by Jordan Bell
“She’s beautiful,” I whispered. I knew I should not have brought his girlfriend into my bedroom, but I couldn’t help it. Morning brought all the ugliness of what we’d done together and I couldn’t escape it. I pulled my blanket up around my breasts to hide myself as embarrassment flooded my cheeks.
Sean tilted his head and studied me carefully as if he wasn’t sure I was the same girl he came to last night. Like maybe I’d become someone else when he wasn’t looking. “So are you, Kara.”
I nodded reluctantly, but it was hard to swallow that we could both be beautiful. She was tall and very thin with bony hips and large cheek bones. The first time I met her she was wearing a three thousand dollar dress. I…didn’t own three thousand dollars’ worth of anything. Combined. And if I had bones beneath my skin, I’d never felt them.
But yesterday, before he’d shown up on my doorstep, we’d finally come head-to-head with what happened to our relationship. I’d sabotaged us by not ever believing I was worth Sean. Never believed I deserved him, and in that fear I’d forced us to keep our relationship secret. For three years. And in that time I’d convinced myself Sean wanted us a secret. I’d been so wrong and lost a lot of time because of it. I still felt like I couldn’t play in Sean’s league, or Marcus’s for that matter, but I couldn’t deny that they kept coming back for more.
He’d loved me, but couldn’t keep playing this game where only I knew all the rules and held all the pieces. Looking back, I had no idea how he accepted my neurosis for so long.
That was then, though. I was young and stupid and foolish and incomplete. I’d grown up, but he’d still left me, and I was no longer foolish enough to forget that.
Sean’s expression turned guarded, cooled as he memorized my face. “That man you were with. Who is he? Do you belong to him?”
I sighed, embarrassment deepening. “His name is Marcus Giovanni.”
“The Marcus Giovanni?” Surprise widened Sean’s eyes, his pupils large in the dim room. “The billionaire who owns most of the city?”
I looked up and nodded. His guarded expression turned icy and distant. The way the sun spread across his chest, I wanted to touch him. I wanted to crawl into his lap and press my naked body against his. I knew I couldn’t, just as I’d known I couldn’t kiss him in the men’s bathroom on the subway after Sean rescued me from the mugger. This was not my Sean. He didn’t belong to me.
“You traded up.”
“So did you.”
He said nothing but pushed to his feet, the blanket falling away from his gorgeous, naked body. My eyes traced the familiar dragon tattoo that crossed down the left side of his lower abdomen, across his hard muscles to the cut, tender skin along his hip bone. The blue-eyed monster looked razor sharp against his tanned skin.
I looked away when he left our bed. His cell phone buzzed again, angrier this time if that was possible. I heard him put on his pants, his belt. I wondered if they were damp still from the rain, and cold against his skin. A chill crept up my body where his body heat had once been and was now gone.
I hated the cold. I rolled to a sitting position and climbed unsteadily to my feet. Everything hurt, even the balls of my feet, and I felt the stretch in my thighs where he’d held me open all night long. I clutched the blanket against my naked breasts, though modesty seemed a little ridiculous. Morning had clearly made us both a little crazy.
When I tilted my head towards him I found him watching me, a look in his eyes heavy but indecipherable. He rubbed his hand across his rough cheek, new growth making him look rugged and delicious.
“I have to go.”
I nodded. “I know.”
When he didn’t move, I turned my back on him to peek through the blinds to the busy street below. Saturday shoppers went about their lives oblivious to what was happening above them.
Sean moved swiftly, grabbed my arm, and spun me around to face him. His wolfish grin appeared as he tugged my blanket away. He wrapped his large hands around my naked waist and matched my hips to his. His erection was unmistakable through his jeans and I mewled softly at the promise.
Without a word between us, he lowered his mouth to mine and pressed a deep, slow burning kiss to my lips. Not the kind of kiss he gave me last night where it felt like he was trying to crawl inside of me. This one was meant to remind me of how those felt and to burn his impression into me so I’d never forget.
3
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Maris burst through the double brass doors of the Columbina restaurant, trailing curtains of rain from her raincoat and rubber boots. This was our first time at the classy 1920s throwback restaurant, and she didn’t quite look the part as the hostess tried to help Maris out of her coat and galoshes. Everyone close to the front of the restaurant turned to watch the spectacle, and I couldn’t help but giggle behind my hands.
Finally free of her rain gear, she looked more at ease in her straight black and white dress and giant chandelier earrings. I waved and she hurried between tables with her beaded clutch pressed against her stomach.
“So sorry I’m late, sweetheart.” She bent down and dropped a single kiss to my cheek before shlumping into her seat. The stares continued, as did the whispers, but neither Maris nor I cared.
“It’s fine. I took the liberty of having a bottle of wine brought over. I figured you wouldn’t mind.” I poured her glass since the server was eyeing us warily from the other side of the room.
“Not at all. Cheers.” We clinked rims.
“Watch out for the prices,” I warned when she picked up her menu and let out a little ‘Yeow!’ when she caught sight of how upscale this place was. It was totally out of our usual comfort zone, but Maris wanted to do something fancy and it seemed like a good enough place to tell her about Sean.
After we put in our orders I refilled her glass before she’d had a chance to empty it. One dark eyebrow shot up as she watched me do it.
“Are you trying to get me drunk, Kara? Because I’m easy, darling. You don’t have to bother.”
“I have something to tell you about and I figure you’ll take it better if you’re well lubricated.” I leaned forward so I didn’t have to whisper my news any louder than necessary.
“Shit. You’re pregnant with the billionaire’s love child, aren’t you?”
“No! Why would you even think that?”
“Who knows what you two get up during your secret rendezvous?” Maris waggled her eyebrows and scooted forward in her chair. “So spill, you two-faced secret keeper. Don’t keep me in suspense.”
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” I took a deep breath. “I spent the night with Sean Castle.”
“I think we’re going to need another bottle.” Maris whistled softly. “Holy hell, Kara. Are you sure?”
“What do you mean am I sure? Of course I’m sure.”
Reluctantly I told her about the mural Zach Castle, Sean’s older brother, had asked me to paint on one of the walls of their new restaurant. I told her about Sean walking in on me and then about the mugger in the subway Sean saved me from. I told her about Taylor, the three thousand dollar Nathan Arctic dress she wore. I told her about almost kissing Sean in the club last night before the storms came, and how it broke down into a screaming match over our failed relationship six years before. Then I told her about him coming to my apartment in the middle of the night, during the storm, and the desperation that followed.
“I think I need a cigarette,” she murmured. “Are you ok?”
I thought briefly to the bruises, already fading, but I knew she didn’t mean physically. The deep down bruises were harder to describe and felt slippery and indefinable when I tried to pin them down.
“Let’s just say I was better last night than I was this morning.”
Maris considered this carefully. She worried her bottom lip between her teeth and a section of hair around her fingers. Her eyes wandered across the table top as if she might find answers there, so I looked too, but found only more questions.
Finally she raised her dark eyes to meet mine, serious and unflinching.
“I love you, Kara. Always have, always will. But you and I both know you’ve got a whole set of Chanel luggage in your baggage claim. And it’s not all Sean’s fault. In my completely unprofessional opinion, Sean inherited your baggage until he couldn’t carry it anymore. He might have made them heavier, but he didn’t create the problem. Do you understand what I mean, K?”
I grabbed my wine glass and swallowed the whole thing back like it was a shot of tequila and poured myself another one.
“You mean my mother.”
“I mean your whole freakin’ circus.”
I knew what she meant. I had four text messages on my phone about my sister’s fantastic boyfriend from my mother, all of them implying that I could have her luck if I just tried harder.
Maris’s voice softened. “How was it being with him again?”
I groaned. “Four times. At least.”
“Holy shit, is that even possible?”
“Completely possible. Maris, he’s exactly the way I remember him down to his smell. I mean, he’s bigger and stronger and a lot more self-sure than he used to be, but he was also still so Sean. It was like I’d been asleep for six years and all the sudden the world was too bright to even look at. It sounds cheesy and pathetic, I get that, but I think the way he left like he did, I’ve just been stuck waiting. Sleeping.”
Maris hesitated before reaching across the table to settle her hand over mine. “What now? I mean, is this something again?”
I touched my finger across the rim of my wine glass and studied the way the drips of red washed along the glass curve. “I don’t know. We didn’t talk about it. Maybe…maybe we both needed this for closure.”
“Sweetheart, closure is once and then you call a cab. Four times…that’s obsession. That’s staking a claim. It’s the equivalent of him peeing on your headboard.”
“Charming analogy, Maris.”
“Did you sock him in the nose for leaving you the way he did? I would have socked him in the nose. Maybe twice.” Maris pulled her hand away and captured the stem of her wine glass between her fingers, her pretty face thoughtful. “I still might.”
“No,” I laughed softly. “I didn’t punch him. I could barely remember my own name. If I see him again, I’ll consider it.”
“If?” She frowned and sat up. “You don’t know if you’ll even see him again? Did you at least exchange phone numbers?”
The question sat uneasily in my chest. We hadn’t. The consequences of that question caused my heart to neatly split in two and choose different sides of the war. My body wanted to see him again, the thought of him sent gooseflesh up my arms and made my panties dampen. But a very dark, raw part of my heart said absolutely not. You’ve had your fun and now we don’t ever want to see him again. Let him rot in hell with his horrible girlfriend whom he clearly deserves, the lying coward.
Finally I shook my head. “A part of me doesn’t want to forgive him.”
“Whatever you decide to do, Kara, I’ll support you. You’ll make the right decision.”
“Or the wrong one.” I sighed. “Thank you for not shaming me. I’m full up on guilt all by myself.”
“As if. We’ve all done something we knew was wrong for a lot worse reasons than I’m so freaking in love with him. Now the onus is on him to do the right thing, whatever that may be, for him and Taylor.”
Gloom weighed me down as I sank behind my wine glass. The sweet flavor suddenly too cloying. Along the edge of my thoughts, fuzziness edged in, weakening my barriers.
“The last time it was on him to do the right thing, he left in the middle of the night and never came back.”
###
We slowed as we approached the subway stop, Maris and I crunched beneath an awning to stay out of the rain. It didn’t really help. My shoes squished noisily and sucked against the bottom of my foot with each step.
“I think I’ll take the train home and save the cab fare. You good to walk the rest of the way?”
“Yes, the adult can walk the four blocks to her apartment, mom.”
She wrinkled her nose at me, glanced at the subway sign in front of us, then bounded into the large puddle directly in my path. I shrieked and tried to dodge, but the spray left a line of water running down my legs. She grinned like a little girl and gave a spin at the deepest part of the puddle. “Looks like this is where I get off.”
I shook the water off like a dog. The wine made me feel loose and saucy. That was the only excuse I had for what I said next.
“Speaking of getting off…”
Maris lit up, round eyes widening. “That’s a hell of a segue.”
I blushed and turned with the sparse crowd heading down the steps into the subway tunnels so I didn’t have to say this loud enough for them to hear, not that they were paying us any attention. I stepped out from the safety of the awning since it didn’t seem to matter anyway and let the rain soak my skin and hair.
“Do you think it’s weird or wrong for a girl to be into something…unusual?”
“Are we talking strap-ons and call me daddy, you bad girl unusual?”
“No…well, yes. Sort of.”
“Why, you want to be Sean’s pony girl or something? Because hey, I’d never judge.”
“No, no. Not that. It’s just, I wonder sometimes if there’s something wrong with not normal.” I blushed and stammered as the confession spilled from me. I was grateful for the dark and the rain so she couldn’t see. “I can’t remember the last time I had vanilla sex, Maris. I really can’t and that’s not normal, right?”
“Lots of people like lots of different things and it’s all good stuff. Honestly? I think not normal is pretty normal.”
Rain drops streaked my face and soaked down through my clothes. I nodded and leaned against the stoplight, the wine slowing my thoughts. Maris smiled and thumbed towards the tunnel stairs.
“I should go and you should stumble home before you get the wild urge to describe how naughty you and Sean really are. Without getting mugged this time?”
“Right. Just say no to muggers. Thanks for a great date.” I wrapped my arms around her neck and squeezed and she oofed and complained and fake struggled, but secretly she loved the attention.
“Well, I’m no four times in one night, but I do my best.”
“Have a safe trip. Text me.” I backed up to the corner and waved. She backed up to the stairs and waved.
“Later, gator.”
She turned and ran down the steps for cover and I watched her go until her dark hair disappeared beyond the subway awning. Then I made my own way home alone. The well-lit street of shops and restaurants in the Philomel neighborhood gave way to the dark, flooded streets where I lived. Only half the street lights had come back on and sewer drains all along my route sat clogged and overfull, spilling onto the sidewalk.
Not surprisingly, I saw no one else by the time I jogged up the steps to my front door. I checked my mailbox first, and when I went for the door handle I noticed an advertisement taped at eye level.
I almost ignored it, but the name on the flyer caught my eye and I hesitated.
Columbina. I skimmed the page and quickly realized it wasn’t a flyer at all. It was the front page of the restaurant’s website. Along the bottom ran a printing tag with tonight’s date and time.
The nerves at the back of my neck tingled to life. I glanced nervously behind me and up and down the quiet, dark street.
A coincidence. Of course.
I shook my head and shoved the old door open, let it bang shut behind me loud enough that Ms. Glass would hear it and get annoyed, but at least someone in the world would know that I’d come home. I wasn’t sure why that felt necessary, but it did. The wine and the flyer had me seeing bad guys where there certainly were none, but enough horror movies had taught me that a girl who lives alone in a crappy apartment could never be too careful.
4
/> ____________
“Hey, earth to Kara. There’s some guy here looking for you. Get your ass over here.”
“Who?” I dropped an armful of old newspapers into a pile on a desk and coughed at the cloud of dust I’d dragged up with them from the basement archives. I waved my arms back and forth to clear the air. “Don’t we have all these things digital? I get turned on by old books as much as the next library girl, but flash drives can be sexy too. Just saying.”
“What? Kara, there’s some Hottie McHotterson here asking for you by name. Forget the newspapers and come ogle, library girl.” Daphne poked her head around the corner and waved wildly for me to follow her, big brown eyes a little bug-eyed behind her glasses.
“Did you just say Hottie McHotterson? Wait, Daphne.” I chased her around the corner to where our library aide, Kay, was also waiting and I immediately skidded to a stop.
One thing was clear as he turned around and my heart did tiny backflips inside my chest, what happened two nights ago had nothing to do with finding closure.
He smiled briefly before eyeing the two girls flanking me in full ogle mode. Sean crooked his finger at me and my whole body reacted as if he’d said Come here, now in that voice that commanded my body and soul. I nudged them aside, ignored their huffs and underhanded accusations and slid out from behind the counter. I stopped directly in front of him so that there was hardly any space between our chests, though he had at least a foot and a half on me and had to tuck his chin to his chest to meet my upturned gaze. Fireworks erupted between our bodies and had we not been smack in the middle of a room full of prying eyes, I would likely have climbed into his arms.
“Kara,” he murmured and tucked a strand of my hair out of my eyes. “Let me steal you away for a few minutes.”
I nodded because I lacked the words of a functioning human being. A sizzle ran down my arms as he lowered his hand to my shoulder and grazed fingertips along the back to my elbow. I ignored the girls staring at us, witnessing the intimacy that occurred when we just stood next to each other.
