“Yeah.” I paused. “And fuck no.”
Sierra laughed softly.
She didn’t push. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to. I knew even if it took me a fucking hour to find my balls and spit this out, she’d still be right there beside me, waiting.
I compiled an ordered list in my head. High points. Low points. Problem was, they were all low points.
Quit stalling and man up.
It took two tries before I forced the words out. “I freaked out because I’ve never spent the entire night in bed with another person.”
“Never?”
“Never.”
“Not even as a kid?” she asked.
“Nope. Even with the shitty places we lived with my mom, I never shared a bed with my brother or sister.”
“You shared a bedroom with them?”
“Yeah. I spent plenty of nights in a sleeping bag on the floor.”
“What about during sleepovers with friends?”
I released a bitter laugh. “I didn’t have friends. On purpose, so no one knew how fucked up my home life was with my drugged-out mother. The closest I came to a sleepover was on the rare occasion I stayed with Aunt Carolyn or my uncles Chet and Remy.”
Sierra didn’t say anything. That’s when I noticed she’d started sweeping her thumb across the back of my hand, down to the bone in my wrist and back up. Maybe she wasn’t conscious of the constant movement. Maybe it was a way of calming herself. But that tender touch soothed me. Or maybe she knew I needed a connection to her, however small.
Back to supposing. Back to stalling. You started this, finish it.
I inhaled and exhaled, trying to stop my heart from racing like a trapped rabbit’s.
“Then I moved in with my dad and had my own room and a double bed. Man. I loved having all that space to stretch out in. The last thing I wanted was to share that with anyone. Even temporarily.”
“So your high school hookups?”
“Didn’t happen there.”
“I drove past your house once.” She paused. “Okay, more than once, but less than a hundred times. I always hoped you might be outside working on your motorcycle when I passed by and I could act all innocent. ‘Oh, Boone, you live here? I didn’t know that. But since I’m in the neighborhood…’”
I allowed a small smile at that image because that was exactly how the Sierra I’d known would’ve played it. “What happened after the ‘Since I’m in the neighborhood’ scenario?”
“In my sixteen-year-old fantasy world? We made out like crazy. I think I let you touch my boobs.”
I groaned. “Goddamn you had a nice rack. I tried so fucking hard not to stare at it.” I brought our joined hands to my mouth and kissed her knuckles. “You still have an outstanding rack, baby.”
“And now you can touch it any time you want.”
Silence settled between us again.
When I didn’t speak, Sierra prompted me. “So you had your own bed at your dad’s. After that?”
“In the army I had a cot. Or occasionally a bunk bed. Never had to share. Actually, we weren’t allowed to share.”
“I’ll just ask this straight up. You are fucking hot as hell, Boone West. You didn’t lack female attention when you were in high school and I doubt a healthy, sexy, young, buff, gorgeous soldier chose celibacy.”
“I chose hookups. Which I told you. Always at her place so I could leave after. Yeah, I was that fucking douchebag ‘one and done’ guy.”
“There’s no judgment, so don’t get testy.”
I blew out a breath. “Sorry. It’s just hard to admit, to you of all people, that I’ve never done the whole cuddle, snuggle thing except while waiting for my dick to get hard. I fucked, then I went back to my place. Alone. Every time.”
“Hence the ‘no shampoo bottles in the shower’ reality,” she said.
“Yeah.”
“So you don’t do the whole cuddle, snuggle thing longer than necessary to get laid…because you don’t like it?”
“Being with you the last couple of hours? That’s the longest it’s ever been for me.” I held myself rigid, intending to pull away the instant I detected any pity.
Sierra just groaned. “You probably felt smothered because I am a very friendly sleeper. Sorry about that.”
She’d apologized to me because I’d bailed? As easy as it’d be to let that stand, I wasn’t one to blame others for my shortcomings. “Christ, Sierra. Don’t apologize. You need to know these weird things about me so you don’t think any of it has to do with you. That I’m fucked up.”
When she didn’t immediately respond, my leg started to bounce with nerves.
Sierra placed her hand around the top of my quad and squeezed—harder than I expected. It wasn’t harsh, but it did remind me to stay focused. “As long as you’ve opened this door, Boone, you need to take me through it all the way. Because I’ll be honest with you, I like the whole cuddle, snuggle thing. I want that with you. Not just after you fuck me, but when we’re watching TV, or like this if we’re just lounging by the pool. Earlier you said you can show me how you feel about me when we’re naked and our body parts are connected.”
I couldn’t help but grin at her vague reference to body parts.
“But shoving your dick in me is not the only way to show me that you care. I’m affectionate, so you’ll just have to deal with that.”
And here was the moment of truth. “And if I don’t know how?”
“How what? How to deal with me being affectionate?”
“Yeah. I’ve never had that.”
“You’ve never had what? Affection?”
“Drop the confetti and sound the alarm—we have a winner. Just don’t expect a hug as the prize for guessing correctly.” That didn’t make me sound like an emotionally stunted asshole at all. Jesus.
“I’m confused. So cut the sarcasm and talk to me.”
My Sierra. Patient and understanding…until my flip response forced her not to be.
She deserves better.
No kidding. Why the fuck had I even started talking about this? Did I want to chase her away?
“Boone,” she said sharply.
“It’s another fucked-up thing in my life to add to the others.”
“Tell me.”
“Junkie mom. Aloof dad. They both resented me and neither of them liked me much. So they didn’t bother faking affection. They yelled at me, or in my mom’s case, she beat on me, but did either one of them ever give me a hug? Nope.”
She let that sink in before she murmured, “Never?”
“Never. Not once. And this isn’t something I’d exaggerate, because who the fuck wants to admit that to anyone?” Before Sierra asked if I’d ever confessed this to anyone else, I kept talking. “My mother was ‘drugs not hugs.’ Bad thing about her being high was she didn’t give a damn about eating so I went hungry. The good thing about her being high was she didn’t take out her bad mood for not being high by beating the crap out of me.”
“And your dad?”
“He wasn’t around until he had no choice but to take me in. So he’s too fucking macho for that hugging shit. He couldn’t even give me a half-assed bro hug when I graduated from basic. It was the norm with him and I didn’t realize it was…abnormal until I had this weird fever dream during a visit to the ER. In my dream all these dads and sons were on this big baseball diamond, slapping each other on the back. High fiving. Hugging. And me and Dad were in the bleachers watching, not looking at each other. That’s when I noticed Dad didn’t have any arms.”
“Whoa. Heavy shit, Boone.”
“It wasn’t a drug-induced hallucination, just a fucked-up glimpse into my psyche. The total lack of emotion or affection would make me a textbook example of why Freddy sets fires or why Billy is a bully, except I didn’t let it become a thing. I didn’t let it define me or use it as an excuse. But from an early age I was adept at slipping lies into conversation so my shitty life was explainable instead of
“Sounds…rough.”
I couldn’t look at her. And I closed my own eyes as if it’d keep me from looking inside myself.
After a few moments passed, Sierra said, “While I’m grateful you told me all of this, I want to know what it means for us.”
“It means I don’t know how to be the normal kind of guy…boyfriend…whatever. The hand-holding, cuddling-up, sleeping-together-all-night, Netflix-and-chill type. That’s part of why I freaked out. I’d started to feel that I don’t have anything more to offer you now than I did seven years ago.”
My breath left my belly when Sierra climbed on top of me. I could feel us chest to chest. Her face was so close to mine her breath drifted across my lips.
“Boone West, you look at me right now.”
My heart hammered when I peeled my eyes open.
I expected to see pity on her face; instead I saw ferocity that brought my heart into my throat. “The only difference between us is I’ve had my family show me love and let me love them back. You haven’t. That is not your fault.”
This understanding about the things that formed me, without judgment, without pity…this was my definition of love.
I studied her. This woman who fucking owned me. “Sierra. I don’t know how to do this.”
“What?”
“Love.” My hand and my voice shook when I touched her face. “The other reason I freaked out? What if what I want from you is too much? Everything you are, everything I am when I’m around you…that’s the life I want with you. It’s always been you.”
Shock flashed in her eyes, followed by recognition. She whispered, “You knew. That’s what you meant the night you kissed me. You told me if we’d been together the way you wanted, you wouldn’t have been able to walk away from me.”
“It wasn’t a bullshit line. You scared the hell out of me, Sierra. Without thought, without knowing what it meant to me, you gave me a small taste of your affection—and we were just friends. I’d never had that and I almost couldn’t wrap my head around the fact it could be better.” I traced the arc of her cheekbone with my thumb. “Tonight proved that wrong. Jesus, woman. I…” I paused. Breathed. “I’m at a loss to even find words for how everything shifted in my world tonight.”
“Mine too.”
“Neither of us would’ve been ready for that seven years ago. Everything in my life was a struggle. You deserved more than a broke, broken kid. You probably deserve more than me now, but I’ve thrown it all down for you tonight. Everything I’ve never told another soul.”
“I’ll be honest…you have utterly wrecked me tonight.”
I waited for her to explain or act very Sierra-like and offer me reassurance. But she didn’t. I’d had years to process this; she’d need more than five minutes, so I forced myself to let it go. For now.
Finally she said, “We have a history and like you mentioned that first day in my office, it wasn’t all bad. I just never understood how deeply the good parts affected you. This is the start over point for us, Boone.” She swallowed hard.
Point for my girl for keeping it together. Because if she started to cry, Christ, I would too. I cradled her face in my hands and locked my gaze to hers. “I’m all in with you, Sierra. All. Fucking. In.”
She turned her head and kissed my wrist, nuzzling her cheek into it with a sigh. “That right there, Boone. The way you reached for me without thinking? That is affection. You do things like that around me all the time—you always have.”
I did? Get the fuck out. Maybe I wasn’t entirely hopeless.
“And you’re always messing with my hair, which hits all the sweet, sexy and possessive buttons. You watch me closely.” She smirked. “I’m not talking about the way you leer at my ass. But how you study my face, my eyes, my body language. As if you want to provide me with whatever I need—before I even know I need it. I’ll be honest…you were right to challenge me that I’d always known you’d felt more for me than friendship. Sometimes I used to catch you looking at me like…”
“Like you were a work of art that I wanted to lock away because no one would ever appreciate your rare beauty like I would?”
“Sweet talk and dirty talk coming from this sexy mouth… Not sure which one I like better.” She brushed her lips across mine with deliberate seduction. “And speaking of sexy…tonight when you were on your knees with your mouth on me, the hungry sounds you made, the words you said, the way you used that wicked tongue…knocked my entire world off its axis.” Her body trembled. “Sex wasn’t just a game changer for us, but a life changer. It opened all of this up, things you wouldn’t have told me before. Seven years ago I wasn’t ready for you—for this—and neither were you.”
My eyes searched hers. “But now?”
“Now? We go forward and learn how to be all fucking in together.”
I brought her mouth to mine and kissed her from the depths of my soul.
When our bodies started arching and moving together, searching for that ultimate connection, I said, “Bed, now,” against her lips.
Sierra slid down my body, planting kisses on my chin, on my throat, on my collarbone and finally placing a warm, soft, lingering kiss on the left side of my chest that I felt through the skin and muscle, straight to my heart.
We were in a dream-like state weaving through the dark house, hand in hand. Landing on the twisted sheets in a tangle of arms and legs, kissing and touching. Eager, yet still patient enough not to push the pace.
So when I finally levered myself over her, our skin damp and marked with love bites, our mouths swollen, her hair tangled and spread out on the pillow in a swath of dark silk as she writhed in eagerness, all I could think was mine.
Her eyes were closed as I teased the head of my cock between her legs.
“Sierra.”
“Mmm?”
“Look at me.”
“But I want to stay in this slow and dreamy state. In this cocoon.” She turned her head to the side, offering me her throat.
“I want your eyes on mine.”
Sierra did look at me then. “Why?”
“Because I get off watching them when I do this.” I plowed into her with one fast snap of my hips.
Her back bowed up and she gasped. And came right away.
Hard not to feel cocky about that.
I continued to watch her as I fucked her slowly. Every time she looked away, I said, “Eyes on me.”
Her face softened. “Boone.” She touched my throat. “This is real.”
My arms shook. My gut rippled. My ass cheeks ached.
“I promise if you close your eyes and reopen them I’ll still be here.”
How had she known that was my fear? That this was all just a dream?
“Let go. Take what you need.”
“I have what I need. You.” But fuck if my balls weren’t boiling with the need to come.
Sierra put both hands on my chest. “Stop. Back up.”
Pushing to my knees, breath heaving in and out of my lungs, I watched as she scooted to the side of the bed.
Wearing that sassy smile, she beckoned me over. “New position. But after this, we’ve gotta give it a rest because I’m getting chafed.”
I glanced down at my dick and my knees. Both a little red. I’d put up with a lot of soreness if I could stay buried in that tight pussy all night, but her being chafed was a different story. Leaning over, I kissed her, a slow tangling of tongues and sweet licks and nibbles. “If you’re too sore, I can stop.”
“No. I just want to try this.” Her cold feet landed on my belly and she inched her toes up my torso. “With my legs on your shoulders.”
My inner beast roared a “fuck yeah” snarl and I pulled her up higher. My cock homed in on her pussy almost without my assistance and I slid back inside.
Sierra reached for my hands and pulled me down. “Rest your weight on me.”
Damn. That felt good.
I kept a slow pace until Little Miss Position Changer said, “Stop,” again.
“What?”
“We’re taking a break after this, so maybe you’d better make this one count.”
She was seriously telling me how to fuck her?
Of course she was.
I loved that—even when it sort of annoyed me.
So I lowered her heels to the mattress and dropped to my knees.
“What are you doing?”
“Making this one count. Any objections? You have another position in mind?”
No surprise that she didn’t offer suggestions.
Only after I made her come with my mouth did I return to making love to her.
Her soft sighs were as satisfying as her gasps and groans. Her gentle touches and melting kisses were what I needed.
After I poured myself into her again and my mouth was tasting the sweet flavor of passion on her skin, she whispered, “I want you in my bed all night, Boone. But if you need…space. There’s a blanket on the couch in the living room.”
“Thanks. But I’ll be fine right here.”
Boone slept in my bed all night. Not entwined with me but I’d just been happy to wake up and find him still there.
Although it’d been a late night, I wasn’t one for sleeping in.
Before I tiptoed out of my bedroom, I tucked the covers around Boone’s shoulders. I wanted to smooth my hand over the nape of his neck and kiss his forehead, but I wouldn’t chance waking him.
I grabbed my exercise clothes. I used a corner of the extra family room for a workout space—I’d never be a toned gym-rat, but I did feel healthier if I worked up a sweat. After setting the program on the elliptical for forty-five minutes, I hit shuffle on my iPod and did my time in hell.
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