by Rinyu, Beth
“Seven weeks,” I said, still in a daze.
Dr. Ember looked at me, surprised. “Are you certain of that, Kat?”
“Yes,” I answered with sadness in my voice, remembering one of the best nights followed by the best morning of my life.
He explained that it was routine to run a pregnancy test on all female patients who are scheduled to have these types of shots, just to make sure that there is no chance of pregnancy before they administer them. He finished fumbling through the rest of the test results as I sat there silently. I was too shocked to say anything. “All of your tests are fine. I am not going to give you the shots today due to the circumstances. Since everything came back normal there is really no need for them anyway, it’s just a precaution.”
I was still speechless just staring off into space feeling like this was a dream that I would wake up from.
He looked at me compassionately. “Kat, I know you are under a tremendous amount of stress with your dad’s passing. I know how close the two of you were, but please take care of yourself and this baby. You know he would want the same if he were here right now.” He put his arm around me and walked me out the door.
I headed out of the office, almost running through the waiting room. I couldn’t get into the parking lot quickly enough. My head was spinning. I sat in the car trying to stop myself from shaking. I had no clue what I was going to do. I imagined the look on Julian’s face if I were to call him now and tell him this. This was the whole reason I had been tormenting myself for the past seven weeks by not talking to him, because he didn’t want to have children. How in the world was I going to tell him that he now had no choice in the matter?
I heard his words so clearly in my head as if he were sitting in the seat right next to me. “I know that I want to be with you, but kids, no matter how far off in the distance, is just something I am really unsure about.” If he wasn’t sure about having them in the far off distance he sure as heck wouldn’t be able to handle it happening now. I wanted to tell him more than anything. Knowing the type of guy he was he would have rushed back just to do the right thing, and end up hating me for it or worse yet, resent this baby, which was the last thing that I wanted. I didn’t want him to feel as if I trapped him into something. I wanted him to want to be with me and our baby. I looked down at my belly that was showing no signs of pregnancy. A wave of emotions hit me as I instinctively rubbed my stomach and thought that this was a part of Julian that I would have forever. He had given me part of my dream, which included falling in love and having a baby with that person. There was no doubt in my mind that I had fallen in love with him completely and now I was going to have his baby. The only thing missing would be him. I grabbed my cell phone from my purse, finding his name in my list of contacts. Instead of hitting the call button I instinctively hit the delete button, removing him from my phone and my life forever.
Chapter 19
I looked down, rubbing my belly that was fully popped. Being eight-and-a-half month’s pregnant and still working full-time was now taking its toll on me.
I knew that I had nothing to complain about, I had a very smooth pregnancy, not even really beginning to show until a month ago, and of course I knew it would get a little harder toward the end. I happened to be one of those rare people who loved being pregnant, but now I was at the point where I just wanted to get it over with. It was now the very end of August and my due date was mid-September. I found that I was beginning to nest. I was up until late at night cleaning with an exuberant amount of energy. I wondered if that was a sign that this baby would be coming soon.
Claire and Tricia had become my devout caretakers, catering to my every whim whether I wanted them to or not. At least one of them had gone to every doctor’s appointment with me. They nearly beat down the ultrasound tech to find out the sex of the baby, which, not to my surprise, was a boy. I could tell that Tricia had been a little disappointed at first, since she had already bought some dresses that she couldn’t resist while shopping. I told her to wait but she had insisted. She quickly recovered seeing the little outline of the baby on the monitor. Afterwards she went on another shopping spree, learning that shopping for a baby boy was just as fun. Claire was just happy over the thought of a baby, regardless of the sex. My baby would not miss out on the great joy of having grandparents as long as she and Charles were around. I also didn’t care either way, but all along something was telling me it was a boy. I remembered the day of that first ultrasound so clearly. It was so emotional to see my baby moving around, making out different parts of his body, seeing his heartbeat; I wondered how you couldn’t believe in miracles after seeing that.
Tricia was to be my Lamaze coach, attending classes with me. I wasn’t quite sure how much we had gotten out of it. We behaved more like Ethel and Lucy during the classes. A few times I had felt like I was going to give birth right then and there from laughing so hard. I was happy once again; this baby growing inside made me feel complete. Every kick, turn, and flutter he made let me know that I wasn’t alone.
My dad’s old bedroom had been transformed into the nursery. It had been meticulously decorated into a nautical theme done in shades of navy blue and red with a beautiful mural of a sailboat on one of the walls; all done by Claire. I would find myself coming into this room more often just sitting in the rocking chair and thinking. It somehow made me feel like I was closer to my dad being there in his bedroom. I had been thinking about him often these days and wished he could be here to meet his grandson. I knew that he would have been angry at first with his old fashioned way of thinking. Getting pregnant out of wedlock was just something that should never happen according to him. But I also knew that once he had gotten over it he would have been overjoyed.
I had come so far from that day at Dr. Ember’s office, never turning back or second-guessing my decision. It really helped to have the support of everyone around me. Charles and Claire both understood why I had to make the choice that I did and never once tried to persuade me to do anything else. Tricia was a little hesitant at accepting it, she was a romantic at heart and thought things would work out if I had let them. She quickly grew to respect my decision seeing how adamant I was about my choice. Even James, who I thought would be a problem, was supportive. I wasn’t sure if he had kept in touch with Julian and I didn’t want to know either. I knew that he thought it was the wrong thing to do, but he assured me that he would never say anything if that wasn’t what I wanted. I sat in the rocking chair, closing my eyes. My world was finally calming down. I would soon be a working single mom with a newborn baby, who would be keeping me up half the night. I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t nervous; instead I was overjoyed to take on this new role. It was what I wanted more than anything now.
I smiled as I felt a kick, which were few and far between now that he was getting bigger and running out of room to move around. I heard the front door open. It was Charles and Claire, they had brought dinner over. Charles immediately went into the living room settling into his favorite chair to watch the baseball game. Claire came in finding me in the baby’s room.
“Oh Kat, you can’t continue this any longer, you look worn out,” she said sympathetically.
“Two more weeks,” I said, trying to hoist myself from the chair. I had planned on taking off three months after the baby was born. Claire had graciously agreed to babysit for me once I went back to work. This put my mind at ease knowing he would be well cared for by someone who loved him.
I followed her out to the kitchen, smelling her homemade lasagna all the way down the hallway.
“Claire, you know I do have plates,” I said, laughing at the paper plates that she brought over already set on the table.
“Well, that way we don’t have to wash dishes,” she said. I laughed to myself - she always thought of everything.
I had a huge plateful and was feeling like I had eaten way too much. Even when I wasn’t pregnant I could never resist her lasagna. I went to get up and felt a huge kick.
“I th
ink he likes your cooking too,” I said to Claire as she jumped up from the seat, putting her hand on my belly trying to feel him move.
I started to gather the silverware off the paper plates to load into the dishwasher when I began to feel a light trickle that turned into a huge gush of water. Claire had just walked into the living room to tell Charles to turn down the TV. I stood still, trying to stay calm, as I called her back into the kitchen.
She was still rambling on about Charles having the volume on the TV turned up so high and how she was going to get him a hearing aid when she walked in. She stopped herself midsentence seeing the look on my face and the puddle that surrounded me. She screamed for Charles, who immediately got up to see what was the matter.
Ironically it was I who was trying to keep the two of them calm the whole way to the hospital. I knew that I still had quite a while to go. My contractions were too far apart, so I didn’t get myself in a panic.
I settled into my room while the nurse came in and hooked up my IV. Claire was still nervous, not knowing what to expect. I kept reassuring her that I was fine. Charles had finally gotten a hold of Tricia, who I believed was on a date with James, even though she denied it. I still apologized to her for interrupting. She began to laugh knowing that I had figured her out.
“Don’t be silly, I would much rather be here with you meeting my new nephew,” she said, trying to brush off her feelings once again for James.
“Are you scared?” Tricia asked.
“Nope,” I answered without hesitation.
She smiled as she grabbed my hand. “I’m so proud of you, doing this all by yourself. I don’t think I would have been brave enough,” she admitted.
“You would be surprised what you are able to do when you’re faced with it,” I said.
I felt like I was getting sleepy as I tried very hard to keep my eyes open responding to Tricia, knowing that I was making absolutely no sense at all. I fell asleep and began to dream. In my dream I had already had the baby and Julian was there, right beside me. He was so happy, we were a family. I was so overjoyed that I must have had a smile on my face when the nurse woke me up coming in to check on my IV. It had seemed so real that I felt a flash of sadness as I looked down still seeing my big belly.
“How are you feeling, honey?” The older gray-haired nurse that had been checking my IV asked as she walked closer to my bed.
“Are you in a little more pain?” she asked, reading the expression on my face before I could get the words out. I nodded, still feeling very groggy. “The doctor is here now, she will be coming in shortly to check on you,” she said, handing me a cup of ice chips as if she sensed my extreme thirst.
I temporarily forgot about the pain hearing Tricia and Claire coming loudly down the hall. “Sleepy head is up,” Tricia said as she entered the room.
Claire sat down on the bed next to me, rubbing my back as the pain was starting to become worse. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw my doctor enter the room. Dr. Hartford was an older woman, very close to retirement. She would joke at my appointments at how I made her feel very old. She was my mom’s doctor and had delivered me and now here she was delivering my baby. She examined me quickly and told me that I was ready to go.
For the first time during this pregnancy I was becoming a little apprehensive not knowing what to expect as the contractions became unbearable. I looked to see Tricia and Claire standing on each side of me and began to calm down a bit. I knew that Charles was probably not far away either. Every living person that I cared most about was here, with the exception of one. The strong desire to push immediately erased that thought from my mind as I bore down, pushing as hard as I could. I listened to Dr. Hartford telling me just one more. I closed my eyes and with one more push, Matthew “Matty” Anthony Vallia came into this world. I waited patiently for him to be cleaned up and given to me. Listening to him cry was music to my ears. The nurse handed him to me, swaddled up in a blanket with a little blue cap on. He immediately stopped crying when she placed him in my arms as he wrapped his tiny little fingers around my finger. I knew that there was no one on earth that I loved more than this little human being that I had just met only a few seconds ago. I couldn’t stop kissing him or looking at him. He was just perfect in every way as he opened his eyes wider, revealing the brightest shade of blue that I recognized immediately – I was looking into Julian’s eyes.
Chapter 20
August 2010
“Make a wish, Matty,” I said as he blew out the candles on his birthday cake.
I smiled as he took a deep breath and made sure that he got every single one out in one shot.
I had a hard time believing that he was actually five-years-old today. Time was going by much too fast and as exhausting as those diaper and bottle days were, I rather missed having a baby around. I didn’t want to miss out on anything so I tried to savor each and every minute of his childhood. He seemed to be more mature than most kids his age and never lacked in the popularity department, having a different play date or attending a birthday party every weekend. I could tell that he was destined to be a leader just by the way other kids had looked up to him at such an early age. He had a very caring sensitive side that I had hoped he would take with him into adulthood.
I watched as he ran around and played soccer with the other boys at the party, many of whom were patients of mine. He made sure that he was giving all of his guests’ equal attention. I smiled when I saw a little girl run up to him and hug him innocently. I knew that in the years to come he would be beating the girls off with a stick. He was Julian’s clone in every way, with the same jet black hair and the way he carried himself with confidence. He only had one dimple compared to Julian’s two, but the thing that was undeniable was his eyes. I had never seen eyes the color of Julian’s before I met him. I didn’t think that eyes that striking could ever exist on someone else, until Matty came along. This made Julian very hard to forget —I saw him every time I looked at Matty.
I had forgotten him the best that I could, and realized that I must not have really meant that much to him as I never heard from him again. I was willing to reroute my whole life for him before I found out I was pregnant. Even though I knew he had just obeyed my wishes, I was still a little angry that he did. I felt a little twinge of jealousy when James had returned from a conference in Chicago several years ago and ran into him. Being James and not having a filter on anything that came out of his mouth, he couldn’t wait to tell Tricia and me all about Julian’s bachelor lifestyle. I cringed hearing how on both nights that he saw him he had a different “hot chick” on his arm. Tricia sensed my uneasiness with the topic and tried making a joke by saying it sounded more like a different “booty call.” I laughed even though it hurt to hear it. I knew that what we once had was ancient history. I had been trying to move on with my life the best that I could with working full-time and raising a young child. I had gone out on several dates with different guys, all of whom were nice, but the longest relationship I had since Matty was born lasted for about three months. Even though I knew it would be nice to meet someone and settle down, it just wasn’t at the top of my priorities. I rather liked the idea of going out to dinner and a movie with someone and afterwards have them go home to their house and I to mine.
Tricia was on me to go out on a date with Dr. Patrick McGinn, one of the doctors in James’ practice. He was a really nice guy and great with Matty. We spent a lot of time together over the summer going to the beach, but it was always with James, Tricia and Matty coming along as well. I had never been on an official one on one date with him. The extent of our relationship was phone calls and emails. I talked to him at least once a week and found that he could always make me laugh. Every time we planned on getting together for a drink, something would always come up on either end. The problem was that I viewed him as a friend; I just didn’t feel that same spark that I had with Julian. I would probably never feel that again with anyone, but I remained hopeful. I knew that part of it
was that I just wasn’t ready to let anyone else into mine or Matty’s world just yet. Matty surely wasn’t lacking in the father figure department; Charles, who he referred to as “Pop,” was always around. Charles had decided to retire a year after Matty was born so he could spend more time with him. They were inseparable; he loved teaching Matty how to fish, taking him to baseball games and even golfing, which, to my surprise, Matty loved. I was happy knowing that he was the same type of grandfather to him that my dad would have been.
Another surprisingly important male figure was James. He had been coming around a lot more since he and Tricia had become exclusive and now engaged. He and Matty were like best buds and I sometimes wondered if it was because they were at the same level of maturity.
Claire and Tricia had been my rock since Matty was born. Claire was the perfect grandma and Tricia the perfect aunt. I realized over these past five years that family is not all about blood. Family is who is there for you the most, and this group of people in my life had proven that they would be there time and time again.
The last of Matty’s guests were leaving as we walked them to the door. Matty ran back to the couch, sitting in between Charles and James looking like he was coming down from a sugar high. Claire and I were wrapping up the leftover food and cleaning up as Tricia sat at the kitchen table fumbling through bridal magazines.
“Don’t you think you should set a date first?” I teased. They had been engaged for a year now with no sign of a wedding date. She said that she wanted to take things slowly. I teased her that if she took it any slower she would be moving backwards. I knew that she loved James and did want to marry him, but she was so set in her ways. She loved that she still had her own place and he had his and she was afraid of making that change. I fully understood where she was coming from but I loved to tease her every now and then about it.
