Dad immediately grabbed me, wrapping his arms around me tightly to comfort me while telling me he was sorry and that everything would be OK, but I didn’t respond to him. I had nothing to give back and I didn’t want support from him or anyone, I just stood there like a zombie.
Nebat didn’t need an explanation when she saw me. She rushed over to me and helped Dad guide me inside. I could hear them fussing around as I sat in Nebat’s room but I didn’t speak to anyone or want anyone to speak to me. I didn’t feel as though I was in my own body. I could hear myself breathing really heavily and my head was pounding as though there were people smashing hammers across it; my eyes felt like lead. It was a struggle to keep them open and I didn’t know whether I wanted to sleep or not, so I just curled up in a ball in the corner and closed my eyes.
I listened to Dad and Abdul debate on whether or not I should go back to Mana’s house or Dad’s house. Abdul was saying I was still Mana’s wife and should be allowed to go back with Saada and his family and grieve as his widow. Dad said I now needed to go home with him and start afresh.
Chapter Ten
The Pregnant Black Widow
Nebat helped me into the jeep a few hours later. She had insisted on coming with me back to Dad’s house, saying she wouldn’t allow me to make that journey alone with just Dad by my side. She insisted I needed her for moral support. I sat next to her in the back seat, we sat in silence as I rested my head on her shoulder, and she held me, with Dad turning around every now and then to ask her if I was OK.
When we pulled in to the village I heard Dad tell the driver to go to his father’s house. He was talking to Nebat, telling her that it would come as a shock to everyone to hear what had happened because no one would have heard yet! It was early evening by the time we arrived and because it was Ramadan everyone was busy cooking the food to break the fast. Yas was over at Dad’s house with Amina but she had heard the car pull up and looked out and saw me get out of the jeep supported by Nebat.
Gran was first to see me. She came to welcome me with smiles but Dad stopped her and told her what had happened. As soon as she heard the news she started crying loudly, slapping her head with her hands, which brought Farouse from the kitchen to the door who joined in with the crying as soon as she heard what happened.
I didn’t react to anyone crying; even when they tried to hug me I didn’t have the energy to hug anyone back, until Yas ran out of Dad’s house and straight over to me.
“Moo, what’s wrong? Why are you here? Why is everyone crying?” She looked around at everyone confused, and then she looked at me. Without knowing why, she started crying.
“Moo, say something to me please!” I was looking at my sister and as much as I needed to hug her and speak to her I couldn’t move or speak. I felt numb.
“Mana died this morning, so let’s help her inside the house,” Dad told her.
“No! Please tell me it’s not true!” she cried, but Dad gave her a sharp look.
“Yas! Just do as you’re told for once and let’s get her inside, please.” Yas put her arms around me and helped me upstairs, straight up to the guest room.
I sat down in the corner and just curled up while Yas sat beside me and put her arms around me.
“Please speak to me Moo!” she begged. I could see how worried she was for me.
“I can’t, Yas,” I told her, “Not at the moment. If I speak I’m going to cry and if I cry I won’t stop. I think my heart’s breaking.” I could feel my tears welling up but I stopped. I knew I mustn’t cry whatever happened. I wasn’t strong enough to cry, my mind and body felt weak as if I was dying. Yas understood.
“OK then, you let me know what to do and I will do it?” she said. I didn’t have to think because I knew what I wanted, or didn’t want!
“I’m not going downstairs to sit with anyone; I need to be left alone, please, Yas.” I looked at her and she could see how badly I was struggling to keep it together. Yas promised me she would sort it out and keep everyone away from me and she did. That night Yas and I stayed upstairs alone. I could hear people downstairs coming and going; I also heard her arguing with Gran and other people outside the room, but she refused to allow them inside to see me.
It was early hours of the morning when I finally broke down. Yas was asleep next to me and I was sat up because I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t breathe so I opened the window to get some fresh air and as I sat at the window I looked over to the house where Mana used to live when I first met him. I imagined him sat at the window and I just started to cry uncontrollably. Yas heard me crying and jumped up from under her blanket; when she saw the window open she grabbed the handle and closed it, and then she held me as I cried.
I cried for hours. My body was shaking while my sister cried with me. She begged me to stop but I couldn’t. I wasn’t just crying for Mana, I was also crying for myself and my sister and all our dreams, the dreams we had made together, that had now been buried along with my husband.
Mana had given me an escape from this life with my family. An escape from these slums we were living in and the hard gruelling labour that I had to endure every day. He had been loving and kind to me and his family had given me respect and also treated me with love and kindness. Together we had made plans for the rest of our lives, and in those plans was my sister. We had made plans to get my sister away from this life so that she, too, could live close to us and in time we would be together again. Now that Mana was gone I didn’t just lose him, but I’d also lost the chance of living with her.
On top of that I was the one who talked my sister into agreeing to marry a man she would never love. I knew in my heart that Abdul was a good man, that he would always respect and love Yas and would never harm her. But I also knew she would never love him, and would therefore live a loveless marriage as long as she was with him.
Even if we tried to get Yas out of marrying Abdul now it would be too late because the deal had been done. I’d lost everything and felt I had nothing else to fight for; I now had to await my fate, which was once again in the hands of my father and his family.
My heart was breaking in more ways than imaginable and nobody at that moment, not even my sister, could help me. Yas did her best to try and help me but it was difficult for both of us. When Issy died we both felt the same pain and we grieved together, but with Mana’s death it was something she couldn’t help me through. I could see how hard it was for her watching me hurting and not being able to comfort me, but I felt that if I allowed her to come close I would break down and sink into a hole, one I would never be able to pull myself out of.
Yas came to me so many times, begging me to speak to her and to let her know what I was thinking. She asked me to cry and lean on her shoulder but I couldn’t. I curled up in the corner of the room and drifted in and out of sleep.
One day blended into another. After a while, people would come and go and talk to me but their voices would sound as if they were miles away because I was in my own little world blocking them out, until one day Yas broke down. She was so worried about me it was breaking her heart and she couldn’t stand it anymore.
“Moo, please! I’m really worried about you, you’re not eating or speaking and I’m scared I’m losing you,” she cried. I’d been curled up in the same corner since I came back from Sanaa and I knew she was right. I had to pull myself together. Mana was gone and he wasn’t coming back. But the pain was too much!
I sat up and held her hand. “I promise you’re not losing me, Yas, but I’m in a really bad place that I don’t understand right now, I’m really scared to cry or speak to anyone.” My voice was faint and weak because I hadn’t eaten properly for days. I couldn’t even lift my head without feeling as though I would fall over. Yas hugged me.
“But I’m not just anyone, I’m your sister and I’m all you’ve got and you’re all I’ve got,” she cried.
I knew I was going to be OK in time because I had my sister by my side, and I knew I was going to pick myself up an
d carry on with my life, but I still needed time. I sat up and gave her a cuddle.
“I will be OK in a few days, Yas, you just need to let me deal with this in my own time, but you’re not going to lose me!”
“Moo, promise me you’ll come back to me soon,” she begged as we hugged.
“I promise you I will, Yas.”
It was about a week before I started to talk to people again. I hadn’t cried since my breakdown that day with Yas at the window and I still didn’t feel like I could cope with crying. I’d put on weight since marrying Mana, even though since his death I’d hardly eaten anything. Yas and I were sat upstairs with Nebat one morning when Yas turned to me.
“Moo why you getting so fat? You don’t eat much!” I shrugged my shoulders at her.
“I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’m not well?” Nebat looked me up and down.
“When did you have your last period?” she asked. I tried to think back but I couldn’t.
“I don’t know, why?” I asked, confused why she was asking about my periods.
“Muna, you could be pregnant!” she gasped. I looked at Yas who looked even more confused than me.
“No I’m not! Anyway, what’s my period got to do with getting pregnant?” I asked.
“Yeah, what’s her period got to do with it?” Yas asked. Nebat explained to us that if a girl misses her period it means she could be pregnant. I couldn’t think back to when I had my last period but I knew that since being married I hadn’t had one. Nebat called Gran and told her and then Gran called for Dad.
Nebat went on to tell me that if I was pregnant with Mana’s baby then that changed everything. If Mana’s parents wanted to take care of me and the child then they could, all they would have to do is agree to financially provide for both us for the rest of our lives. However, she told me that this very rarely happened in Yemen, usually the baby would be allowed to stay with its mother until a certain age before it’s taken off her and given to the father’s family so that the mother can remarry.
Although the thought of being pregnant at 13 terrified me, I was praying that I was pregnant. I didn’t know anything about being pregnant or having children but I felt in my heart that Mana’s family were good people and would take care of me if I had his child. I would rather live as a widow forever, bringing up my child, knowing that I was close to my sister, than spend another day with this family of mine!
I could hear my grandparents arguing with Dad downstairs about me. Obviously I was a pain in the backside to them but I didn’t care, I was going back to Mana’s home! Word was sent to Mana’s family straight away and although I was happy that I was carrying Mana’s child, I couldn’t help but worry that his family wouldn’t want me, they would only want my baby.
The next night I became ill and woke Yas up during the night. I was hysterical and was sobbing. I’d had stomach pains since I’d gone to bed but hadn’t thought anything of it. Now I was bleeding and my trousers were covered in blood, I didn’t know what to do! Yas went down stairs and woke Nebat who told us I was having a miscarriage, but we didn’t have a clue what she was saying until she put it plainly. I’d lost my baby and now it was coming out! The miscarriage sunk me back into silence.
The next day I crawled back into my corner where I cried over the miscarriage, and then I wiped away my tears and stopped crying. When people spoke to me I would look through them and not at them. This became my way of coping.
My grandparents were furious with me, yelling at me and calling me a liar, saying that I’d lied to them from the start about being pregnant just so I could go back to Mana’s house! It was then that my grandmother said I’d done it because I was worried nobody else would want to marry me because I’d caused my husband’s death! She said I would now be known as the ‘Black Widow’.
Although we had no clue what a black widow was, Yas was fuming with Gran for calling me names and threatened to rip her head off. Nebat had to calm Yas down, telling her Gran always said silly stuff when she was upset. Dad was more worried than angry. He had sent for Mana’s parents and he now had to explain to them what had happened.
Saada turned up two days later. It was early afternoon and when she came I was upstairs, curled up in the corner of the room, just as I’d been most of the time since Mana’s death. She asked to see me straight away, not wanting to speak to anyone else before me. When she came in Yas and I were alone, so Yas gave her a hug and left. Saada and I hadn’t seen each other since Mana was in hospital when he was still alive.
I looked up at her but I couldn’t move. I could already feel my heart starting to break; she looked like she had aged a lifetime. She came and knelt beside me, wrapping both her arms around me, covering me with her body as she rested her head on my head. I could feel all the strength I’d held on to to stop myself from crying melt away, and I started to cry with uncontrollable rage! We cried together for what felt like hours, our bodies shaking with anger as we silently cursed the God that took Mana away from us.
When our tears finally dried up she lifted my face and looked at me, wiping my face with her hand to dry my tears she asked me, “Are you carrying Mana’s child?” My eyes started to well up again.
“I was told I was pregnant because I didn’t have my period but now I’m bleeding, so I think it’s gone. I’m sorry!”
Saada held me and we cried some more, while all the time she kept telling me I had nothing to be sorry about. She told me she would find a way to take me home with her because I’d made Mana’s life the happiest he had ever been and she would always be grateful to me for that. Saada told me she had a plan, but needed to speak to Dad before me; then she kissed me lovingly on my forehead and left the room.
Saada spent time downstairs with Dad and my grandparents, and from what Yas told me it was a heated discussion. Saada was trying to convince them to allow me to marry her younger son Hameed. She promised them it would merely be a marriage of convenience as he was Mana’s brother and these marriages are not unusual in Yemen. Many women are married off to their husband’s brothers if he died, but this is if they have children and they want to keep the women in the family to raise the children. She promised no sexual relationship would ever take place and once Hameed was old enough he could pick another bride for himself. She purely wanted me as her daughter. An hour or so later she came back. I could see from her face that things hadn’t gone her way.
“I’m sorry, my child, I have tried everything with your family but they won’t let me take you.” She gently touched my face with her hand. “I never had a daughter but if I had I would have wanted her to be just like you. I would gladly take you today and love you as my daughter, but your family won’t let me. I want you to know that if you ever need me, I will always be here for you, and so will my family.”
Once again we cried as she said goodbye. Mana had been such a happy part of my life and his family, especially his mother, could have been a good family to me. I wondered why it was that every time I had a chance of living with a good family, something or someone was intent on ripping it away from me…!
What I did know was that although I loved him and couldn’t imagine life without him, Mana was now a part of my life that was gone forever. Nothing I could say or do would bring him back and I needed to forget him if I ever wanted to survive.
Nebat went back to Sanaa the next day and I was moved back with Dad. It was coming to the end of Ramadan and everyone was getting ready to celebrate the small Eid. Muslims celebrated two Eids. There was one at the end of Ramadan, and one around two months later. Eid was like a Christmas where everyone would get dressed in their best clothes but instead of giving presents the men would go from house to house and give money to children and women of their family. Although I was still suffering from losing Mana, I’d learnt that I had to deal with any pain I was feeling and move on.
I told myself that nothing good could come out of dwelling over something that had happened in the past; I was sure that if I was strong enou
gh to deal with the loss of my mother and sister then I could overcome anything else that came my way.
I knew I would only hurt myself if I thought about him so I put him to the back of my mind and carried on with my life. Any time I caught myself glancing at his window, I would quickly distract myself so not bring back any memories. Soon I found myself thinking of him less and less.
Chapter Eleven
What Really Happens When a Girl Says “No”
Back at Dad’s house it was work as usual. Granddad had given Dad most of his land by then so Dad was spending more time than ever in the fields. When he was at home his temper was scary! He would lash out at Amina on a regular basis, beating her so badly that some days she could barely walk! If we tried to stop him he would turn on us, telling us to stay out of it!
The first time I saw Dad beat Amina scared me so much I didn’t recognise him! He was like a man possessed. He had been asleep all afternoon and when he woke up he was in such a bad mood as usual. He would always take his food for the night and go to the fields, taking along with him food for the dogs. But this day he complained she hadn’t made enough food for the dogs and he just went berserk!
He hit her over the head with an old paint tin that he had been carrying in his hand to take the dog’s food to the fields, and then he continued to punch and kick her! We tried to stop him but in the course of doing so got a beating ourselves; not as bad as Amina! She was left battered and bruised. Yas would stand up for herself more than Amina and I would, but even she would still get a slap or punch when dad was like that. Yas and I used to secretly plot to gang up on Dad and beat him up, but we never did. We knew if we did we would be severely punished, if not killed!
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