"Well, I'm curious about this ship. I thought that we should do a little exploring." She was lying. And the fact that she didn’t do anything to hide it, left me feeling as though she were mocking me.
"You know something don't you?"
"You want to stay on this ship don't you; serving officials and royalty, you probably can’t imagine an honor much greater than where you are now. You probably feel like you’ve accomplished so much by being here. But if you truly want to be among these people, then you must see what’s behind this door."
"No. You're being stupid," I scolded. "I'm going back to my room. You can stay here and get in trouble for all I care."
As I turned to leave, it was her turn to take me by the wrist, and shake my arm like an angry parent disciplining her child.
"You're the dumb one. Now stop being so stubborn and come with me."
"Tell me why," I said, pulling my arm free. "Tell me why I should."
She grunted, then reached out and turned the wheel lock on the hatch then gave it a swift kick before letting it slowly creak open.
Smoke seeped out from behind the hatch, pluming towards the ceiling. Before I could react, Kassashimei pulled me through. We were in the storeroom, and I realized that the horrid smell I’d noticed earlier came from the burning goods and foodstuffs, piled high along the walls. The fire raged like banners fluttering against a stiff breeze. Just as I turned to run for help, a voice bellowed from across the room.
"You can’t stop me. None of you can stop me."
There was a figure, silhouetted amongst the flames. He seemed proud, unmoved by all smoke and ash that surrounded him. I asked Kassashimei to run back for help, but to my surprise, she wasn’t there. I called out for her, but there was no reply.
She was gone.
The figure came towards me, lunging what looked like a knife at my chest. I stepped away as quickly as I could, but stumbled and fell to the side. I shouted for help, for anyone at all, but the bellow and crackling of the flames drowned out my voice.
I noticed the figure had fallen too, so I charged for the knife in his hand. I grabbed his arm and tried to pry it loose, but he wrestled against my grip, and bit me hard on the hand, forcing me to let him go as I cried out in pain. The both of us were still lying on the ground, so I kicked him in the chest, which sent him reeling. He caught his balance and quickly pressed his back up against a wooden crate, shakily pointing the knife in my direction.
The fire lit portions of his small face revealing the horrid truth of the person‘s identity. It was the Young Emperor. He had a passionate look in his eyes that was made all the more menacing by their mirror-like glow from the fire.
"You can’t stop me," he repeated. "I’ll burn down this whole ship."
"Why?" I said. "If this ship burns, you will too. You’ll die."
"My family is dead. I will join them soon."
I should have known that the look the Young Emperor had at that moment was not one of fierce determination, but rather, one of hopelessness. His tear-stained cheeks glistened and his entire body was shaking with fear, as if he were faced with nothing but the end of the world.
What else could I have said to him? What else could I have done? Nothing would have made any difference except those very words that I let loose from my lips at that moment.
"That's not true," I uttered, standing slowly, then facing him with a sincere gaze. "They're alive. Your family, everyone is alive."
"You're lying." He came at me again, swinging his knife wildly.
I stepped back, as all he was doing was carelessly stabbing at the air in front of him, not knowing that I was too far away for him to do me any harm. He started to cough from the smoke, then dropped to his knees, wheezing uncontrollably.
"You are no emperor. You are just a weak, selfish boy. Just because your family isn’t here, you give up. How dare you dishonor them. Before I was brought here, I saw them alive. They are safe, all of them. General Fung would never harm them. But you need to be strong for them. Show them that you have the courage to be a true emperor, so that someday, you and your people will have the strength to go back and save them."
"Dae Jung tells me the same thing. But I know when he is unsure of his own words," he was panting and growling, like a cornered wolf. "Swear to me. Swear they’re alive, that you’ve seen them safe and unharmed."
I hesitated. How could I have said such a thing? As misguided as he was, I was lying to the Young Emperor. He got up and charged me once again. This time he dropped his knife and tackled me to the ground.
"Swear to me," he said again, his face covered in tears.
I looked up at him, then finally, I said, "I swear."
Chapter 16
On a tiny island in Rui Nan, close to the western edge of the capital, lies a set of grave stones just beyond the shore. They sit staggered, dotted about in some places. Some lay upon the sand while others amidst the grass and palm trees. Still others were not grave stones at all, but rather tiny shrines, honoring entire families. My sister's stone was among them.
Those from my village that had survived the plague and the great war had chosen this island to lay to rest those we had lost. However, there were no bodies to bury. They were all ritually burned as was the case for all that had perished during those dark times.
It was only a few years after the war ended that I started to regularly visit my sister‘s gravestone. I lit some incense and listened to the ocean lap lazily against the rocks. As I stared at the engraving of her name, I wondered how she had passed away. Did she spend her last moments with Mr. Takaya at her side? Did she die peacefully? I could not bear to think of her dying alone, suffering in a corner of some apothecary hut. Had I been stronger, more determined, could I have saved her?
And then I thought to myself, if someone had lied to me, and said she was safe, that she was alive and I had nothing to worry about, would my years as child have been any different?
Sometimes, all it takes to move forward, is to believe that someone you love is still alive and well, even if there is no truth to it. Even so, those words I gave the Young Emperor probably could not have been a lie at all. For all I knew, his family was indeed safe. But truthfully, none of that was terribly important to me, not even to Dae Jung. Kassashimei had run off to fetch him and the guards, who quickly put out the fire and carried the shaken Emperor back to his room. Afterwards, I told Dae Jung everything that had happened. I apologized and pretended to beg for forgiveness.
He said quite calmly, that I had done nothing wrong. All that mattered was that my words had renewed the Young Emperor's hope. He told me that as long as he kept his courage, the devotion and loyalty of everyone onboard the ship would not have been offered in vain. I was then sworn to keep that shameful event a secret, for no one should ever know the Young Emperor at his weakest.
"Let him believe that his family is still alive," he said. "My hope for the Imperial Family's safety is just as strong as his, but such things matter much more to him. He will not forget what you've done here, nor the things you‘ve said. I have no doubt he has an interest in you now. Do not take his feelings towards you lightly."
That night, I lay awake in my room, gazing up at the ceiling while everything that had happened that evening ran repeatedly in my mind like a strange, hazy dream. For a short while, I thought that all of it was just something I had imagined. But then I turned my head to see Kassashimei lying on her futon next to me, gazing back with a pleased look on her face, which reminded me that I was only fooling myself.
"Who are you?" I asked. "What do you want from me?"
"Who am I?" she whispered back. "Sometimes I also ask myself that question. But I know who I am today, and I know what I will be tomorrow. I am your shyo mah."
The next few days were spent, repairing the damage that the Young Emperor had caused. To protect him, Dae Jung told everyone that the fire was most likely caused by a small ember blown carelessly out of his pipe while he was smoking in the store
room.
While the train ferried in more officials who were still loyal to the old government, and the crew prepared the ship for departure, Kassashimei and I, as well as the rest of the chienkuu ko trained continuously under Ai and the Boar. We were no longer students, but skilled practitioners of our sacred craft. As such, each of us were trained in accordance with our specialties. There were those who could read and predict the emotions of the weather. This was a task for the males, and were the only ones who were not paired with a shyo mah. Others were performers who could entertain by making carvings of wood and stone dance in mid air. They also possessed a talent which allowed them to cast a special veil, hiding things which were not meant to be seen. Etsu, Kassashimei and I, practiced the most traditional discipline of our craft: the art of flying airships and sky boats.
We trained on the upper deck, always facing upwind, practicing the forms of our kaikua and exercising our second sight by holding our tamma's out and predicting where and when the ether would change its flow and direction. Though our partners were always at our side, we trained as a single entity, inseparable and undivided. Even when we, the shyo mu, were perfecting the movements of our arms and bodies, our partners were required to focus upon the tiny details and bends of our wrists and fingers, as every boy had a unique accent to their motions, which was only truly understood by their partners.
Though all of us were extremely talented, perhaps more skilled than any chienkuu ko our age, Ai was certainly the most magnificent. She was both beautiful and rare among our kind, for she had perfected her craft without a partner. In her blindness, she possessed the skills of both a shyo mu and a shyo mah, which gave her a second sight that was as clear as my own and a finely tuned will that allowed her to shape and change the ether as she pleased.
One tranquil day, while taking in the morning air on the main deck, I was a fortunate enough to catch a small glimpse of her talent. She was practicing by herself, using forms I’d never seen before. Her arms and body flowed gracefully like the steady wings of a crane, taking her time and feeling the breeze as she sought out that perfect moment. And then, like the entertainers who made the stones dance, she floated into the air. Without a sky boat or anything at all beneath her feet, she danced upwards and then swayed like a teetering branch, tipping against the whispered breeze. Her robes glistened against the pale morning sun, and for a time, I imagined her as some sort of spirit that had descended amongst us. She settled herself down on the very bow of the ship, balancing unflinchingly upon the rail. Watching her with such admiration, I began to understand her father's obsession with her talent. How could anyone ignore the very sight of her? How could anyone resist the urge to share her skills with the rest of the world? Certainly, any family would have been proud to have her honor their family name.
Though Etsu had proven herself at the Imperial Temple, she was not yet formally paired with anyone. So she trained with Ai, who pretended to be her shyo mu. She must have felt overwhelmed because there was a blush that filled her cheeks whenever they performed together. When we practiced flying circles around the airship in sky boats, she was more nervous than ever, as she was terribly intimidated by Ai's presence, who had to constantly correct her whenever she accidentally dipped or tilted the boat.
As strange as this pairing was, it ended quite suddenly when the train delivered Lai to us. Miss Nishio had finally found him, but rather than risk his uncertain future in the city, she asked that the Boar and Ai take him into their care. It was then that he was quickly partnered with Etsu.
Etsu seemed happy to have him at first. Even though he was much older than her and possessed skills that were much more refined than mine, he was both humble and kind to everyone around him. In the few days since he had come aboard, the children had gradually come to know him as a big brother they could come to for help. Etsu truly felt blessed to have him at her side. But as I watched him interact with the others, he seemed to try too hard to be friendly and helpful. I overheard people talk about how bright and optimistic he always was, but I felt that he smiled too much. He watched for anyone that had a concern about anything at all, then he made it his own, and devoted his energy to assisting them. It was obvious, at least to me, that he was trying to bury his past with the troubles of others.
It was as if he wanted to forget he ever had a sister at all.
He was busy enough, that I hardly had a chance to speak with him. Since both Etsu and Lai were partners they shared the same room, so I had to wait until Etsu had left that day to care for her favorite garden in one of the atriums. His back was to me as I entered his room, but he’d already sensed that I was there.
"You're going to ask me about her aren't you?" he said quietly. "Maybe you’re going to ask if losing my sister has changed me some how."
“I‘m concerned for you." I answered. "But we can talk about anything that you want. Lai, you’re my friend. I don't want you to ignore me anymore. You’ve had your attention on everyone except me- "
"That's because every time I look at you, you remind me of who I was back at the tea house. Those strange, accursed silver eyes of yours look like they're judging me for what I've done."
"Lai, you didn't do anything wrong."
"Of course I did. I wanted to be strong enough to take care of the both of us. I’d always taken care of her. But now she's gone. I saw her disappear. I stood there like a coward while Quoli took her away in that carriage. I should have protected her. I should have done everything I could to keep Miss Nishio from separating us. But all I did was watch as she slipped away from me.
After I ran away from the soldiers, I tried to get out of the city to go to the temple up north where she was kept. I couldn't even do that. I went only a few blocks, then I stopped and gazed at the length of the street ahead of me. It was like a serpent that curved onward for what seemed like forever. I gave up and hid in an alley. All I could think of was how alone my sister must have felt, and how weak I was for giving up so easily. After a while, I eventually went back to the tea house ashamed."
He rubbed his sleeve against his face, then he stood up and turned to face me.
"Tell me," he said. "Am I a good brother? Am I worthy of my sister's trust?"
"That's not for me to decide. You’ll see your sister again. She's still waiting for you; and when you finally face her, you can ask her that question yourself. But there is one thing I am absolutely sure of, you are not a coward."
I left his room, hoping he believed my every word, because as soon as I shut the door behind me, I ran.
I ran as hard as I could through the decks of the ship, bumping shoulders against everyone in the corridors and main halls. I was angry, furious with myself. Lai had looked into the depths of his shame, thinking that I was judging him. In truth, I was. While he spoke with utmost sincerity, I could only think about how he truly was a coward, for not even trying to get his sister back. All I could think of, were hateful images of him skulking in the alleyway, crying like a tiny child that had lost his favorite toy. I hid my true feelings away from him, but in doing so, I was the one that had shamed myself.
Both Lai and I were one and the same. I too was a coward. I was not brave enough to seek out my own sister when she needed me most. She died because I had given up on her. All at once, my regrets, my anguish from that day Master Lu told me about the plight of my village had come back to haunt me once again, and I was not prepared to face the emotions that welled up within me.
I was back in the store room where I had faced the Young Emperor several days before. Everything had been cleaned and repaired and only the slightest smell of smoke remained. I pounded against one of the wooden crates, tears welling up.
I hated Lai. I hated him for betraying his sister.
The heaviness of my breathing echoed throughout the cavernous room. I closed my eyes and tried to remember what my sister looked like.
I wouldn’t allow my memories of her to become like that of my mother’s, whose death was so long ago, th
at her face had subsided into nothing more than a blur. Sometimes, when I thought hard, I could remember the shape of her smile or the touch of her hand, but whatever image of her remained, had long since gone. And now my sister would slowly fade away, just as she had. I cried out in frustration. I was angry with myself, at every terrible event that I had let happen.
After a time, I heard the sickly metallic grind of the hatch as it slowly opened. As if to spite me, Kassashimei gave a small, sly grin as she stepped through the hatchway.
"Is this your favorite place to hide now?" she said. "It's a good hiding spot."
"How did you find me?” I growled.
"I know you a little better than you think Terr, and you're not that hard to predict."
"Well go away. Stop bothering me."
"No, I won't. I won't ever go away, no matter how hard you try to hide, I‘ll find you."
I glared at her, which made her expression grow just as serious as mine. Annoyed by her stubbornness I approached her, hanging on to the tiniest sliver of patience.
"Is that a threat?"
"No, it's a promise."
"A promise? What do you mean, a promise?"
"You wouldn't understand. At least not now. But you need to stop with the self pity. You're making yourself look like an fool."
"But that's what I am," I said swinging my arm against a shelf knocking a few small boxes and some metallic trinkets to the ground. "Can you see it? Can you see the disgusting boy who selfishly left his village and then couldn’t return to protect the only family he had? I could have done so much, but I didn't? Aren't I the worst brother you’ve ever seen? How could my sister forgive me? I let her die alone. If I’d remained, she and I could have at least perished together. Our lives could have ended with some dignity.
Now all I can think about, is how the plague had left her alone, helpless, with no one to care for her. Her final days must have been the most terrible moments of her life, and I wasn’t there to comfort her. Tell me Kass, what kind of horrid person would let that happen to his family?"
Sky of Paper: An Asian Steam-Driven Fantasy Tale Page 36
