by T. Nixon
“AJ said you guys got all the chores done, I’m impressed, it was a long list.” I looked up at her but didn’t say anything. “You two must make a good team,” she said looking at her salad.
I knew instantly what she was getting at and my heart started pounding in reply. I wanted to contradict her but then I might be forced to tell her that AJ had done most of the barn chores. And then it might come out that we had gone to the tree, not that I worried she would have cared, but then I might have to tell the rest of the story and relive the feelings. Nope, not gonna do that.
“Yeah,” I replied and quickly took a huge bite of salad so I wouldn’t be forced to elaborate. Fortunately, she didn’t press the matter, but she gave me an odd look. She knows. Was my discomfort so obvious? I hurried to finish my meal so I could escape. I wanted nothing more than to be alone and to forget. My life was a chaotic mess and the last thing I wanted was to get tangled up in feelings for someone who has a girlfriend. An evil harpie of a girlfriend at that.
After dinner I helped clean up, tried to avoid any bit of personal conversation and then retired upstairs to take the bath. I grabbed my phone, chose a fluffy towel from the hall closet, my pj’s and headed into the old bathroom at the end of the hall. I filled the tub and lowered myself into the warmth. Instantly I feel soothed, but it didn’t last long.
I leaned back, closed my eyes and enjoyed the warm softness of the water around me. And then I saw AJ’s face, close to mine, his eyes soft and clouded. I felt his arms around me, warm and safe, like being wrapped in my childhood blanket. The moment had been beautiful and natural, and yet it left a tactile scar. Another scar for my collection. I opened my eyes to break the vision. I was done. Determined not to think about AJ anymore I dried my hands on the towel hanging near the claw footed bathtub and picked up my phone. I shoved my ear buds in and turned on some music guaranteed to distract. Quite some time later Cherry’s knock on the door snapped me back into reality.
“You ok in there honey?” she asked through the door.
“Yeah,” I called back. “Sorry, I guess I lost track of time.”
“Just making sure.” Her voice had a slightly worried tone. What, did she think I was going to drown in the bathtub? I decided it was time to get out. The water was cold, and my feet were shriveled.
I pulled the drain and watched as the water made a vortex, a long swirl through two feet of water. In the center there was nothing. Like me. I was a vortex of complicated feelings and emotions but at my core I could feel nothing. I was a hollow swirl waiting for something to fill me and nothing would until my parents came home. Or turned up dead. At least then I could deal with it and move on, hard as it would be. As I stared at the vortex AJ again popped into my mind. Why was I determined to think about him? It frustrated me and added to the emotional fatigue I already carried around with me day after day.
Something my mother once said, years ago when I was dealing with a girl at school who was less than pleasant, popped into my head. Better the devil you know than the one you don’t. Was that what it was all about? It was easier to deal with my feelings for AJ than it was to deal with the bigger things going on in my life? It made sense. I stood up and reached for my towel. It may make sense, but I still didn’t like it. I made a decision in that moment and as soon as I was dressed, I would tell Cherry. I just hoped she didn’t ask me too many questions.
I went downstairs to seek out Cherry. She was at her desk deeply engrossed in her accounting ledger. Maybe this wasn’t the time to talk to her. I turned around to go but she had spotted me. “What’s up?” she asked.
I turned back around, she was facing me, removing her glasses and smiling lightly in her usual comforting way. I took a deep breath, I didn’t want to say it but I needed to, I just didn’t want her to ask questions.
“What is it?” she asked, sitting up a little straighter. She could tell I was uncomfortable.
“I just... is it ok if.... well,” I looked everywhere but at her. I didn’t want to open that can of worms, I didn’t want to have to explain. I glanced at her and saw a worried look on her face. I knew I needed to just spit it out. “If it’s ok, I would rather not work with AJ anymore.” I let out a breath when I said it and felt my shoulders drop.
She studied me while she delicately chewed on one end of her glasses, the look in her eyes was hard to read but almost hinted at amusement. I shifted my weight and looked around the room.
“Alright,” she said slowly. “I’m sure I can find plenty for you to do.”
I let out another breath and smiled. “Thanks,” I said almost too eagerly. She smiled at me and I had a strong feeling she knew there was something going on between AJ and I, but thankfully, she didn’t ask. She speculated in her quiet way, a suggestive look in her eyes, a nod of the head, but I was ok with her jumping to her own conclusions as long as I didn’t have to correct them.
SIX
Iawoke the next morning happy, for the first time ever, that it was Monday. I awoke to another foggy, gray day but tried not to let my mood match. After my morning routine I went downstairs. The house was quiet leading me to believe Cherry was out already. Among my friends back home I was generally considered an early riser, but I was nothing compared to Cherry who seemed to never need sleep. She was in bed after me every night and up before me every morning.
I helped myself to some breakfast and while I munched on the organic sugary cereal that Cherry bought especially for me, I picked up a copy of the Boulder Creek Report, the tiny local newspaper in the area. I skimmed the pages of the ultra-thin paper while I chewed but stopped suddenly when I heard the familiar sound of an old truck rumbling up the gravel drive. I jumped up, ran to the kitchen window, and stood on my tiptoes to see what I dreaded- it was AJ’s truck.
“Damn,” I said as I rocked my weight back onto my heels. “Damn, damn, damn.”
“What’s the matter?”
I jumped out of my skin at the sound of Cherry’s voice. I thought I was alone in the house and hadn’t heard her walk up. I grabbed my chest, waiting for my heart to stop pounding so I could speak. Meanwhile Cherry walked up next to me and looked over me and out the window. As she did, I heard AJ’s door slam, he had gotten out of the truck, and then a second later Cherry waved. He had looked towards the house. She smiled as she moved her eyes away from the window and towards me.
“You scared me,” I said, trying to conceal frustration. I walked back to the table and sat down to finish my cereal.
“I’m sorry,” Cherry said warmly and pulled up the chair across from mine. “What has you so upset?”
I spooned my cereal but no longer had an appetite for the soggy mess. I avoided looking at her as I figured out what I would say that would invoke the least number of questions. I was distracted by my disappointment of not having a day off from AJ, what was he doing here anyway? Surely, he hadn’t dropped out of school?
Without thinking I opened my mouth and asked, “why isn’t AJ in school?” I still didn’t meet her eyes, but I could feel hers on me.
“He’s in a new program- well, it’s new to us old timers. He does a satellite program... or sometimes they call it off campus learning. He only goes to school to check in with his teachers, they have meetings instead of class, and he gets credit for working on the farm and things like that.”
I looked up at her in disbelief. He didn’t have to go to school? I only got out of the year because I had great grades and the school took pity on me. But worst of all that meant that AJ would be around all the time and it would be almost impossible for me to escape seeing him. I sighed and moved my eyes back to my cereal.
“Well, I better get back to work,” she got up and as she walked behind me she placed a hand on my shoulder. I sensed she wanted to say something about AJ but she didn’t. She patted my shoulder and then said, “I’ve decided to put you in charge of the animals if that works for you. The horses really could use more exercise and the chickens are always laying more eggs than anyone
has time to collect. I’ll leave a list for you on the desk.” She patted me one more time and without saying anything more she walked to the mudroom, put on her coat and slid her feet into her zebra print rubber boots, threw me a smile and left.
For the rest of the week I concentrated my efforts on making sure the horses got the best care, the chicken eggs were collected and packed for sale, and the barn was kept in tip top shape. I spent a lot of time riding, mostly around the pasture but I also ventured out onto the trail. I had considered going back to the tree but wasn’t quite ready, the memory of AJ’s lips so close was still fresh, still caused electricity and anxiety when remembered.
And I tried hard not to think of it. Instead, Greta and I explored new trails, not going too far in case I got lost, and always with the aid of Kitten. Sometimes in the quiet of the mountain forest I thought I heard things, like the soft step of someone walking behind us, around us, but no one was ever there, and Greta never seemed to be disturbed. I did my best to avoid AJ at all costs and for several days had been very successful. Could he be following me? It was hard to believe, but it was harder to believe there was a random person walking around in Cherry’s vast wood.
I suspected AJ was avoiding me too. I made sure his truck was not around or that he was well involved in his own work before I ventured out of the house and when I was around the barn, I worked quietly so that no one could sneak up on me unannounced. At night I was so tired from the hard labor and fresh air that I usually fell into a deep sleep.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t avoid anything in my dreams. Dreams of my parents, calling to me from some far-off unseen place now intermixed with the scene from the meadow. The outcome was always the same, but the things AJ said- and did- were different each time. I woke up every morning with a heavy heart. Being around the horses lifted it a little, or at least enough that I could let my mind focus on less emotional topics for a while. Cherry must have known her four leg friends would help my soul. But no matter what, they could not erase the deep feelings, the ones I tried to lock up and ignore. The persistent feeling that my parents were alive and trapped and I was unable to help them. The conflicting feeling, where I was sure I deluded myself into thinking they were alive so I wouldn’t have to accept they were dead. Each morning I pushed aside the thoughts and did everything I could to fill my mind with something else, something I could control.
I awoke Friday morning tired and cranky. Since AJ seemed to always be around, I couldn’t look forward to the prospect of a weekend off from avoiding him. I dragged myself out of bed and peeked out the window, there was no sign of his truck- yet. I went about my morning business, grabbed a quick bite and headed out to the barn. Cherry met me in the gravel yard and told me we would be taking eggs to the market for the weekend and stocking up on our weekly supplies.
It had been a week, a full week since my arrival at the farm and already it felt like months. Cherry and I arranged a time in the early afternoon to meet and I headed off to the barn. All morning I was jumpy, expecting AJ to be around every corner, standing behind me while I was cleaning stalls, showing up at any moment. No matter what I did I couldn’t shake the feeling there was someone else around, no matter how many times I unexpectedly peeked around corners or over stall doors there was never anyone there.
Constantly pausing to look over my shoulder made my duties take much longer and I was late meeting Cherry. I ran from the barn to the house throwing a quick glance where AJ parked his truck and momentarily surprised that it was not there. I knitted my eyebrows together and sprinted up the porch steps, avoiding the advances of several dogs in the process, threw the kitchen door open and hurried upstairs to change.
I hurried out of my dirty jeans and pulled a clean pair out of a light green plastic laundry basket. I threw on the nearest t-shirt I could find and grabbed my favorite hoodie. I sat on the bed and quickly pulled on my shoes while Cherry called up the stairs to me.
“Coming,” I called back as I snatched my wallet off the side table and hurried down the stairs.
In the SUV Cherry and Brad made small talk while I watched the scenery. It had been the first time I left the farm since the day I arrived. Cherry tried to involve me in the conversation, but I wasn’t eager to participate. I was distracted, my thoughts surrounding AJ once more, where he was, why he had finally taken a day off from the farm. We wound our way down the mountain on a scenic two-lane road. The lanes were narrow, and the tall trees sometimes left little room on the shoulder. After several miles of sharp curves, we were deposited at Highway 9. If we went right, we would go through Ben Lomond and then eventually Santa Cruz. To the left was Boulder Creek.
Going the other direction from the farm on the mountain road took you right to the ocean- if your stomach could tolerate the twists and turns. The cutoff to the farm was located almost in the middle, one way to the valley towns and another to the calm blue and serenity of buff colored sand. In my reflective mood I would have done better to go to the ocean, but today was town day.
We turned left and headed to Boulder Creek. It was a happy Friday afternoon for most of the valley residents and traffic was heavy. We finally pulled into the parking lot of the tiny local market and as soon as the car was stopped, I hopped out and went around to the back. Cherry popped the trunk door and I opened it slowly. Within a few seconds Brad was next to me and together we checked the egg cartons for any leaks. Cherry arrived with a shopping cart and we gently loaded the boxes in. I opted to wait outside while they made their delivery and then did the weekly shopping. We agreed to meet back at the car at a certain time and I headed off down the street into the heart of Boulder Creek.
I wandered slowly down the wide two lane road. On either side of me stood old buildings- most with flat roofs and colored trim, some with sharp pitch. It was a bright, sunny afternoon and the blue sky met the tops of towering evergreens creating a backdrop from another time in history. If the cars weren’t so modern, I could have easily thought I slipped into the 1950's version of the town that my aunt had an old print of. Most of the stores had remained unchanged for years except the paint, and even some of those exteriors were peeling from age and weather.
Scattered down the main section of shops were new additions, such as the market Brad and Cherry were at. Those stores were there to accommodate the newest residents to the San Lorenzo Valley, the ones who relied on wholly organic herbals and supplements, fair trade coffee and sustainably made clothing to get through their days.
Folks smiled as they passed me, most said hello and some nodded. It was much different than the separateness of Sacramento, where we had only known the people who lived in our planned neighborhood community.
I stopped on a corner at the southernmost end of the business district. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and let the sun and easiness of the small-town soak in. There was something about Boulder Creek and the mountains that surrounded it that quieted my mind, made me a different person than who I was in Sacramento. I wondered if that was a normal feeling, if other people felt that way when they stepped out of their ordinary lives. I felt the warmth on my face and for a few brief seconds my mind was as calm as my body was feeling.
And then I heard a horn honk. I started, my eyes flew open and I turned and looked towards the street. I heard the familiar rumble of AJ's truck a split second before I saw it. My heart skipped a beat and then started pounding. He was passing by me slowly, waving, his girlfriend in the front seat next to him, frowning. I gave him a quick half wave and then immediately spun around and started walking quickly back towards the store in case he tried to stop and chat.
I was two or three blocks away before I realized my eyebrows were knitted together and I was sure I had given him an awful frown. I rubbed my hands over my face, let out a big groan and continued walking back to the store.
◆◆◆
“So how do you feel about some lunch,” Brad said giving me a good pat on the shoulder. I had been waiting for them at the SUV, trying to regain
some of the inner calm I had felt earlier, but now I was only annoyed. The brightness annoyed me, the endless stream of slow-moving Sunday drivers annoyed me.
“Sure,” I replied. The way he and Cherry looked at each other after he asked, I felt like they were cooking something up, probably trying to do something nice for me.
“Well then, let's get this puppy loaded,” he said as he opened the trunk door. I helped him load several bags into the back and then went around and let myself into the back. I tried not to brood but I felt almost incapable of doing anything else. Why did AJ always have to show up when I was least expecting him? I took several deep breaths and tried to steady myself while Brad got in and he and Cherry buckled up. I caught his eye in the rear-view mirror and he smiled at me. It was a closed mouth, almost pitying kind of smile. I tried to reciprocate and then directed my attention out the window.
Brad didn't ask me where I wanted to eat, there weren't many choices with a truck full of groceries. It would be the Taste E Freeze. A local hang out, it was also the best friend food in the area. The owner/manager drew people in with his warmth, always greeting people by name if he knew it and was quick to make conversation. I hoped we wouldn't have to linger, that we could grab our food and go.
The small parking lot of the old single story blue building was packed. Perhaps that is why I didn't notice two important things, things that would have persuaded me to beg Brad to drive away quickly. Instead, I was distracted by some skateboarders near one of the old fashioned light poles who had zipped out in front of our SUV. I was silently swearing at the idiots and giving them dirty looks when we pulled into a spot.
