Voyage to Ayama

by K. A Knight

  “I was hoping you’d be here.”

  I look up and smile. Cain is leaning against the door, his arms braced on the roof.

  “Worried you might win if I wasn’t?” I wink. He smirks, his cocky attitude back in full force.

  “Nah, there’s no competition without you.”

  I lean back in my bucket seat.

  “See you brought them.” He nods over at the brothers, who are watching us with a weird expression on their faces. Nodding, I look back at him, trying to ignore the muscles which are pushing against his shirt.

  “Misunderstanding,” I offer. He nods, but something flickers across his face too fast for me to catch it.

  “Want to make this more interesting?” He wiggles his eyebrows, making me grin.

  “Sure. What do I get when I win?” He laughs and leans into the cab.

  “I win, and you come with me tonight to our spot. You win, and I'll bow down to you in front of everyone.”

  I tap my chin, pretending to ponder his bet.

  “Hmm... a night with the ever annoying or a smackdown in front of everyone,” my grin stretches across my face. “Deal.”

  The speaker sounds overhead, as Lee welcomes everyone. Cain leans in further, just inches separating us. My traitorous heart speeds up for a reason other than the racing, and my eyes drop to his plump lips.

  “Now I have a reason to win. See you at the finish line.” He winks and saunters to his speeder. Blowing out a disappointed breath, I lean out to close my door and get ready. Blocking out the crowd, I focus on the countdown appearing on the screen and with each glowing number my excitement builds...

  10

  9

  8

  7

  6

  5

  The numbers flash on the console before me and the crowd goes wild chanting mine and Cain’s name.

  4

  3

  2

  I grip the wheel and rev the engine, my grin turning crazy.

  1

  GO

  I shoot out of the line, Cain not far behind me. I accelerate around the first corner, flicking my eyes back to see a speeder turning over and crashing. A new driver, I think with a snort. The S bend ahead slows me a little, but not much. I could probably run this track in my sleep. On the straight stretch, Cain pulls even with me and blows me a kiss, before pulling ahead. Laughing, I speed up. We pull even again, but he cuts the next corner tight, forcing me to pull behind him. I ignore all the other drivers, the race just between me and him. The ramp to the next level is ahead and I speed up yet again, the adrenaline coursing through my body. We both reach it side by side and the small jump down to the second level is smooth. I pull ahead, drifting around the corner. I turn bend after bend, blocking him and laughing crazily. The steep ramp back down comes up and I slow a little so I don’t go flying. We rush over the starting line and around the first bend.

  Shit.

  The speeder from earlier hasn't moved and is blocking the middle of the track with room for only one speeder to go around it at a time. Cain and I are neck and neck, not wanting to give ground to the other. It's like playing chicken. I speed up, heading straight for the crashed speeder. The crowd is screaming; thinking we are both going to hit it. At the last minute, Cain pulls back, letting me swerve around it, him closely following.

  We complete three more laps, trading first place more than once. In the last bit of the fourth lap, when I should slow for the ramp down, I speed up. I go flying over it, a moment of weightlessness hitting me as I come out of my seat. I tighten my hands, ready for the rough landing while I'm in the air. I crash back down on the course, having to grip the wheel to stay straight. Laughing, I drift through the finish line, spinning the speeder in a circle before stopping. My hands still clutching the wheel, my body tightly wired. A whoop bursts out of me as I let go and try to get my body under control. Getting out of the speeder, I watch as Cain pulls up next to me. I wait as he slides out, his gaze locked on me like no one else exists. I know the screen above must be focused on us, the crowd watching as he walks towards me. He's smiling that soft smile from the other night and suddenly I don’t care anymore. If he kissed me right now, I would kiss him back. Even knowing the brothers are watching, even knowing my heart is pulling me in all directions.

  “Crazy stunt, babe.”

  I wink at him and lean back on the speeder, trying to control myself. Seriously, how can I be attracted to so many people at once, and why does my stupid head not seem to care about that?

  “Guess that means I win,” I say smugly. He groans but steps up in front of me. He bends and bows to me at the waist in front of everyone with a flourish. The crowd goes crazy as I laugh. The great and popular upper bowing to a middle? Unheard of. He straightens and winks at me, showing me he's not bothered. He steps closer again and I blame my adrenaline for making my heart beat faster. Barely any room separates us now. I find myself holding my breath to see what he will do.

  “I am sad that I don’t get my prize though,” he says slowly and pouts at me.

  “Who says I won’t go with you still?” I tilt my head. It’s like the world stops, this moment so important. The crowd, the pressure of everything, fades away.

  “Will you?” he asks unsure, he seems to have forgotten about everyone else too. His mask slipping to show me his other side.

  “Yes,” I say softly, my attitude disappearing as the word slips out. That brilliant smile graces his face, making me swallow hard as he watches me with tender eyes. Straightening before I do something crazy like jump him, I slip past, breaking the moment.

  “I’ll see you tonight,” I offer before heading over to Lee.

  “Good race, Indy!”

  I nod at him, my head still muddled from the adrenaline and Cain.

  “Usual?” he asks

  “Yeah, thanks Lee.” My eyes lose focus as I try to think of a way to sort out my stupid attraction to them all once and for all.

  “Why do you give them all your winnings?” Lee asks as he types on his tablet, disrupting my thoughts. Blinking, I watch him before answering.

  “They are my family, it means they can have a better life on the ground. Bigger house, more food, even take the time off to enjoy Ayama..,” I trail off as he raises his head, his eyes watching me seriously.

  “And you don't need that?”

  “Why would I? I don't plan on staying.” Ignoring his surprised look, I spin and head over to the brothers. They sweep me up in a hug, making me giggle.

  “So, what did you guys think?” I ask when they put me down.

  “That was crazy! I’ve never been so scared and excited at the same time,” Auden gushes. I look at Eldon.

  “You were great, good looking, I was a little scared though.” I offer him a smile in reassurance.

  I look around the crowd, my eyes flitting from person to person. They land on a man and a woman. I don’t know what makes me look at them. With a frown, I realise they are watching me and not the other competitors or Lee. The man is tall with a bald head and a face you would easily forget, the woman at his side has long black hair. They seem familiar, but I don’t know why. The woman offers me a smile before they both disappear into the crowd.

  Turning back to the guys to ask if they noticed them, I swallow the question when I notice they are busy smiling at me. I offer them a tentative one back and forget the weird woman and man.

  “Let's get out of here.” They both nod, each grabbing a hand. I look back at Cain to see him watching us, a strange expression on his face... Dare I say it looks thoughtful?

  We spend the rest of the evening at the lagoon, racing and playing. My bad mood once again disappearing with their banter. Each time they touch me, it seems to linger, and more than once I catch them watching me when they think I’m not looking.

  When it comes to going back to the unit, I'm surprised when they tell me they are going to stop at their own. I’ve gotten used to them staying at mine, and once I step through th
e door, I notice how quiet it is now. All the memories and belongings I was holding onto to remember my parents, only seem to add to the ache. This place should be filled with joy and happiness, instead, it's like a museum - or a tomb. With determined steps, I start to tidy up all the stuff they left all over the place the morning of the accident.

  For once, the sadness is manageable and instead, I can look at the memories that the objects hold without breaking down. I put them all gently in a box for storage, my fingers lingering over their notes. I remember a time I could barely look at their handwriting without breaking down, now each day seems to get easier. I will never forget them, but it doesn't hurt as much to remember them now. I don't just think of their deaths, but their lives too. Remembering everything we did together, all the birthdays and days spent as a family. I think the pain will always be there, but maybe not as strong, until one day, all that's left is the good, not the bad. It brings down a wall in me, one I use to push people away. The one that tells me that everyone leaves. Until I'm left feeling more human, less of the girl who used every excuse to find a way to forget, to keep busy. Instead, I can be in my own company without going mad. I can sit and think through my feelings without pain or anger. I think Auden, Eldon and even Barrott and Cain are a large part of why.

  I'm just clearing away the table when the buzzer goes, looking through the camera I grin when I see Cain. Opening the door, I casually lean against it. His hands are shoved in his jeans pockets and his smile is shy. This is my favourite version of Cain.

  “You still want to go?” His words almost seem to burst out of him and I notice with mirth his cheeks tint.

  “I said I would, didn’t I?” I offer, not moving. His shoulders drop, I didn’t even notice how tense they were before. His smile grows into his usual cocky smirk.

  “Hurry up then, speed demon.”

  I roll my eyes, but step out and shut the door behind me. He grabs my hand, twining his fingers with mine. I notice his palms are sweaty. Glancing at him out of the corner of my eye, I wonder if he is nervous? Why does this feel so different than any other relationship I’ve been in? Not that we are in a relationship, but with all the others it was like I was going through the motions. Doing what was expected. It doesn't mean I didn't care, but this just feels more. More right, more exciting, like it’s meant to be. Every little word making my heart flutter like a trapped bird and every touch feel like the first time all over again. But how can one person feel like that for four people? More to the point, how will they react when they find out? Pushing my fears and doubts aside, I let myself be in this moment. If I'm going to mess it up by admitting I have feelings for someone else, I want to remember this without them clouding my every move.

  We are talking and joking as we walk, sharing smiles and giggles like teenagers on their first date. Well, I guess we sort of are. This past year has made me feel older than just my eighteen years, but it’s nice to feel young for once. I catch movement out of the corner of my eye, making me glance to see the back of a retreating guard. I eye the walk and the back, is that Barrott? I watch as he turns the corner, his shoulders slumped and his head low. Was he coming to see me? I’m pulled from my questions when Cain tugs on my hand.

  I almost groan when Chrissy steps out of a corner into us, her usual sidekicks behind her. She glances from Cain to me and then down to our joined hands. Her smile turns into a frown, but she quickly wipes it away, her painted lips twisting into something more friendly. It does nothing to detract from the calculative gleam in her eye. Ignoring me completely, she steps into Cain and leans her hand on his chest, fluttering her eyes at him.

  “Hi, Cain,” she purrs. Really? He looks uncomfortable, but offers her his usual smirk. I swear, if he starts flirting with her in front of me... I try to tug my hand back, but he doesn't let me.

  “You were really good tonight, maybe you could take me racing with you sometime?” Her voice is low, and I’m sure it's supposed to be seductive. To me, she sounds like she's constipated. She starts stroking his chest and I've just decided I've had enough when he steps back and pulls me in front of him, my back to his chest. He wraps his arm around my waist and uses me as a shield from her. I have to choke down my laugh.

  “Save me, speed demon,” he whispers to me. Feeling more secure now that I know he's not going to flirt with her, I lean back against him, getting comfy. Her face is like a thunderstorm and she’s glaring daggers at me. The next second, she's all smiles again. It's creepy.

  I pretend to inspect my nails, ignoring her.

  “Why don’t you run along Indy, me and Cainy have some things we need to discuss.” She licks her lips at him and I nearly vomit. Cainy? I have to bite my tongue to stop the laugh from coming out. I feel him shudder in horror behind me.

  “That’s alright, thanks…” He trails off, does he really not know her name? He does sound confused. She frowns again.

  “Chrissy,” I supply helpfully. She glares at me again before smiling at Cain.

  “Right, sorry Chrissy, but me and speed demon here are busy. Why don’t you ask one of the other racers?” His voice is cheerful. In this moment I fall a little bit in love with him. I'm betting he knows her name but is trying to make me feel better. All my insecurity and anxiety at seeing her vanishes. I offer her a genuine smile for the first time ever, too full of happiness to care. She stamps her foot, I shit you not. Stamps her foot like a child. She adds a pout as well and the laughter I've been trying to hold in tumbles out. Remind me to never pout if that’s what I look like, seriously. She looks like a duck or like she just sucked on a lemon.

  “Shut the fuck up, Indy,” she hisses. “You’re such a slut, first Liam and now Cain? Or is it those brothers who follow you around like lost puppies?” My laughter dries up at the arse badger’s name.

  “Chris are you…” Say the jizz cock’s name once and he appears. Ugh, I’m so telling Effie my theory about using insults to name him, sort of like how they never say Voldemort in those movies, was a good idea. He rounds the corner and looks between us all, wincing when he notices me in Cain’s arms. He ignores Chrissy and stares at me. I look him over, it looks like he's lost weight. He's still handsome, with those baby blues I loved so much and his styled brown hair. He doesn’t compare to the brothers or Cain though. He's got muscle and is quite tall, but now when I look at him, I don’t feel anything.

  “Indy.” His voice is full of awe. I haven’t seen him since that night. I avoided him like the plague until I didn’t care anymore and then I just never noticed if he was around. I never loved him, maybe if we had been together long enough, I could have. He is smart, funny and good looking, so it's not a stretch. I definitely felt something for him but compared to my feelings for Cain, and even the brothers, it’s like the wind blowing versus a tornado. I just nod at him. Chrissy sidles up to him, wrapping herself around him. He doesn’t even glance at her.

  “Hi, babe,” she purrs and leans up to kiss his cheek. He blinks and looks at her as if he just realised she was there. He looks uncomfortable in her arms, making me feel a little sorry for him.

  Cain tugs me and we turn to leave, leaving the happy couple to it.

  “Indy, wait!”

  I stop with a groan. Cain looks at me with a raised eyebrow, asking me what I want to do. Shaking my head at my own foolishness, I turn and look at them.

  “What's up?” I ask as casually as I can.

  He steps away from Chrissy and the look she gives him is murderous. “Can we talk?”

  My eyes round with shock. “About what?” Cain leans at my back, offering his support.

  “Us?” He looks from Cain to me.

  “There is no us?” I ask, genuinely confused.

  “Give me a chance to explain, darling,” I freeze at the endearment. “You cut me out and never let me...” He trails off, probably at the anger on my face.

  “Look, douche canoe. I don’t know what you think you will gain by talking to me. We were over ages ago. The fact is, I haven
’t thought about you, I don’t want you, and I certainly don’t care about your excuses. I’ve moved on, why can’t you?” He looks like I've just slapped him.

  “We were good together…” He starts hesitantly before I step closer, all my hurt from that time rushing back. I need him to understand, even if it is in the past.

  “We were. until you couldn’t handle it and ran to the closest girl. You freaked at having to be in a relationship when it wasn't just me supporting you. Because, let's face it, that’s all it was between us. We were bored, and when I actually needed you to act like a boyfriend, you didn’t.” Tears fill his eyes and all I feel is pity. I take a breath, letting my anger disappear. The truth is he did me a favour that day. I would have probably stayed with him instead of finding someone I really cared about and who really cared about me. I had been settling, scared to be alone. Instead of letting him go, I would have stayed in a dead relationship. It might not have been bad or abusive, but it was indifferent.

  “I'm glad it happened. Not the timing, but it made me realise that I was settling. I hope you find someone worth staying for.” With that, I turn and grab Cain’s hand. He's quiet as we walk towards our hideaway.

  “What happened with you and him?” he asks once we are tucked away. I play with his fingers, unwilling to look at him. The stars shine above us and we are laid out underneath them again.

  “When my parents,,,” I take a breath, “died. We were going out, had been for a while. But I wasn't the same after, I just couldn’t deal,” I look away. “I needed him and he pulled away, and then I found out he had been cheating on me with Chrissy.”

  “How?”

  “I was having a panic attack. I couldn’t sleep and I needed to be held so I went to his unit and walked in on them. He told me he couldn’t deal with all the attention and that I was different in that I didn’t want to have fun anymore,” I scoff.

  “Are you kidding me?” Cain shouts. I look at him in surprise.

  “You just lost your parents and he's mad because you didn’t want to have fun? What an ass. You obviously needed him, he should have been there for you.” He carries on ranting and I smile. I don’t listen to his words but the anger on my behalf on his face undoes me. There are so many sides to Cain that I feel like I'm finding. He's not what I expected. He stops shouting, his mouth shutting as he looks at me.