“But how many have you dated?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“Honesty Kieran.”
“I have dated a few, but they were just that, dates. Very little went from a date to anything longer, none took my heart though. That waited for you.”
“Kieran my heart is barely sellotaped together.”
“I know, but you know what?” He pulls my body towards him with my legs, scrapping my chair along the floor. “I am your superglue.” Taking his hand off my leg he rests it on my cheek. I lean towards the warmth and leave a feathering kiss on his palm.
“You’re an amazing man Kieran. One day you will make a woman a wonderful partner.”
“Do you hear me at all Julia?”
“I hear you, I’m just not sure I deserve you.”
“Then listen very carefully to me. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m afraid you are.”
“I am?”
“Yes, to your room. I’m tired and want to get up early.”
“And what is waking you up so early tomorrow on your last day?”
“I want to watch the sun come up.”
“Then I will watch it with you.”
“Goodnight Kieran.”
Pushing his chair back, he places my legs onto the ground and stands up. Kissing me on my forehead.
“Goodnight Julia.”
His lips are so close, it will only take me a microsecond to pull him down to me and leave my mark on them but I don’t. He is wearing his heart on his sleeve and I am hiding mine. It would be cruel of me to encourage him any more when I will be leaving soon and may never see him again. Instead I watch him push the chair in under the table, climb over the railing onto the sand and disappear behind the wall separating our balconies.
Watching the morning sun rise above the sea, the round ball of heat starts to lift in the sky, awakening the world below it. Kieran walks in front of my railing in his white cotton shirt breezing slightly at the neck, whistling, as the sun reaches half way up. With his hands in his light coloured trouser pockets, he leans his back against the metal separating us and stands in silence. It takes all my will power not to reach over and drape my arms over his shoulders and lean my head towards his while we watch, but it would be selfish of me to do that. So instead I stay sitting and when the sun reaches its peak, Kieran walks back to his room without even turning around to say good morning, whistling again. I stay in my chair watching the joggers run across the beach front, most have their earphones in and I wonder could they hear the sound of the waves filtering the sand or are they so busy in their own little world that they just don’t take notice of anything around them.
After a light breakfast in my room I pack a few essentials in my bag to start my last day. Mentally checking through my list for water, tissues, mints, sun cream and glasses, I take out the small pink lock I had bought, placing it on the table next to the bed. Lovelocks are meant to be for lovers, I was silly to think I could place mine amongst the hundreds of others who have stood at the railing probably sealing their deed with a kiss. I know I be will be passing them again and this time I need to take a picture of that purple lock with the words that have been engraved on my mind since I read it. Now that I know that Ryan was here before I want to find out if he left one there with her.
Slipping on my sandals, I throw my bag over my shoulder and leave the room.
****
Kieran answers his bedroom door after the second knock looking very much ready to venture out. His shades are already on and he has his keys in his hand.
“We’re walking Kieran, is that ok?”
“Absolutely, I love walking.” He replies and slips his keys into his pocket.
“Do you want to pop them in my bag, don’t want to lose them along the way?” I ask him.
“Good idea, just as well one of us is thinking straight.” Handing them to me, I unzip my bag and throw the keys in.
“Interesting key ring you have there. Is it a lovelock?” I ask a little shocked.
“It is.” Kieran answers cheerfully.
“You haven’t written on it yet?” Turning the lock over in my hand to check the other side.
“Nope, not yet anyway. When Sinead came over here years ago she bought it for me. Said that one day I would write on it. It’s a little faded in colour now but it’s useful as a key ring.”
“I like your sister already.”
“Yeah, she’s a good kid. God she would kill me if she heard that I called her a kid, she is a young woman.”
“You miss her?”
“Terribly, but she is in good company and getting the best care.”
Stepping out of the building I can taste the heat already and the pavement has a haze shimmering up from it.
“Which way?” Kieran asks me and I point over to the pathway leading back up the steps to the locks. He looks at me, questioning my choice and starts leading the way in a steady pace. Every second person we pass on the way seems to know Kieran; he has to stop on a few occasions to make light conversation. I stay back away from him while he does, not wanting to be in the way of his circle of friends. After the fourth time he pauses, he waits for me to catch up to him once the young lady he was chatting to starts to walk away, still looking at Kieran as she leaves.
“You don’t need to stay so far behind every time someone stops me.”
“I don’t want to get in the way, especially when you seem to be so well known.” I nod my head in the woman’s direction that is still looking over her shoulder at him.
“What are you on about Julia? I’ve known Marie since she was a teenager, we’re like family.”
“Does she know you look at her like that?”
“No idea and frankly I really don’t give a shit.”
“Kieran! What’s wrong with you talking like that?”
“I’m grand, just stay close to me. I don’t like you hovering in the distance just because I have stopped to talk to someone.”
Starting our walk again I stay beside him this time, without another word between us.
I don’t remember the steps being as steep the last time I climbed them but when we get to the second platform I need to stop and have a drink. Kieran stands by the railing and looks out over the sea, taking no notice of the locks next to him.
“Do you not wonder who wrote them?” I ask him as I put the bottle back into my bag.
“Wrote what?” He asks with his back still facing me.
“The locks. Do you every wonder about them?”
“There are locks everywhere on this island. I’d never get anything done if I read them all.”
“I didn’t mean that you had to read them, just wonder about them.”
Turning around he pushes his sunglasses up on his nose and folds his arms across his broad chest.
“Julia, I have no interest in other people’s business once it doesn’t involve me.”
“Can I show you something, it’s on the railing further up.” I ask him, taking no notice of the comment he has just made.
“As long as you promise me something.”
“What’s that?” Even with my sunglasses on I still have to squint when I look at him with the sun shining behind him.
“If you feel anyway tired or hot you tell me, promise.”
“I promise.” I say with my little finger out towards him. Stepping closer to me he links his pinkie finger with mine and shakes. “Pinkie swears.” I tell him before moving off again.
“You know Julia, if I had known we were going on a walk involving stopping every few minutes to read those locks I would have suggested a different route.” Kieran jests after I stop yet again further up the steps.
“I’m not going to even mention about you stopping for your fan club then. Anyway I am looking for one that I saw the other day. I thought it was here.”
“They weren’t my fan club, just friends. What did it look like and don’t say bronze.”
“Purple and i
t was about this big.” I demonstrate by widening my fingers to the size I think it is.
“Purple shouldn’t be that hard to see. And it is definitely here?”
“I thought it was. I’m sure it is around here somewhere.”
“Look, let’s keep going. I’m sure we will find it. What’s so special about it?”
Kieran begins walking again, this time slower, up the steps with his head down focusing on the locks as he passes them.
“The purple lock just stood out to me,” I tell him as I catch him up slightly out of breath, “there were words wrote on it that at first I thought was just a lovers’ message but after what I found out yesterday, I think it is Abigail that wrote it.”
I nearly trip up on Kieran’s heels as he stops dead in front of me. “You can’t be serious. Julia it could be from anyone.”
“I know but it played on my mind early last night and I just want to be sure.”
“Do you really want to put yourself through more misery if you find it?”
“I won’t be Kieran, I swear I won’t. I think I found it the first time for a reason and I guess this will be my proof of what they thought of each other. It’s not Ryan’s thing to be public with affection, well he never was with me. But here he seemed to do it no bother. The lock, you could say, is the final act of betrayal. It’s like they announced to anyone passing here that they loved each other. This isn’t my Ryan. This is Abigail’s.”
“Let’s try the next batch.” Kieran holds out his hand and I take it. As we get higher up the steps, I feel like I am getting stronger. Stronger to let Ryan go, stronger to life the live I should be living.
Kieran leaves out a sigh and holds a lock out towards me from the railing.
“Is this the one?”
The large out-of-place purple lock looks small in Kieran’s hand; the quote with its neat handwriting is turned facing me.
“It is.” I confirm to him and he squeezes my hand a little making me at ease to read it again. “R x Our love is ours & ours alone.”
“Do you think the R means Ryan?” Kieran asks me as I start to turn it over. “I do, listen to the rest; No one can come between us x A. A has to be Abigail. It fits. Everything that is written here is exactly how they felt about each other. No one can come between us. They mean me don’t they?”
“It does seem too much of a coincidence not to. There is only one person you can ask to be sure.”
“I know.” I answer dreading the thought.
“Will you ask when you go home tomorrow?”
“I’m scared to. I mean, between your picture, this lock and Abigail’s behaviour it all fits but actually hearing it from her. I don’t know if I could cope.”
“Do you want me to take a picture of it for you, just to keep in case you need it for evidence?”
“Would you mind? I don’t think I want it on my camera.”
“Not a bother at all. Anything for you.”
I focus on the clear blue sea with its small fishing boats and cruisers dotted around while I can hear Kieran taking pictures of the lock. The thought of the pair of them standing here together, probably arms around each other, is something I don’t want to think about. I dig my fingernails into the palm of my hands and relish in the pain. She has taken away from me all the love I was holding onto him with and now there seems to nothing left but a bitter taste. For nearly eight months I have stopped living, for a man that hadn’t given up anything for me. My cheeks become damp and I inhale the salty breeze from the ocean. From behind me, my hands are unravelled into his. Entwining our fingers together, I step back into him, welcoming his arms around me. Resting his chin on my shoulder we stand together with our own thoughts running through our minds, trying to make sense of it all.
“You see the sea out there?” Kieran softly asks me, “it goes for miles and no matter who is in it, who floats on it or even what you take from it, the sea still makes waves, the tide still goes in and out. It takes a lot of shit from people, animals and even itself, but it is still beautiful to look at and so calming when you are out on it. Don’t waste your time dwelling on what has happened. You are too strong for that crap Julia, do you hear me? You are like the sea.”
“Is that how you feel when you are out on your yacht, calm?”
“Yes, that’s exactly how I feel. Show me your hands.”
With his arms still holding me around my waist, I turn my palms upwards to him. The dents of my fingernails have left deep marks drawing blood.
“Oh Julia, you shouldn’t hurt yourself babe.”
“I won’t do that again. I don’t really know what came over me. It’s just that I had a little pebble a woman gave me a few days ago. It helped me when I have this useless uncontrollable feeling.”
“And where is it now? Is it in your bag, do you want me to get it?”
“I lost it.”
“You did? Where?”
“That day at the beach, I was holding it.”
“A small pebble you say?”
“Yeah, silly really but it seemed to help. If I had it with me now, I don’t think I would have done that.”
Kieran removes his arms from around me leaving a void that I don’t deserve. No one should inflict pain on oneself; he must think I’m awful for doing so. I turn away from the beauty of the sea to start the descent back down again but Kieran holds his hand out to me, closed.
“What are you doing?”
“Put your hand out.”
“You have already seen the marks, Kieran.”
“It’s not the marks I want to see. Now put out your hand, please.”
Hesitant I open my palm to him and he rests his fist onto it. Slowly he opens up his fingers and I am memorised at what is left behind when he removes his hand away. There in the centre is my pebble.
“What…how…where did you find it?”
“On your chest. I thought it might mean something to you as your hand was covering it, so I slipped it into the pocket of the door in my jeep. Totally forgot about it until now. Lucky for you I took it from the jeep before I went into the hotel last night. I just haven’t had the chance to ask you about it since.”
“I thought I had lost it,” rubbing my finger over the top of it I lift my head up at Kieran and step forward to throw my arms around him. “Thank you. I went back to look for it the other day, crazy I know but just having it in my hand again is a relief.”
Kieran wraps his arms around the top of my shoulders and pulls me closer to him. He is intoxicating; I inhale him into the furthest and darkest parts of my lungs and hold my breath to keep it implanted deep inside me. By tomorrow I will be back in my apartment and sorting out Ryan’s things that I have left for far too long.
I try to arch back wanting to see Kieran but he holds me tighter against him.
“Kieran, shall we head back?” I ask with my muffled voice talking to his expanding hard chest.
“Why do I feel like this is the last day I will see you?” I hear him confess and my heart sinks for him. Is this why he has needed me to stay close to him today?
“Life moves on, we move on and I’m not sure I’m capable of anything but friendship right now.” I admit.
“Then let me be that. Let us be friends, good friends, never to be apart friends.”
“You already are Kieran. I will never forget you.”
Removing his hold he takes my hand into his and lifts it up to his lips to kiss the back of it.
“You are an amazingly strong woman, you know that?”
“You keep telling me so.”
“Yes I do and I will keep telling you until it sinks in. Come on let me take you to a little cafe I might know?” Kieran swings our entwined hands between us, looking very pleased with himself all of a sudden.
“This little place wouldn’t belong to you would it? You’re not showing off to me are you?”
“Who me? Not at all, I don’t think I have to show off to you. But yes it is one of mine. Well it was mine. I took it
over when the owner was in a bit of financial trouble. Built the reputation back up and now it is a thriving business. I handed it back to him only last week.”
“You did all that for him?”
“Of course, he is like family. I always look after those close to my heart.”
“Has anyone told you lately what an amazing person you are?”
“Are you telling me that now or just asking?”
“Oh I am telling, you’re pretty cool, I’m very glad to have you as my friend.”
Kieran squeezes my hand as his cheeks glow a little. Making our way through the influx of people walking up the steps as we go against them to reach the bottom.
“Is there something going on for there to be so many people?” I ask him as we dodge around a few more.
“Don’t think so, but I bet that bus at the bottom has something to do with it.”
He is right; the large white coach is positioned at the base of the steps. Some of the tourists are still filing out as we reach it. The woman I met on the day Sarah, Abigail and I visited the volcanoes, starts to leave the bus next. Kieran reaches her first and letting go of my hand, helps her down the final few steps. Recognising me she looks up at Kieran and then back to where I am waiting. As she passes me she stops, places her hand on my forearm and comes closer to whisper.
“I see the pebble was good to you my dear. I am very pleased. Would you mind if I have it back, I think the woman on the coach is in need of some good fortune?”
Looking at her a little blankly I take out the smooth stone from my pocket where I put it after Kieran gave it to me just a short time ago.
“I’m not sure what you mean about it being good for me. It certainly has been a hectic few days.”
“The young man there, you are with him aren’t you?”
I look over to Kieran who is watching the exchange with curiosity.
“He is a friend, yes.”
“He has the eyes of a lover my dear, hold him close.” Putting her hand out, I drop the pebble into it. I don’t know why I am doing what she has asked. I don’t think I am ready to hand it back, and yet still I do. Opening her bag she puts the small stone in and zips it up, patting me on the arm as she leaves. I watch her walk away before joining Kieran by the bus.
Before You Leave: A Romance Novel Page 17
