Cigarettes and Alcohol: Confessions of a Stag Weekend

by Sloan, Phil

  As a hangover avoidance system I will have to give this ‘Hair of the Dog’ method a D-grade.

  I mean when do you stop topping up the booze? Five years later when you are sitting in a shop doorway in a urine sodden pair of pants drinking ultra-strength cider at ten o clock in the morning? It seems a rocky road to becoming an alcoholic to me, which I am not.

  Well maybe I could be a borderline case.

  2] Physical Exercise:

  Some deluded hung over souls choose to voluntarily go out for a run, take their push bike out for a spin or go to the gym on the morning after. As these pursuits are all fucking dumb things to do when you are sober we will discount these straight away as a cure. Grade F

  3] Skive off Work and Sleep:

  If you’ve been on a massive bender all weekend and just can’t face the Monday morning blues at work this is a corker. Call in sick claiming to have dodgy guts, a family crisis, real man flu, an in-growing eyelash or whatever gets you off the hook and go back to bed.

  Then indulge in a crafty HW (Hangover Wank) to get rid of all those nasty toxins. You will certainly feel better for a few minutes before you drift off back to sleep. Just don’t forget to hide your ‘wanky hanky’ or used tissues before you doze off.

  Morning sex is also a great destroyer of hangovers, although there are not many women who will let you paw them up and then have full ‘rumpy pumpy’ while your breath stinks of second hand lager, mouldy kebab with onions, half a curry and a portion of large chips smothered with burger sauce.

  Even if you don’t get a leg over I’d still give this ‘cure’ an A-grade not because it will sort your head out but it does mean an extra day off from the drudgery of employment which is obviously top! If you do jib off work and manage to wangle some ‘beard and langers’ whilst under the curse of a full monty hangover give yourself an A+ grade. I can teach you no more my young apprentice.

  4] Non-Alcoholic Drinks….Yes they do exist!

  In this category The Bloody Mary comes out top of the chart. The tomato and lemon juices give you back all those important vitamins that your drinking has depleted. Quite what the Worcestershire and Tabasco sauces do is a mystery but the overall package seems to work. Best leave out the vodka though or you are back at Point 1 above and again end up avoiding the inevitable. I’d also leave out the celery as it tastes bloody horrible going down and repeats on you all sodding day. I don’t care what the food experts preach; any salad item found on your average restaurant ‘all you can eat Salad Cart’ is no good for you, apart from the bacon bits.

  (By the way the name Bloody Mary is meant to have come from Queen Mary I the persecutor of those of The Protestant Faith. She had a pretty novel hangover cure for believers in this religion she lopped their heads off with a whacking great axe. Bit extreme and certainly not legal today according to The High Court Judge who drinks in the local.)

  We move on to the magical hangover smashing qualities of pure orange juice. My favourite cure of all time is two paracetamol washed down with O.J. The jolt of vitamin C added to the pain reliever sorts you right out…..most of the time.

  Someone I used to work with swore by drinking ‘a pint of Thames’. This was a half pint of OJ and a half of cola mixed together. I guess it was called a Thames as it would end up looking the same grey/brown colour as the river and would probably taste just as bad, although hopefully it wouldn’t have the used jimmy hats, eels or dead bodies of East End gangsters floating in it.

  I was going to try a pint of this purely for research purposes while writing this book but to be honest I could not be arsed. Try it yourself you lazy hung over twat.

  In Poland, apparently they down shots of pickle juice in the morning to recover from the ill effects of the ‘one too many’. Personally I would rather suffer the throbbing head.

  Diarrhoea medicine also came highly recommended by the internet to put you back on the road to Wellsville. It would restock all those lost minerals and help to rehydrate your well knackered body in addition to stopping you shitting like a race horse all day after consuming that late night burger that was made up entirely of rotten animal guts with churned up eyelids and arseholes.

  Overall Grade B+

  5] The Frankly Bizarre:

  Somewhere in mainland Europe that I won’t name as this idea of a cure is just so blatantly dumb I would not want to embarrass the country in question…OK it’s France. Here they would bury the ailing person up to their neck in moist riverbank sand to help them recover from their night on the tiles.

  Two words…Incoming Tide.

  The garlic quaffing snail eaters really hadn’t thought this through had they? Mind you it was a great way of losing some of the more shall we say, ‘intellectually challenged’ members of their society. Quite frankly as a cure this really bites the big one. Grade U

  Acknowledgments

  A massive shout out to my brother Dan and brother-in-law Tony as they encouraged me to start writing this book and they have helped me all the way through the writing process. Also my team of crack copy checkers, Rod, Tanya and Mum (sorry if some of it was a bit over the top for you Mama. I Love You). Also Cheers to Tony S for putting me in touch with the lovely people at Endeavour Press particularly Amy, Matthew and Richard.

  Also got to pay maximum respect to all the following lads listed in alphabetical order as you are all crazy dudes:

  Andy, Chas, Dad, Dubstar Steve, Ersoy, James, John, Kev, Mags, Mark B, Mark D, Mark G, Martin, Mike M, Mike R, Nick, Party Boy Brian, Paul A, Paul N, Pete, Richard B, Richard W, Robbo, Ron, Seanie R [give it 20K man on the one and two’s!] Uncle Vermin & all the other stag boys from ‘back in the day.’ Also love to my Sis, Abi and Joe.

  As for The Village Idiot, the man who still does not know his alcohol limit and is the ‘booze muse’ or ‘idiotic on narcotic’ star of this book I will take the secret of his true identity to the grave with me. You’ll never get it out of me.

  But Village, you know who you are, you ‘one foot bigger than the other’ crazy mo’ fo’.

  Peace Out!

  Phil Sloan

  If you enjoyed reading Cigarettes and Alcohol by Phil Sloan you might be interested in The Instant Best Man’s Speech by Michael Davenport.

  Extract from The Instant Best Man’s Speech by Michael Davenport

  Introduction

  Whether you’ve downloaded this guide in plenty of time to rehearse your speech for the big day or, as is customary, have left it until a week, day or hours before the wedding - please don’t panic!

  Public speaking can seem daunting but it’s worth remembering that delivering a speech at a wedding is one of the easiest addresses you’ll ever have to give.

  Unlike corporate presentations or trying to amuse dignitaries at an exclusive dinner, a wedding is an event where everyone present will be on your side. Nobody gets paid to speak at weddings (even though you may currently be feeling that you should) so everyone present will appreciate you getting up and overcoming the nerves that every best man experiences.

  This isn’t like trying out new material at a comedy club to a hostile and paying audience. Everyone will want to laugh and support you.

  Remember, there’s no pressure for you to ensure a return booking! Unless you’re an exceptionally popular guy this is something you’ll only have to do once or twice in your lifetime so the key thing is to simply enjoy it. If you do, so will everyone else.

  Best Man’s Duties

  As well as giving a speech being a best man can encompass a number of duties. You can find out in advance exactly what is expected of you prior to the big date (attending wedding rehearsal, stag night planning etc) but duties on the actual day may include the following:

  At Church/Wedding Venue

  Before Service

  Ensuring groom gets there dressed and ready on time (at least 30 mins before).

  Organising ushers, issuing buttonholes, order of service sheets and rings.

  Collating cards, telegrams, text mess
ages and emails to be read at reception.

  Sitting on the right hand with the groom.

  Holding rings until they are asked for during service.

  After Service

  Witness the signing of the register, if necessary.

  Confirm all fees are paid to the church or registrar.

  Escort the chief bridesmaid out of the church.

  Assist photographer in posing guests for photographs.

  Making sure everyone has appropriate transport to reception venue.

  At Reception

  Join receiving line to greet guests arriving.

  If there is no toastmaster you may be expected to announce speeches.

  Read out cards, telegrams, emails and text messages.

  Give the third and final speech and thank the bridesmaids.

  Announce the cutting of the cake whenever they have decided to do this.

  Dance with the chief bridesmaid after the bride and groom have finished their first dance as a married couple.

  Ensure the wedding car is decorated and has the bride and groom’s luggage on board ready to leave.

  Make sure wedding gifts are safely stored.

  All or some of the above may be expected but, again, don’t panic. The groom, families, a wedding organiser or toastmaster can help you. Now to that speech…

  Speech Length

  There is no accepted length for a best man’s speech.

  Some best men are entirely uncomfortable with this part of the day and will speak for as short a time as possible. Having downloaded this guide, however, we’ll assume that you’re determined to fulfil your duties properly and deliver a memorable speech.

  Don’t feel that you have to entertain your audience for half an hour. Nobody will be timing you. Using this guide and employing some personal details of the bridegroom, construct a speech that ultimately you’re comfortable with.

  I’ve written many best men speeches in the past and the most common length is ten minutes. However, if you feel you want to do more or less than this the decision is entirely yours.

  This guide includes a template best man speech that you can personalise, lengthen or shorten.

  Delivery

  Whether you speak in public every day or you’ve never done it before, there’s no denying it can be nerve-wracking.

  Many people adopt a different voice or persona when they’re giving an address but this particular speech certainly calls for you to be yourself.

  Faced with a room full of people this advice may seem strange but try to relax! If you are, your audience will be. Remember the all-important fact: By the time you give your speech your audience will probably be fed, content and relaxed. Some of them may have had a few drinks and will be loosened up and feeling benevolent.

  Don’t think of your speech as an audition or ordeal more as a conversation with friends. After all, even if you don’t know them all individually, you’re all there to celebrate the same happy occasion.

  Depending on the size of the venue you may need to project your voice to people at the back of the room. If people can’t hear you you’ll soon be told! Many venues will provide a microphone so remember to ask for one if you feel you’ll have difficulty. Very often a toastmaster will organise the speakers so you can ask them what they think is the best option.

  It’s very commendable if you want to learn your speech by heart and deliver it without notes but it’s also traditional at weddings for pages to be produced from an inside pocket. You’re not a professional speaker so nobody will expect you to be word perfect.

  If you’ve rehearsed sufficiently (see below) you’ll be able to pace your delivery but remember to be flexible when it comes to their reaction. If they’re laughing at one of your stories allow them to finish before moving on.

  You’ll quickly get a feel for the audience’s mood and you can always have your notes on hand if you lose your way.