The ash glowed when Claudia sucked her enameled cigarette holder. She looked at Sarah through lowered eyelashes, thinking about where to begin. This is all or nothing but can I do it? She watched Sarah’s simple diamond pendant glitter in the candlelight and then raised her glance to Sarah’s eyes, where she saw openness and compassion. I will tell her, Claudia decided. I will tell my story because I may never have another chance. I can’t carry the pain around anymore; I feel like a war refugee.
She exhaled slowly and began. “All right, it happened when I was nineteen. We Romans have our customs for presenting eligible women to the right men. Our families give selective parties, and the men know they’ve been invited to view a daughter. The parents think they are in control of the girls because they select the men. Once a girl is ready, they start with the most eligible bachelors and go down the list until a few accept the invitation. Of course in a Catholic country, to get a rich husband a girl must be a virgin, so my parents watched me day and night. These parties are seduction opportunities, since avoiding marriage as long as possible is a game for wealthy Roman men. Well, why not? I first saw Armando at a party given by my great-aunt, Amanda Castiglione, a dear friend of the Pierleonis. I was excited because he is old Roman aristocracy. He took my breath away.” She sighed. “Oh Sarah, you should have seen him when he was twenty!
“Of course, I wasn’t playing by my dear aunt’s rules; I just wanted to have sex with somebody. When Armando handed me a glass of champagne and searched my eyes as if he was seeking my soul, he knew. I sensed danger when his eyes flashed red like the eyes of a snake; I should have paid attention. Being a stupid young girl, I ignored my first impression because he was so handsome. He asked if he could pick me up in a few nights. Of course, I said yes.”
Claudia’s eyes were far away as she remembered. “He arrived at my parent’s house with carnations for my mother and a gold embossed Pierleoni family crest card for my father. They were thrilled he was interested in me, since he is from an ancient lineage. After greetings were exchanged, they said goodnight to us as we went out the front door. It was my first time alone with a man; I was so excited! My mother told me nothing about sex so all I had to go on was French novels. And my father paid no attention to Armando’s notorious reputation because he was very rich. He asked me if I’d like to have a walk in the back garden of his ancestral house in Rome. Everybody knows about the Pierleoni walled garden, since they have owned it for a thousand years. I suppose you’ve been there, Sarah?” Sarah nodded but remained silent, encouraging Claudia to go on. “What harm could come from walking in the garden with a Pierleoni scion?” Claudia laughed bitterly.
“We passed through the old rounded stone gate as I wondered why he hadn’t first shown me the house. Perhaps he thought I’d be nervous about going in if no one was at home? We strolled among beautiful exotic pruned trees, aromatic flowering plants, and lovely small ponds. I was especially taken with an ancient cedar as we sat on a white marble bench. When he put his arm around me, I thought being with him was the meaning of my life! We got up and walked around in circles; the entire garden is a labyrinth. I shared the ritual with him as if he were Pan or the Green Man. All the while he led me closer to a stone cottage with mottled leaded glass windows and a thick ancient mossy slate roof. I asked him if it was the cottage of the original vineyard? He laughed, putting his arm around my waist, and I smelled his body. I was so innocent and so attracted to him.”
Claudia slowly exhaled a mouthful of smoke, her eyes filled with nostalgia for the young girl she had been. “I just wanted to have sex with somebody to see what it felt like. What I was doing felt right; it was my time. I am amazed still that my mother didn’t teach me how to protect myself.” Claudia looked over to Sarah to see deep sadness in her eyes, a faraway look of pain and concern. Sarah tried to break in, but Claudia protested, “No, no! Let me go on, I must.”
Claudia began to speak more quickly. “He led me into a small front room with a little table and chairs by a window in a small kitchen. A heavy oak door with iron hinges that seemingly led into another room was closed. He pointed at the table; I sat down. He brought me a delicious red wine, a Pierleoni vintage, and a small plate of luscious Belgium chocolates. We talked about Rome and our families. He acted like he was impressed by the Tagliatti Company, as if I were something. He moved me relentlessly along by touching my thighs and pulling his hand higher to reach my hips with his thumb pressing into my sacrum close to my groin. His hands are big, so this was very sexy. All the while his eyes burned into mine while my body coursed with intense fire! I was taught by the nuns to never touch myself, so a latent nervous system was waking up! I drank in his eyes as he stood up and pulled me to him, grabbing my butt. I still remember desperately searching his eyes, wondering what he wanted yet I knew I would stay. He pressed his body against mine and I got hot. He was continually looking into my eyes, searching for something. ‘What are you looking for, what are you asking for?’ I said.
Pierleoni garden and cottage
“He pushed away from me, laughing, which made me want to kiss his sensual mouth. He lowered his voice and spoke in this hoarse voice, sounding like the hero in a movie saying I was the only woman left in the world: ‘I want to know what you want. Your eyes are beautiful, like deep pools at the bottom of a jungle waterfall. With your young, hungry body, you are a lioness. You are innocent and don’t know how sensual you are. I want to know if you want all of it. Tell me!’”
Claudia lip’s twisted in a half-smile. “Of course at that point, I thought he was wondering if I wanted all of his penis. Since I’d never seen one, I wasn’t sure I did. I needed him to reassure me about what we were going to do to help me feel like it was right.”
“Claudia,” Sarah broke in, “Are you sure you want to tell me all of this? You don’t have to, you know.”
Claudia waved her hand at Sarah. “Oh, but I need to tell you; I need to tell you more than you know. If I don’t share this story with at least one other person, I will die.” I sure can’t share it with another Roman, she thought. “You and I have talked a lot about what we’re feeling during these crazy end times! Well, I am up against a wall. The things I’ve stuffed deep inside are eating my soul. I have to get them out because I am living a lie; nobody knows me. I have built an elaborate façade around myself with my apartment and business. Can you listen and accept me? Can you take it?”
“Okay, Claudia, go ahead,” Sarah replied in a warm and genuine voice, understanding that Claudia would never be able to tell her story to a Roman. This gossipy city is a dangerous place where honesty is gauche, truth a joke. “I think I can handle whatever you need to tell me.” Sarah had offered her one more chance to back out. Maybe it would be just another intellectual rant, one topic to the next, but Claudia sounded dreadfully serious.
“I answered him very smartly by saying I wasn’t stupid and knew exactly what he was after when he brought me here tonight. I was breathing heavily while I said it as he fingered my tailbone pressing his hand between my legs. One of his hands crept under my suede miniskirt as he removed my blouse with his other hand, tearing off the top button. I wanted it to go on forever. ‘You are beautiful like a jaguar or an ocelot. Our bodies are perfectly matched as cat people from Sirius. You are the one I’ve been looking for, the one to take all of me as no one ever has before,’ he said in a deep and masculine voice.
“‘But surely you’ve had sex with a woman before,’ I said, feeling disappointed because I wanted my first lover to be very experienced.
“‘Sweet one, I’ve been having sex since I was twelve and plan to have it until I’m ninety. I am talking about something very special that I have never enjoyed before. Do I have your permission?’ he said as he kneaded my ass intensely and breathed on my neck. I burned as if in a high fever. It sounds like a cliché, but my temperature must have been 106! I felt dizzy and drugged; I wonder whether he’d slipped something into my wine. Could anyone nearby hear me? I was afraid bec
ause my body was making me lose my mind. He pulled me against him, tightly pulling my pelvis to his and I felt his manhood. I was passing out like a robot running out of juice.
“‘Come little sweet one,’ he said, leading me over to the mysterious dark door. He got a scarf or something and tied it firmly over my eyes; it was soft like cashmere. We went into the room; I couldn’t see anything. He took my brassiere off while kissing me with his tongue down my throat, making me wild and wet between my thighs. He reached down to touch me after he’d gotten my skirt and panties off, and he groaned. ‘Maybe I will change my plans,’ he said, massaging my pubis, stroking my clitoris, and penetrating my vagina with his fingers. I had no idea what he was talking about, no way to know. Oddly at that moment I remember wishing my mother would come for me. Subliminally I knew something.
“Then he got weird, very weird when my body quelled and I went rigid. He detected resistance and wariness, so he pushed me forcefully onto a bed on my stomach and grabbed my shoulders hard. I said I didn’t understand what he was doing. Then his voice got mean. ‘You said you wanted it. You can’t tempt a man and go back on your word. You could make me angry, very angry. We don’t make Armando angry.’ I froze and stayed where he put me with my mind racing insanely. I could hear something, like the twisting of fabric or leather at the bed corners that made me nervous. He tied my wrists and pulled them to the corners while rasping in my ear, ‘You will love this, little one; it is the best.’ I had no idea what he was talking about. Can you believe that? He tied my ankles and pulled my legs tight, and I hurt with my crotch spread as wide as possible. I felt such awful vulnerability, hearing grunting sounds, animal sounds. There I was exposed and all splayed out like a cheap whore! Still I didn’t know what was going on, so I asked him to tell me what he was doing! He said in a snarling voice, ‘You will know in a moment, so don’t worry. All that matters is you will love it.’ I heard him unzip his pants and I heard them crumple on the floor. I heard something swishing on the floor.” Claudia seemed unaware she had completely crushed the cigarette in her fingers. She looked at Sarah pleadingly. “Sarah, I was terrified!
“He rubbed me all over my back with an essential oil that smelled delicious, maybe ylang ylang. He rubbed my arms, my breasts, and then he rubbed oil all over my legs while his hands slowly moved over my thighs closer to my ass. The oil made me feel sensual, and suddenly fire shot through my body. There was nothing I could do to stop it, the bastard! He said, ‘You want it now, don’t you, beautiful one? It’s your time tonight! The back of your body is incredible; you are a gazelle.’ I thought of how long I’d waited to be taken, how I’d wanted to be forcefully seduced so that I couldn’t resist like in French novels. So I felt myself weakening, a sickening feeling, and then I felt his greasy finger in my anus penetrating me.”
Quickly, though Claudia was talking very fast, Sarah broke in again. “Claudia, you don’t have to go on. I get the point. You don’t have to give me all the details. I understand what happened. Let’s stop so we can deal with how much this hurt you when you were so young and innocent. It was natural to respond. You have nothing to feel guilty about.”
Claudia dropped her broken cigarette in the ashtray and fixed Sarah with a commanding stare. “Oh yes, I do have to go on, because you don’t know what he did; somebody has to know or I can’t bear it. I wish it were as simple as you think it is, but it is not.” She paused for a moment, and then she started again like a train pushing to its destination. “He massaged me and prepared me with grease, and he penetrated me with his rock-hard, huge penis. The burning pain was incredible. I whimpered and objected, but the more I struggled the more he hurt me. He kept pushing, then pulling back, and then moving in deeper, thrusting into my stretched anus. He got in and took total control of me. Then while gripping my left hip hard, he rained blows on my back and buttocks with a leather strap. He lashed me like a horse!” She saw Sarah open her mouth and snapped, “Do not interrupt me, Sarah! I have to get this out.” At this point tears were pouring down Claudia’s face. Sarah was shaking and wondered if she could take it. This is hideous, yet I feel such love for her. I have to listen to her ugly story.
“He kept plunging in and whipping me harder and harder while whispering in my ear that he could do it till I came. He moved his hand to my throat, rasping and spitting, ‘Come on, baby, come; you can do it. You are my lioness.’
“Then something started to happen in my body, and you have to understand that I had only read about orgasms; I had never felt that sensation or had anyone explain this to me. My back and hips burned from the blows, with blood rushing to the wounds. I synchronized my breath to his rhythmic thrusting because if I didn’t breathe with him, I choked. He was strong like a monster! Finally, my anus didn’t hurt anymore. A pleasurable thickening sensation started at the bottom of my spine as my vulva swelled because he was fingering me while thrusting in and out screeching, ‘Yes, baby, Yes!’ I arched when my vagina convulsed, hot energy filled my groin and thighs, and then fire moved out in a great wave into my arms and legs to my fingers and toes. I screamed! He lurched heavy on me, groaning in agony as he shot me with semen. Then he collapsed down beside me. It was over, but I couldn’t move because I was tied. I was in shock and confusion. I didn’t understand until later it was because he’d stolen my soul.
“He got out of bed and shuffled around doing something, maybe putting on clothes. I could hear water running. He untied my ankles and wrists, told me the bathroom was ready, and he left the room. I hurt all over but somehow I washed myself and got dressed. Sobbing as if I could never stop, I walked into the other room and said in an angry, blubbering voice, ‘What was that?! How could you do that?!? Are you an animal, a dog in heat? What is wrong with you, Armando? I’m going to tell my father.’
“‘Oh no, you won’t, sweet one,’ he said. I will never forget his sickening cynical voice. He said, ‘If anybody ever finds out what we did—Claudia’s orgasm—you will be nothing. I got you and if you tell them and they take you to the doctor, you are still a virgin. You won’t get pregnant. You won’t be able to tell them where I put it because you will be too embarrassed. I got you, you’ve been taken, Claudia, our delicious little secret. If you will be a good girl, next time I will do it the way you want it if you are on birth control, and maybe you’ll like it even more. I got you, Claudia, and I can have you anytime I want.’”
Claudia’s terrible story left Sarah feeling re-traumatized. What is wrong with men? How could anybody do that to a young woman, like a Fallen Angel raping a woman? Do demons waiting to possess women lurk in male genes? How far would Armando go to turn himself on? “Claudia, I am so sorry. I could say it so many ways. How did you ever get over it? Why are you still alive and sitting here tonight?” She looked at Claudia, who was staring pleadingly into her eyes.
“Sarah, can you come to me and hold me for a moment? It has been wonderful to get this out of my soul. You’ve helped me by being able to listen to me. Come hold me.”
Sarah got up to sit beside Claudia, placing Claudia’s head on her heart. “There now, this wasn’t your fault, there was no way you could have known. Your mother didn’t protect you when she should have. I’m here for you. I will always be your friend. I love you, Claudia, for your magnificent strength, the essence of feminine power. I want to learn more from you. It is a privilege to know you.”
Delicious relief washed through Claudia. She felt her soul return; she felt good about herself again. “Sarah, I have to finish this so that I can let it all go. I think you are aware that we have two lower energy centers or chakras, the root chakra and the sexual chakra? The root chakra is in the anus, our physiological connection with the first dimension, the center of Earth. Our second chakra, the sexual chakra, connects us to the telluric realm, which is why sex can be like an earthquake or a volcano. The rape forced me to comprehend things most people can’t fathom: I’m very sensitized to the first dimension, Earth’s core. I think people ravage Earth because they f
eel guilty about this part of their bodies!”
The idea intrigued Sarah, so she broke in. “Surely there are other ways people can sensitize themselves to this part of their body and the Earth? Do you think people would stop destroying the planet if this chakra was not abused?”
Back to her normal mental mode, Claudia sat up straight, gently disengaging herself from Sarah’s arms. “I think so, Sarah. I feel sure that things would at least be better. In light of what I had to endure while I was Armando’s lover for ten years, I had to learn from it. I never liked it but it taught me things. But you’re right, we don’t have to learn through trauma—we can also sensitize ourselves by feeling the earth, being in nature. Observing the world through my somewhat tainted view, since my awakening began in this forceful way, I’ve noticed the worst destroyers are abusive and homophobic men, especially those who cannot come to terms with who they truly are—those who marry as a cover, those who are religious, righteous, and cruel because they feel guilty about what they do or want to do in private. Abusive and repressed men are amoral and vicious because they have not found a way to have sex without guilt. They cannot admit who they are. Men who repress their feminine aspects and over-emphasize their masculine aspects become men who hurt, force, and dominate. They get turned on when others suffer, like the profile of a priest who rapes children.
“I never wanted this form of sex. I don’t care what anybody else is doing, but I know what I want. After ten years, I told Armando to go do it to a man if he wanted it that way, and then I dumped him. My last words to him were, ‘If you like it so much then go out and find a guy who will do it to you. See if you like what you dish out before you fuck another man or woman in the ass.’ He’d never let anybody do it to him, so he’s stuck between worlds. He’s just another man who doesn’t know where the entrance to the sacred cave is. As you well know, he’s been on the loose abusing women because he’s too much of a coward to deal with his own distorted masculine aspect and his repressed feminine aspect. And I think repressed sexual guilt such as his is what causes humans to abuse our planet.”
Revelations of the Ruby Crystal Page 33
