But Brer Fox has the rare talent
of being exactly as stupid as he is lazy
so he is like “Hm
that briar patch does appeal to both my sadism
AND my laziness.
It’ll tear you to pieces.
I’MA THROW YOU IN THE BRIAR PATCH.”
And Brer Rabbit is like “NO NO NO NO
ANYTHING BUT THAT”
and Brer Fox is like “FAT CHUCKLES, GRANDMA
IN YOU GO.”
and chucks him in.
But as he’s lying in the middle of the road
giggling to himself
he suddenly realizes
he is not the only one giggling
so he looks up
and at the top of a nearby hill
there’s Brer Rabbit
laughing and combing tar out of his hair
and he is like “You perfect idiot
I was born and bred in a briar patch
BORN AND FUCKING BRED
DO YOU UNDERSTAND???”
And Brer Fox is like “No, I do not understand.
Like, I get that you were born inside a horrible plant
but I don’t see how that magically cleaned off the tar
or what it has to do with anything, really.”
But Brer Rabbit doesn’t hear him
Because he’s too busy stealing stuff
and punching real babies to make up for lost time.
And that, friends
is how Brer Rabbit invented reverse psychology
which just goes to show
that you can be as stupid as you want
as long as your enemies are a lot stupider.
HARRIET TUBMAN HAS SEIZURES FOR JUSTICE
Harriet Tubman was literally Moses
that’s what she was actually called
by the slaves
that she led out of Egypt
I mean the South.
She was a hard-walking
tough-talking
constantly hallucinating
secret agent OF JUSTICE
but before I tell you all about Harriet T
let’s talk a little about her worst enemy:
SLAVERY.
See, many centuries in the past
a bunch of dudes discovered this sweet life hack
where you could force people to work for free.
They called this life hack “slavery”
and it took the world many years to patch it
(the patch is still not available in some places).
Some countries took especially long to do this
like for example AMERICA
LAND OF THE FREE.
Like, Benjamin Franklin freed his slaves
and G. Washington freed (some of) his slaves
and Thomas Jefferson said slaves should be free
while simultaneously banging one of his slaves
but the U.S. Constitution back in the day
had a critical glitch that made changing things hard.
It was called the three-fifths compromise
and here is how it worked:
Basically, when the constitution got written
the South wanted their slaves to count as population
so that they could have more representatives
and the North was like “But guys, slaves can’t vote
meaning they can’t select representatives
so that’s not exactly fair.
How about we say slaves are worth . . . I dunno
three-fifths of a person each?”
and the South is like “NOW WHO’S THE RACIST?”
but it still means the South gets repped way harder
which means anytime anyone tries to end slavery
the slave-owning states are just like “NOPE.”
So for slaves at this time
waiting for slavery to be outlawed is not a good plan
there is only one good plan
and it is disguised as a terrible plan:
RUN AWAY.
No one has a better excuse to run away
than young Harriet “Minty” Tubman.
Her daily routine is basically “wake up
get assigned random household task
be too inexperienced to do assigned task
get beaten until too weak to do assigned task
get beaten
do task somehow
. . . sleep?”
One day, one of her fellow slaves tries to run
and their master responds in the only sane way
which is to throw a lead weight at HER head
which does not stop the other guy from escaping
but DOES give Harriet epilepsy
so . . . win-win?
Now at this point
Minty’s already tried to escape once
and a projectile to the brain is a great motivator
so when she finds out she’s gonna be sold to Georgia
which is basically the Silicon Valley of slavery
she escapes!
Via the Underground Railroad!
WHAT IS THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD?
WHO THE FUCK KNOWS??
The problem with a covert network of safe houses
illegally smuggling slaves to freedom
is that if you are part of this network
you are not gonna wanna keep a ton of records
and all the slaves who escape via this network
are super careful about not dropping any spoilers
seeing as they have family and friends down south
who they presumably would like to see freed.
All we really know about it
is that folks hid slaves in their houses during the day
(the houses were called “stations”)
other folks led them at night
(these people were called “conductors”)
other folks just donated money
(these dudes were called “investors”)
and everyone involved really liked train metaphors
(they were what are known as “railfans”).
So Harriet escapes via this network
leaving behind her parents
her brothers and sisters
and her husband
who is actually not even a slave
so who the hell knows why he doesn’t go with her.
Probably he’s afraid of commitment.
Oh well
his loss.
After such a miraculous escape
a normal person would have just chilled out
but Harriet Tubman is not a normal person
she is an escaped slave with a brain injury
so she immediately embarks on a new mission
entitled “OPERATION: FREE EVERY SLAVE
ESPECIALLY MY FAMILY.”
She does this for TEN YEARS
and during that time she never fucks up once
assisted as she is by her CRAZY-PERSON VISION.
Seriously, she has seizures that predict danger
it’s awesome, you should listen to your seizures.
This whole mission of hers is made more difficult
by the fact that immediately after she escapes
the government not only fails to end slavery
but passes a NEW SHITTY LAW
called the Fugitive Slave Act
which says “Hey
you know how slavery is illegal in the North?
Well, you can still catch escaped slaves up there
in fact, how about this:
> You can just grab any black dude you want
tell a judge he’s an escaped slave
and we will PAY THE JUDGE to agree with you.”
And all the slave states are like “HELL YEAH”
and all the slaves are like “HELL NO”
so slaves don’t just have to get out of the South
they have to get to CANADA.
Yes, Canada
“like America, but without all that shit you hate.”
But Harriet don’t care
she’s leading dudes through swamps
pretending to buy dudes at auctions
then stealing them instead
hiding in rivers to avoid dogs
planning armed slave rebellions
just flipping off the whole entire concept of slavery
until her hands are just two giant middle fingers.
It is inconvenient for using chopsticks
but excellent for making a point.
Then the Civil War happens
and Harriet is like “Shit yeah, let’s end slavery.”
So she signs up as a nurse
and treats black dudes FOR FREE
and when they start letting black people fight
she dresses up in the most legit battle dress ever
and leads an armed raid
that frees about 750 slaves
and then she raises her staff and frogs rain from the sky
covering the entire South in a mass of ribbiting flesh.
I may have made part of that up.
After the war ends, Harriet goes back to Canada
and on the train, the conductor is like
“Hey, why are you sitting in the soldiers’ section?
One, you are a woman
two, you are black
three, I am a terrible person.”
And Harriet is like “Okay
one, I’m the first woman to lead an armed Union raid
two, fuck you
three, I’m a conductor on the Underground Railroad
so maybe YOU should give me YOUR seat
bitch.”
The conductor does not take kindly to this
so he throws her off the train
thus beginning a proud American tradition
of throwing important black people off public transit.
After that, Harriet lives for a stupidly long time
making money by letting people write her biography
which is a pretty baller way to make money
but she’s still way poor
because the army won’t pay her any pension
you know, because racism
but at least slavery is over
right?
. . . Right?
Well, anyway
What we can learn from Harriet Tubman
is that sometimes the most badass thing you can do
is run away from your problems.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN IS AS TALL AS HE IS TALL
POPULAR MISCONCEPTION:
Abe Lincoln was born in a log cabin
WHICH HE BUILT HIMSELF.
Fact:
He may or may not have been born in a log cabin
and he definitely built a log cabin later
when he was working for his farmer dad
but regardless, there is a type of log named after him
which is used for building tiny cabins
and that’s what matters.
That, and he’s ridiculously tall.
But Lincoln stops being a farm guy pretty fast
gets hella popular
and picks up the nickname “Honest Abe”
without chopping down any cherry trees or anything
which is why when he runs for Congress, he wins
(eventually)
and then while he is in Congress
one of his buddies is like “Dude
you know what you’d be great at?
LAWYERING”
so that’s what Abe does for many years.
He makes fat stacks with the lawyer gig
(fat stacks being a prerequisite for real politics)
and he’s also a super nice dude
so it’s only a matter of time
before he gets to be president.
Here’s the problem, though:
Abe is a Republican
and he really hates slavery.
Now, these things are not a problem by themselves
but there are a bunch of dudes
(mostly the Democrats, but also some Republicans)
who really LIKE slavery
primarily because they are not themselves slaves.
Even THIS would not be a problem normally
except that the U.S. has just bought a ton of land
(from Napoleon, because he’s strapped for cash)
and Lincoln doesn’t want any slavery in the new land
so he’s trying to convince all these super racist bros
to do this thing he wants
and the way he does it
is by trying REALLY HARD
to sound just racist enough
all like “Guys, I don’t like black people THAT much
I mean I still TOTALLY think they’re subhuman
I just don’t think forced labor is okay maybe?”
and even that weak-sauce stance
is not enough to placate the crazy racists.
So when Lincoln runs for president, it’s a shit show.
He’s got a Democrat running against him
and a pro-slavery Republican
which has the unexpected effect
of splitting the pro-slavery votes
plus a bunch of states don’t even bother to vote
because they can’t stand to be part of a country
that even allows an anti-slavery guy to RUN
which means they aren’t voting against him
so suddenly Lincoln is president
with like 40 percent of the vote
which means about 40 percent of people are happy.
Shit like this never ends well.
So as soon as Lincoln gets inaugurated
like half the United States ragequits the Union
and they form their own club, called the Confederacy
and Lincoln is like “Guys, chill out
you can totally keep your slaves
beat the shit out of them, I don’t care
I just don’t want any NEW slave states
and I think you should stay part of my country
and also I think you’re all terrible people.”
Naturally the Confederacy is havin’ none of this.
They elect their own president
and raise an army
and take over all the federal property in their states.
Example:
Virginia has surrounded this one fort, called Sumter
which still belongs to the Union.
The dudes inside of it are getting super hungry
also nervous
but no one is firing their guns
because nobody wants to be the one to start a war
so finally, Lincoln is like “Okay, guys
just gonna send some food to my bros at the fort
no guns or anything
definitely not a military action.
Boy it sure would suck if you shot this caravan
then I’d have no choice but to declare war.”
GUESS WHAT:
GUNFIRE.
For the next four years, war is all Lincoln does
/> he checks out war books from the library
he writes angry letters to all his generals
and ends up firing like half of them
until he finally lands on Ulysses S. Grant.
Meanwhile, all these abolitionists and escaped slaves
are like “Hey, Lincoln
remember how you hate slavery?
Thinking about ending it anytime soon, buddy?”
and Lincoln is like “GIVE ME A BREAK, GUYS
some of our allies have slaves
and I reeeeeeally don’t want to upset them right now
so maybe we hold off a little?”
and everyone is like “But Lincoln
if we free the slaves, we can get them to fight for us”
and Lincoln is like “SOLD.”
So he writes a letter to the Confederacy
like “Dear jerks,
All your slaves are free now.
Have fun with that.
Love, Abe.”
And the Confederacy is like “You can’t do that!”
but all their slaves are like “HE TOTALLY CAN.”
So now all these slaves are running away
and Lincoln is like “Oh shit
might have to start treating these people like humans
can we get some constitutional amendments up ins?
BOOM, 13th Amendment: Slavery is over
14th Amendment: Everybody is citizens
15th Amendment: Black dudes can vote
not women though
that would be CRAZY.
All right, I gotta go win this war.
You’re welcome.”
So the war ends
and Abe gets to officially say slavery is over
but then he makes the literally fatal mistake
of going to a theater to celebrate
and some dick named John runs in and shoots him
simultaneously ending his life
and freeing him up for a career as a vampire hunter.
So
he has a big funeral
and ex-slave / star abolitionist Fred Douglass comes
and Douglass is like “Good job, Abe Lincoln
still pretty sure you were a racist though.
Rest in peace, dude.”
Later they make a statue of him
that makes him look like Zeus.
It’s inappropriate
because everyone knows
that Abraham Lincoln
is actually America’s JESUS.
So the moral of the story
is you should never go see plays
live theater is dead.
SARAH EMMA EDMONDS MIGHT ACTUALLY BE YOUR DAD AND YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW
Unlike the Revolutionary War
George Washington Is Cash Money Page 8
