like, I kid you not
50 percent of the people in America are females
and all these ladies have one thing in common:
They can’t vote
or control their own lives in any meaningful way
it’s sort of a big deal for them, they are upset.
They are not alone in this predicament
slaves are also getting a pretty raw deal
(in fact I think slavery is the definition of a raw deal)
so naturally a bunch of women feel for the slaves
and since women can at least move around freely
(sort of
sometimes)
a lot of them start giving speeches and stuff
to try and stop this whole slavery thing.
Then the Civil War happens
and Abe Lincoln kicks slavery in the nuts
but guess what?
WOMEN STILL CAN’T VOTE
in fact, sometimes
they even get assed out of talking
at ANTI-SLAVERY CONVENTIONS.
So some understandably pissed-off ladies
including Lucretia Mott and Elizabeth Cady Stanton
are like “Wow, screw this.”
They have a big meeting with a lot of women
where they make a list
of everything sucky that women have to deal with
(it is a long list)
and then they sign it
and then they are like “Hey
government
man up and fix this shit already.”
But the government is already totally manned up
like, 100 percent men in this government right now
both parties are total sausage fests
so they ignore the hysterics of these women
and go about the noble manly business
of stealing land from Indians
and calling them Indians.
Luckily, getting stuff from the U.S. government
is a lot like getting stuff from your parents as a kid
except there are three parents, and they are all dads.
See, there’s the legislative branch, which makes laws
(and is who the ladies originally went after)
the executive branch, which enforces the laws
(not much use if there are no good laws to enforce)
and the judicial branch, which can break shitty laws.
So when the legislature says no
Elizabeth Stanton and her pal Susan B. Anthony
decide to go to the Supreme Court
and hope that they’ll say yes.
But in order to get to the Supreme Court
they have to do something illegal
and then challenge the law in court.
So in the next election
Susan B. Anthony goes down to her polling place
and she’s like “Hey, guys, I wanna vote”
and they’re like “You can’t, ’cause of your vagina.”
and she’s like “Okay, I’m gonna sue the shit out of you”
and they’re like “Whoa, fine, vote then”
so she’s like “Woo, I get to vote!”
but she’s also like “Dammit, I don’t get to sue.”
Luckily, the police find out a week later
and send a dude to arrest her
but she is so goddamn dignified
he almost can’t even do it
and when he finally does do it
he’s really wimpy and half-assed about it
and then the trial doesn’t go the way she wants it to
mostly because the judge is a sly asshole.
But another woman does get to the Supreme Court.
(Hurray!)
But the Supreme Court tells her to go fuck herself
(Boo!)
and what’s worse
the way they do it
is by saying that voting is not a guaranteed right
so the whole South
which at this point has JUST freed all its slaves
is like “What’s that you say?
We don’t have to let black people vote?
AWESOME.”
So that backfires super hard.
But these dames are not about to quit.
Elizabeth Stanton goes back to Congress
and introduces a constitutional amendment
that’s just like “women get to vote now”
and everyone in Congress is like “HA HA HA HA
BITCHES, AM I RIGHT?”
But Liz does not give a fuck
she just reintroduces that amendment to Congress
every year
FOR FORTY-FIVE YEARS
(actually she’s dead for the last sixteen years of that
but I like to think her ghost had a hand in it).
Meanwhile, Susan B. Anthony is working HARD
traveling all across the nation
telling every single woman she meets
to support women’s right to vote.
She rides trains to the north, south, east, and west
she rides trains till she has the schedules memorized
And she gets FAMOUS.
But there’s drama.
See, in order to build a big women’s coalition
Susan B. Anthony has to strip down her plan
from “get women all the rights they’re missing”
to “get women the vote and fuck everything else.”
So she starts recruiting sucky women that she hates
like racists and religious fundamentalists
and Liz Stanton is like “I’m sick of this bullshit
you can keep your organization of jerks
I’m retiring.”
But when Elizabeth says “retiring”
what she actually means is
“writing a feminist revision of the Bible”
so like, a PRETTY DIFFERENT BIBLE
and all Susan’s shitty friends are like “Whoa, what?
That bitch is way out of line
we need to officially declare that she sucks”
and Susan is like “Hey, guys, she’s my friend”
and the jerks are like “Which would you rather have:
friendship or women’s suffrage?”
and if this was an eighties movie
she would’ve probably gone with friendship
but this is not the eighties, it is the nineties
the 1890s
so she’s like “Ugh, suffrage I guess”
and Elizabeth totally thinks she’s a sellout for that
but what are you gonna do?
This goes on for many more years
with Susan making more and more compromises
and Elizabeth becoming more and more radical
(in every sense of the word)
until finally they both die
and then sixteen years later
women finally get to vote!
It comes down to one deciding vote
by a dude from Tennessee
who only votes for the bill
because his mom told him to do it
which begs the question
where were all the other guys’ moms the whole time?
So the moral of the story
is that we should keep in closer touch with our moms
because apparently they have good ideas
sometimes
I guess.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT. THAT IS ALL.
It’s okay, friend
I don’t blame you
> for skipping directly to this chapter
because who wants to read regular American history
when you can read about TEDDY ROOSEVELT
the only U.S. president
WITH A TYPE OF BEAR NAMED AFTER HIM.
See, when it comes to war gods
there’s a couple types.
There’s your cunning planners
like Athena and Odin and whatnot
and there’s CRAZYBALLS BATTLECRUSHERS
like Thor and Ares and Thor’s left nut.
Teddy Roosevelt is all of these things
plus a side order of King Solomon
throat-punching poverty
and altering geography
from the center of a bacon double-cheeseburger.
I don’t know how that cheeseburger got in there.
Don’t write myths when you’re hungry.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
T-Rose has to grow up before he can stomp ass
and as a child, he is sickly like the Tiniest of Tims
all coughing and having asthma like a chump
so what does he do?
Does he curl up with an inhaler and make do?
NO.
He’s like “FUCK LUNGS, I’M A ROOSEVELT”
and climbs mountains until asthma gives up on him.
Then he starts doing POLITICS.
But politics isn’t violent enough for him
so after spending some time in charge of the navy
he peaces out to the frontier and becomes a cowboy
and then when the U.S. decides to liberate Cuba
because Spain is there being a dick
he gathers up all his pals
buys them a bunch of guns and horses
and is like “Okay, guys
I know nobody asked us to go to Cuba and kill fools
but guys:
Let’s go to Cuba and kill fools.”
And that is exactly what they do.
They call themselves the Rough Riders
because nothing says combat mastery
like ALLITERATION.
After he gets back from war
New York is just overcome with how manly he is
so they’re like “We better elect this guy governor
because if we don’t he’ll probably eat us.”
He does such a good job messing with millionaires
that a bunch of guys are like “We must stop him
by putting him in a position where he can’t harm us.
Oh, how about vice president?
Vice presidents don’t do diddly.”
Joke’s on them though
because after the election, President McKinley dies
(actually the joke is on President McKinley
if you consider a lone anarchist’s bullet to be a joke
which I totally do because I have no soul)
and now Roosevelt is president.
So Teddy’s like “BOOYAH, I’M ON THIS.
Okay, guys, there are a few things I wanna change.
Let’s start with . . .
EVERYTHING.”
So he designates a bunch of national parks
prosecutes a bunch of big corporate monopolies
digs a canal through Panama
(after supporting a revolution in Panama just for that)
regulates railroad prices
negotiates a treaty between Russia and Japan
speaks softly
carries a BIG stick (if you know what I mean)
and changes the rules of football.
Then he has lunch.
He gets reelected until he refuses to run anymore
then he gets sick of everyone else’s political crap
and decides to run again
and when the Republicans won’t nominate him
he nominates HIMSELF
by starting his OWN DAMN PARTY
called the Progressive Party
oh wait I mean the BULL MOOSE party
as in what Teddy Roosevelt is as healthy as.
He does not become president
but he does accomplish something way better:
during his campaign, he’s on his way to do a speech
when some jerk shoots him in the chest
like, with a gun.
The bullet goes through his steel glasses case
through a copy of his fifty-page speech
and only then does it reluctantly enter his chest.
So Teddy looks at his chest
sees that he is not coughing up blood
and is like “Eh, it’s probably fine.”
Then he goes ahead and speaks
for NINETY MINUTES
at which point the ghost of John Henry stands up
and starts a slow clap
which is eventually joined by EVERY VIKING.
So Teddy doesn’t get to be president
but he doesn’t care
because all of that politicking was distracting him
from his true passion:
risking his life to map the Brazilian jungle.
So he goes down there
contracts tropical supermalaria
finishes the expedition anyway
and then goes back home and refuses to die.
Then World War One starts happening
and he goes to the president (Woodrow Wilson)
like “Put me in, coach, put me in!”
But Wilson is like “Dude
you have tropical supermalaria
a bullet in your chest
and didn’t you have asthma at one point?
Stay home, dog.”
And Teddy is like “Aww . . .”
then he dies
but, like, in his sleep
because
as his friends confirm
Death could not have handled him if he was awake.
Oh, but I was gonna tell you about teddy bears.
See, back on one of his massive hunting sprees
Theodore Roosevelt came upon a black bear.
This bear was defenseless
shooting it would not have been even a little fun
so he didn’t shoot it
even though all his pals were telling him to.
Some toy manufacturer found out about this
and BAM, teddy bears.
Roosevelt hated the nickname Teddy
but it totally stuck
which just goes to show
that sometimes
what matters is the things you DON’T shoot.
AL CAPONE GETS EVERYONE HAMMERED
Okay. so there’s this dude Alphonse
but that name is neither manly enough
NOR American enough
So let’s call him Al
Al Capone.
Picture this:
CHICAGO IN THE 1920s
aka the single most corrupt location in space-time.
You see
there are not a lot of employment opportunities
for Italian immigrants at this time
the options are basically limited to:
1. Manual labor
2. Petty crime
3. EXTREMELY NON-PETTY CRIME
And obviously Al is not gonna half-ass his crime
so he makes friends with this gang lord
named Johnny Torrio
and Torrio calls him up one day like “Hey, bud
wanna move from New York to Chicago
to help me completely take over every illegal thing?”
And Capone is like “I’ll give you a hint:
not no.”
Chicago is awesome for doing crimes in
it is like a lush rain forest of crime
with each horrible person
linked inseparably to every other horrible person
by a complex and beautiful web of death:
like, politicians and cops let mobsters do whatever
then elections happen
and mobsters beat up voters
until those politicians and cops win.
It’s the CIIIIIRCLE OF CRIIIIIIIME.
Chicago is CORRUPT
(how corrupt is it?)
it is SO CORRUPT
that Al Capone
is a DEPUTY SHERIFF
like, he’s driving drunk with a bunch of hookers
he rams into a parked taxi
and then he jumps out
waving a gun and his SHERIFF’S BADGE.
GUYS:
THIS IS THE CITY WHERE I NOW LIVE.
This continues for a long time
and it could have continued even longer
with all kinds of bad dudes
making all kinds of mad money
but as we all know
the only thing better than money
is MORE money
so pretty soon dudes start dying.
See, around this time
Congress straight-up amends the constitution
to be like “No more booze for anyone.
Love, Congress.”
CONGRESS:
STOP BEING SUCH A LITERAL BUZZKILL.
So a lot of gangsters
especially Johnny Torrio
are like “DUDES
BOOZE IS ILLEGAL NOW
WE CAN MAKE SO MUCH CASH SELLING IT.”
But Torrio’s boss
this guy Colosimo
is like “I dunno guys
selling liquor seems mighty risky
I think I’ll just stick to my gambling and whores”
so Torrio is like “Dude, I know you’re my uncle
but your ass needs to die”
and Colosimo is like “Oh nooooo.”
So now Torrio is the head of a big crime syndicate
along with his pal Capone
and they’re selling booze like hotcakes
(hotcakes that are secretly filled with booze)
so now can everybody stop dying
and start making mad cash?
NOPE
Why, you ask?
Dion O’Banion is why.
Dion O’Banion is the best gangster
he carries three guns at all times
even though he only has two hands
he makes a large portion of his money
by selling flowers to gangster funerals
and every time he does a thing
George Washington Is Cash Money Page 12
