by Sienna Mynx
“Okay,” Zephyr said. She rubbed Raven’s legs. “Asia didn’t sleep with Alex? You know this how? I’m confused, sweetie, if this is true it’s not the end, it’s good news right?”
“He’s gone, I lost him, I did it. Asia was right, I was happy when I caught him cheating. I wanted to blame him, to punish him for Walter. I wanted to make him guilty. I lost my marriage and blamed him and it was me. I feel sick to my stomach.”
“Raven, calm down.” Zephyr put her arm around her. “You and Alexander aren’t over. He still loves you.”
“I saw him tonight. He was laughing and smiling with some other woman. A blonde. What’s with him and blondes? His ex before me was blonder than Barbie. I don’t look anything like them! Is that what he really wants? Bet he’ll never date another uptight, controlling, black woman again.” She stood.
Zephyr sat there confused.
“Oh and get this, Margene is the other woman true enough, but she’s married to my father, and sharing her him with the woman she stole my father from!”
“Slow down—” Zephyr pleaded.
“Here I am, hating Walter, and Margene was the one that did to his wife what Asia did to me. But Asia didn’t do it to me because they didn’t sleep together, so the only fool is me. Me! For thinking that I’m the one that’s sane when I’m crazy as fucking hell!”
“Raven? I can’t keep up.”
“I want my husband back damn it!” Raven shouted. “He’s mine!”
“Okay. Fine, we’ll get him back. We will.”
Raven looked at her and smiled. “We will won’t we?”
“Yes.” Zephyr smiled. “Alexander doesn’t stand a chance, and whoever that woman was she doesn’t have a shot in hell.”
Raven hugged her. “What should I do first?”
“Therapy.” Zephyr announced.
Raven frowned. “Huh? Don’t need it.”
“That’s how you get your life back, Alexander back, happiness back. Start therapy. Finish it.”
“All I have to do is call Alexander and tell him I want him, and he’s there. That’s how I get him back!” Raven said.
“Then why haven’t you?” asked Zephyr.
“Because?”
“Rae, you know the answer. After everything you’ve done to push him away, you can’t just snap your fingers and say ‘oh my bad’.” Zephyr snapped her fingers. “You’ve got some pain in you that you have to deal with. You need to do that first. It’s not fair to bring Alexander back into your life if you can’t give him a hundred percent. Right?”
“We never had a problem until Asia—” Raven stopped. She looked up sadly. “It is me isn’t it? I’m my own worst enemy, aren’t I?”
“Girl, aren’t we all? You want to return to him whole so you can give him something special. Right? The new and improved you.”
Raven nodded. “I do.”
“Then finish therapy. And Alexander will be there––trust me it ain’t that hard, the man is crazy about you.”
Raven smiled. “He does love me doesn’t he?”
“Oh don’t gloat, it’s tacky.” Zephyr laughed. She stood and hugged Raven.
“Let me tell you about that bitch Asia, she had the nerve to step to me in the bathroom—”
“Oh no she didn’t!”
Two Weeks Later –
Raven crossed her legs. She looked over at the therapist. The damn woman kept writing. “Why is it you’re writing and I haven’t spoken yet? It’s very distracting,” Raven said.
The doctor lowered her pen. “I apologize, Ms. Katz.”
“Mrs.” Raven corrected her.
“Okay. Let’s start with you telling me what has happened since we last met.”
“I discovered my mother is a home-wrecker, that I’m a fool, and that my husband never cheated on me.” Raven said.
“You seem to like the role of victim.” The therapist noted.
“Excuse me? Victim?” Raven snapped.
“Since we started these sessions you’ve talked about betrayals of other people, and how it ruined your life. It’s your mother and father, or your husband’s infidelity, the woman who tricked you into believing she slept with him. It’s everyone but you.”
“My mother broke up a man’s marriage and then married him. And there was a woman that set out to destroy my marriage the same way. Hell she used insecurities I didn’t know I had to do it! She ruined my life.”
“How is it possible that you are able to run a multi-million dollar company but not your own life? How can this woman you refer to as a racial slur—”
“Racial what?”
“Slur, her name isn’t Asia. You call her that because she’s Asian. What if some woman called you Blackie?” The therapist who was Asian asked.
Raven rolled her eyes.
“How could this woman know more about you than you know about yourself? And why are your mother’s mistakes yours to own instead of hers?”
“I’m paying you to figure that out,” Raven tossed back.
The doctor shook her head. “You’re paying me to help you figure it out.”
“I don’t understand what you want from me. These things happened beyond my control.”
The doctor sighed. “I give my patients three sessions before we introduce the rules. But you’re a smart woman, Raven. I think you’re diverting the issues on purpose. So we’re going to speed things up.”
“Okay,” Raven agreed.
“I only have three rules. First, that you’re honest with yourself. It’s not me that you’re facing in here; it’s you. And second that you only bring you in that door. Not this woman you call Asia, not your mother and father, or your ex-husband. If you discuss them it’s in context to your role in their lives, not the reverse. And of course the third rule I have to say by law. If you have the urge to hurt yourself or someone else you must tell me.”
Raven scoffed.
The therapist continued. “At some point you are going to have to deal with what makes Raven happy. And the failures or disappointments of others won’t get us there.”
Raven nodded. “Fine. Let’s do it. And the sooner the better because I now have something to work for.” She touched her belly and smiled at the secret she discovered that morning. “Something so special.”
Chapter Ten
Happy Birthday Raven
Two Weeks Later –
“You’ve done nothing but pace for the past ten minutes.”
Raven stopped. She looked over and smiled at her doctor. “I’m sorry. Guess it’s nervous energy, or hormones. Maybe both,” she said smoothing down the front of her sundress. Her eyes dropped to the invisible bump she imagined would soon appear. “Your body goes through so much when you’re pregnant.”
“This pregnancy means a lot to you?” the therapist asked.
Raven turned to the window and stared out at the city. The Metrorail glided across the elevated tracks, carrying a mix of locals and tourists into the heart of Miami. Below, the avenue was congested with young people piled in convertibles, flashing cameras and taking video shots of others on the sidewalk. This city used to be such a huge part of her, hell her business flourished under the trendy scene. But now it felt different. She longed for something different. Possibly the beauty Alex showed her in Israel. Or maybe they could stay in Australia. Wherever he wanted to go she’d go without question.
“Raven?”
“I’m sorry, doctor, did you say something?” Raven looked back over her shoulder. Zephyr colored her hair a dark chestnut brown with golden highlights in the front. She thought a change in look would do her some good, since she felt so different lately.
“I asked you if this pregnancy means a lot,” the doctor repeated.
“Pregnancy? No it’s not the pregnancy. It’s the baby. His baby. Our baby. This baby means the world to me.”
“Let’s talk about him,” the doctor said.
“I thought you said he and the others were off limits?” Raven sat and crossed
her legs. She kicked her foot lazily.
“It’s been two weeks and you’re doing pretty well. Have you heard from him?”
“No,” she said sadly. “He called once to check in on me, but he was in between flights. He gave me a run down on all the things the attorneys were handling. Nothing personal.”
“That disappoints you?”
“It hurts. I can’t blame him. I put him through a lot. I’ve judged him so unfairly, like everyone else in my life. My father, my mother, my friends, I’ve pretty much sat in judgment of them all. It’s a wonder I have any friends left.”
“You have high standards,” the doctor said.
Raven laughed. “Thank you for being kind, but I’m a bitch. As Kim so eloquently pointed out in that bathroom, I’m a mean bitch. I can at least admit that much.”
The doctor smiled.
Raven exhaled. “Did you know that today is my birthday?”
“No, I didn’t. Happy Birthday.”
“Thanks. Even after the divorce I got a call last year from Alexander to wish me happy birthday, this morning I was sure he’d call. He didn’t.”
Raven smoothed over her skirt, and uncrossed then re-crossed her legs. “Maybe he’ll call tonight?”
“Maybe.” The doctor nodded in agreement.
“In spite of everything Alexander really did love me when we were together. Ironically now that I can finally reciprocate it, it may be too late. Even when I tell him the truth he may be unable to truly trust himself with me. I just wish—” There was a long pause, and Raven again looked to the window.
“Finish please.”
“I wish I had started these sessions a year ago when everyone begged me to.” She gave a nervous chuckle.
“Raven, finish your thought.”
“I wish I had given him forgiveness before Asia, ah Kim told me the truth. Now it just puts into question my motives. I don’t know how to fix that. How to explain it to him so he understands that I would want him either way. That’s why I never moved on because I could never let him go.”
“And this is why you haven’t told him about Kim? About the baby?”
Raven nodded. “Yep. I get one chance at this and I don’t want to screw it up. Let’s be honest, if I had come to this understanding without the evidence that there was no infidelity, it would appear more genuine.”
“I’m not sure that is true, Raven. It’s only genuine if you mean it, how things appear is irrelevant. You’re working on getting past the surface and accepting people for who they are, it’s okay to expect the same from them.”
“You saying that being honest can undo what I put him through?”
The doctor smiled. “I’m saying that being honest with yourself will only help you to be honest with him, and in the end that’s what you want if you want to start again.”
Raven touched her belly. “Starting again, I just love the way that sounds.”
**
Raven reached in her purse. It sat open on the passenger seat. She pulled out her iPhone as she drove out of the parking deck and turned it on. She anticipated numerous missed calls. The doctor didn’t allow cell phones in their sessions. When she checked she only found one missed call from her mom. Frowning she dialed Zephyr first. She wheeled out into traffic, and listened to the rings as they echoed through her car system.
Hi you’ve reached Zee, if this is about an appointment please call my answering service at 305-555-3994. If not just leave me a message and I’ll return your call shortly. Have a great day… Beep!
“Zee, I’m getting a little worried. You haven’t called me all day. I mean, well, it’s my birthday. It’s okay if you forgot. Well actually it’s not okay. I’ll forgive you quickly if you call me back! I was hoping we could do a movie or something, maybe dinner? I don’t know. If you’re busy I understand. Well, anyways, call me okay. Love you.”
Raven sighed. She dialed Valentina next. “Hey!”
“Hi, Rae, look I really can’t talk I’m um…I’m in the middle of something with Matt.” Valentina said.
“Well I only wanted—”
“I’ll call you back I promise!”
“Wait?”
“Bye. Love you!”
The line clicked off. Raven blinked several times in disappointment. A car horn blew behind her, and she looked up to see the traffic light had turned green. Trying not to take it personal she made the turn and decided to head home. When the phone beeped her heart surged. She answered without even checking.
“Happy birthday,” a voice came over sultry and deep.
“Kevin?” she smiled.
“You were expecting someone else?” Kevin chuckled.
“No, not really. You remembered.”
“I wouldn’t forget, you know that,” he said.
“Well lately you’ve been kind of distant. You haven’t been returning my calls. That hurt.”
He went silent. Raven drove with one hand.
“Kevin?” she said.
“Sorry. We’ve been dealing with the lawyers and keeping the agents in check.”
“You’ve been avoiding me. I’m sorry if I hurt you, but you’re my friend, you were my friend first. I hope that we can continue to be friends. Work together I mean,” she said.
“I did pout over your rejection. And that wasn’t fair. I had hopes I shouldn’t have.”
“Well it’s my fault too, I’ve been pretty needy and I’ve taken advantage of your feelings. I do care about you. I always have.”
“Enough!” Kevin laughed. “I didn’t call to grovel or fish for apologies, though I can do that later if you want.”
Raven laughed.
“I called to find out what plans the birthday girl has made?” he asked.
Raven wheeled her fancy car into her assigned spot. She parked but kept it idling. “Well I don’t have any plans so I’m free.”
“How about dinner at the Pink Pelican?” he asked.
“Wow, you got reservations? I’m impressed!”
“I’m the man, or have you forgotten?” Kevin asked.
“I haven’t. It sounds great. Let’s do it.” She pressed the button on her dash to bring up the convertible top. She could see the wide grin on her face in the rearview mirror. It would be great to have dinner with him and listen to live jazz. Besides, a mellow birthday might cure her of the need to call Alexander.
“I’ll pick you up at seven. Be beautiful, it’s your special day.”
“Thanks, Kevin, for everything,” Raven said.
“I can’t think of a better way to spend the night. See you soon.”
“Bye!”
Raven sucked in a deep breath. She savored the contentment. She feared things with Kevin would never be the same. Now she had hope that they could remain friends. She grabbed her purse and got out of her car with something sweet to look forward to.
**
Raven was only a few weeks pregnant but in her mind nothing looked appropriate. She remembered how she gained a pound each day when she was pregnant before. She couldn’t wait to wear her cute maternity clothes. It was true. People treated you differently when you were swollen with child. Even Alexander behaved like she was carrying precious cargo. Every door was opened for her. Every chair pulled out.
Shaking off her nostalgia, she looked around once more. Time was short and she needed to make a decision. Raven ran her fingers over the hanging dresses. They stopped on a raspberry-colored, strapless beauty. The imported silken fabric gathered mostly in the front, securing the bust, and falling loosely beneath, stopping mid-thigh. Though she hadn’t even a little bulge, the dress would indicate that she could. She liked that. She wanted to look as she felt, pregnant.
“Damn where are my shoes?” she groaned.
She figured it would be another thirty minutes before she found the shoes. Going to her knees she carefully removed the stacked shoeboxes. At the back of the closet she spotted her sealed hatbox of memories. Raven sat on the floor. She pulled out the hatbox, ha
ving forgotten it was there. She lifted the circular lid and smiled. In it were all the pictures she took of them during their marriage. She could never bring herself to throw any of them away. Just like his shirt hanging above. So she sat there and pulled them out one by one. Their wedding picture with him in his tux and kippah. Raven laughed and sighed through her memories. And then she reached for a long forgotten scrapbook.
The cover read: And Baby Makes Three.
“I thought I threw this away?” Raven mumbled.
She remembered how she cried, screamed, and shook with fury through the night after she discovered Alexander’s affair. How she tore through the baby’s room in a fit of rage. Zephyr and Valentina were at her side. The next morning she found her friends cleaning up after her, and Zephyr asked what she wanted her to do with the book. Raven threw it in the trash. But here it was.
“Zee, you sly little devil, you,” she said softly. She rubbed her fingers over the lettering. “You must have snuck it out and put it in the box. How the hell do you know me better than I know myself?” she sniffed.
Raven opened the book. It had the first ultrasound picture of the baby taped inside, and pictures of them chronicling every change she experienced during that pregnancy. She flipped through the scrapbook and took inventory of her life. Suddenly she realized it hurt. Not in the same way. There were still her memories and it was still her baby, gone or not, that brought some comfort.
Then the last photo stopped her heart.
“Look!” she said plopping down on him, forcing him back in his office chair.
“What’s this?” he asked. He removed his gold-framed spectacles. He took the camera and examined the picture she snapped of her bare belly.
“You taking some more nude shots for me?” he smiled.
“No, silly. It’s so you won’t miss anything while you’re gone. I swear I’m gaining a pound every single day.”
Alexander smiled. “I won’t be gone longer than a week, Rae.”
“I just got a bad feeling. I mean leaving me now is bad luck, Alexander. Can’t you reschedule? Never mind. I’m sorry. I’m being silly. I just wish you didn’t have to go.”
