‘I’m fine.’
I smile up at him and close my eyes as he kisses me quickly, my hand gripping the material of his shirt as I slide it around his waist. I want to have some fun tonight, and then fall asleep in this man’s arms and not think about the things I have to do tomorrow, without him.
‘So, you gonna introduce me to Joey, then?’
I give him another smile, although I’m still a touch nervous of this meeting between him and my best friend. Joey doesn’t really trust him. Any man he thinks is going to hurt me he doesn’t trust. But after everything that happened – everything he saved me from – that’s understandable. But he’s promised to be on his best behaviour. Which could mean anything, knowing Joey. But he’s promised to do this, for me.
‘He hates me, right?’ Neal smirks, and I love that he’s so perceptive.
‘He doesn’t hate you. He just – it’s hard for him to get his head around, that’s all. Us, what’s happening here, it’s hard for anyone to get their head around. Even we’re confused, Neal, so imagine what outsiders must think.’
Although, not that many outsiders are aware of just what Neal and I are to each other. Everyone here in Bam-Bams knows me; they know what I do. But they’re an amazing group of people, and discreet is something they’ll always be. They’re my family. So they won’t be at all fazed about Neal and me.
He pulls me into his arms and I stare up into those big, baby-blue eyes and my stomach dances around like a million butterflies have just been let loose in there. ‘Everything doesn’t have to make sense, Kira. Sometimes confusion can be hot.’
I laugh, because he’s right. I can either spend what little time we have together dreading the day he leaves, or I can make the most of the next few days and create some wonderful memories of a beautiful man who came and changed my world. Because I think he’s doing that. He’s changing me. And those changes are still going to happen, even after he’s gone. ‘Hot confusion, huh?’
‘Our speciality,’ he laughs, tucking a finger under my chin and kissing me so gently I can’t help but gasp. I want this man so much it hurts. Everything about him hurts. But I need the pain.
‘Come on.’ I smile and take his hand again, dragging him down a corridor towards the dressing rooms at the back of the club. ‘Joey’ll be waiting. And he promised me he’d have some champagne on ice.’
‘Champagne, huh? You really are a fan of the bubbles, aren’t you?’
‘You know I am.’ I stop for a second outside the larger, communal dressing room and throw him another, slightly sexier smile, pushing myself up against him, my mouth almost touching his as I speak. ‘And I’d be an even bigger fan if a hot-as-hell American poured some over my naked tits and licked it off, slowly, while he finger-fucks me to orgasm.’
He groans long and low and I kiss him, feeling that groan vibrate right through me, and he catches my waist, pressing me hard against him as we kiss deeper and longer.
‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, get a bloody room.’
I pull away from Neal and turn to see Joey leaning against the doorpost of the open dressing room door, arms folded, eyes rolling.
‘This is Neal.’ I can’t stop the stupidest, biggest smile from appearing on my face as I introduce Neal to my fabulous friend, but I can see Joey is still wary. He’s always going to be wary. I just have to live with that.
‘I’d gathered that, angel. I didn’t think you’d just cornered some poor, random bloke to lock lips with… Oh, my… I see she wasn’t exaggerating about those eyes…’
I stifle a giggle as I see Joey’s expression change to something verging on lust, for the briefest of seconds, as he finally turns his attention to Neal. And then he remembers he’s supposed to be wary of this man and his trying to claw that demeanour back is even more amusing.
I take Neal’s hand and give it a squeeze, rubbing his arm and kissing his shoulder.
‘Put the poor man down, Kira, and get inside. I’ve got bubbles.’
We follow him into the dressing room, which is half-full with all the other drag artists who’ve already performed tonight, all of them my friends, and all of them unable to take their eyes off Neal. It really is quite funny to watch, but I’m not surprised by their reactions. He really is one of the most incredible looking men I have ever set eyes on, and of course others are going to feel that way, too. Especially a room full of gay men. Neal has the kind of appeal that spreads far and wide, no matter what sex you are.
‘Stop gawping, you bunch of sex-starved queens,’ Joey sighs as he flounces past everyone to his station. ‘You’d think they’d never seen a gorgeous man walk through this dressing room before… anyway, angel. Drink?’
‘You have to ask?’
‘I know. How stupid of me. Neal?’
He looks at Neal, and Neal gives him one of his wide smiles and Joey gasps out loud, which makes me laugh. I can’t help it.
‘Yeah. I’ll take a glass of whatever you’re offering.’ Neal gives him another smile, and I swear I see Joey’s hand shake as he pours the champagne. He’s going to have a lot to say about this tomorrow, but right now I’m just enjoying the show.
It takes about five minutes for Neal to work his charm on everyone in the room, and as he chats to a group of our friends I stay with Joey as he gets ready to hit the stage.
‘I should have made you introduce him to me after my act. I’m a trembling wreck now.’
‘Behave. You’re fine. Anyway, I thought you didn’t trust him?’
‘I don’t. I still think what you’re doing is a huge mistake, but that doesn’t stop him from being a gay man’s fantasy, does it? You’re not exclusive when it comes to having horny thoughts about our American boy… and where does that accent of his hail from, angel?’
‘Texas.’
‘Oh, sweet Jesus, as if he wasn’t hot enough he’s also a cowboy.’ He sits back in his chair and fans himself with the end of a feather boa.
‘I don’t think he owns a Stetson, Joey.’
Joey looks at me – straight at me, his expression stern. ‘With respect, sweetheart, you know absolutely nothing about that man, except the size of his cock and the fact he’s verging on perfect to look at.’ He leans forward, his voice lowering just a touch. ‘How big is his cock, by the way?’
I just raise an eyebrow.
‘Such a spoilsport,’ Joey huffs. ‘I’m going with big. It’ll work so much better in my fantasies.’
I still say nothing, but I do smile, which kind of gives him a hint that he might be right.
‘So, you still set on spending the next few nights with him?’ Joey looks back in the mirror and fixes a long blonde wig firmly in place over his own short dark hair.
‘You know I am.’
‘Until he has to leave, huh?’
He turns to look at me again, and the once lightened atmosphere suddenly turns dark again.
‘Are you ready for that, hon? Because, if you don’t think… Kira, babe, maybe walking away now would…’
‘I should go see if he’s OK.’
He gently grabs my wrist as I make to slide down from the counter, stopping me from going anywhere. ‘He’s fine. They’re not gonna hurt him. Well, not unless he asks them to… Look, Kira…’
I shake my head and wrench my arm free of his grip. ‘Not tonight, Joey, OK? Please. Not tonight.’
Neal
I could watch her dance all night. The way she moves is hypnotic. Even the gay guys can’t take their eyes off her.
She hangs out here a lot, I can tell. They treat her like a princess, and I’m kinda guessing they’re like a little family and I’m this big, bad outsider who could hurt their girl.
They know how we met, I can tell that, too. And I think she tells Joey everything, so he and probably everyone else in this place will know I paid for their princess; that I had two thousand pounds’ worth of mind-blowing sex from her before we both stopped fighting the confusion and moved on, to something I still don’t understand, but I
can’t leave it alone. I can’t leave her alone.
I take another sip of beer and lean back against the wall, my eyes back on her as she moves her hips in time to the music, her eyes closed, her arms up above her head, and I want to see her do that naked. I want her to dance, just for me, naked.
‘She’s something, isn’t she?’
I turn to see Joey standing beside me, now dressed in his own clothes rather than the flamboyant stage outfit I last saw him wearing. ‘Yeah. She is.’ I look back at Kira. ‘She’s beautiful.’
‘She’s fragile.’
He’s trying to tell me something, I get that. He’s warning me off, because he cares about her, and that’s fine. I’m happy she’s got people around her who love her; look out for her. ‘The last thing I want to do is hurt her.’
‘But you will. You’re hurting her now…’
‘I care about her, Joey…’
‘You don’t know her enough to care about her. You don’t know the first thing about her, what she’s been through; why she needs protecting.’
‘From men like me?’
‘Oh, honey, she’s been handling men like you for years.’
‘But she ain’t ever let one get this close, huh?’
He looks at me, and I can see in his eyes how much he loves her. He’s scared, and he wants this to stop, he wants me to back off, but I’m not gonna. I’m going nowhere, not unless Kira wants me to.
‘Don’t make her any promises, that’s all I’m asking.’
I lock eyes with him. ‘I wasn’t intending to.’ I can’t make him trust me. There isn’t time. I mean, I don’t even know if Kira trusts me. Trust isn’t a part of whatever the hell this is that me and her have.
‘Don’t let her fall for you. You might think there isn’t time for that to happen, but… Walking away now would be so much easier.’
Jesus. This guy isn’t intimidated by anything. ‘Does Kira know you’re over here interfering in her life?’
‘If I don’t interfere in her life it turns to shit.’
I can’t help but laugh, because the last thing I think Kira needs is a gay bodyguard. ‘She seems pretty switched-on to me.’
‘Like I said, you don’t know her.’
He turns and walks away, and I laugh again. What the hell was that?
‘What’s he been saying to you?’
Kira’s by my side now, all danced-out and breathless. I want her breathless beneath me, over me, up against a wall, I don’t care, as long as I’m pounding into her. ‘Sounding me out, is all.’
Her eyes narrow, and she looks over towards Joey. ‘What’s he been saying, Neal?’
‘Nothing, Kira. He’s just worried about you – about this.’
She turns to face me, but her expression is still wary. ‘He’s too much sometimes. Don’t take any notice of him. He thinks I need him to fight my battles, but I don’t. Not anymore.’
I’m not sure she meant to say that last bit out loud, but I throw her a smile and hold out my hand, which she takes, and I pull her closer, kissing the tip of her nose, which makes her laugh – a truly beautiful sound.
‘What are we doing, Neal?’
She isn’t laughing anymore, and I pull her closer still, touching her cheek, her skin warm beneath my fingertips. ‘We don’t have time to ask those kinda questions, Kira.’
I don’t miss the brief flicker of sadness that flashes across her eyes, and I feel like someone just kicked me hard in the stomach.
‘Maybe we should stop this,’ she whispers, and I feel that kick again, only harder this time.
‘No, Kira…’
‘It isn’t fair, Neal. On you, or me.’
‘We can do this, baby. A few days of fun, that’s all we knew it was gonna be.’
‘Are you having fun?’
I smile, and kiss her in that way I know she likes to be kissed – slow and deep, and she responds instantly. I feel her nipples harden against my chest as my tongue touches hers, her hands sliding down the back of my jeans… Damn right I’m having fun!
‘Are you?’ I ask, raising an eyebrow, and she smiles back.
I can turn this around. I can get this back to what it needs to be – just two people with some crazy attraction that needs feeding for the short time they have together. Then we go our separate ways. That’s all it was ever gonna be, and that’s all it ever can be.
I can turn this around…
Kira
I don’t know what Joey told Neal, but I’ll find out. I only know that something changed, back there in the club. Whatever it was I thought was happening with Neal, we need to pull back. I think it’s best. I’m still his every night until he leaves Newcastle. I’m still his. Every night. But this is a sex only deal. Anything else is off-limits, and I think we both know that’s for the best. I don’t know what his reasons are for being so closed off from emotion, and I don’t want to know. I can’t risk knowing too much about him because that’s dangerous. And he’ll never know why I’ve chosen this life I lead. Every night I’ll stay with him, and we’ll fuck until the sun comes up and that’s all we’ll do. I’m happy with that. I have to be.
I hear movement behind me and I turn to see him leaning against the doorpost, still fully clothed. I’m in a shorter-than-short nightdress. I’ve showered; washed the outside world off and turned myself into the unpaid whore I’ve now become for him.
I don’t say anything, I just watch as he comes towards me and I feel a million things I can’t explain all clash inside of me. My head’s all over the place, and I don’t know what to do. I really do think Joey was right now. This was a huge mistake. I should have stuck to my guns, taken that one night with Neal and said no to staying over. I’ve never been this weak, never let a man get to me like this, so, yeah, that’s what I should have done. But I didn’t. And now I’m here. And this is happening.
He stops in front of me, one hand in his pocket, the other reaching out to gently touch my cheek.
‘I can’t do it, Kira. I can’t fight it. I tried, but I can’t do it. And if you think you can then I want you to walk away. If you think you can fight this; if you can pretend you aren’t feeling – Jesus, I dunno – something, then I need you to go.’
I take his hand and curl my fingers tight around his, his words hitting home like the hardest blow to the heart. And I know now that, despite everything we’ve tried to do to stop this from happening, we’re still in the middle of something neither of us fully understands. And I can’t walk away. I can’t. I should, but I can’t. Because, at this very moment in time, I know that I would rather have a few, beautiful sex-filled nights with this man than turn my back on him, knowing I’ve just thrown that away because I’m scared of what’s going to happen when he’s gone. And I am. I’m scared, of what he’s really doing to me; of what I can’t face up to. Of what I thought I’d never, ever feel again.
The one reason I should walk away is the one reason I can’t.
Neal
I tried, Jesus! I tried to turn this around, but ten minutes back inside this room and I knew I couldn’t. It’s fucking exhausting, fighting these emotions, and I’m tired. She’s under my skin and no amount of pretending she isn’t is gonna change that. We’re just wasting time here, going backwards and forwards, trying to fight this shit when we should just let it happen. It’s crazy and wrong and terrifying, but she’s my living, breathing fantasy and I want her. For as long as I can have her, I want her.
‘I’m not going anywhere,’ she whispers, and I smile, sliding a hand up under the ridiculously short nightdress she’s almost wearing. We came back to this room thinking we were back to that first night – I’m her client and she’s my beautiful escort willing to do anything I want, and that’s still true, to some extent. But she’s so much more than just an escort now. She’s stirred up feelings I haven’t felt for so long, because I haven’t wanted to. I’ve deliberately stepped back from any shit that could pull me down, but this – this has shaken me.
I pull her close, because I just want to hold her. I want to feel her against me and remember how good it is to just hold someone. That crazy attraction is still there; something so powerful we really can’t fight it. And, yeah, I want to fuck her, of course I do, but for now, I just want to hold her.
She smells of lime and coconut and I bury my face in her hair as I keep her pressed against me, but my cock is winning this fight now, and she’s guessed that. She pulls back, just slightly, to give herself enough space to step out of the nightdress, leaving her naked and, man, my body is fucking screaming out for her now.
‘You want to play, Mr Cannon?’ she asks, sitting down on the window-sill and lifting her legs, spreading them wide, and I am dead. ‘Or am I doing this all by myself?’ She’s freaking killing me, and I don’t fucking care. The most beautiful woman in my world right now is naked, bar the stupidly-high stripper shoes, with her legs wide open, and she’s all mine. For now. Forever? If I could make that work I would try with every ounce of strength I had inside of me.
She’s mine, for now.
And that’s gonna have to do.
Eleven
Kira
For the first time in days I slept. Properly slept. We fucked all night and when neither of us could take any more I fell asleep in his arms, the sound of his heartbeat soothing me, comforting me, making me believe that, for a few more twisted nights, I could continue to live out some kind of normality. And when I woke, his arm was still holding me against him, and I could still hear his heartbeat, and I cried slow, silent tears for everything I know I can’t have.
Allure (Forbidden #1) Page 8
