by T. Nixon
She said nothing more, but before she turned to face me she collected herself, smoothing her hair and took a deep breath. When she turned around to where I was kneeling on the bed, she had on her usual smile.
"Shall we eat now?" She looked at me with her head slightly tilted.
"Sure," I replied and started to haul myself off the bed. We headed down the hallway towards the stairs and she mentioned something about the temperature dropping, so I went back to retrieve the hoodie I had tossed on the chair earlier. As I put it on my eye caught the row of photos on the wall. I leaned in and took a closer look at the picture Aunt Cherry had been holding. She and James did seem happy.
I quickly scanned the background of the photo trying to figure out where they were standing, it appeared to be somewhere in the fields, maybe where the grapes were planted? There was a very large tree, a redwood, off to the side behind Cherry. I was about to turn away, not wanting to keep her waiting any longer, when my eyes and my brain caught up with each other. There was something off about the wide based tree and I had to look really close, my face almost to the glass, but I was sure it looked like a person was sticking out from behind it.
"Victoria? You coming honey?" Cherry called from downstairs. I looked towards the hallway and then back at the picture again. I made a mental note to ask was a magnifying glass around so I could inspect the photo better.
As I hurried down the stairs I wondered if Cherry had ever noticed the other person in the photo, and who it might be. Had Brad been around back then? When I reached the bottom of the stairs my thoughts disintegrated when I smacked into Brad who was standing with his back towards me.
He turned and put his hands out to catch me before I fell to the ground. "Whoa there wild thing," he laughed.
"I'm so sorry," I said, the redness of embarrassment spread across my face. "I was distracted, I didn't-"
"No prob,” he said. “It happens. And we're both ok." I steadied myself and he released me. I took a deep breath and tried to apologize again.
"Oh don't worry about it, Brad is used to the ladies throwing themselves at him," Cherry joked.
Now it was Brad's turn to flush and he cast his eyes downward, then back to Cherry. "I wish ma'am but that ain't exactly true." To keep up with his aw-shucks act he kicked one foot and swung his head.
Cherry smiled again and let out another of those breath-laughs. "I hope you don't mind I invited Brad out to pizza with us. We have some things I'd like to go over."
"Yeah, that's fine with me," I said, and I meant it. I was grateful I didn't have the burden of making conversation or talking about how I was feeling. It had been a very long day and a I was not in the mood to talk about anything.
TWO
I was quiet in the backseat of the SUV while Cherry and Brad maintained light chatter on the way to Porter's Pizza. I was thankful they did not bring me into their conversation. I focused on the scenery and tried not to think. Occasionally bits of their chatter found a way into my consciousness, but for the most part their words drifted over and around me. The nap had only made me aware of how exhausted I was and had left me on the wrong side of cranky.
When we turned into the parking lot of Porter's- half sit down pizza joint, half tavern- my heart tightened in frustration. It was Friday night; I should have known the place would be packed. We had to circle the parking lot three times before we finally found a spot. I grew irritated waiting for the passengers to buckle up and get their things in order.
"Wow, lively tonight," Cherry commented. She maneuvered the SUV into the small parking space, turned off the engine and turned around to look at me. "We can order to go if you prefer."
I pondered the idea for a second, relishing the peace and quiet and total lack of people at her farmhouse, but decided there was no time like the present to let the locals knows I was back, for surely they were already passing around theories of my parents disappearance. Tomorrow I could do nothing and lay around all day to recover if a I needed to, but why not get all the unpleasantness over at once?
"No, it's ok, I'm fine. Let's just eat here." I hoped I sounded convincing.
"Are you sure? It's really no trouble and they'll rush the order if I ask them to." Her voice was warm and patient, something I missed every time I had to go back home after a visit. She was the opposite of my mother who always had a hurried undertone in her voice, as though she needed her words out quickly before she forgot them. Where Cherry's voice was like honey, my mom’s was like pop- fast and sparkly. I missed my mother's voice. I missed always having to ask her to repeat herself.
Startled by the sudden sadness that overwhelmed me, I stumbled over my reply, eventually getting out "no, it’s fine. Really, I want to." Though I was sure she didn't believe me, she undid her seat belt and nodded at Brad to do the same. Together we got out of the SUV and made our way across the parking lot.
Voices and noise wafted through the door and out into the parking lot. There were two entrances, both doors made of heavy wood. Each door had a carved sign above it, one reading "Porter's Pub" and other "Porter's Pizza". We chose the door to the right, the one that contained the most noise which blasted us upon opening.
The pizza side was loaded with families and groups of kids in sports uniforms. The aroma of fresh-made pizza and beer filled every space, and each long wooden table held containers of crushed red peppers and Parmesan cheese. A long counter lined the back of the main room, and there were two arched doorways off to the right where there was a mini arcade.
The center of the room had rows of long tables for "family style" dining which often meant you were sitting next to a neighbor or friend, or someone who's child plays on the same kiddie sports team. Booths lined the walls for those who were lucky enough to snag one and enjoy some semblance of privacy. When I was younger, I hardly spent any time at the table. I was in the arcade with the other kids, usually playing skill ball with AJ, rolling the wooden ball up the ramp hoping to sink it in the 100-point hole. It was the only game I played with him where I had a shot at winning, and when I did, I was not shy about gloating.
I scanned the room looking for an open table and willed myself to ignore the stares. I forced myself to pretend they weren't leaning to pass comments between each other about the girl whose parents vanished. I swore fingers pointed my direction, but I refused to dignify them by looking. Though I was working hard to refrain from making eye contact with anyone, there was one set of eyes that was hard to ignore.
AJ was looking right at me and ignoring whatever it was his companion was saying. Our eyes met and I allowed him to hold my gaze for only a second. He gave away nothing, just looked at me, though he did not have the air of curiosity the other people did. I moved my eyes from his and looked at his companion. I recognized her at once even though she had also changed since the last time I had seen her.
Alyssa Bryant. Her long dark hair laid in silky strands over her shoulders. It was held away from her face by a light pink head band that flattered her olive skin. She wore a pure white baby doll summer dress that stopped mid-thigh with a baby pink cardigan so soft it invited touching. Her shimmery lips were full and pouty and portrayed a softness her eyes did not match. No, her eyes were hard and narrow as she surveyed me. Alyssa had always been jealous of me and AJ's friendship, and by the way she had her hand possessively on his arm, it was doubtful her feelings had mellowed in my absence.
I ignored her, as I always had, and followed Cherry and Brad to a table. I made sure to position myself with my back to the couple, hoping they would take it as a sign that I was not interested in them. The three of us went about deciding on our order and I forced myself to act indifferent to everyone around me. A few people came up to our table to say hi but no one indicated anything was off or different in our lives. Other than the occasional "welcome back" the only giveaway was the look of pity in their eyes. Whatever their opinions or theories were, for the time being, they kept them to themselves.
Brad volunteered to place
our order which gave Cherry and I a few minutes alone. "Ah, AJ is here with Alyssa," she said and slightly nodded in the couple's direction. She smiled and gave a quick wave, obviously she had made eye contact with AJ. I traced the pattern of the wood in the table in order to keep from looking at anyone. I allowed my fingers to go over a deep knot, it made me wonder what the piece of wood had looked like as a tree, where it had lived, how old it had been when it was chopped down.
Cherry seemed to understand I wasn't in the mood to talk so she let me be. Brad returned, slid into his seat and I was let off the hook. For the half hour we waited for our pizza I tuned in and out of their conversation. I knew from experience that once they started talking about the farm there wasn't any stopping them, but what else was I going to do? More than once I resisted the urge to turn around and look at AJ and was thankful when the pizza arrived to distract me.
I tore off two slices as soon as the pan hit the table and dropped them quickly onto a plate. I piled on Parmesan and red pepper flakes and then blew on the slices to cool them down before diving in. I lifted a steaming, cheesy piece to my face, mouth open and poised for a bite when his voice interjected.
"Slide on over would ya?"
I faced AJ, pizza still hanging in midair. He was smiling, his dark eyes twinkling as though he had been waiting for a moment such as this to approach me. I set the slice down and begrudgingly slid across the wooden bench to make room for him.
"Mmm, pepperoni deluxe," he said looking at my plate and then at me. His smile was slightly patronizing and yet ridiculously attractive. A thumping began in my chest. I sighed and looked away.
"Help yourself," Cherry said waving her hand over the pizza and smiling at AJ. She and Brad went back to their conversation, leaving AJ and I to talk amongst ourselves.
"So you too good for me now?" he asked reaching across to grab a slice of pizza. His arm brushed against mine and I froze automatically. I was uncomfortable with the nearness of him, and shocked by the way I was reacting. It's AJ, I told myself. But still, the thumping grew stronger.
He looked at me with a raised eyebrow as he took a giant bite of pizza, waiting for me to answer his question. I glanced at him then looked at my own plate, my beautiful slices getting cold, my appetite rapidly diminishing. My stomach was churning for reasons other than hunger. Like it had sucked up into my chest cavity, pushed against my lungs making it hard to breath.
"No," I said, surprised at how unconvincing I sounded. It's just AJ, why am I acting like this? No, this has to stop. I ran my fingers through my hair, sat up a little straighter and looked him right in the eye. Which was hard. "I'm just, really tired, ok? I hadn't exactly planned on having a summer va-cay reunion on my first day back." I reached for my pizza and took a bite almost as big as his, determined that he would not affect me. Or, at the very least, determined he wouldn’t know he affected me.
"Wow," he paused with a slice in midair and looked at me. I glanced at him and he wore a slightly stung expression. "Glad to see you too," he said quietly, looked away and continued eating the pizza.
Regret washed over me as I replayed my words in my head. I sounded harsh; I hadn't meant to. I had intended to regain some control over myself, I didn't mean to do it at the expense of his feelings.
"I mean, not that I didn't want to see you," I said as soon as I swallowed my oversize bite. "I'm just... tired." Even though I felt like I should, I refused to apologize. He was being pushy after all.
"Ok, ok I forgive you," he said and flashed me another smile. Jerk. I was tired and confused, I hadn't expected things to be so different with him. I hadn't counted on having to deal with the way my body reacted to him, and what that did to my mind. I glanced over my shoulder and met eyes with Alyssa. Angry eyes, with hate being thrown in my direction. It was clear she was not accustomed to being abandoned by anyone. She was sipping her soda and keeping a close eye on AJ.
"Your girlfriend is stabbing me with her eyes. It's rude of you to leave her sitting here like that."
He turned, smiled and waved at her, then turned his eyes to me. "She'll survive."
"I have to say I'm shocked you're dating... her." He hesitated for a second at my words, and from the corner of my eye I noticed Cherry give me a look. She was listening to us. Interesting.
"Jealous?" he asked. His hesitation was slight and had I been looking somewhere else I might have missed it.
"Oh yes," I said, rolling my eyes and filling my voice with as much sarcasm as I could muster. "All I ever think about is you, AJ. Day and night, year after year, spending every single moment waiting for the summer to come so I could get back here and see you again." I fluttered my eye lashes as I spoke for additional affect.
"Really?" He looked at me with total seriousness, his eyes sparkling. Was that anticipation? I didn't know how to respond. He had to know I was kidding, there is no way he could have missed the sarcasm, it was what we did, how we talked to each other for so many summers.
His eyes were delving into mine and wreaking havoc on my insides. The pounding spread from my chest to my ears. No, he wasn't serious, there was no way, but still, he was waiting for me to say something, poised, tense.
"I- I was just-" I stammered unable to finish. I looked back and forth between his eyes trying to understand its meaning.
"Gotcha," he said and broke out laughing. I felt the heat rise in my face; I did not like it when the joke was on me.
"Get out," I said and pointed away, demanding him to follow. He laughed but he obeyed and slid off the seat. He stood up and then leaned in and said "don't take everything so seriously."
"Why not? You used to... Jason," I shot back and his smile quickly faded. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and looked straight ahead, determined to ignore him until he left.
He blinked a little, stunned, and I knew he had gotten my point. He had changed, he was different. He had become the kind of teen-ager we used to mock. Jason and others like him, the jocks. The don't-take-everything-so-seriously guy with the typical popular and pretty girlfriend. Even AJ's truck was a cliche.
"Ok well, Cherry, Brad, I better get back to Alyssa before someone else snatches her up. Thanks for the pizza." He looked at me again, his voice tight and distant now. "See you 'round Vic." He walked away without giving me time to respond, not that I was going to.
I stared at the uneaten pizza on the plate before me. A whole slice and another with only a big bite missing. The best pizza on the west coast and I wasn't hungry anymore. It had been replaced by irritation and sadness. I wanted to lock myself in my room and not come out for several days.
THREE
When we got home, I said quick good nights to Cherry and Brad and hurried through getting ready for bed. The house was chilly, so I climbed under the covers with a sweatshirt over my light pajamas. I tucked the blankets around me hoping to speed up the warming process and laid on my back and thought.
I wanted to fall asleep, but instead I was invaded with thoughts and images of AJ. If I thought about AJ, I didn't have to think about leaving home, possibly for good. I didn't have to think about my missing parents. Or worry about nightmares.
I flashed back to earlier when I saw AJ for the first time in 2 years. My heart began beating harder and my stomach turned. How could he be doing this to me? I didn’t want to admit I was attracted to him though I already knew it was true. I didn't want to be. Wasn't my life complicated enough without throwing in a crush on someone with the girlfriend from hell? I was certain I would get over it once the newness wore off and I got accustomed to my new routine. He was not the same AJ I knew, I reminded myself, he was the new, cliched version.
An hour later sleep was still elusive, but I had fallen into the space before sleep, warm and relaxed. Thoughts were still circling in my mind. I was brought to the surface by a creaking sound outside my door, the hardwood floor, a sound I wasn't used to back home. I opened my eyes slightly to see Cherry peeking into the room, checking on me. She closed the door quietl
y and I heard her creak away. Her footsteps were silent, however the old floor and the slight tap of dog nails made resounding noise in the stillness.
Moments after she was gone, I heard a plopping sound that confused me for a second, and then my brain woke up enough to remember. I forced myself to get out of bed and quietly opened the door for Kitten who peeled herself off the floor and entered the room. I hurried back into the warmth of the bed; Kitten curled herself up on the rug and let out a big sigh.
With the dog in the room I fell into sleep quickly. I had various dreams, one where AJ's face was floating like a cloud above me, he was talking to me from the sky, and another where I was on a car trip to a strange land, where dogs walked on two legs. And then... I awoke with a start and sharp intake of breath. My hands immediately reached out to feel the solid bed beneath me. In my dream I had been falling, falling straight down and away from the outstretched arms of my mother...
