“But apart from Mister Pain-in-the-ass, is everything okay?” he asks softly.
I nod. “I’m just tired and glad when it’s over. I keep wondering how you guys must be feeling, if I find it draining after only doing this for three weeks.”
“It’s different for us. We’ve gotten used to being on the road all the time. You adjust to that lifestyle. But I’ve had more than enough, to be honest. Last year we did the world tour, this year it was Europe and Asia, and next spring we’re already scheduled to tour the States. And then there’s the TV appearances that keep coming up in between,” he tells me.
“You should be able to live a life like every other guy your age.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, go to college, find a job, do something that isn’t quite so demanding.”
He laughs softly. “I like my job. I’m doing what I love, and I hope I can keep doing it for a long time. But you never know how long this will last, how long people buy our music and come to our concerts. The new album went straight to the top of the charts, but who knows what will happen with the next one, or the one after? We’ve got to go with the flow.”
“I get that, but I can also see that you’re all tired and exhausted, and that your social life is restricted to a small circle of people. Your own band, and then Amira and the guys from D.A.C.C.P., and Thally from time to time. Isn’t that that sort of limiting?” I want to know.
He nods thoughtfully. “We all have other friends at home and on the road, but you may be right, sometimes it feels a bit limiting. Or limited, at least.” Then he sighs. “But there are worse things than that.”
“What could be worse than being lonely?”
“I’m not lonely, Honor. I spend my days with my best friends, I have an awesome job, and I meet new people every day; I get along great with most of them. As long as that is the case, I won’t ever be lonely,” he assures me in an earnest tone.
“And what about a shoulder to lean on?”
“Right now, I am your shoulder to lean on, and I hope I can lean on you when I need it, too – in a completely platonic sense, in case you were worried.”
“Sure. Anytime you need someone to listen, I’m here, Mike.”
“But tonight, we’ll go out and have fun. I want to see you laugh again. It’s been way too long since you did that last.”
“That’s not true. I laugh.”
“You force yourself to smile from time to time, but you haven’t laughed out loud in weeks, Honor.”
“Where do you want to go?”
He smirks. “We could sing karaoke. It’s still a big deal over here.”
“I’d prefer to spend a night without singing, actually. But we could go dancing instead.”
“I’m a really bad dancer.”
“Me, too, but nobody knows us over here, so we can let loose and make fools of ourselves without regret.”
We exchange a look and then both burst into laughter at the mental images.
“She can laugh! I don’t believe it; she hasn’t lost the gift!” he calls out gleefully, puts an arm around me and hugs me.
“I hate to dampen your merriment, but some people would like to enjoy a little peace and quiet in here. Mike, we need you in the back for the briefing,” Alexis calls over, and when I raise my eyes, I see him approach us and scowl at me.
I pull away from Mike. “We can talk later. I’ll just hunt you down in your suite after my nap.”
“Aye aye, ma’am,” he replies, still chuckling as he stands from his seat. He walks past Alexis, who is still looking at me from under his knit eyebrows.
“Good for you that you’re having fun.”
I merely nod, before turning my gaze to the window, feigning disinterest.
He sighs. “Okay, I deserve that. See you.”
I nod again. Looking at him would reawaken the dull ache in my heart. I hear him walk away, and I inhale deeply with relief. Can we just get to that god damn hotel already, so I don’t have to see him anymore?
I’m glad that our clothes are being sent to the hotel cleaners on a regular basis, since that means I didn’t have to pack my entire wardrobe. I’m dressed for my platonic date with Mike, and on the way to his suite to pick him up. He texted me a picture so I would find the right door, which is not an easy task with the confusingly similar Chinese characters.
This must be it. I take a deep breath and knock on his door.
It takes a moment, but then I hear steps, and the door opens. “I have no … Honor,” Alexis blurts his surprise.
I stare at him, just as flabbergasted by his sight. “Uh … is Mike here? This is his suite, isn’t it?”
He nods and steps aside so I can come in.
I slowly walk past him, into the living room. “So is he here?”
Alexis has followed me. “He went somewhere with Azer, Linden and Gavin.”
“Oh, okay. Sorry for bothering you,” I reply quietly, lower my eyes, and turn around to head back out, but Alexis stops me.
“Please stay.” His voice is as husky and hoarse and sexy as ever.
“They staged this, right? This isn’t even Mike’s suite.”
“Yes, it is. We’re sharing it, since there was a mix-up with booking. I don’t think they will be gone for long, in case you want to wait,” he says, reaching out and putting two fingers under my chin to lift it.
But I don’t want to look into his eyes, so I take two quick steps back. “I think I’m going to pass on going out after all. Please tell Mike that it was a nice idea, but I’m not the least bit interested in having a conversation with you.”
“Honor, please.” He takes a step towards me, but I retreat.
“Stop it, Alexis.”
He freezes and then puts his hands into his pockets. “I understand that you’re mad at me.”
“I’m not mad, I’m hurt. But you were right, we did agree to only having fun, and then you had enough of me and went looking for another flavor of fun. That’s the way it goes when you have an affair, I guess,” I reply, but my voice cracks on the final words, and I follow the last sentence with a sob.
“No, that’s not what happened … I screwed up because …” He swallows. “Because I was scared of you.”
I wipe the tears off my face and then raise an eyebrow. “Wow, you really know how to compliment a woman. Thanks.”
“I didn’t mean it that way, Honor.” He sighs and runs a hand through his toffee-colored hair, then he turns away. “I can’t even look you in the eye, I feel so awful.”
I snort. “One thing we have in common then.”
He turns back around to face me once again, looks at me with a desperate glint in his eyes. “I wanted to run away from my own feelings, but since we left the States, I feel like the lowest scum that ever existed. I screwed up big time, and I regret it every single day. I … I fell in love with you, Honor.”
I gasp for air. Why is he lying to me? I stare at the floor and shake my head. “I don’t believe you.”
Two steps and he’s standing far too close to me again. Alexis takes my face in his hands, forces me to look at him. “I’m telling you the truth. I felt so incredibly … different when I was with you. That scared me. I didn’t know what was happening to me, but I was certain that I didn’t love you. I told myself I was just stressed, but all my exhaustion and depression was gone when you were with me. I … I’m a damn idiot.”
“Let me go,” I demand in a hoarse whisper.
“No, I want us to talk about this. Yell at me, hit me in the face, do whatever you need to do so the air is clear and we can talk,” he insists quietly but forcefully.
I take a deep breath and feel my entire body shake. Shivers are running down my back.
“Honor, please.”
I shake my head weakly. “No.”
“Fuck, Honor, what do I have to do to make you listen to me and call me a fucking bastard?”
“Since you already know what you are, why do you need my confi
rmation?” I demand to know, and I look him straight in the eye for the first time in weeks while I utter the words.
“Because you are the only person who has the right to say a thing like that.” He leans down and kisses my forehead.
I squeeze my eyes shut and make a decision that is going to change my life. I don’t think it will change it for the worse, though, because I know I’m going to leave the pain and the heartbreak behind when I can finally leave him behind. “Alexis, I’m going to quit when the tour is over.”
He lets go of me with a jolt. “No.”
“Yes.”
“When did you decide that?”
“A few seconds ago.”
“Are you out of your mind? Why do you want to throw all this away?” he asks, still not comprehending what this is about.
“Because of you.”
He staggers backwards. “If I’d known that I would destroy so much more than your faith in me … I would have … I mean, I … Fuck!” Alexis puts his hands on his cheeks in a show of despair. “Don’t throw away this opportunity! I’d rather say goodbye to the band.”
“Bullshit! I will … find something else. I still have the demo. Who else has a professionally produced demo with their own song on it? Not too many hopeful beginners, I believe,” I explain hoarsely. “You shouldn’t abandon your friends.”
Alexis drops to his knees, looks up at me with tears in his eyes. “Just tell me that you hate me, but don’t disappear from my life.”
“Please get up.”
He shakes his head. “No, I’m begging you not to leave. I … I was such an asshole, Honor, but please let me make it up to you some way or another. Don’t just run away.”
I take a deep breath. “I cannot stand the sight of you anymore, Alexis. Every time I see you or Charlotte, all I can think of is the way you chose to let me know that you didn’t care … You could have told me, told me about what you were feelings, because I had feelings for you. True, strong feelings.” I need to breathe deeply a few more times to steady my voice. “But you trampled them as hard as you could, kicked them around. Maybe I should have told you, but I didn’t want to scare you away.”
“You did,” he says softly, staring at my feet before him. “You told me when you fell asleep in my arms, after we celebrated your finished demo … you told me you had fallen in love with me.” A tear falls on the gray carpet. “And I panicked.”
I swallow. I don’t remember telling him anything, but I was probably half asleep when my heart gave me away. “At least now I know the reason for your sudden fight-and-flight mode. And the subsequent freeze-out.”
“I was in panic. I knew I’m not cut out for a relationship, so I wanted to drive you away to keep me from hurting you. I felt that you deserve someone who knows how to love you, not a selfish asshole like me. I’m a wreck, and I know that you’re the only woman who saw beyond that, and beyond everything else. You saw the real me, not the fame and the gold records, and you didn’t care about money and success. You saw Alexis Kingston, the fun-loving guy whom I buried so deep within myself, because I wanted to protect him from ever falling in love again. And you lured my true self back to the surface. I have no idea how you did that, but I do know that there’s nothing I regret more than that one fucking mistake… and believe me, I screwed up a lot in my life. I know that I’m so deeply in love with you it hurts. I know that you hate me because I hurt you, but you are here and you are listening to me, so I hope against all hope that there is still a tiny flame in your heart that is burning for me. Honor, please, I don’t want a shot at a relationship with you now, but I want you to give me the chance to make up for what I did to you. And I hope you don’t quit, because that would mean that I’d lose my peace of mind again. That’s what you are for me: Peace of mind, and at the same time my incentive, something to get me going.”
I sigh. “Alexis, the love that you’re talking about starts with a look and ends in a tumble between the sheets. The love I’m talking about, the love that I felt for you, that starts in the heart and ends in the grave.” I hold out my hand. “Please get up.”
He takes my hand and stands up. His face is wet with tears when he looks down at me. “I am …” Alexis shakes his head. “I mean the same thing. I felt what you felt.”
I nod slowly. “You will find a woman who can love you unconditionally. I thought maybe I was the one, but my unconditional ends when I’m made out to be the fool.” I let go of his hand and pull mine away. “My love will only end in the grave, because you’re right, there is a small spark that refuses to die, but it will eventually go out, just like the fire it came from.” I glance at the door behind me, then back at him. “I’m going back to my room now. I’ll see you at the sound check, Lex.” I turn away and want to leave the suite.
“Please don’t go.”
“Good night, Alexis.” I step out into the hallway and close the door behind me, hurrying to reach the elevator.
When I’ve reached my own room five minutes later, I burst into tears. My tears have become my most faithful companions, arriving on cue when everyone else has abandoned me. My legs wobble and give way, making me drop to my knees with a painful jolt, as if to echo Alexis’s move only a few minutes earlier. I’m done, I can’t take any more. His confession was too much to bear. I crawl over to the bed and lean against the edge, laying my head on the mattress. I can’t stop crying, until it chokes me and takes my breath away. I’m so upset that it’s starting to scare me. It feels as if I’m hyperventilating, so I grope for my handbag, but my breath is galloping in a way I’ve never experienced before. When I grab my bag, my eyes start to swim, and the lump in my throat swells to epic proportions, getting even heavier and more oppressive than before, until it chokes me.
Then everything turns black.
Alexis
I’m sitting in the armchair, staring into space and wondering if I really told Honor everything I meant to tell her. I know Mike and she are nothing but friends, but I still feel an irrational jealousy flare up at the thought of her trusting him but not me. She talks to him like they have known each other forever, and she touches him without hesitating or flinching. She doesn’t evade his gaze or his questions. I his presence, she’s the exact opposite of what she is in my presence - Cold and distant. And I deserve that, and worse. Tarring and feathering would be a mild punishment for my mistakes. I drink the whiskey I got from the minibar. I need some Dutch courage right now.
“I’m back! Can I come in or is anyone naked in there?” Mike calls from the door.
“It’s only me.”
He comes into the living room and runs a hand through his blond hair. “Did she talk to you?”
“I did the talking, she ran away,” I answer flatly without looking up.
“That was to be expected. I think I’ll go downstairs and apologize to her for not being completely honest about tonight.”
I look at him. “Can I come? She seemed extremely upset, so I’d like to check on her, too. Make sure she’s okay.”
Mike takes off his jacket and throws it onto the armchair. “Okay, come with, but if you push yourself on her again, I’ll throw you out of the room.” He smiles at me.
I nod and set down the empty glass. “Let’s go.”
Once we’re in the hallway, Mike gives me a strange look. “Have you been crying?”
“I have.” Admitting to crying is probably going to be something he’ll never let me live down, but so what? I can deal with a little teasing, I reckon.
“Wow!” He whistles. “I didn’t think I would live to see the day. Real tears?”
“I couldn’t help it. You should have seen the look in her eyes. Those baby blues were so full of sadness I couldn’t bear it.”
We use the stairs and walk down the hallway to the lower floor. I wonder why we’re getting the large suites, while the employees have to make do with the regular bedrooms. What with all the stress and hustle, they deserve a little luxury, too.
“Here we
are,” Mike announces and knocks on the door. “She usually opens right away.” He knocks again. “Honor?” After a few more seconds have passed, he looks at me. “Did she say she was going out?”
“She said she’d return to her room,” I reply, and then the dread starts to rise in my heart. What if Honor has done something stupid? “Do you think she …”
He knows what I imply, what I can’t say. “No, I don’t think she’d do something like that.” Mike knocks again, harder this time. “Honor? Come on, it’s me, Mike. Please open the door,” he calls, urgency creeping into his voice.
“I’m going to call the front desk and ask if they can send someone up with a master key.” I pull out my phone and look for the hotel’s number. Good thing we’ve been here before, and they know us and know that we wouldn’t play a prank like this. When someone picks up, I quickly explain the situation, mentioning that I’m worried about a friend who might be lying unconscious in her room. It’s a white lie to get the receptionist to speed up and send someone quickly. “They’re sending someone.”
“Great.” Mike knocks again. “Honor, come on!”
Five minutes later, a hotel bellboy appears. “Mr. Parrish sent me to open this door for you, Mr. Kingston?”
“Yes, I asked him to help me out here,” I reply with a nod.
The bellboy unlocks the door. “Can I do anything else for you today?”
Mike rushes into Honor’s room. “An ambulance, quick!”
I follow him and freeze at the sight before me. Honor lies on the floor, her lips have turned blue, and her phone has obviously slipped from her limp hand. “Is she still breathing?”
“Yes, but it’s shallow. Her pulse is weak, too.” He cautiously turns her around. “Honor? Hey, can you hear me?” Mike pats her cheek gently. “Honor, please wake up.”
All I can do is stare at them, unable to move. My whole body has stiffened, only my hands are shaking.
Alexis: In love with a rockstar (The Hamptons Series Book 2) Page 19
