‘Come here. Come on.’
I sit up and pull her between my legs, and she leans back against me, her head resting on my shoulder and for a few minutes we just sit there, together, saying nothing. It’s one in the morning, and I’m so tired I feel like I could sleep for a week but I’m scared to close my eyes now in case she runs. I’ve put pressure on her, and I don’t know if I’m pushing her too hard too soon but at the same time I know I can’t do this if she carries on as an escort. It’s too much, and I can’t do it.
‘Am I supposed to give you my answer now?’ she whispers, her fingers absent-mindedly stroking my knee as I draw my legs up around her like some kind of make-shift cocoon.
‘No,’ I murmur into the top of her head, kissing her hair, breathing her in. ‘No, you don’t.’
‘I’m still scared, Neal.’
‘So am I, baby. So am I.’
‘I thought I was OK, you know? I went back to work, and I got used to you not being around anymore. I’d committed you to memory; a beautiful experience I didn’t want to forget. And now you’re back.’
‘And that’s a bad thing?’
She shakes her head. ‘It’s just a shock. I don’t think I was really expecting to see you again. What happened with us, it was good. It was special. But I could never feel like it was real. I thought the second you were back in New York you’d just go back to living your life…’
‘You really thought that once I got home I’d just forget about you?’
‘What happened between us, Neal, it was so intense I don’t think we completely understood what was going on, past the sex.’
‘I needed to leave to know that I never should have. Does that make sense?’
‘Yes.’ She reaches back to touch my face and I take her hand, kissing her fingers. ‘It does.’
‘We can make this work, Kira. I promise you, with every beat of my fucking heart we can make this work.’
She leans further back against me and I hold her tight as her eyes close.
We need to sleep.
But I’m getting there.
I’m breaking her down.
And I’m starting to believe my own promises.
Kira
‘I’m not coming home, Joey. Not yet, anyway.’
‘Jesus, Kira, I thought we’d been through this…’
‘Neal’s here.’
There’s a slight pause as Joey takes in what I’ve just told him. ‘I thought he was back in New York?’
‘He was. And now he’s here.’
‘OK… but I thought you were both supposed to be… Why are you talking so quietly?’
‘I’m in the bathroom.’
‘And where’s he?’
‘In bed.’
‘Of course he is. So, what happened to this plan, then? The one where there was supposed to be no contact with each other until…’
‘Until we knew, Joey. The plan was to spend time apart to see if we still felt the same once we didn’t have that constant need for sex surrounding us. He still felt the same. He knew. And he’s back.’
‘OK. And, what was the first thing you did when you saw him?’
‘This isn’t a game, Joey.’
‘No, I know it isn’t, angel. When did he arrive?’
‘Last night… He was my second client.’
‘How many times have I told you to stop with the email bookings? The agency should be the only ones to handle emails Kira, you know that. I’ve pointed out the flaws of doing this on a personal level time and time again… unless, you’re happy he’s here. Are you happy he’s here?’
‘He’s in my bed, isn’t he?’
‘Doesn’t really answer my question, but… you still giving it to him for free?’
‘Jesus, Joey…’
‘Alright, but… Y’know, I have no idea what the hell is going on with you two, but whatever it is, it’s wearing me out.’
‘Yeah. Tell me about it.’
There’s another pause down the line, and I know it’s because he’s trying to work out my mood.
‘OK. Let’s put it this way. You’ve got what has to be the hottest – and I mean, the hottest man I have ever laid eyes on lying in your bed… He came all the way from New York, Kira.’ His voice changes, his tone calmer, kinder. He understands how I’m feeling. He knows I’m lost here. ‘The guy’s hardly had time to unpack and he’s back. Because of you. Doesn’t that tell you something?’
‘He’s given me an ultimatum, Joey.’
‘What kind of ultimatum?’
‘Him, or this life.’
‘And you’re actually thinking about that?’
‘I know this life, Joey. I don’t really know him.’
‘So get to know him. Look, we’re going round in circles here, Kira. You know how I feel about this.’
I lean back against the bathroom door and pull my knees up, closing my eyes for a second. ‘Joey, I am so attracted to that man, I can’t tell you. I mean, I can’t even look at him without wanting him, it’s that bad. But you can’t base a relationship on sexual attraction alone. That’s not a good foundation, surely.’
‘Isn’t it? And what’ve you got now, huh? What’ve you had in the past ten years? When was the last time you actually wanted to sleep with a man without money changing hands?’
He’s making my life sound so cheap, so sordid; so meaningless.
‘Neal is the first man you’ve wanted to sleep with, Kira. And you don’t need me to tell you that. He’s your breakthrough, angel. And it doesn’t matter where he came from, how you met, or how long you’ve known him. None of that matters, babe. He’s your breakthrough; your reason to walk away from everything you felt you needed to do to get over the crap Simon put you through. So you think hard, Kira. You think really hard.’
‘I’d better go.’ I don’t really know what to say now. I just feel like there’s so much to take in. ‘He’ll be awake soon.’
‘How long until you think you’ll be home?’
‘I don’t know. I really don’t know, Joey. I just think… maybe me and Neal… maybe we need some time on our own… I don’t know…’
‘Well, you keep me in the loop, y’hear? And don’t take too long to sort this out, OK? For two reasons. One, you don’t need to. And two, Bam-Bams is missing it’s fag hag.’
I smile and hang up, resting my head back against the door.
I don’t know what to do.
The most beautiful man I have ever known wants me, despite everything he knows I am.
And I don’t know what to do.
Neal
I can hear her talking, in the bathroom. I can’t make out what she’s saying because she’s keeping her voice down, but I can hear her. And she’ll be talking to Joey, but I’m kinda glad about that. Joey wants her out of this life as much as I do. I think I might have an ally in her best friend.
The bathroom door opens and part of me – my cock, mostly – prays that she’s naked. I dreamt about sex and I woke up wanting some. And yet, another part of me knows we can’t continue to fuck our way through this. But, man, that is such a big part of why I love her – that crazy-hot body; those legs I want wrapped around me permanently. But I know she’s beautiful inside, too. She’s bared her soul to me, as I have mine to her. So it’s gone way beyond just sex now, even though I know she’s still denying that, still fighting every reason why we’re still here, together.
‘You’re awake.’
She’s wearing my shirt, and she looks so much younger than she really is with her hair all piled up messily and that mask of make-up removed.
‘Yeah. I guess I am… Come here, come on.’
She straddles me, and I slide my hands up over her thighs until I grasp her hips. She’s naked under the shirt, and my cock reacts to that. What the hell else was it gonna do?
‘I still can’t believe you haven’t met even one woman who could stop Neal Cannon from sleeping with women like me,’ she whispers, her fingers lightly stroking my c
heek, her thumb running over my bottom lip.
I frown, because I hate it when she does this; when she puts herself down, pigeon-holes herself as something she isn’t. Something she doesn’t need to be. ‘Women like you?’
‘Escorts. Faceless women. Meaningless sex. All those years and you didn’t meet even one woman who made you want to start living again?’
‘Yeah. I met one.’ I kiss her slightly open mouth, and she melts into me and every crazy, wrong thing I feel for her; all those emotions, they collide and explode inside of me. ‘You.’
She smiles, and those fireworks shoot off in all directions again, knocking the breath right out of me. ‘You’re such a charmer, Mr Cannon.’
I return her smile, sliding the shirt back off her shoulders because I want her naked. I’ve seen her naked way more than I’ve seen her clothed, and every time it still kills me. I’ll never tire of seeing her naked. ‘It’s what I do, darlin’.’
She laughs quietly, and my stomach dips so low I can’t breathe.
‘Don’t you feel like something’s happening here, Kira?’
I watch her eyes, the way her expression changes, only slightly, but the fear is still there, I can see it. She still isn’t sure. I am. I’ve never been more sure of anything, but I think I might need some help now. I don’t know if I can do this on my own anymore.
‘Look, baby, if you want to go back to Newcastle…’
‘You’ll come too, won’t you?’
There it is. That one, tiny spark I needed to see, Jesus, did I need to see that! ‘Yeah. I’m coming too.’
Wherever she goes, I’m following.
I’m there.
And she better fucking believe that.
Kira
The way he says “Newcastle”, with that accent and those eyes that stare so deep into me I can’t catch my breath. I’m fighting a losing battle. Joey’s right. Neal Cannon is my reason to stop running from everything that scares me.
I smile, and he smiles too, and I feel my heart leap right up into my throat because his smile is the most beautiful thing.
‘I guess the fight ends here, baby,’ he whispers, his mouth almost touching mine and I give my stomach permission to flip over as many times as it wants to now. I’m done pretending this isn’t happening; done ignoring all the stuff going on inside my head. ‘The fight ends here.’
But I’m not sure I agree with him completely on that score.
I think the fight’s only just beginning.
Twenty-Three
Neal
It was a big thing for her, to let me into her own private space, her home. But I think we’re pushing a lot of barriers down now. We’re moving on, and no, the sex isn’t getting any less frequent or any less crazy but she’s mine now. I watched as she took down her profile, shut down her calendar, changed her phone number. But she hasn’t left the business completely. She’s still part of the agency. They didn’t really want to lose her, and she didn’t want to walk away and leave it all behind. She’s something of a mentor for the younger girls – for those coming into a business I used to think of as a necessity but now I’m struggling to get my head around. They want her to stay on, to keep an eye on some of the girls; help them. To what? Become her? Spend their lives meeting men like me in hotel rooms and rented apartments for an hour of the kind of sex they either can’t get at home, or the kind of sex I’d once wanted – sex without feeling, commitment or emotion. Empty sex.
‘You didn’t tell me it was your birthday?’
I swing around to see her standing in the doorway of the bedroom, and I want her so bad I feel the ache cut right across my chest. I’d forgotten it was my birthday. It’s not something I even think about anymore.
‘How did you find out?’
She smiles and walks over to me, straightening the collar of my shirt. I’m going out later. Thought I might pay a few of the clients I saw just a few weeks ago here in Newcastle a visit, do a little bit of following-up, make sure everyone’s happy. Kira’s meeting with a few of her fellow escorts so I’ve got a couple of hours to spare. ‘I’ve obviously got a better memory than you, Mr Cannon. You told me, remember? I told you mine, you told me yours, on one of those rare occasions when we attempted talking rather than fucking.’
The way she says “fucking” stirs my cock; the way her mouth forms the word as she looks into my eyes, but I’m OK with it all now because she’s done with the other men. The only one who gets to touch her like that is me.
‘We did that, huh?’ I grin, and she slides a hand around the back of my neck, pushing me down for a kiss that I return harder and stronger, holding her tight against me.
‘Yeah. We did that.’
She kisses me again, and I wish she wasn’t going to see those girls today. I know she’s pulled her profile; I know she’s stopped seeing other men. And I know I can’t ask her to give up everything she is; everything she was. But it’s a link I’d rather she didn’t still cling on to.
‘Happy Birthday, Mr Cannon,’ she whispers, her mouth resting against mine and I close my eyes and breathe her in. ‘And when you get home this afternoon, I’m going to give you a present I think you’re really, really going to like.’
She’s got my cock on red alert again. ‘You got nothing for me now, huh?’
Her mouth twists up into the sexiest smirk and I swear if she doesn’t lose her panties and open those legs I am gonna come anyway, and it’s gonna be one hell of a waste.
‘You want a hint?’
‘Anything you got, baby.’
We can’t stop it. We can’t. And maybe this insane, out-of-bounds attraction we have won’t last forever, but isn’t that all the more reason to take it now? While it’s here and it’s strong and it’s telling me I need her so fucking bad.
I watch as she slides a hand up under her dress and tugs down her panties, stepping out of them as soon as they hit the floor and I’m unzipped and ready before she’s even had time to lean back against the doorpost.
I’m in her like I’ve not been there in months, thrusting hard and fast because we both know this isn’t gonna last long. This is a relief fuck; nothing more than that. So neither of us care that I’m coming within minutes, her legs tightening around me as I cry out, her fingers digging into my shoulders and back causing a pain that only heightens the feeling.
‘Jesus, Kira… You really are killing me, darlin’.’
She unwraps her legs from my hips and stands up, her arms still loose around my neck. ‘Well, try and stay alive until later, OK? You’ve still got your present to get, remember?’
There’s a look in her eyes that I can’t read, but it’s making me smile and that’s good. We’re finally getting somewhere.
We might only be at the start of this journey, but as I’d held her close and fucked her quickly; felt her legs around me and her muscles gripping me tight, I know exactly where I want us to end up.
Kira
I can’t walk away completely. I still need some control. And that’s why I’m staying a part of the agency. Why I want to continue to look after the girls who, for whatever reason, feel the need to do what I did for ten years. If they really want to live this life, even if it’s only for a short space of time, then I want to be there to teach them the tricks, show them how they can give these men the best experience; how they can make it work for them. If they really want to do it then I want them to stay safe.
‘So, how’s life as a Madam treating you, then?’
I throw Joey a look as he slides into the seat opposite me at the restaurant we’ve arranged to meet in for lunch.
‘You and Benni OK?’ I ask, ignoring his comment. He’s just in a mood because I haven’t left the business completely.
‘We’re fine, thank you. Everyone has their creative differences, and we had a very small one last night. It’s done now. It’s over.’ He waves his hand in a dismissive manner and fixes me with a look. ‘So, you’ve let Mr Beautiful into your home – sorry, our home; you
’ve taken down your profile, almost retired from the business…’ He smiles up at the handsome young waiter who’s pouring our wine, not missing the chance to flirt, despite the fact he’s practically married now. ‘Things are moving forward, then?’ He turns his attention back to me, and I take a sip of wine, stalling for a moment before I reply.
‘Things are going OK, Joey, yes. But he’s been back from New York three days. That’s all. There’s still a lot to get our heads around.’
‘Listen, angel, he got you to finally see sense and close those beautiful legs to everyone but him. I’d call him a miracle worker.’
I roll my eyes and take another drink. ‘He didn’t get me to do anything, Joey. I did all of that because I wanted to, alright?’
‘But you didn’t want to cut those ties completely, huh?’
I look down into my wine. ‘No. I didn’t.’ I raise my gaze to meet Joey’s. ‘I still want to keep a small part of who I am… I need to hold on to that, Joey. Do you understand?’
He shrugs and picks up the menu, opening it and scanning it slowly. ‘I suppose so.’ He looks straight at me, and I keep eye contact as I take another drink. I need to slow down, though. I don’t want to be too light-headed when I get home. Neal still needs his present, and I let my stomach do a little dance as I think about what’s to come. ‘You have stopped seeing other men, though, haven’t you, Kira?’
‘Yes, Joey, I have. I no longer go on dates or fuck for money, OK?’
‘Such a crude mouth on you sometimes. And to think I let you kiss me with that.’
I throw him a sideways smile, and he winks at me. I love Joey so much. And I’m not sure I’d be sitting here right now with a new, albeit still uncertain future ahead of me without him. I’d needed him to push me in the right direction otherwise I probably would have stayed running.
Allure (Forbidden #1) Page 20
