by Kyra Lennon
It really was beautiful.
“So, what do you think?”
I jumped at the sound of Lucy’s voice. She stood behind me, eyebrows raised. The hopefulness of her expression was both frustrating and amusing.
“Have you heard this?” I nodded towards the CD player.
“No. Jason told me I couldn’t see or hear until you did.”
“The lyrics are on the chair. Take a look.”
As Lucy scanned the words, a smile formed on her lips.
“You’re so lucky. This is fab! He wrote a song for you. I would love it if a guy did that for me.”
“Except he’s not my guy anymore.”
Lucy glanced at me over the top of the lyric sheet. “He could be if you do what Jason wants you to do.”
I sank to the floor. “It’s a terrible idea.”
“Why? Is there anything more romantic than someone you love singing for you? Come on, Ellie. They might be Drew’s lyrics but they fit you, too. You know what he’s trying to say here, and I know you feel the same way. He’s the one. The only one who knows everything about you.”
Yup. It was true, he was the one. It still sometimes astounded me how we hadn’t always been so close, but knowing each other forever made it easy for us to see how much sense we made. Jason and I could communicate without speaking, but he didn’t speak to my heart the way Drew did.
Drew was everything.
“I wish it was easy, Lucy. I wish I could say Jason’s idea is total genius but it’s not that simple. First of all, remember what happened last time I got on stage?”
I shuddered, thinking about all those eyes on me, and me freezing up then running away. It made me sick to imagine getting on a stage again and attempting to sing. If I couldn’t sing a cover of a song I knew inside out with my best friend, how would I be able to overcome the emotion of a song that meant so much? That had so much resting on it?
A sudden desperate need to be alone forced me to my feet, and I picked up the lyric sheet, Jason’s letter and the CD, and stuffed them into my bag.
“Ellie, what are you doing?”
“I need to go home.” Claustrophobia bore down on me the way it did at the hospital. “Thank you for passing the message on, but I need to think.”
I rushed out the front door, and started down the path, halting abruptly as I spotted Drew getting out of his car.
Drew. For the first time since we broke up.
For the briefest second, his eyes brightened. The light faded as quickly as it appeared though, and everything inside me dissolved, emptying me of the last of my hope.
But he didn’t make any move to leave. Swallowing down the lump in my throat, I tried to speak.
“I... It’s... Hi.”
“Hi.”
Okay, he didn’t tell you to get lost. Let’s try for something resembling English this time.
“How are you?”
Ooh, aren’t we Wordy Worderson today? The feeling of wanting to leap into his arms rushed over me, but I knew he wouldn’t catch me. Wouldn’t let me cuddle into his chest. Wouldn’t let me breathe in his scent, and feel as special as I always felt when I was wrapped up in him. And I knew it because he folded his arms across his chest to keep a barrier between us. There was already a reasonable sized garden separating us. I’d hurt him badly enough that - clearly - he felt he needed some extra protection.
“I’m okay. How are you?”
“I’m... okay.”
I’m not okay.
“I’ve just come over to take Dad to see Jason.”
My eyebrows shot upwards. “Are you going to see him too?”
Drew shook his head, his eyes expressionless and my heart sank. It was probably still too soon for him, but for a second I’d thought maybe… maybe he was ready.
My legs wanted to bolt away, to end the awkwardness. I couldn’t stand how much I wanted, needed, to touch him, and if I stayed any longer, I’d crumble. Fall at his feet, and have to deal with the rejection I’d promised myself I wouldn’t go through again.
Nobody knows how much it takes to stay complete when I want to break. When there’s nothing left one thing is true. Nobody knows but you.
My knees buckled as the words drifted through my mind, as clear as if someone had hooked up an iPod directly to my brain. Drew didn’t know I’d heard his lyrics, but when his eyes met mine, I felt sure he was thinking about them, too.
“Ellie, I... I have to go.”
I nodded. He threw me a sad smile, a smile which both warmed me and broke my heart at the same time. It was the smile. The one he reserved only for me. Just... an unhappier version.
“See ya,” I said, fighting the sting of hot tears behind my eyes.
“See ya.”
Drew continued on his way to his dad’s house, and I quickly clambered into my car, throwing my bag down on the passenger seat.
It wasn’t the easiest conversation we’d ever had - it was barely a conversation - but it was the one that needed to happen. The first one after the break-up. I never expected him to magically forgive me for stomping on his heart, on his trust. It was pretty amazing he managed to stay around me for longer than a minute before making an excuse to get away.
And that smile. That was the part I clung to, because maybe it meant we could re-build what we had. Maybe it meant, although he hated it, he understood what I did.
Or maybe I was deluding myself out of desperation. Life without him was like living inside a black and white television. Everything still worked as normal, but the brightness was missing. My world was dull, lacking in clarity.
Was Jason right? Was it all down to me to make this better? Could I get up in front of a crowd and make Drew understand how much I loved him?
There were so many ways Jason’s plan could go wrong. Only one way it could go right. Best case scenario, I’d get the happy ending. Worst case scenario, I’d get through the song, only for Drew to tell me how awful I am, leaving me alone on the stage while the audience stared at me with pitying eyes, muttering how bad they felt for me. Or sniggering at me for being so stupid.
In spite of the hideous realisation I might be completely humiliated, there was a voice in my head, a feeling in my gut telling me Jason had provided me with everything I needed to get Drew back.
I wasn’t sure if I had the strength.
“Ellie, are you sure you’ve really thought about this?”
Jason’s eyes bore into me like laser beams, cutting through me, searching for the truth.
Again, we sat in the rehab centre’s common room as people came and went around us, some of them with their own visitors, some just sitting quietly, staring into space. This was only my second visit but it was already familiar enough to feel comfortable, more like a cool hangout spot than what it really was.
“I haven’t thought about anything else. I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t work. I can’t get that song out of my head, Jason. But I can’t sing it. I can’t.”
“And I thought Lucy could persuade you to do anything.”
“Yeah, about that,” I sat up straighter. “Why did you get her involved in this? It’s bad enough dealing with you nagging me.”
Lucy’s interest in Jason was the other thing that kept me awake. It wasn’t my place to tell her who she could or couldn’t be friends with; I was her sister, not her mother. I couldn’t stop worrying she might mistake Jason’s intentions towards her, though. She wanted a way to get closer to him, and he’d given it to her with no idea what effect it would have.
“Lucy’s worried about you.” Jason said. “She told me she wished she could help so I–”
“You turned her into your delivery girl.”
“Stop making it sound so sneaky. She came here, she wanted to do something for you, so I asked her to give you the CD. I didn’t lure her here with cookies and chocolate. She came to me.”
You wouldn’t need to lure her. Just ask, and she’ll come running.
“Be careful with her, please,” I
said. “I don’t want her getting mixed up in anything that might backfire on her.”
“Such as? She passed on a message, that’s all.”
The words, ‘she’s got a crush on you, okay?’ were halfway up my throat before I swallowed them back. I couldn’t do that to her, even if it made Jason understand why he had to be careful. It’d be way too embarrassing for her, and she’d never forgive me.
“Whatever,” I said. “I just don’t want her worrying about me and Drew when she should be focusing on college.”
“Okay. Message received. No more errand running for Lucy. I’m not done with you, though.”
“Yeah, we’ll we’ve been through this, and I told you. I need some time.”
“I’m giving you four weeks.”
“And what happens if I put myself out there and he rejects me? Again. There’ll be people with cameras, just like last time. I don’t want that moment plastered all over the internet. I’ve had enough of my private moments finding their way to entertainment websites. The last one led to me losing my dream job, remember?”
Jason’s face fell, and it made me feel like a bitch because I wasn’t trying to remind him of his part in it. I needed him to understand why I wasn’t ready to lay everything on the line.
“Jason, can’t you try to see where I’m coming from? I know you want to help me. I do.”
“So let me. Mack said he’ll come by your place so you can try it out with the guitar, and just... just try.”
I rolled my eyes. “You really have all the answers, don’t you?”
“Yes. I do.” He smiled, and for the first time in forever a little sparkle flickered in his eyes. Relieved as I was to see it, it appeared for the wrong reason. He couldn’t force me to do something that terrified me to the point of nausea.
“Ellie-” he stopped abruptly, focusing on a point over my shoulder, his eyebrows pulling together in confusion. I twisted around, and my breath hitched.
Through the glass doors at the far end of the room, Drew was talking to a member of staff.
Drew. I’d avoided him since the hospital, and now I’d seen him two days in a row.
Even from a distance, my body reacted. My pulse raced with the need to run to him and launch myself into his arms. Since that wasn’t an option, I turned back to Jason. “Were you expecting him today?”
Jason shook his head. “I’ve no idea why he’s here.”
I flicked my head towards the doors again, hoping to gauge what was happening, but I was too far away to tell. Drew nodded to the guy he was talking to, his face serious, and when he turned to leave, his gaze fell on me. For the briefest second, his eyes brightened. The light faded as quickly as it appeared, and after a few moments, he walked away without looking back.
Everything inside me dissolved, emptying me of the last of my hope, but at the same time, something else rose inside me and I sprang to my feet.
My body and my brain disconnected as I ran across the room, through the glass doors to the reception area, then outside.
“Drew!”
He’d just reached his car, and he stopped, turning at the sound of my voice. He stared at me expectantly. I couldn’t read anything else in his face. His eyes didn’t flicker with happiness this time. They just stared at me, waiting. He’d already put up his protective barriers so he wouldn’t have to deal with his feelings. The emptiness in his eyes was familiar. He’d gone to that place in his mind where emotions didn’t exist. I always hated that; the way he slipped into denial. But in that moment, standing so close to him and knowing I couldn’t go to him and help him open up, I wished I could do the same.
My brain jolted back to life and I realised I had absolutely no idea why I’d sprinted out to him. No explanation for me speeding through the rehab centre like Superman on a mission to rescue someone from danger.
Maybe it was me I was trying to rescue. Or Drew. To stop him getting wound up about me visiting Jason. Whatever. I’d sprinted in a way that would have made Mo Farah proud, so I had to say something.
“I’m here because Dad asked me to visit Jason,” Drew said. “I don’t want to be here.”
He didn’t need to add the last comment, his feelings were clear. Well, his I’m a hardass alter ego was clear. That wasn’t Drew talking. Not really.
“You should stay, Drew. I’m nearly finished, anyway.”
“What’s the point? I have nothing to say to him.”
“So why did you come?”
“I told you. Dad wanted me to-”
I shook my head, halting him. Had he really forgotten already that I could see through any lie he attempted to tell me? That I knew him better than anyone? That after a few seconds of really focusing on his eyes I wouldn’t see the pain inside them? Inside him.
“What does it matter?” he asked. “I’m here, and surprise surprise, you beat me to it.”
His tone was like a sucker punch to my gut. I wanted to scream. Why didn’t he understand that I hurt too? That being around Jason was a lifeline. He was my friend, I wanted to be there for him, but part of me visiting him was about me scrabbling around, trying to cling onto what was left of my life before the band, before the publicity, before my world exploded and crumbled at my feet.
But screaming would do no good. Drew had built up his barriers to keep me out and that made it so much easier for him to lash out at me. To say things he knew deep down were unfair.
Blinking back tears I breathed deeply, building my own barriers up again.
Drew scrubbed his hands over his face, his hand reaching for me then stopping and falling to his side again. “Ells.”
“I have to go.”
What else could I do? I wanted him back. God, I wanted him back so much. He wasn’t ready to hear me. Wasn’t ready to let me try.
As I walked away from him, the fractured remains of my heart shattered, yet just as I’d held on to the smile he gave me the day before, I grasped onto the brightness in his eyes when he saw me. Gathered it in tight because I needed something. Something to let me know he still cared.
Over the next three weeks, many things happened:
• I took a leap of faith, and told Jason I would sing Drew’s song.
• Mack came to my flat twice a week to help me learn Nobody Knows, and practice with his guitar.
• Lucy was so excited I’d agreed to Jason’s plan, she called me every two days to check I was still going through with it.
• Jason spent my visiting time with him telling me everything would be fine, and making sure all was in place for my performance to go smoothly.
• Drew started going to counselling sessions at the rehab centre to help him and Jason try to work through their problems.
That was my favourite part of the weeks leading up to my big performance. According to Jason, Drew wasn’t entirely happy about going to therapy, but he cared enough to try, and after everything, I was proud of him for making the effort.
It was Drew’s strength that helped me reach my decision about singing for him. If he could push through the pain to get his relationship with Jason back on track, I could battle my nerves to show him how much he meant to me. I would. Being apart from didn’t get any easier. In fact, every day of those three weeks seemed to drag me down more. Having something to work towards was the only thing keeping me going when all I wanted was to hole myself up in my room and torment myself for the mistakes I made. I needed Drew to know how sorry I was, and maybe take away some of the misery I knew he felt. Whatever happened afterwards, he had to know I was sorry.
The night of Razes Hell’s comeback gig was hotly anticipated around town. It wasn’t exactly a homecoming, because they’d barely hit the big time before everything crashed and burned; that was the word used in the local newspapers. The people of St. Ives, especially those with invites, were buzzing about the first live performance since Jason left rehab, and even with my nerves building, I couldn’t wait to see them back on stage where they belonged.
Amongst
the people on the guest list were the band members’ families and closest friends, a bunch of local fans the guys knew because they always came to their hometown shows - including Natalie the nurse. A few workers from the rehab centre also blagged invitations, and finally, members of the local press. No nationals had been invited in. Derek made it clear no videos were to be taken at the show, only photos; partly because the band wanted to keep the show on a small scale, and partly to protect me from having my stage debut posted on YouTube – a consideration I was supremely grateful for.
“Oh God.” I shook my hands and jumped up and down to use up some of the nervous energy pumping through my veins. “I think I might throw up.”
Lucy giggled. “Ellie, stand still. You’re making me anxious!”
We were hiding in the toilets of the only pub in town big enough to host the event, and people wandered in and out while I bounced around like Tigger on a sugar high.
I’d learned the lyrics. Rehearsed until my throat was sore. All that remains is doing the one thing that terrifies me.
Put myself in front of people and risk complete humiliation.
It didn’t matter that the majority of those people were family and friends, people I knew, who wouldn’t judge me. That sort of made it worse. At least with random band fans, I wouldn’t have to see them every day, giving me pitying glances and muttering how they’d admired my courage for putting myself out there while being secretly glad it wasn’t them who’d embarrassed themselves in public.
“Lucy, I don’t know about this.”
“Don’t. We’ve been through this. We’ve been through every single horrible possibility. We’ve imagined every bad thing Drew could say, and has it helped? No. It’s turned you into a wreck. Ever heard of positive thinking?”
“Easy for you to say. It’s hard to be positive when everything you want is resting on a song.”
