, and I’m not about to make myself do things if I’m not hundred percent sure. Your father set the bar kind of high, I must admit.” Or when they watched romantic movies together, and her mother acted so judgmentally with the protagonist. She even yelled out “slut” once because the main character kissed a different guy than the one she was supposed to end up with.
What would my mother think of me? Was all she could think of before kissing that stranger in the club that night? This was nothing like the time she had followed her impulse and kissed Leo. She had been dying to kiss him, and it felt good and right. On this occasion, she didn’t particularly do it because she liked the guy or because she found him incredibly attractive but because she wanted to fit in and feel normal—which wasn’t a good enough reason in her mind.
Even with all the doubts, Eva pretended she was somebody else, and against all of her morals and beliefs, kissed the stranger. The first time she did it, she lasted three seconds before pulling away and completely regretting it. I’m a whore. She felt ashamed and silly for making herself do something she didn’t want.
Although she was sure she wasn’t going to repeat it, she ended up doing it two more times before she was absolutely certain that kissing a stranger wasn’t going to fill the hole in her heart. The first time was awful, the second time after a few months, she felt numb, and the last time she felt absolutely nothing.
Why? Why can’t I enjoy this? Why can’t I feel what everyone else feels? Or feel anything at all? This is when she let herself make the biggest of mistakes. But she wasn’t ready to tell Cece about it yet.
“I wish I could say I did, Cece, but I really didn’t,” she answered, irritated. Just to think about it stirred her insides. “They were strangers, and it meant nothing. It was pointless. I don’t feel that I gained anything from the experience, to be honest. It actually made me feel like crap.”
If she had learned anything from her college experience—outside of the classroom, of course—was that she wasn’t going to compromise who she was for the sake of fitting in. Screw that. Developing strong connections was not something that came easily for her, but if she was meant to be alone forever then, so be it. It was certainly better than breaking anyone’s heart or getting hers shattered in the process.
“I’m sorry if I pushed too hard. I really did mean well,” Cece said in an apologetic tone.
“I know. It’s not your fault. I’m just trying to pull myself together right now.”
“How’s that going? Because I want to see you ASAP!”
“Alright. Well, since you are the busy one, you let me know when,” Eva said.
“Well, that’s actually the main reason why I called. I’m meeting with a few friends at the cove later today, and you should come. It won’t be too many people, I promise.”
The last thing she felt like doing was going to a party or seeing her old friends. “I don’t know Cece, I think I rather meet you for a bite another time.”
“Well, we will be there tonight from 7pm, so if you change your mind, I would really like to see you, and so would Ale.”
“I’ll think about it,” was the best answer she could think of.
“Okay, love ya! See you later,” Cece said as she hung up the phone.
What is it about Cece and parties? Almost every single party or event she had invited her to had ended up being a complete disappointment, at least for Eva anyhow. Somehow her friend always managed to have fun, no matter the situation. Why would this time be any different? She didn’t want to think too much of it. If she felt like going after work, she would go. If not, well, she was sure that Cece would understand.
Ms. Dubois wasn’t in the greatest mood that morning. In fact, she made Eva clean up her desk before she even let her have a word with her. Eva had a hard time standing up to her when she was in a bad mood, and she was pretty sure she wasn’t the only one who felt this way.
Finding the courage was a struggle, but she needed to earn the respect she deserved. So as soon as she was done cleaning, she bravely approached her boss and said, “Sorry to interrupt Ms. Dubois, I just got done cleaning, and I was wondering if I could have a word with you?” Please don’t kill me.
“Oh, yes. Help me down, honey. I’ve had enough of this. It looks straight, doesn’t it?” Her boss answered as she finished setting up a new painting on the wall.
No, it’s slightly tilted to the right. “Yes. It’s perfect.”
“Right. Let’s go to my office.” Oh lord.
Eva followed her, and as soon as Ms. Dubois sat down, she said, “So what is it?” with an impatient tone.
“Well…” Eva paused, trying to get her thoughts in order. Don’t be a chicken. “I’m thrilled to be working for you again, as you know, but I really need to have a better schedule this time. Also, I have a college degree now, so I was wondering if you would consider giving me a raise?” She could barely catch her breath from the nerves. She had said it, though, and it couldn’t have sounded better even if she had rehearsed it. She had spoken her mind like a true champion to the most insensitive person she had ever met.
Ms. Dubois took a long pause as she looked down at some of her notes until she finally said, “Okay, fair enough. Thanks for getting to the point. I’m impressed. Looks like college did you well after all. I will be raising your salary by a quarter each hour. And you can have the weekends off. But if I really need you, you must be available.”
Did she hit her head with that painting? Something has to be wrong with her. Did she really agree that easily? Out of all the scenarios she built up in her head, this one certainly never came up. She tried to hide her excitement, but she was screaming from happiness inside, “Thank you! I appreciate it,” she stuttered, trying to sound professional. Yesssssss. I did it.
“Okay, go clean the front desk now before I change my mind.” Mr. Dubois demanded. Noted. And just like that, her moment of kindness had vanished. Eva had gotten what she wanted, thankfully, and that was a real victory. Free weekends and a raise, who would have thought? Maybe she would go meet Cece to celebrate after all.
“Where are you going?” her mother asked her as she got ready to leave the house later that day.
“Going to meet Cece and some friends at the cove. I won’t be late. I work tomorrow.”
“Oh, don’t worry, honey. Go have some fun, please.”
“Thanks. See you in a bit.” Eva said as she left in a rush. She had come back home to throw on some jeans and a green tee and had suddenly lost track of time.
As she entered the cove, Cece and Alejandro were the first faces she saw.
“Eva!” Cece said, racing towards her, excited. “I thought you weren’t coming!”
“Hey. Me either, but I changed my mind, so here I am,” she said as she hugged her friend.
“Hi Eva, it’s good to see you again,” said Alejandro from the bar.
“You too. It’s been a while. How are those moves of yours coming along?” Eva joked, trying to be nice.
“Don’t remind me. They only come out when I’m drunk. But I’m supposed to be on my best behavior tonight. Lady’s orders,” Alejandro said as he discreetly pointed at Cece.
<
br /> Eva laughed. “And you better listen.”
“Eva, come say hi. Tim and Rosie are here!” Cece shouted.
Ever since her prom night, Eva hadn’t been to the cove, and surprisingly everything looked exactly as she remembered. The same soft reggae music played in the background, the same bartender served the drinks, and the same smell of salty ocean water still permeated the air. Everything was the same—everything except her.
“Eva! Oh my God, it’s been forever!” Rosie screamed and ran towards her to hug her.
“Aw, it’s good to see you, Rose. It has been too long.”
“You look exactly the same, I swear,” Rosie exclaimed.
Eva smiled joyfully. “Well, thanks. You look great too.”
“And don’t forget about me! Don’t I look great with my new haircut?” Tim babbled.
“Tim! You do look great. I like it. It suits you.” It really does.
“Well, thank you, baby. It’s nice to see you.”
Eva looked around the rest of the room in case she had missed anyone, and she suddenly noticed Stefano awkwardly waving at her from the end of the bar. She waved back at him and smiled but didn’t dare to walk up to him alone. Plus, he was chatting with some guys Eva didn’t even know.
“Hey, Cece, you invited Stefano?” Eva asked.
“I did. I wanted to break the tension between us, you know? Now that I’m with Ale, I didn’t want him to think we can’t be friends.”
Why would you want to remain friends? “Right. Isn’t it a bit awkward?”
“Not at all. He’s cool. Let’s go, say hi. Come on.”
Nooo. Stefano was nice, but things had always been awkward between then in school. “Wait!” Eva shouted. I gotta go to the bathroom first. Wait for me, and I promise we will go, say hi.” Maybe. Probably not, as I will most likely leave afterward.
“Hurry up!”Cece bellowed.
As Eva made her way towards the end of the bar to find the bathroom, she stumbled into a tall-strong man. “Oh, I’m sorry, excuse me,” she stuttered.
“Eva?”
It’s him. It’s really him. “Oh, Leo! I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was you. Hi,” she said, stunned. Her head felt as if it was spinning from the shock of running into him like this. The last time she saw him, she had kissed him, and it had been four years since then. Yeah, awkward.
“It’s okay. It’s so good to see you. It’s been forever,” he uttered with a subtle grin.
“I know, it really has. I’m all done with college now, can you believe it? How are you?” Eva said to try and break the tension. It was actually a nice surprise to see him. Leo looked extremely handsome and polished.
“I know. I was traveling on the date of your graduation so I couldn’t come, but Stefano told me all about it. Congrats! You must be relieved to be done with it.”
“Definitely! It was harder than I thought. Sorry, you couldn’t make it. Were you on vacation?”
“No, I’ve been traveling a lot for work. I’m barely home these days.”
“That must be why I never saw you around during the summers, I guess,” she said, regretting her words. She didn’t want to sound like she wanted to see him during the summer, but now it was too late. Dang it.
His eyes suddenly revived with a hint of joy. “For sure. Summers are crazy busy for me, but thankfully I’m here for a few more days.”
“Nice.” Eva smiled timidly. He made her heart twirl, and she always got the urge to flirt when she talked to him. But she wasn’t sure she should. Last time she did, things ended up getting complicated. More like a failure.
“But tell me about you. Surely you have big plans now,” he said with a wide comforting smile.
“Ha! No plans, actually. It’s been weird to get back home and figure out my next move. For now, I will be working back at the gallery,” Eva said, ashamed. There was no point in lying and pretending that she had it all figured out. Plus, she was a bad liar, and anybody could see right through her.
“Oh,” Leo sounded surprised. “Back to work with that crazy boss of yours?”
He remembers? “That’s what everyone keeps asking me. Nobody can believe that I’m going to work there again. I must have really bad-mouthed Ms. Dubois.”
“You did,” he chuckled.
“Wait, didn’t you have a mean boss too?”
“Wow, I can’t believe you remember that, but yes. He’s my mentor, and he is still as mean as ever.”
Of course, I remember… I remember everything about you. Unfortunately. “Aw, I’m sorry,” Eva said, trying to show sympathy.
He grinned. “No worries, I’m used to it.”
As she met his gaze for a few seconds, Eva remembered why she had kissed him in the first place. His expressive eyes and smile were too enchanting for her to resist. Things had been different back then, and it wouldn’t have worked, but what was stopping her now? The elephant in the room remained —he hadn’t called her or texted her— and she wasn’t sure she wanted to go down that path again.
“Traveling has been good for the most part. I just miss home a lot…” he continued.
She wanted to say something, but before she could, he spoke again. “My father finally got a sailboat, so you will have to join me sometime as you promised.”
“Really? That’s amazing!” Eva babbled. She wasn’t sure what to say. Was that an actual invitation? “I would love to go sailing. I’ve never been.”
“It’s settled then. You’re coming with me tomorrow afternoon.”
“I am?” Eva said, thinking out loud.
“You most certainly are. And this time, I promise not to lose your number,” Leo grinned.
How could he have lost my number? All this time, she had been thinking he wasn’t into her, but maybe he had all along. If it was true, she figured they were even. She had stood him up because of work, and he hadn’t called because he lost her number. Though she knew it wasn’t really a fair assessment, the way he looked at her with his perfect sparkly eyes and his manly eyebrows blinded her from any mistakes he could have made. I forgive you. You are perfect. Wait, I can’t do this again.
“Wow, that’s a really lame excuse,” she teased.
“I swear. I even stopped by the gallery a few times, but I couldn’t find you. I’m sorry. I hated not being able to tell you.”
He went to the gallery? “You don’t have to be sorry. It was destiny, I guess.” And just liked that he won her over all over again.
Leo then took his phone out of his pocket and handed it to her. “Here, type in your number, and I will shoot you a text, so you have mine.”
Eva looked at him startled but couldn’t help to play along. As she typed in her phone number, she could feel him watching her. “Here it goes,” she whispered as she looked back up to meet his gaze. He was only a few inches away, and he gazed at her intensely without saying a word. Somehow the invisible wall between them had slowly begun to shrink, and for the first time in a while, Eva’s heart skipped a beat.
“Eva! Are you coming?” Cece shouted as she walked in on them and interrupted the moment. Crap, not again. “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were still in the bathroom and wanted to make sure you were okay. I will see you back out there.”
“No, it’s okay. I’m coming. This is Leo, by the way, Stefano’s older brother.”
Cece walked up to him with no hesitation. “Oh, hello! I’ve heard so much about you. I feel like I know you already. I’m Cece, her best friend.”
Oh, please kill me. Eva was so embarrassed; of course, Cece would say something so inappropriate.
“Nice to meet you. I hope you only heard good things. I’ve heard a lot about you too,” Leo said politely.
“Of course you have. We should get back out there guys, we are going to play a round of darts!”
“I was actually
on my way out, but it was nice to see you both,” Leo said as he glanced at Eva. “I will see you tomorrow,” he declared as he waved and got on his way.
“Okay, bye, Leo,” Eva replied, not being able to hide her sneer.
“Look at you! I know that smile. So that’s Leo. I can’t believe he’s here. I had completely forgotten about him. Wait, so you’re gonna see him tomorrow?”
Yes, can you believe it? I’m about to have a heart attack! “Relax. He invited me to go sailing, and I couldn’t say no. He’s cute, isn’t he?”
“Are you kidding me? He’s a fucking stud, is what he is! I can’t believe you let him go before,” Cece exclaimed.
I didn’t. It wasn’t my fault technically, but that’s beside the point. “Shut up. He’s older, so it’s a little intimidating.”
Cece arched an eyebrow. “Honey, the way he was looking at you when I walked in was pure desire. He obviously likes you. Why are you even doubting it?”
“I don’t know. Maybe he liked me before, but I’m different now, so I don’t know if he’ll feel the same way.”
“Why the hell wouldn’t he? Are you out of your mind?”
Probably. “Alright, alright, don’t scream at me, we will see what happens. No pressure.”
Eva made her way back to the bar to hang out with everyone else. To her surprise, Stefano also appeared to have left, so she was relieved. She wasn’t going to be able to deal with the two brothers on the same day. Especially when she couldn’t stop thinking about one of them in particular.
CHAPTER 22
Carpe Diem
"It was great seeing you yesterday, Eva. I’m looking forward to seeing you today at 5:30pm at the Pensacola Beach Yacht Club. Bring your bathing suit!” Leo texted her the following morning with a smiley face emoji at the end of the message. Eva hadn’t been sure if he had been serious about the invitation, but now it was official.
Thinking about meeting him again made her extremely anxious. Everything about Leo appealed to her in a way she couldn’t explain or describe, and she knew that confirming that text would mean a lot more than just sailing. Dating was something she had been running away from, but for some reason, it kept making its way back to her. She had been longing to feel something in the past years and had failed.
