by Stella James
“Hold on to me,” he rasps.
In one swift thrust he’s buried deep inside me, my voice unrecognizable as I cry out in pleasure at the sudden intrusion. He lifts my hips and brings me back down at a leisurely pace, repeatedly, until I can’t think about anything but him and what he does to me. I’m so caught up in the moment that it takes me a minute to realize that the water has stopped and he’s now carrying me out of the shower. He places me on the bathroom counter, still inside me and begins thrusting back and forth, hitting every deliciously deep spot that he possibly can. My grip on his shoulders is tight and I can feel my nails digging into his skin.
“Fuck Dru, I need to taste you baby,” He groans as he slips from my center and drops to his knees.
He spreads my thighs wide and places my legs over his broad shoulders as I lean back and brace myself on the counter. I’m completely laid bare to him and the notion makes me shift my hips forward, desperate to feel his mouth on me.
“I want your eyes on me the entire time,” he groans. “Fuck your pussy is so beautiful, you have no idea what you do to me,” he says before taking one long swipe along my swollen folds.
I look down and watch as repeats the motion and sucks my clit into his mouth. My chilled skin is instantly warmed as he continues to devour me. Licking, sucking and giving me the kind of pleasure that robs a person of any and all coherent thought.
“Ethan,” I gasp. “Ethan, please don’t stop, oh my God!”
My climax hits me faster than it ever has before. I can’t control the sounds that rise up from my throat or the way my thighs shake as I completely fall apart beneath his talented mouth. When the tremors of my release still run through my body he stands and drives back into me with such force that I can feel a second orgasm building within seconds. When I come again he growls harshly and we chase our rampant pleasure together until we are nothing more than a mess of laboured breathing, holding on to each other tightly.
My eye lids fall heavy as he helps me stand. His arm remains firmly wrapped around me as I hear the faucet running behind me and suddenly feel a warm cloth between my legs. I let him take care of me, washing away the evidence of my need for a distraction. He tosses the cloth on the counter and picks me up, holding me close to his chest as we make our way back to the bedroom.
He lets go momentarily as he lays me on the bed and climbs in beside me, pulling the covers up and over us. I don’t have time to reach for him again before he already has my body pressed into his. I take a deep breath and when his lips brush against my hair I finally stop worrying about how I should feel, and I let go. The tears start silently as I think about the lost years and the what-ifs. I remember the woman who tried her best but couldn’t be a mother and the young girl who always waited for things to get better. Guilt overcomes me as I realize that the young girl eventually got what she wanted but what about Maria? Was she waiting for someone to help make her better? I don’t even realize I’m sobbing until I hear Ethan’s voice.
“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” he says.
I curl into him and mourn the loss of a woman whose brown eyes were identical to my own. I mourn the woman who spent most of her life held captive by addiction. And as I fall into exhaustion, I mourn the woman who let me go without a fight and whether she meant to or not, gave me a chance to live a better life.
*
I wake up to the ringing of my cell phone on the nightstand. I peel open my swollen eyelids and feel the spot beside me, missing Ethan’s warmth instantly. I reach for my phone and see that I have two missed calls from Anna and one text message from Elle. Esme must have told them about Maria.
Elle: We are here for you, please remember that xoxo
Me: I know, and I love you for it. I’ll call later xo
I should call Anna back, but I’m sure I sound rough and she’ll worry like crazy if she hears the exhaustion in my voice.
Me: At Ethan’s. Will call tonight. Love you.
I drop my phone on the bed and try to stretch the tension from my stiff muscles. The faint scent of fresh coffee has me throwing my legs over the edge of the mattress and picking up Ethan’s discarded T-shirt from the top of the dresser. My phone pings again, a reply from Anna lighting up the screen.
Anna: I’m so sorry Dru. I’m here if you need anything, love you too.
I place my phone on the nightstand and make my way out to the kitchen and toward the promise of caffeine. I’m feeling considerably less muddled than I was last night, even if I don’t necessarily look it. It had been so long since I really thought about Maria, which seems harsh, but I suppose I just always had that part of my life tucked away neatly. Part of me had long since accepted that my mother was in a sense, gone. The shock of finding out that she passed away sent my emotions into overdrive.
I pause in the living room to watch Ethan as he stands in front of the stove, his bare, muscular back is to me and he has a pair of thin lounge pants hanging low on his hips. My skin immediately flushes when I think of how brazen I was with him last night. I needed reprieve from the thoughts in my head and I feel almost embarrassed now for the way I pleaded with him. With Ethan, I experience levels of pleasure that I never even knew existed. The thought of his arms around me and our bodies connected seemed like the best way to silence the chaos in my mind. When I finally gave into my grief, he held me close and didn’t let go. An act of intimacy that I will never forget. I pad into the kitchen and wrap my arms around him from behind, resting my cheek on his back.
“Good morning,” he says as he places one of his palms on the top of my hand.
“Good morning.”
He flips the burner off and takes the pan of scrambled eggs off the heat before he turns around and full embraces me. “How did you sleep?” he asks, brushing his lips against my temple.
“Pretty good actually.” I tilt my head back and stare into his intensely green eyes. “Thank you for everything last night Ethan,” I say.
When he begins to brush off my gratitude, I push on. “Please, let me finish. It’s been a long time since I thought about my mother as more than just a figment of my past. I guess I just never prepared myself for the fact that someday she would be truly gone. I needed to fall apart last night, and you let me. So, thank you.” I press my lips firmly to his and hope that I’m conveying even a fraction of just how deeply my feelings are beginning to run. For a split second when our mouths part I see something flash in his eyes that resembles guilt. It passes quickly and it’s possible that my tired mind is playing tricks on me, so I let it go without another thought.
“Have a seat, you need to eat something,” he says.
We sit at his small kitchen table and eat our breakfast in comfortable silence. I practically inhale my food, not realizing just how hungry I am. I clear the plates and set them in the sink, hesitating for a minute while I contemplate what I’m about to ask. We haven’t been seeing each other that long and I don’t want to put him on the spot, but after last night I feel like we’ve taken a step forward. I hear his chair push back and as I turn from the sink, he braces his hands on either side of my waist on the counter behind me.
“I can see the uncertainty in your gorgeous eyes, just tell me what’s up,” he grins.
“Will you come with me to Esme’s today? There’s someone coming by to talk about Maria and I just...I don’t know, I guess I was just hoping maybe you could be there with me? But I understand if you can’t or if you’d rather no-”
“Dru. I’ll come with you,” he says.
I exhale softly and lean into him, wrapping my arms around him and melting even further into his chest as he holds me firmly in place.
“Thank you,” I mumble. When I pull back I bring my eyes to his only to see that brief flicker of guilt yet again. He tucks my hair behind my ear and looks almost pained when he says my name.
“Look, ther-.”
The ringing of his phone cuts off his words and just as quickly as before, his expression is once again neutral, and
the moment is gone. He turns from me and grabs his phone off the counter, answering in a curt manner and keeping his back to me. I head back to the bedroom to get dressed and tamp down the nagging feeling in my gut that tells me I might not have liked what Ethan was about to say.
I let it go for now and direct my focus back to Maria and the fact that arrangements will need to be made.
Chapter 18
Ethan
I know I’m pushing it with Dru. The way she fell apart in my arms last night and trusted me enough to do so, completely gutted me. She trusts me, and she doesn’t even know all of me. This amazing woman looks to me for strength and I can’t even let her in. I’ve carried the weight of my truth and never worried about finding redemption, until now. Until her. Before she came into my life I was ready to remain shackled to my guilt with the consequence of a life spent alone with only brief meaningless connections to sate me. Now that I’ve had a taste of how life could be, I want desperately to be relieved of my demons. I hate myself for keeping this shit from her. I almost found the courage to come clean until Nick phoned and interrupted me and now I hate myself even more for feeling so fucking relieved that he did.
She sits beside me quietly looking out the window as we make our way through the city. I can tell she’s nervous by the way she has her hands clasped tightly together and the way she continues to pull her bottom lip between her teeth. I lace my fingers with hers and pull her hand onto my lap. My feelings for Dru have well surpassed the realm of purely physical. Her beauty makes me ache but it’s the notion of someday having her heart and soul that continues to pull me in. I told her that I wasn’t a prince and I fucking meant it, and I’ll likely never believe that I deserve her. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting. No, not wanting…needing.
She squeezes my hand gently when we pull into the small parking lot behind an older building. We take the two flights of stairs in silence, but our hands remain joined. Dru knocks briefly on the door before opening it and we enter a modest apartment. A woman, who I presume to be Esme, is bent over the oven and pulling out a tray of muffins. Another woman sits at the kitchen table, she looks to be close to the same age as Esme and she’s dressed casually in jeans and a sweater. She has a brief case sitting beside her and a small stack of papers sitting on the table in front of her. Esme approaches us and pulls Dru in for a tight hug, she murmurs something in Dru’s ear but I can’t make out what she’s saying. When she pulls away she looks me up and down and smiles genuinely before extended her hand to mine.
“You must be Ethan. I’m Esme,” she says.
“It’s nice to meet you ma’am.”
“Ethan honey, if you know what’s good for you, that will be the last time you refer to me as ma’am,” she says. “Come on in and have a seat.”
Dru nudges me playfully and gives me a wink before we remove our coats and make our way into the kitchen. The woman at the table stands and introduces herself.
“Hi Dru, my name is Karen. I work for social services,” she says. “I appreciate you coming today, I know this must be a tough day for you.”
“I’m feeling okay,” Dru replies. “I think I’m over the shock and I just want to do right by Maria and make sure that the proper arrangements are made.”
I take the seat beside Dru and keep my arm around her as Karen goes through the standard paperwork that I’ve seen numerous times as a cop. As the next of kin, she’s going to have to claim Maria’s body and decide on cremation or burial. Dru’s strength amazes me as she reads over everything carefully and makes decisions based on what she thinks Maria would want. At the bottom of the pile of papers, there’s a small envelope with Dru’s name printed neatly across the front. Karen clears her throat and slides the envelope toward Dru.
“There’s a few things that you should know now that we’ve covered the arrangements,” she says. “I met Maria about three months ago at one of the women’s shelters where I volunteer. I tried to reach her, tried to convince her to get treatment, but she wasn’t interested.”
Dru reaches for my hand under the table and prompts her to continue.
“She wasn’t in a good place Dru. The last time I saw her she was battling withdrawals and pneumonia. She bounced around between shelters but often spent her time on the streets. She finally agreed to go to the hospital, but she passed away the next day. It was just too much,” she explains gently. “A month before that, she was able to get a bed at the shelter on a night that I was there, and she asked me to write something down for her. A name. She wanted it put into an envelope and she told me that if something ever happened to her, she wanted you to have it.”
Dru looks down at the envelope and back to Karen for an explanation.
“I believe that Maria gave me the name of your father Dru,” she says. “She didn’t say as much but she told me that she wanted it written down before she forgot.”
Dru
My vision begins to blur as I stare at the surface of the table and watch as the white rectangle goes in and out of focus. My father. Maria never so much as uttered a word about who my father was the entire time I lived with her. Ethan’s hand still holds mine, an anchor amidst the confusion and muddled thoughts and memories that are currently playing through my mind. Esme is standing at the kitchen counter, watching me with a sad and understanding smile. Karen is waiting for my reaction. I swallow past the thick lump in my throat and blink back the moisture in my eyes.
“Did she talk about me?” I can see the hesitation in her expression. “Please, tell me,” I plead.
“Dru, your mother was very ill, and her addiction was so far gone by the time I met her that she was often incoherent,” she says. “She mentioned once that she had a daughter a long time ago, and she told me your name. She said that you were taken away and it was for the best. She said that she didn’t know how to be a mother and that you deserved better. I’m so sorry honey.”
I can’t stop the tears as they spill over and roll down my cheeks. Ethan’s arm tightens around my shoulders and I let him pull me closer to him, allowing him to take just a bit of the pain away as I think about my final memory of my mother. She sat there and watched them take me because she knew it was for the best. That one moment of clarity on her part gave me Esme and my sisters. I have my family because of her and I promise right then and there that whenever I think of Maria, I will remember that. I will forgive the first thirteen years of my life that were spent filled with uncertainty and at times chaos. I will forgive the woman who couldn’t be a Mother and I will forgive the woman who couldn’t put me first. Because she gave me everything I have now. In that one moment, Maria stepped up and gave me a chance to really live. I can’t change who she was, but I can choose which memory I carry with me and how I remember her.
I take a deep breath, wiping the tears from my face and thank Karen for everything. She places a small file box on the table filled with some things Maria had left behind at the shelter. It’s not much but I’ll sort through it later. She packs up her papers and gives me the necessary contact information of who I can call regarding Maria’s remains. She also leaves me her card and tells me to call her if there is anything I need. Ethan releases his hold on me and turns to face me as Esme walks her to the door. He cups my chin and brushes a stray tear from my cheek with his thumb.
“I’m so sorry baby,” he says.
“I know. Thank you for being here with me,” I reply. “It means a lot to me.”
He presses his lips firmly to my temple and breathes in deeply. Esme comes back into the kitchen and I push back from the table, taking our coffee cups to the sink just as Ethan’s phone buzzes and he excuses himself to take a call. I’m standing at the sink when Esme comes to stand beside me and wraps her arm around my waist.
“I love you sweetheart,” she says.
“I love you too.”
“And what about the fella? He’s pretty cute,” she says with a smile.
“Yeah. He is,” I sigh.
“Whatever
you need, your sisters and I are here for you.”
She bumps my hip with hers and shoos me from the kitchen. I sit back down at the table and think about the first time I met Anna. Esme and I left Glenda’s office once the paperwork was done and she officially became responsible for me. We came straight back to the apartment and beat Anna home from school. I remember sitting in this exact chair when she walked through the door.
“Hello sweets, how was school?” Esme says as she takes what looks like a bursting backpack from the girl’s hand. “Anna this weighs a ton, did you take out every book they had?” she laughs.
The red-haired girl blushes and looks down at her hands before Esme cups the side of her face and forces her to look up.
“You know that’s my very favourite thing about you, don’t you?”
The girl smiles and pushes her thick glasses up her nose. She looks over at me, sitting at the table and all of a sudden, I feel nervous. What if she doesn’t like me? What if she doesn’t want a sister? Esme nudges her toward the table and I’m assuming she already knows who I am and what I’m doing here. She walks over to me and pulls out the chair beside me, sitting down and placing a worn-out book on the table.
“Hi,” she says.
“Hi,” I reply.
She opens her book and begins reading silently. My knee won’t stop bouncing underneath the table, something that always seems to happen when I’m nervous or unsure. She looks up at me and places her hand on top of mine.
“Everything’s going to be okay,” she says. “We’re sisters now, and sisters look out for each other.”
The tip of my nose tingles and I blink fast to stop the tears in my eyes from escaping. She turns back to her book and continues reading, holding my hand until it’s time for supper.
The warmth of Ethan’s arms around me pull me from the past and bring me back into the present. I lean against him, closing my eyes gratefully as he reminds me with a simple touch that I am not alone.
